Regrets

We burst through the door as we entered our home; happy, exuberant and eager to undress and make love. It was after midnight and we were returning from celebrating our 20th anniversary with a small group of family and friends.

"Twenty years," I told my wife Lila, "twenty years and not a single regret. I love you more now than ever and I thank you for every minute we have been together."

"I love you too." she replied, "You are the only man I have ever loved or want to love. I am happier now than I have ever been."

"No regrets?" I questioned, picking up on her omission.

"Not a one......except..........well........maybe...."

"Come on, out with it. You know you can't keep any secrets from me."

"It's not a secret; it's just some thing that I realized when I was having a talk with Kerry this afternoon."

"She's in college and nineteen years old. She must be accustomed to being away from home. Surely you talked to her about the birds and the bees before this."

"Of course I have," she replied, "our daughter is very knowledgeable when it comes to sex; much more so than I was at her age."

"You were nineteen when we got married, so how can she know more than you did?"

"That's exactly it. I was a virgin when we married. You are the only man I have ever been with. She has been with two boys in high school and Ryan is the second one she has slept with in college so far."

"So far? Are you telling me our daughter is a slut? What the hell is going on under my nose? I'm not about to support a son and daughter to sleep around in college. And what about if she has a baby.......?"

"Calm down honey," she interrupted my tirade, "her virginity is long gone and no one seems to care about that these days anyway."

"Then why are we talking about this? How did we get on this subject when we were so happily celebrating our anniversary?"

"You asked if I had any regrets and all I could possibly think of is that Kerry already has had a much more varied sex life than I ever had."

"Well let me show you that quality trumps variety anytime," and I took her to bed and made love to her the best way I knew how. When we cuddled afterwards I kissed her and said, "Good night Lila, I love you, you're all the woman I will ever want."

"I love you too Max, good night."

************

I am a lawyer, a pretty good one, and I put in a lot highly paid billable hours. Lila and I lead a very comfortable life. But I come from very humble circumstances. My paternal grand parents come over from Eastern Europe bringing my father as an infant. Grandpa worked in the steel mills around Pittsburgh and my father followed him into the mills until they closed down in the seventies and eighties. Times were tough for us then but somehow my parents made it through and my Dad made sure I went to college and law school so I would never have to be dependent on a mill job like he was.

My way of giving back for what they did for me was to run the pro bono section in our law firm. Pro bono is a free service we provide for people who have been wronged, often by the intricacies of the law, and cannot afford the legal fees needed to obtain justice. I did it once a week, after office hours, from 6 pm until we finished up, often until midnight. I donated my time and paid the one secretary who stayed late to help me. I had been doing this for many years every Thursday evening and Janet Hobbs was the secretary who most often stayed as my assistant. She needed the money because she was a recent widow with two teen aged children to support.

About a week after our anniversary we were finishing dinner when Lila brought up the subject again.

"Max," she said, "I have been thinking....." She let the subject hang.

"About what?" I bit.

"About age and experience."

"What are you getting at Lila?"

"I'm 39 years old and in a few more years I will start menopause. I'm getting old and I am so inexperi0enced. My daughter has had more varied sexual experiences than I have had and the six years you had in college and law school gave you a lot more chances with a lot more women before we got married,

"Lila, you have had twenty years experience with me. We have tried lots of things together, even some things you didn't like and refused to do. I never forced you."

"That's just it, you never forced me. You love me too much."

"How can I love you too much?" I didn't like where this conversation was going. "Just what is it that you are trying to say?"

She hesitated, afraid to say what was on her mind and then suddenly blurted out, "I want someone different than you, some one who doesn't love me, some one who just wants to fuck me. I just want to try someone different and I want your permission before I do it."

There it was; a big fat elephant in the room, sitting on his rump, his truck upraised trumpeting his triumph and that stupid elephant smile on his face.

"You want my permission to fuck other men? Are you crazy? You are my wife! How can I give you permission to fuck some one else? Well my answer is, NO! It's like playing with fire. Some one will get burnt. No good can out of such an arrangement."

"Please Max; this is something I have to do. I don't want to do it behind your back, I don't want to cheat. I'll tell you all about it when it happens, every detail."

"Good grief woman, why would I want to know that? I don't want to know about it, I don't want to hear about it and I certainly don't want to hear the details about it. I won't ask and you won't have to tell."

What I didn't realize was that with what I said, she took it that I implied permission for her to pursue her delusion as long as she didn't tell me about it.

The following week after the discussion I had with Lila, I finished up my Thursday night pro bono work earlier than usual. When I got home Lila wasn't there. As I was preparing for bed she came home. I could tell she had been drinking and she smelled of cigarette smoke.

"Where have you been and why are you dressed like that?" I challenged her. She was wearing tight jeans and an even tighter sweater. She looked very sexy.

"I was out. I didn't feel like staying home alone. It's not like when I had the kids for company every Thursday while you worked late."

"Does this have anything to do with what we talked about last week?"

After a moments hesitation she gave me defiant, "Yes."

"Lila, please don't do this. We have had twenty wonderful years together, two children to be proud of and a lifetime of good living in front of us. Please don't jeopardize our future together."

"I haven't done anything that I am ashamed of nor do I intend to do anything that I can't tell you about. I will freely discuss anything you want to know any time you ask."

"No thanks, if what you are doing is what I think it is, it's not something I can be comfortable with. I'm not one of those guys who gets off on his wife's adventures. I didn't give yon permission to do this and there is no way I can stop you if you persist except to say that you are putting our marriage in jeopardy."

"Well I'm not doing anything wrong and if you don't want to ask then I don't want to tell so let's just leave it at that."

Well, I couldn't just leave it at that, I had to know what was going on, on Thursday evenings. So I hired a private detective to follow her. The report came back and it wasn't all that bad. She was going to a bar/restaurant called 'The Cougar's Club', an up scale establishment not far from where we lived. There, she spent the evening seated at the bar conversing, and some times flirting and dancing with several men and even some women. There was nothing in her behavior that was really objectionable. She was always home by midnight and I called off the surveillance, until the night she came home drunk and horny.

I had walked in a few minutes before her and I had just started washing up before going to bed. She walked up behind me as I was standing in front of the sink, I could see her reflected in the mirror. Her hair was tousled and her face was flushed. She was wearing a scoop necked sweater and her pushed up tits were almost overflowing her neckline. Her skirt was as least four inches above her knees. She looked sexy as all hell and acted just the way she looked. She also smelled of booze, pot and after shave.

She walked up behind me and put her arms around my waist, pressing her erect nipples against my back and her pelvis against my ass. It was obvious that some one had her hot and horny and all worked up and she had not been satisfied.

"Come on honey, take me to bed and fuck my brains out." she said as she kissed my back and her hands crept inside of my boxers to play with my cock. I don't know why, but I was pissed off because I imagined what some guy must have done to have gotten her so aroused. Someone else must have had his hands on her ass, or tits and gotten her to the point that she wanted to be fucked.

I knew she hadn't been brought to completion but I still felt as if she was offering me sloppy seconds and I turned her down.

"I'm sorry babe, it's just been too long a day, and I don't think I can get it up."

I could be just as stubborn as she was. I could tell she was more than disappointed. Probably very angry because she looked at me for a long moment and then said, "OK, if that's the way you want it."

The next week she didn't come home until after I was asleep but I woke up when I heard the shower running at 2 am. She never showered when she came home on any of the previous Thursdays. I was feigning sleep with my back to her when she got into bed and kissed my shoulder.

"It's a good thing you won't ask," she whispered, "because now I won't have to tell."

God damn it, what had she done! I laid there stewing, my imagination running wild. In the morning at breakfast I refused to say anything about what time she got home or ask about what she had done. But the tension between us was palpable. I didn't even kiss her goodbye when I left for work.

I was more than a little annoyed at what was going on and I decided to check out the Cougar's Club for myself. I went there for lunch; it was a pretty big place with two big bars with a large settee area in between. Sofas and love seats and hassocks spread out. The restaurant was an after thought, tucked in the back behind a small dance floor. Everything done in dark colors and dim even in the afternoon.

I sat at the bar and watched the few people there, three women sitting singly, two of whom soon paired up with two guys. I said to the bar tender, indicating the women with a nod of my head. "Not much action today?"

"Naw," he said, "never is much during the day, mostly housewives who can't get out at night. The real action is mostly nights, Thursday night seems to attract the married ones and Friday and Saturday nights, the single women."

"How real is the action?"

"Well we don't allow any obvious fucking but almost anything up to that goes on. I've heard plenty of women getting it off while they were wrapped around some guy."

I took out my wallet, I had a head shot of Lila in it. I laid it on the bar.

"Ever seen this woman in here?" I laid a $100 dollar bill next to it.

"Yeah, she comes in a couple of times a week." Another hundred on top of the first.

"Days or evenings?" Another hundred

"Sometimes during the day, every Thursday night." Another hundred

"Does she ever hook up?" One more hundred.

"Every time. That's one hot Mama."

"Thanks," I said and I got up to leave.

"Hey, don't forget your picture." he called out as I walked away.

"I don't need it any more." was my parting remark.

I told Janet Hobbs that we were going out to dinner next Thursday evening; pro bono would have to get along without us. She gave me a questioning look and I had to tell why.

"Oh Max, I'm so sorry to hear this. What are you going to do?"

"I don't know Janet. I really don't know what is going on. That's why I want to go there tonight to see for myself. I'm asking you out because I need a companion so I won't look out of place."

She agreed to come with me and Thursday night we were in the club, in the settee area, sitting on a love seat, watching Lila waiting at the bar. I saw her face light up when he walked up to her. I saw the sparkle in her eye and her arms go around his neck when he kissed her hello. I saw his hands cup her ass as he pulled her to him and I saw her thrusting her hips as she rubbed her cunt on his thigh. She was humping him as he openly fondled her ass.

They started walking in our direction and even in the dim light I was afraid she would recognize me so I quickly swung around and with the back of my head facing them. I kissed Janet. I heard them settle into the sofa near us and we could hear their muted conversation.

"I have been dreaming about your cock all week," Lila said, "I can still feel it pulsing between my tits and spraying on my face. It made me cum when you did that."

"It will be better when you let me cum inside of you. I want to feel your pussy clamping down on my cock when you cum tonight. Why are you holding me off? When are you going to let me in?"

Ohhh god Larry," she moaned, "When you do that to me......Ooh please........ Larry.... Please, your making........me cummmmmmmmmmmm.

"I'm glad you listened to me and you didn't wear a bra tonight. Your tit is so soft and your nipple so hard."

"Oh god, you make me so hot. I can't get enough of you. I'm cumming againnnnnnnn."

"Lila please, let me fuck you. Sit on my cock, Nobody will know."

"No, let me suck it first. I love the taste of your cum."

"No, Lila. No I'll cum too soon. Ooh god........yes..... swallow it all......ooooh.

It was all too much. Even though I was listening to my wife, I was kissing Janet and I didn't stop. My hand went to her tit and at first she tried to push it away but then her hand left mine and it went to my cock, my stiff hard cock, and she stroked it. I came in my pants and she followed when my hand rubbed her clit. Both of us had wet pants and we couldn't talk for fear of being overheard.

But we could hear Larry, "Come home with me. Let me make love to you in my bed. Let me fill your pussy with my love juice and let me be your husband."

"Larry, you're so sweet. But you're fifteen years younger than I am. We would never last as a couple. You are almost the same age as my daughter. Besides, I still love my husband; I don't want to leave him. I told you when we started; I just wanted to experience some different men."

I stood up and lifted Janet with me. As I did I heard Lila continue, "Oh yes, right there........ooooooh yes...... on my clit.....your tongue.......so good.....

Janet and I wended our way through the wriggling mass of bodies that now surrounded us and we made our way back to our cars. I said to her, "I'm embarrassed, that never should have happened."

"I'm glad it did," she answered, "It's been too long for me since my husband died." She stepped in close and gave me a lingering kiss on the lips. "I enjoyed every bit of it. It's just too bad about your wife. What are you going to do?"

"I don't know. She says she doesn't want to leave me. She said she still loves me. I guess I will have to blink and ask her what is going on. I have to know if she fucked him and if she will stop."

"Good luck." was her parting comment and I went home to await Lila's return.

It was after two am when she walked in the door. I was sitting in the den awaiting her return. She was not even trying to hide her tardiness.

"Hi Max, I didn't expect you to waiting up for me."

"I know you didn't but we have to talk. This can't go on."

"What can't go on?"

"Your going out on Thursday nights. Where do you go, Lila? What do you do?"

"What happened to 'Don't ask, don't tell?" She countered my question with hers.

"It's over, finished, and our marriage might be also. Did you fuck him, Lila?"

"Our marriage, finished? Did I fuck who? What are you talking about?"

You once told me that you did nothing to be ashamed of, nothing that you couldn't tell me about. Do you want to tell me what you did tonight?"

She stood silently, her eyes downcast, her fingers nervously wrestling with one another.

"I'm talking about Larry, the guy you have been meeting at the Cougar's Club. Did you fuck him tonight?"

"No, I never fucked anyone but you."

"I can see you are not wearing a bra. Are you wearing panties?"

She didn't answer and the look on her face told me what I wanted to know.

"He had his fingers in your pussy?"

A whispered, "Yes. But never his cock"

"He never had his cock in your mouth or in your ass," I questioned?

Silence, which was answer enough.

"Do you want to stay married to me?"

"Yes," the tears were running now.

"OK then you don't have to tell me anymore. You have had your experience with another man. That's as much as you are going to get. You have done things with anther man that you have never done with me. Things that you denied and refused me. It stops now or our marriage is finished. I love you but I will not share you. It is going to be hard for us to get past this and if you do anything that resembles intimacy with anyone but me we are done. Do you understand and do you accept my conditions?"

"Yes."

I accepted her desire to remain married and her promise to be faithful but it was never the same between us. There was never the same love and trust, never the same confidence in our relationship, never the same sharing of our lives. In the rare times when we made love it was more mechanical than passionate. Perhaps I always felt I was in competition with Larry, perhaps she was looking for something of him in me. The intimacy was gone from our marriage.

It took less than two years for every thing to fall apart. I came home from work one evening to find the house empty, no Lila to greet me, no dinner waiting. Instead I found letter propped up on the kitchen table. It read,

Max

I'm so sorry for what happened to our marriage. It's all my fault and I accept the entire blame. I still love you, just not the way I once did and I am sure that you feel it's not the same either. It's just not like it was between us before I wanted to experience another man,

I know some one has replaced me in you heart, I don't know who but she has come between us. I do know that I cannot remain in this farce of a marriage, knowing I was the one who destroyed it. You told me once I was playing with fire and I realize that I am the one who got burnt.

I ran into Larry a few months ago and we have become lovers again. I find that now I am much more comfortable with him than I am with you. Maybe it's the guilt I am carrying. I am taking only what I came into our marriage with, my clothes (although they are more now than I had then) and my personal items. I want and deserve nothing else from you.

When you want a divorce I will accept whatever terms you propose.

I leave you with my best wishes and deepest regrets,

Lila

There it was then, the final blow, my marriage was over. Of course the end had started with her decision to sample another man but the tipping point was my relationship with Janet. The evening at the Cougar's Club was only the beginning of an extra marital romance that grew way beyond that first evenings kisses.

Janet and I had become very close working together on those pro bono evenings and even closer after we shared those kisses at the Cougar's Club. She became my personal assistant in the office and my mistress during our lengthened lunches and afternoon assignations. She was soon joining me on all of my out of town trips. The sex with her was incredible, much more varied and more intense than it ever was with Lila. I was spending so much time with her that I hardly came home to Lila. By the time Lila left, I didn't miss her at all. The strangest thing was that Janet never asked why I didn't marry her.