Ramblings of a Mad Porno Surfer

Edited by Pantera Bonita

Surfing porno on the Internet has become so simple; I don't know why anyone would actually pay for it. Well, I did once, but that was a mistake. They claimed the credit card was for ID only and I would not be billed. As it turns out, I was billed. I called the company to complain about the bill. As it turns out it was my entirely fault because I failed to read the fine print with a magnifying glass; If I had read it I would have known that after 3 days I would be billed a billion dollars a month if I didn't call Guam with the secret password to cancel the order. I love those "secrets to free porn" sites which tell you to use your credit card and then cancel. They got to be run by the same company as the web site itself.

It seems I was not the only one who complained about this New York mafia run company as I just signed on to a class action suit against them. I thought about my security clearance. What if Uncle Sam found out I looked at porno on the Internet? Would I still be moral enough to make weapons that could wipe out a planet? Fuck it. It was about $100. The sad part was that it really wasn't that great of a porno site, although I believe I am now qualified to practice gynecology and check for lumps...ladies just put your feet in the stirrups and relax.

A web site that starts off a great porno favorite list is one of those password sites. They advertise they actually have stolen or hacked passwords to porn sites. It seems odd that the same sites they steal passwords from are the same sites that sponsor the web page in many cases. Many sites are start-up sites looking for new members. I suspect the sites themselves are giving out the passwords but simply do not want the liability of minors viewing their material. It is from one of these sites I found Literotica. I am sure most of you have too. I don't know anyone who has come across the site by typing "cum poetry" into a search engine.

The crème de la crème of free porno is full screen video with sound, English preferred. I have learned key German and Spanish phrases due to my surfing although I don't know when "Spritz mir in den Mund" or "Anal und Spermageil" will come up in conversational German. I have a high speed connection, but even buffering seems to be a pain at times. I suspect it is the web site's server that is crowded and slowing things down. Early Sunday morning is the prime time to view those crowded web sites without hassle. It is a lot better than watching 500 videos in 30 second clips.

Viruses are big at porno sites. If your computer picks one up, it got it there. Many sites infect your computer with a harmless Trojan horse style virus that allows them to do massive pop-ups, links, and send porno e-mail in your name. Rule of thumb, if it says, "Tawnee Stone"-plan to get a virus. Last week my computer quarantined 27 viruses. Now I know why my dick is sore.

My biggest peeve is when you have a group of photos to click on and you click on a young looking girl and the next thing is that they send you off to some "Youngest Girls on the Net" web page. Kiddie porn is not what I want. A woman should be 18 before she is abused, degraded and made to look like she is 14.

I was disappointed when I found out that skat has nothing to do with jazz. There is another group of sick fucks this planet can do without.

I have determined that the phrases "Russian girls" or "Czech girls" is synonymous with skank. Why do all these girls look like Courtney Love or at best Drew Barrymore on crack?

I have developed an attachment for cartoon girls with perfect round breasts and green hair who get raped by a monster with 20 tentacles shaped liked giant cocks. This is not something I would have craved watching on my own, but now I am hooked. I would sell my mother's soul for Minka. I am learning Japanese too.

For those writers needing ideas I suggest the comic sites. There is nothing like watching Barney drilling Pebbles or daughter Judy taking it up the ass.

Live girl rooms are fun. Normally they do not have sound and you are not in the line of conversation. The conversation generally sucks anyway. On some sites the girls speak- always with a New York accent and they are all dumb as dirt from what I have seen and heard so far- not too different from the clients. They will toss you from the room if you are nasty. I got tossed once for pointing out the show was actually taped (I saw it the day before) and the girl was just faking it. You develop favorites by watching them. Most of my favorites have big tits. Some just have large tits.

And since when was it required all women shave their muff? And why the fuck are the Europeans doing it too? When you go to a hairy pussy site, they look like gorilla pussy. Can't we just have one normal looking beaver like mom's?

What I hate is when some guy in the live chat room wants a close-up of the girl's asshole. Does this really turn guys on? I mean the guys who have never been to prison. You want to tell the jerk, "Buddy, if you want to see an asshole, just look in a mirror." So now the girl turns around, sticks her ass in the camera and pulls her cheeks apart? What the fuck? I hope she doesn't expect this non-paying customer to stick around and watch.

Has anyone else caught the Paris Hilton up skirt pussy shot? Are pussy lips supposed to hang down that far naturally? I have never seen such an ugly set of flaps.

Bestiality- What is with that? I admit it, I was curious- I had to look. I looked, I saw, I scratched my head, said "what the fuck" and left. Good looking women, not Russian girls mind you, blowing pigs, dogs and horses. I am not sure if there is a law against this stuff or even if there should be, but DAMN! Just because you can suck off a horse and swallow a gallon of cum doesn't mean you have to do it. I love my dog, but I don't even let him hump my leg, let alone giving the pooch a blow job. That is just plain spoiling the dog.