Review: The Dukes of Hazzard

Story Info
Hot babes and hot cars.
1.6k words
3.56
13.8k
2
Share this Story

Font Size

Default Font Size

Font Spacing

Default Font Spacing

Font Face

Default Font Face

Reading Theme

Default Theme (White)
You need to Log In or Sign Up to have your customization saved in your Literotica profile.
PUBLIC BETA

Note: You can change font size, font face, and turn on dark mode by clicking the "A" icon tab in the Story Info Box.

You can temporarily switch back to a Classic Literotica® experience during our ongoing public Beta testing. Please consider leaving feedback on issues you experience or suggest improvements.

Click here

I just saw the "The Dukes of Hazzard" movie and it was so thought provoking that I felt compelled to offer my review.

It's a story about a family of inbred southerners that takes the law into its own hands and creates chaos . . . No, wait a minute, that's "Fahrenheit 9/11." "The Dukes" is more about serious environmental concerns and the power of the people to fight injustice in the face of entrenched special interests. That, and hot cars. Of course, formulating public policy naturally requires a lot of half naked babes in heat as well as hot cars, and sometimes hot babes and overheated cars, and even (in extreme cases), hot babes in heat IN overheated hot cars, but mainly hot cars. Oh, there's something in there about a road rally and a land grab, but mostly it's the hot cars.

The hottest of the hot cars and easily the best actor in the movie (as well as possibly the most intelligent) is the General Lee, a 1969 hemi powered Dodge Charger owned by the Duke cousins, Bo (Seann William Scott), and Luke (Johnny Knoxville). Partway through the movie the General undergoes an unexplained conversion to the Lost Cause of the Confederacy and is forced to suffer for his beliefs thereafter at the hands of the intolerant in the form of crude insults and single digit sign language. Fortunately, he is faithfully supported and cared for by his owner and would-be lover, Bo. Bo has little use for women, but can't keep his hands off the General's body, at one point expressing a strong desire to have sex with the stud machine. Whether this involves the dual Holley carbs or the 8" console mounted gear shift is unclear, but it is clear by the end of the movie that Bo intends to marry the General as soon as he can get rid of the girl entwined around his neck.

No, I'm just kidding. Obviously, Bo cannot marry a car. He would have to cross the Macon County line to do that. In Hazzard County, everyone is required by law to marry their first cousin, which, in Bo's case, would probably be Cooter (David Koechner). This does go a long way, though, to explain the character of Sheev (Kevin Heffernan), a drooling, pantsless pervert who makes the banjo picker in "Deliverance" look like a bald Albert Einstein. Sheev cuts bait and blows things up real good while wearing an armadillo shell helmet to ward off government spy rays. And that's when he's on his medication; otherwise, he gets weird.

Luke, on the other hand, is totally obsessed with the female sex. Human female sex, in this case. He is willing to risk being shot by irate parents and siblings, being thrown from high places, being thrown from speeding cars, being chased by law enforcement, being beaten by cousin Bo, breaking and entering, and ingesting near fatal quantities of alcohol and marijuana, just in order to get a little nookie. Considering his run on MTV prior to returning to Hazzard County, his reckless behavior is not all that surprising. What is surprising is that he doesn't spend more time sniffing at the rear end of his cousin Daisy (as some of Atlanta's finest are seen to do with enthusiasm), since they are kissing cousins of the horniest kind and Luke is more than willing to make a "Jackass" of himself over a hot babe.

The hottest of the hot babes and easily the worst actor in the movie (as well as possibly the least intelligent) is Daisy (Jessica Simpson), a 1980 hormone powered barmaid at the Boar's Nest. She portrays an empowered modern woman who can offer cogent, well reasoned arguments to advance the feminine agenda in the form of persuasive body language, or, as she puts it, "shake my ass at somebody." Her everyday costume comprises a D&G bra under a shirt tied at the waist (that unties, oh so easily), Trashy Lingerie red leather sandals with ankle straps and gold-colored spike heels, and True Religion super-distressed denim short shorts with a custom-made leather wallet chain that clips to her belt. But those are just her work clothes for product placement purposes; she dons a red-and-white check Shoshanna bustier and leather vest for formal occasions, like weddings and funerals. In other words, her entire movie wardrobe is assembled from what's left after the tornado hit the trailer park and fits into a shoe box. Daisy has no boyfriend, but doesn't really need one, since her daisydukes keep her grinning from ear to ear with a wedgie so intense that it requires special certification by both the American Protological and Gynecological Associations. When she bends over she displays three sets of cleavage at the same time.

Daisy is able to demonstrate her persuasive abilities to good effect late in the movie when confronted with a police roadblock standing between the General Lee and the long overdue conclusion of a lengthy car chase. She is on the verge of convincing the male officers to desert their positions, when she is confronted by an unsympathetic female officer. Fortunately, Daisy is able to appeal to the more feminine side of the officer by removing her top and giving the woman a long, slow, wet kiss on the mouth . . . Uh, no, I just imagined that part, but rest assured that the General Lee does get past the roadblock using Plan B (luckily for us, or else the movie would never end).

None of this impresses Boss Hogg (Burt Reynolds), however. He is seemingly more interested in sadistically mistreating Sheriff Roscoe P. Coltrane (M.C. Gainey) and keeping his white suit spotless than he is in the Dukes or the plot. He spends much of his time holding his cigar and ruminating on the cruel fates that sent his career into the crapper and flushed him out into movies like this.

Now if he was getting a cut of the product placement revenue, he might be happier, because this movie manages to invoke more brand names and labels than a Best Buy sales sheet. The characters are constantly displaying, holding, wearing, or talking about products including those of such auto makers as Ford, Chevrolet, Dodge, Cadillac, Nissan, Jeep, Lexus, and Mack. Not to be outdone, the refreshment industry enlists the Dukes to guzzle Coca-Cola, Budweiser, Pabst, Dos Equis (I'm not making this up), Maker's Mark, Bombay Sapphire, Tabasco, Castrol, and Gumout. At one point a thirsty Bo orders a beer, "Give me a Miller, no, make that a Lowenbrau," thus getting in plugs for two beers in a single line. The scenery is plastered with more advertising than a NASCAR vehicle, and this is a movie plastered with NASCAR vehicles. Even the stoic General Lee is exploited, as no closeup of him is complete without the camera slowly and lovingly panning across the Charger logo on his grill.

It's enough to make one resort to profanity, which all the characters do early and often. Apparently the Hazzard County school district cannot afford to print words of more than four letters in its textbooks, so all its residents are quite limited in their vocabulary. Even the original Cooter (Ben Jones) complains about the amount of profanity in the movie, and as a former Georgia Congressman, Jones obviously knows a thing or two about profane language, corruption, and sexual perversity.

Of course, sometimes an off color expression is artistically justified; for example, when Luke playfully slams the Atlanta Yellow Pages into Bo's testicles, sending him to the ground clutching his crotch and writhing in pain humorously, Bo is heard to remark, "My ball sack!" But sometimes topical humor can be carried too far. When Bo and Luke venture into an Atlanta minority neighborhood wearing blackface and driving the General Lee with the Stars and Bars on the roof, their encounter with a group of disadvantaged youths is quite amusing, but when they attempt to impersonate two Japanese research scientists, they're probably stepping over the line.

In any event, I think it's the small roles that really "flesh" out the movie: the sorority girls fresh out of the shower, sorority girls foxy boxing in teddies, sorority girls at a girl-girl pot party . . . Mmmm, sorority girls. Oh, and Lynda Carter as Pauline and Willie Nelson as Uncle Jesse.

Lynda Carter lends some much appreciated (cl)ass to her role as Pauline by remaining fully clothed at all times. However, I can only reflect sadly on the opportunity that was lost to showcase a deep impact wedgie of truly seismic proportions by not sheathing her mighty derriere in a pair of XXXL daisydukes. Even a short scene of her in light bondage is small compensation for the cleavage that could have been. *Sigh* Thanks for the memories, Lynda. (But Seismic Wedgies might still be a good name for a southern rock band, since Lynyrd Skynyrd is already taken.)

As for Willie Nelson, I really have to marvel at the sincerity of his heartfelt performance as he portrays a bankrupt, has-been country music singer attempting to cash in on a fading name by doing a stand-up comedy routine of ethnic southern humor. (" What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion? A piece of ass that brings a tear to your eye.") It's all the more amazing considering that both Uncle Jesse and Willie are sky-high on moonshine and weed throughout the entire movie. Oh yes, Willie also performs the "Dukes of Hazzard" theme song over the closing credits. I think I would rather listen to the Seismic Wedgies.

Overall, I'd give this movie one finger, straight up.

Please rate this story
The author would appreciate your feedback.
  • COMMENTS
Anonymous
Our Comments Policy is available in the Lit FAQ
Post as:
Anonymous
6 Comments
AnonymousAnonymousover 13 years ago
wow

dude what the hell man i mean thats just crool

AnonymousAnonymousover 16 years ago

There was supposed to be a "love scene" between Willie Nelson and my friend Lynda Carter (A.K.A. Wonder Woman.) But as she told me, that scene ended up on the cutting room floor. Too bad. For bein' 56 yrs old. she still has the body of a 30-40 year old. And then some!!

AnonymousAnonymousover 16 years ago
Agree for the most part

I agreed with just about everything that you said about the movie. I didn't like the fact that the movie made fun of a TV show that I grew up with and still continue to watch in reruns.

AnonymousAnonymousabout 18 years ago
SUCK

If ya dont like it,dont watch it asshole!

AnonymousAnonymousover 18 years ago
riht on target

the only thing that cold save that movie would be two things new actors and better olot, second jessica simpson doing a striptease at the boar nest along with several other nudr sceens. this movie was a dud of major porportions.

Show More
Share this Story

Similar Stories

"500 Stories": A Look Back I look back upon some of the 500 stories I have released.in Illustrated
The Avengers: Big Brute Cock Black Widow has to calm the Hulk down by any means necessary.in Celebrities & Fan Fiction
Comforting My Neighbor's Daughter I fuck my innocent neighbor when she comes to me for comfort.in Mature
An Old Man and His Fantasy Girl Much older man realizes his dream of the girl next door. in First Time
Let's Be Batman Pt. 01 Guy finds Batman's suit and has a run-in with Catwoman.in Celebrities & Fan Fiction
More Stories