Reality Hits Me

When I saw Ryan across the room I knew this was going to be a good night. We hadn't seen each other in over four months and we both knew that the last time we were together it was intense.

I made my way to the kitchen to grab a beer. I must have said hi to about a dozen people, as this was the perfect opportunity to catch up with everyone.

Our graduating year was close. No one was an outsider and when we had all gone our separate ways at the end of August we vowed to come back at Christmas. So here we were at Blake's parents house partying it up.

"Hey cutie,"

I looked up and smiled. It was Ashley. She hadn't changed bit and was still cute, petite, and adorable. She was wearing a deep red coloured dress that covered only the bare essentials. The back dropped low. The front caressed her above average breasts. The skirt was tight and made her bubble butt look even more delicious.

"Hey to you too. What's up?

"I am loving Florida. It's hot. It's sunny. I get to go to Disney World whenever I want. It's fucking amazing!"

I laughed. The fact she had used the word fuck once was a surprise. For being a petite little thing she had a mouth on her. Of course most times her foul language was perfect when she got into heated conversations about football.

"I'm glad you are enjoying college. Harvard is pretty good although with the last snow fall I was sort of wishing I was closer to home."

I grinned. It had been a huge deal when I got into Harvard. Yes most people had left Mississippi to go out of state but Florida, Georgia and Texas were the top three choices. All hot climates. All good schools. I was the exception. I was the brains that had gotten into an Ivy League school.

"You can stop flirting with me and go see him"

I was about to open my mouth to pretend that I had no idea what she was talking about. She had glanced towards Ryan and I knew that she was talking about him. With anyone else I would deny it but I couldn't with her. I looked over and Ryan was still in the same spot. He was standing on the third step almost as if he were overseeing the party. In fact I knew it was because he refused to pretend to be interested in sports or music just to have a conversation.

"Yeah. Your too smart for your own good you know."

"Yep but I'm cute. And if I get my way I'll marry a rich oil tycoon and get to spend the rest of my life in luxury."

I rolled my eyes and made my way through the crowd. It was strange that my body was reacting the way it was. My hands were sweaty and my jeans were tightening right against my crotch. The blood was pumping into my cock and I was thankful that I had worn black jeans and not the dress pants my mom had suggested I wear. The red button up shirt was clinging to my body and I heard my boot heels clacking on the expensive wood floors. By the time I got to the foot of the stairs I was nervous. I had no idea why. It was Ryan. The guy I had grown up with. The guy who had let me crash at his place the first time I got drunk. It was Ryan.

"Hey." I said.

"Hey."

The awkward silence lasted nine and a half seconds and then we both burst out laughing. He stepped down and hugged me tight. Four months of ignored emails and phone calls. Four months of polite conversation through Facebook was forgotten. For the time being at least, the events on Labour Day were forgotten.

"It's nice to see you again. How's school" Ryan asked.

"It's good. Lots of studying. And it's so cold up there. There's snow on the ground and everything."

"Fuck. You should have come to Texas with me."

"Um No. I cannot spend the rest of my life working in the oil fields. I'd go crazy. I'm not like you."

"Yep." Ryan said, cutting off the last sound. I stepped back both physically and mentally. Our eyes locked and the thorn in our relationship was brought forth.

At the end of the summer I was ready to give up everything to be with Ryan. I literally had my hand on the phone ready to call Harvard and say 'no thanks I'm going to stay here.' I had been willing to pack up and spend my days doing manual labour with the man I loved.

It was hard to pinpoint what exactly happened. I had denied him as my boyfriend at one too many get-togethers. He had gone and flirted with guys at the bars we snuck into all summer. I had called him a fag in reaction to him suggesting that I'd need to hide my sexual orientation from all the snobby brown nosed students I'd be going to school with. It was a breaking point for both of us.

I took a deep breath and waited. He did the same. He was leaning against the banister. He wore faded blue jeans and a blue shirt. He was brave enough to not wear Christmas colours. I had always liked that about him. His blonde hair was shaggy and I could imagine his mom telling him to get a hair cut. I waited. And so did he.

"I have a girlfriend now. She's pretty cute," he said matter of fact.

I had heard rumours but was glad that it was confirmed.

"I'm glad. Tell me about her."

"She's just a tiny little thing. Red hair and brown eyes. She trains horses. You know you can get a degree in that? Yep. She needed to spend Christmas with her family so we'll be spending New Years together.

""I'm happy for you Ryan. Really I am."

"I know you are Cole. You know that you're the only person who every believed in me."

He waves at the crowd in front him. Everyone else was so fake. Pretending to be o.k. with me. Pretending that I was part of the group. It's nice to be somewhere else where there are no judgements passed on you. Although I wish that you were there sometimes. I wish sometimes I can have you again."

I gasped at his last sentence. I was expecting everything up until that part. I wanted to step back but instead I stepped forward.

"Ryan don't. We're not good together. The sex is good and that's it. You said so yourself. You have a girlfriend."

The throbbing between my legs was telling me to agree with his statement. My mind was telling me something different. All I could do was leave. I gulped down my beer and walked to the front door. Outside the air was hot and muggy. The twinkling Christmas lights reminded everyone of the season. The street was littered with cars. We weren't the only ones having a Christmas party. I made it to my car and then heard footsteps. I knew Ryan was behind me. I spun around and leaned against the car door.

"I'm going home too. I've done my duty for this year."

I smiled and watched as he walked around and climbed into the passenger seat.

The drive to his place was quiet. He didn't have to say anything for me to know that his wish was only that, a wish. He didn't want me back. He had moved on and I hadn't.

He said he'd be in touch and I nodded. It was the superficial words that we always hated when others said. We had fallen into the typical behaviour of pretending we'd see each other again. Assuming that being back home meant that seeing high school friends was the most important thing in the world. We left the party knowing that although we enjoyed everyone's company, four months was an eternity when it came to relationships.

He walked up the steps to his house. As I pulled away I knew he'd spend Christmas Day with his mom then drive across town to meet up with his dad. He'd hop on a flight on Boxing Day probably and be reunited with his girlfriend. They'd do family things and one New Year's, although probably not this one, he'd probably propose.

Christmas 2011 wasn't the worse Christmas of my life but it clearly wasn't the best. That short time with Ryan reminded me that in those days between Labour Day and Christmas we had changed. We were no longer high school boys. We were young adults and the world was in front of us. The summer was only a distant memory.