Reflections of a Love Slave Ch. 03bysimply_cyn©
Author's Note: This essay, along with the two before, were prompted by an ex-Master that wanted my thoughts on his return. The first one I turned in to him as commanded ... the rest have been my way of dealing with troubled thoughts since then.
Why do my words falter and my heartbeat quicken when his eyes simply fall upon my countenance? How is it that he knows my tears are coming even before they sting my eyes? Where does he find the power to bring me shaking to my knees? What does he want with me after all this time?
These questions and oh, so many more, haunt me; even when I think that I might have shaken off the endless fear and anxiety the mere mention of his name spirals me into. The power he reigns over me with just a simple word ... a look without even the timbre of his voice to jumpstart my heart into overdrive. Why can't I control my emotions when he finds worth in speaking to me? It's as if I can't help the tears or the trembling of my fingers, much less the wild beating of my heart. And he can see it! He knows it even before I do and it's so frustrating. How can he know me so well?
I want to run to him with open arms and fall at his feet. I want to reach out and beg him to never leave. I want to drive hundreds of miles just to see his smile. I want to latch onto him like a baby to its mother for protection even when the protection I seek is the fear I have of him breaking my heart. I want to feel the brush of his hand over my flesh. I want to bear the weight of his burdens. I want to feel the reality of his love.
But instead I stumble over foolish words that send him into angered silence and displease him with ways that I had well hidden away in his absence. But yet, he still watches and knowing this brings me a restless comfort. Even though I may not see him, it's like I can feel his burning gaze. I want so desperately to please him even when he's not there but my whole being cries out for his guidance. Please ... help me.
Will I ever know the beauty that I once basked in, knowing that he loved me? Can I dare hope that he longs for use to complete the story that we began? I am held helpless on the end of a chain that I know not what it is rooted to and I am scared. I need him to unchain me from this mess that I call life and pull me back to that place where I found comfort the most. Why, oh why, have you forsaken me?
Tell me to do it and I will. Command me to lay prone at your feet and I am there. Motion me to submit and it is done. My mind, body and soul need only follow the path that my heart has already tread. Even now as I reflect on your words to me tonight, my heart aches in desperate longing. I crave your words, even if they are spoken in anger or displeasure at my actions. Just speak to me!
I am your kajira ... your shadow ... your creation. Don't leave me here in despair! I can do nothing without you but everything through you. There is no me without you; just the shell of the girl that you left behind. Mold me, shape me, bend me to your will. Bring back the fire that burned so brightly that it illuminated the both of us. I yearn to feel the kiss of hammered steel and the brand of your love.
But there is that fear within me that keeps me on this side of the gate that I have well erected in his absence. And I have not received enough confirmation from his end to unlock it. For now I continue to speak to him over its comforting top. I still have a safety net in which to fall ... within the confines of this tall tower of walls that I have so successfully erected. The time spent with him, as limited as it has been, since his return has fueled my fire again but it has also made me more cautious. I refuse to be a pauper to a game that he could be playing with my heart. What kind of girl would I be to refuse to acknowledge that possibility?
I am not the same girl you left behind. I have learned so much, more than you can possibly fathom, through the heartbreak and the destruction that you left behind with your goodbye. It will take more this time than a glance my way and a simple command even though my heart screams out that that, indeed, is what it craves. This time I will let my head in on this decision and it does not remain with you alone. At least in our time together you gave me this precious gift ... common sense. And no one, not even you, the One I love, can take that away this time.