Long ago I began to play a game meant just for me whereby I kept a list of ten things or ten places that I wanted to experience before this lifetime ends. Each time I ticked one off, I moved it to a new list called "dreams realized", and promptly added to the prior list a new wish. Well, Henry Miller (somewhere out there in Louisiana) this one is for you! After all these years you remain at the top of my list of "things I want to do." The what if's are never far from my mind...
* * * * *
It's no wonder that I was nervous. I had never done anything like this before. What if he did not remember me? What would I say to him? After all it had been over twenty-nine years since we last saw each other.
I was becoming obsessive about what he 'd be like as an adult.
Perhaps it was the feeling that there were still matters unresolved that was the catalyst. Perhaps it was an effort to stop middle age from descending on me. One last hurrah to recapture this lover of my youth.
So as logical or illogical as it may be, my relentless curiosity drove me to the library. It is really amazing how simple it was to find him. I've known for several years that he lived in a small city only twenty-five miles away. All it took was thirty minutes of my time and a R. L. Polk directory and I had his address, home telephone number, and his employer's name, address and telephone number. I made a copy and put it in my wallet.
That was over two months ago.
This morning while sharing coffee and a soak in our hot tub, my husband asked me if I had called him. Having shared our fantasies though the years, Nathan is well aware of my passionate memories of youth.
"Today is the day!" was my enthusiastic reply.
About mid-morning as I sat staring at my reflection in the mirror of the dressing table, images of young Henry floated though my mind's eye. He was tall, muscular, with thick inviting lips that served him well, and hair as blond as corn silk that he wore in a crew cut. This dream state brought me back to a warm humid night many years ago.
We were parked outside a neighbor's house about two blocks from where my parents lived. In all probability my father was laying in bed watching the clock to be certain that I honored curfew.
At first nothing was really out of the ordinary, just the usual deep tongue swapping kisses one practices as a prelude to what was then called "petting". Pushing Henry away by less that an arm's length, I told him we needed to talk. Earlier that day, my closest friend, Erin, had tearfully confided that she was afraid that she was pregnant.
I knew she was sleeping with Paul, but I honestly did not understand why she continued to do so. "Why did you put yourself in the position where you might get pregnant?"
The look on her face bewildered me, so incredulous did she respond to my question. "You really don't understand, do you? It just feels so good I couldn't stop!"
Of course, Henry found my story humorous. He must have been amused because he had a really good laugh before he chuckled his response, "Would you like me to show you what she means?"
I do not remember answering affirmatively. In fact I do not remember answering at all.
Before I knew what was happening, his fingers were unbuttoning my blouse, and his hand cupped my breast. Quickly and with tenderness he freed my breast from the restraints of the cotton apparel. I was mortified that he was looking at that part of my anatomy, but I was too dumbfounded and too excited to say anything. He held the tip of the nipple between two fingers and squeezed and tugged with an alternating rhythm.
My physical experiences had heretofore been nil, but my daydreams and nightdreams had always left me with a tingle between my legs. I was totally unprepared for the wave of heat that consumed me, nor the electric rush that connected my breast and my vagina. When I opened my eyes I saw his mouth suckling my nipple. At this point I was swooning; I would have followed him anywhere if only he do that again.
But he didn't. No, he raised his head, righted my clothes and smiled. "Now do you understand?”
The telephone rang and startled me back from the dream state. It must have rung a few times before penetrating my reality for whoever it had been had already hung up the line before any words passed my lips. Holding the receiver in hand, I decided to procrastinate no longer. I dialed his office number and waited for the first ring nervously.
"Henry Miller and Associates” answered a clear precise female voice.
"Mr. Miller, please."
"Who shall I say is calling and what is this in reference to?"
Momentarily panic gripped my stomach as the realization hit me that I could either hang up or forget this foolishness, or jump in with both feet. My voice cracked as my subconscious made the decision without consulting my conscious being. "I am an old childhood friend of Mr. Miller's. I thought I'd call and surprise him. Would you be a dear and help me?"
"Well, that is a bit irregular. "
"Please," I persisted. "I'm in town for today only, and I'd like to see if he is free for lunch."
Perhaps she too had read the same romance novels, for without answering me she connected me to his extension. So much for a little white lie.
"Henry this is a voice form your past. I called to surprise you; I'm going to feel really silly if you do not remember me. This is Diana. Diana Sanders."
The silence that followed was so deafening. Then a sigh and what was surely a smile crossed his face for the tone of his voice lost all traces of the grown up Henry. When he spoke there was the same cocky flirtatious voice of my youth.
"Diana! How are you? Where are you? Of course I remember you? Didn't you ever get the messages I left for you.? I went by your old homestead two years ago in hopes that your father would tell me how to reach you."
This was more than I could comprehend. He remembered me! He had wanted to see me, too! And, my father had stood as defensive guard and judge by preventing this hopeful reunion from happening a lot sooner.
"Look, Diana, I can clear my calendar by about one o'clock and then be free for the rest of the afternoon. Why don't we meet and talk?"
My hand was shaking as I placed the telephone back onto the receiver. In less than three hours I would see his face again. We had agreed to meet in the bar of the Column's Hotel. The excitement of the moment caused a surge of adrenaline to permeate me.
Thinking to myself of the things that needed to be organized and readied only served to increase the tension and anxiety. A bubblebath had always been a great stress relief for me, so I drew a tub of water so hot the steam was rising, added a few drops of my favorite essential oil, and placed lit candles around the clawfoot tub. I dropped my robe in a heap on the floor and climbed in. Sinking down in the water, only my head remained dry. Closing my eyes I again thought of young Henry.
He had always been a connoisseur of fellatio. Everything I ever learned about pleasing a lover in that manner, I learned under the guidance of Henry. One of my past lovers had in fact talked jokingly of placing an ad in the newspaper to publicly thank him.
Ironically, while receiving my first lesson in oral sex, I also recevied my first introduction to the male genitalia. And what a surprise it was! When he unzipped his jeans and exposed his white jockeys, I had no idea what was housed within them. I was amazed when I saw "IT"; "IT" was really big, really round. Having enough sex education to know that this was what a man used when he had intercourse, I was in awe that something that size could possibly enter a woman. At the same time desire canceled any inhibitions I might have possessed. I took this sexual tool in my hand and was delighted by how IT felt. He was so hard, the skin so warm and pink. The tip was such a smooth texture and he reacted so when I touched it that I was totally fascinated by the whole experience.
So when he said: " Go ahead. Put your mouth on it." I was not at all hesitant.
My mouth was drawn to IT just like two magnets. We were in the backseat of his VW so all I had to do was bend forward slightly and contact was made. I began by kissing the tip as though it was his lips. He laced his fingers through my hair and coaxed me to open my lips and use my tongue. Enthusiastically, I did so. A sense of euphoric desire guided me.
"Watch your teeth! And then almost in the same breath, "Ah, yes, Diana."
I was taught to take the testicles in my hands and to gently manipulate them. He particularly liked me to work my way down the shaft with a wet sucking motion. Even I as a novice could sense the physiological changes that occurred at his pre-orgasmic moment; his breathing changed to a deep panting sound, he threw his head back against the seat, his thighs and stomach taught. My tongue could feel his penis swell and surge.
All the while he had worked his fingers under the lining of my underpants and had slipped a finger into what had previously been my virginal vagina. With just his index finger and the palm of his hand he guided our destiny for the night. My body rocked to the rhythms our passion orchestrated; my body being the instrument that he the musician played.
The first taste of semen arrived and I involuntarily pulled away. What seemed like a fountain sprayed from him and onto my face. Licking the edges of my lips I savored my first taste. He pulled me to him and kissed my cum soaked face.
There is no telling how long I floated in that bathe. Long enough for my fingers to look like prune skin and my clitoris to be throbbing.
After drying off, the task at hand was to choose just the right dress. Before that decision could be made, however, I wanted to first select my lingerie. What I wear next to my skin is vitally important in establishing mood and sensuality.
Nathan takes great pleasure in browsing Victoria's Secret, so fortunately for me I own a wonderful collection of silks and satins in all of my favorite colors. As I opened the drawer I was treated to a surprise package wrapped in a deep rose colored paper and ivory ribbons. Inside was a matching bra and panty set of same rose color as the wrappings. A card was at the bottom of the box addressed by Nathan's own hand. "Wear these today, darling, so I can share in your adventure. You will be in my thoughts. I can hardly wait to see you again."
After dusting my body lightly with my favorite fragrance that smelled of violets, I stood before the full-length mirror to observe the image of his gift. The satin smoothly stroked my breasts that stood proudly erect from the sexual tension of the day. The ivory lace that decorated the panties framed and enunciated the curve of my hips. This feels right I thought, I could close my eyes and imagine Nathan's smiling approval.
The dress I chose was a soft blue cotton sundress that hung below my knees with a slit halfway up my left thigh. Simple jewelry, a strand a pink pearls and tear drop pearl earrings were the only additions to my wedding band. Luckily, I'd had a pedicure yesterday so I was satisfied that sandals would compliment the image I hoped to project; comfortable, confident, and subtly sexy.
I arrived at the hotel just before one-fifteen only to discover that the bar did not open until three. He wasn't there yet, so I took a seat on the portico to enjoy the sounds of the trolley as it passed by.
The wait was short. He walked toward me wearing a white shirt, a blue and white pin stripped seersucker suit and tie, and loafers. His smile was warm and full exposing his teeth. There was an unmistakable energy between us as our eyes feasted on each other. My heart took on a staccato beat. There was no doubt that every bit of the old chemistry was still there between us.
His arms encircled me as he drew me close and my feet hardly touched the ground. My hands caressed his face and stroked his hair.
"Oh my God! This is really you! You look wonderful! You haven't changed in all these years! Except that suit! That definitely is not the Henry I remember.
"This is great; you still have the hots for me!" We both started to laugh as the awkward moment of reunion passed.
"Trust me to pick the only bar in the city of New Orleans that wouldn't be open."
"Have you had lunch?" he asked as he took my hand and guided me down the steps. "I have a great little spot in mind."
As we drove we talked about our lives, the people we married, current as well as ex's, his children, and our extended families. We took turns reaching out and squeezing each other as if reassuring ourselves that this was not a dream.
When we reached the tollbooth of the causeway, I inquired about our destination. "For a ride in the country. O.K.?" was his only response.
We proceeded until we reached the Abita Highway. Before long he made a right turn onto an unpaved road that curved deep into the piney woods.
He stopped the car and turns the ignition off. Reaching behind him he took hold of a picnic hamper. "Hungry?" he said with a devilish grin?"
He opened the door for me and helped me out. When I looked into his eyes he kissed the tip of my nose and told me "You still have those freckles. I've never forgotten these."
He led the way to what he insisted was the most perfect spot. There he opened the basket and removed a plaid tablecloth and spread it on the ground. He laid out napkins, plates, wineglasses, and silver service as though we were dining at a grand table. Lunch consisted of ham and Swiss poboys, potato salad, chips and a large juicy dill pickle for my plate.
He had remembered my love of pickles, too.
After pouring the champagne, he handed me a glass and proposed a toast. "To old friends who have found renewal!"
As we cleared the remnants of lunch, Henry asked me if I remembered our last picnic together.
Did I ever remember!
We had double dated with his older sister and her husband. There was a swimming hole within walking distance of our site. Henry suggested that I grab my suit so we could cool off. The only place to change was behind bushes that were in actuality an illusion so far as the privacy they offered. Nonetheless I stood there feeling his challenge, determined not to have him tease me or compare me to the other females in his life. Phrases like, " You aren't woman enough, Diana; you're just a little girl." played through my mind.
When I came back to the clearing, there he stood in his red swim trunks. A look of appreciation crossed his face as he gazed at my slight figure donned in a burnt orange bikini. He took my hand in his and led me down the trail to what looked to me as nothing more than a deep murky mud hole. This he informed me was where he intended us to swim.
So, we did. Swimming was definitely an exaggeration, for this hole was not large enough to even stretch out in. My arms were around his waist as he supported my body in cradle like fashion. He bobbed me up and down in the water laughingly. He began to kiss me as he stroked my shoulders. His fingertips brushed the tops of my breasts. I offered no resistance when he released the tie to the halter-top. Hugging him to me more tightly our nipples touched. All the while our tongues hungrily ignited the others passions. My arms were now locked behind his neck; my fingers intertwined his hair. His arms were around my torso as he skillfully maneuvered my legs apart to encircle his body.
We seemed to dance through the water. My head was dizzy with excitement. His own level of excitement had reached his groin for he was now very erect. He pressed against me; all that separated us was two thin pieces of cloth. He freed himself of the restraints of his own trunks and tossed them up to the bank with my top. Only one piece of clothing now kept us apart. His thumbs were tracing my labia to my clitoris. My bikini bottom was then his target as he pulled it aside. I felt his hardness parting my vagina lips.
He was really upset. He accused me of leading him on, being a prick tease, and oh yes, and not being woman enough. I can't explain why I stopped him. I was just overcome with panic. I could hear my mother's voice saying "Good girls wait.” So I waited.
That was the last time I saw him until today.
My thoughts were interrupted by the sound of his voice. "Diana, you are positively blushing!"
"I know. I'm sorry. I was thinking about that day. What a dunce I was. I've chalked it up to hormones rampaging before my mind was ready. All these years though, I've dreamed about that day. And wondered how my life might have been different had I lost my viginity to you."
"As long as we are confessing," Henry said as he stoked my hair, "I was pissed at the time. But, I respected you later for your decision to wait. When I was in Viet Nam I had fantasies about that day, only I always changed the ending."
"In my dreams I change the ending, too."
The champagne was by now long gone as we sat beside each other with fingers laced. He was the first to break the silence, "Let's take a walk. There is a path right over there.”
Helping me to my feet he held out his hand. We walked in peaceful silence. There was something oddly familiar about these woods. A kind of de' ja vou. It was not until we rounded the path into what used to be a clearing but now was being reclaimed into the woods by undergrowth that the pond became evident.
He smiled at me with his familiar devilish grin, "Feel like a swim?”
Without waiting for a reply we were wrapped in each other’s arms, kissing, pouring our hands over each other’s bodies. He took my dress over my head. And there I stood wearing nothing but Nathan's gift for all of God's creatures to see.
I unbuttoned his shirt as fast as my fingers enabled me. He had such a beautiful chest full of blonde curls. His nipples were already signaling readiness. The trousers were next. As I unzipped the zipper his erection filled my hand. Gone were the days of white jockeys for this man; instead he wore briefs with a contoured fit to enhance his already gorgeous body.
Unhooking my bra with one hand, he took one of my breasts in the other. He began to work that old magical feeling. His breath was so hot when his tongue first touched my nipple. Immediately my knees began to tremble of the connection between breast and vagina was made by the artistry of his tongue.
"Do you remember this?"
"Ooh, yes!" was all the effort I could muster so enthralled was I by his attention. I was oblivious to the mosquitoes that had invaded our space. He edged us to the pond where the water would protect us from their bombardment.
Once settled safely in the water, he nestled my body close to his. Holding my face in his hands he looked into my eyes with a longing mixed with sadness. "Dear sweet Diana. How I've yearned for you! You have been my dream lover no matter where I was or whom I was with. It is so comforting to have you share my dreams even though we have not shared our lives."
He fell silent as he continued to cradle me and rock and sway us though the warm water. We stoked and petted each other and planted affectionate kisses all about. Once again the crescendo of passion had been quelled.
No other words were really necessary. We both seemed to understand that reality could sometimes wash away the dream that one holds dear to their heart. We both knew that a decision had been made by our subconscious to leave the dream undisturbed.
A new dimension had been added, however, now whenever I call upon my dream lover, before me comes the face of this grown man who means so much to me.
We dressed and loaded the car to head back towards home. Sunset was approaching. The sky was lit by a pink glow that promised another beautiful day tomorrow. We drove back in animated conversation content that this had been a gloriously memorable day.