Rexer

Paul nodded. "But he didn't used to be like this."

"There's probably always been some measure of it within him." She said mildly. "We find that there's a measure of it within anyone. Rituals, counting, that sort of thing. Problems occur when it starts to interfere with daily life. When people can't actually function anymore."

Poor Jake at work was what came to mind.

"The worst part is for a lot of OCD sufferers, is that stress makes it worse, but the OCD itself makes them stressed. Again, it's a cycle it's very difficult to break out of. So I'm glad you brought him in. He could have gone on the way he was for a long time. There are a huge proportion of people with OCD who never manage to hold down a job, and I think Jake was well on the way to becoming one of them."

It made Paul sick to think about it.

"I need to ask you something." Dr. Hoskins leant forward in her chair. "Now. Jake has a pretty strong social anxiety which is exacerbated by the OCD and maybe arises from it too. He thinks people think he's a freak, that they look at him funny, that they laugh at him behind his back..." Paul felt a cold shiver run down his back.

"He's been teased a little. But nothing really malicious."

"It doesn't matter." She shook her head.

Paul sat in silence a moment. Oh, Jake.

"At some point too, you told him people laughed at him."

The air left his lungs like he'd been hit. "Oh shit." He had, too. Paul rubbed his face. He'd made everything worse. He finally looked back up at Dr. Hoskins.

She was smiling at him.

"Maybe you'd like to tell him why you told him that." She suggested. He felt cold. How much did she know? She couldn't know everything, right?

"Right." He nodded carefully. "Of course."

*****

He pulled up outside Jake's unit, but Jake hesitated, looking at him. His hands clenched in his lap.

"Do you want to come in?" Jake asked him very quietly.

Paul felt a wave of something like pride. He bet it had taken Jake a lot to ask. And then he felt like a schmuck.

"I need to talk to you. I need to tell you something." Jake nodded. Paul sighed and looked at the steering wheel. Better to tell Jake here, where he wasn't in Jake's house if he upset him. Better here, where Jake could decided when to leave. "Ok. You know that day, when I told you that... I told you that you were pathetic and a laughingstock?" Jake met his gaze with a slight tremor. A determined, defiant look.

"Yes." He said. Paul doubted he'd ever forget.

"I should never have said those things. I freaked out and I ... I lashed out at you. I didn't mean what I said. I just panicked when I saw my name on your letter. But I should have asked you about it. I shouldn't have just..."

"What letter?"

Paul blinked. "You know- I brought your mail. It had got mixed in with ours."

"What letter? What are you talking about?" Jake seemed genuinely confused.

"The letter. It said your name, and then mine in brackets. I just got weirded out, that's all."

"No." Jake shook his head. "I've never had a letter addressed to both of us. Why would I have?"

"I know what I saw, alright?" Paul felt sick. Jake wasn't crazy, he was just... just Jake. So why was he denying this? "And if that's not enough- that morning I left." Jake looked away at last. "Don't ask me why, ok, but I... but I listened to your messages. And some guy called Joey had left a message wanting to know about Rex."

"So what? I don't get it," Jake looked lost.

"So you think my name coming up twice around you like that is what, some sort of coincidence?"

"But it wasn't your name, it was Rex. You're Paul."

"So why would you call me Rex?"

"I didn't! You're not, you're Paul!"

"Paul. M. Rexer." Paul said tightly.

Jake blinked at him and the moment stretched out. And then dawning comprehension lit Jake's soft eyes.

"Rex," he said, in a voice which suddenly shook. Paul waited to hear what he'd say. "Rex was my ex-boyfriend, you-" Jake burst out, then gave an odd choked noise and ducked out of the car before Paul could think to say another word.

"Shit." He said to himself. So what, the friends had been ringing up to find about the ex? Not him. And the letter... had been addressed to Jake and his ex. Not to him. Which meant that Jake hadn't done anything creepy like following him, like pretending they were seeing each other to people and then telling them they'd broken up. Which meant... he'd panicked. He'd been a huge fucking bastard. For no reason at all.

Paul hurried to get out of the car and follow him. Of course, hurrying never worked and he ended up being slower than he normally would have been once he'd untangled himself from the damn seatbelt and managed to get his key stuck in the ignition.

Jake had already gone.

*****

Jake hadn't answered his door, hadn't let him in. Paul was pretty sure he wasn't going to.

In the end he went home and hoped that Jake wasn't back to scrubbing floors. He couldn't stop the image though, couldn't stop thinking back to how frantic Jake had been that day, cleaning his bathroom. Unable to stop himself.

He picked up his phone.

Jake answered on the third ring.

"Hi, it's me." Paul said quietly.

"Oh."

"Are you ok? What are you doing?" He immediately wondered if that had been the smartest thing to say straight out. But he was worried.

"I'm fine." Jake did sound ok, too. Quiet, but ok. "I'm just... I'm not cleaning uncontrollably, if that's what you're asking." He sounded slightly bitter, and Paul kicked himself.

"I'm sorry." He said, as sincerely as he could. "I'm... I'm an idiot, you're right. Rex just isn't that common a name though, you know. I jumped to conclusions and I shouldn't have. I'm sorry, Jake. I'm... sorry." For the things he'd said, and the way he'd acted. For not having been there more.

There was silence down the line, and he remembered how quietly Jake had breathed while he was a sleep. Which led him to thinking about how peaceful Jake had looked sleeping. While led him to thinking about the other things they'd done in Jake's bed.

Paul closed his eyes.

Jake didn't speak.

Paul cleared his throat. "So, uh... pick you up, same time?"

Another short silence.

Paul wanted to pick Jake up in the morning, kiss his soft cheek, maybe build on that.

The knowledge that Jake hadn't done anything like what he'd thought, the idea that he'd overreacted entirely... it was a heavy weight in his stomach. Except at the same time, it freed him. It wasn't a problem that he liked Jake now. He didn't have to argue with himself about the wisdom in being attracted to someone who'd tried to trap him or someone a little stalkerish. He could just be attracted to Jake. And savour it.

"Uh, look," Jake began. "Paul. I really appreciate you coming and driving me around and checking on me. But... Dr. Hoskins and I have been talking about this for a while, and ... it's probably time that I started doing things for myself. You know."

The air felt like it had been sucked out of Paul's chest. He felt winded. "Right. Yeah. Of course." He tried to sound positive. This was a big step for Jake. This was moving in the right direction. And yet, he still felt hollow.

"I feel like I can do it, now. And I have to start. I can't rely on other people forever." Jake went on.

Paul closed his eyes. "No, you're right. I understand. Yeah."

"Cool." Jake had gone quiet again.

"Yeah. Ok. So, uh... so let me know, right? If you do need a lift anytime. Or if you need anything. Anything at all, right? And anytime. And just because you call doesn't mean you aren't independent or that you can't take care of yourself, you know? But I'll come. Anytime you need me."

Inside, Paul pondered the difference between 'want' and 'need'.

"Sure." Jake agreed. "Thanks, Paul."

"No worries." Paul answered, a thick knot forming in his throat. "You've got my number."

"Yeah."

"Ok. Right. Well, call me, ok?"

"I'll see you later, Paul," Jake said quietly, and then he was gone.

*****

"Paul," Hillary thanked him as he held the door open for her. The end of another long week and he was tired. She looked tired too.

"Good news, isn't it?" She added then.

"Getting the rights to the new Cresswick book?" He asked blankly.

She laughed. "No. Jake."

Paul blinked, his chest tightening a little at the mention of the name. He missed Jake. Not that he'd ever spent much time with him, apart from that one day. Apart from those hours accumulated over maybe two months driving him around. But he missed him.

"What...?" He sounded blank and felt silly.

Hillary just laughed and nudged him gently.

"Everyone will be pleased to have him back. Don't play shy with me, Paul. He told me."

"Right." Paul agreed. He knew he sounded surprised, confused. Jake was coming back to work? Hillary knew? Jake had told her? And not him?

He tried to ignore the sting.

"See you next week, Paul," Hillary waved, heading towards her car.

He watched her go.

*****

Paul was at work extra early on Monday.

Jake wasn't.

He suspected it meant Jake wasn't coming back to work as soon as he'd thought. After all, Hillary had said nothing about when this would occur. He'd just hoped, more than anything, that Jake would be in early, like he'd used to be, and that he'd be able to catch him, talk to him.

Other staff started to trickle in, so Paul got another coffee and settled down to get some good work done.

Nine on the dot, and there was a commotion, a burst of laughter and excited talking out of place for a Monday morning so early.

Paul got to his feet and went to look out of his office.

Down across the floor of cubicles he could see a small group of people, growing as staff appeared and began to congregate.

And there was Jake. Jake in the middle of it all, absolutely grinning, looking pleased as punch. Almost glowing and looking fit and healthy...

Better than Paul had ever seen him.

Paul wanted to go down, to push through the people around him shaking his hands and welcoming him back, and to take Jake into his arms.

Except that Jake hadn't called him for weeks. Hadn't answered his calls or responded to his messages. He hadn't even told him he was coming back to work.

Paul sighed and sat back down at his computer.

He wanted to see Jake badly. But he wasn't sure Jake wanted to see him.

*****

It was just before lunch that Paul went downstairs to make some photocopies and just happened to walk past Jake's cubicle.

Jake was there, working quietly.

Paul stepped in and their closeness made him ache.

"Welcome back." He said softly.

Jake looked around, and then offered him a cautiously friendly smile. "Thanks." He said simply. "It's nice to be back."

Paul gathered his courage. "You look really well." He said.

"Thanks." Jake answered, but his smile had fallen somewhat.

They watched each other for a moment, then Paul finally sucked in a breath and leant down.

Of course, he hadn't intended to kiss Jake. Not entirely. But he'd suddenly found himself overwhelmed with the need to touch him, to somehow show him how much he cared about him and liked him... and so he bent to kiss his cheek, with the idea of moving towards his mouth.

Jake ducked his head slightly. A coldness settled over Paul. He'd hoped, really hoped, that he hadn't entirely blown things. Maybe he had.

"Look," Jake said, looking awkward. "I'm sorry, I just... I'm not-"

"No, no." Paul shook his head, feeling foolish. He meant to tell Jake that it was ok, but he couldn't find the words.

He settled for clearing his throat. "Well. Glad to see you so well." His tone was heavy no matter how much he'd hoped it was light. Didn't matter. Not really.

Jake nodded, looking down at his hands.

Paul took his leave.

*****

Jake was like a new man. He seemed happier and more lively. He talked more with other staff, ate lunch with them; he laughed more.

It made Paul ache. It was like the little spark he'd seen inside Jake had suddenly filled him with light- and now everyone could see it. It felt like losing something. Like he'd been robbed of something. And he hated it.

So he avoided Jake. He didn't want to be pushed away again, and Jake had made it clear that he wasn't really interested in friendship, even if Paul had been there for him all those weeks. Even if Paul had kept calling to check on him even when Jake never answered. Never responded.

Melissa appeared in his office doorway, smiling.

"Paul, we're all going to go out for drinks after work. Join us?"

"Everyone?" he found himself asking. That seemed like too many people, surely.

She laughed. "Ok, whatever. Me and Kirsty and Jake and most of the floor crew. Like a welcome back thing."

Ugh. Paul almost couldn't believe how drastically things had changed.

"Ah, I can't tonight." He found himself answering, his lips moving without any thought.

"No worries, then. Maybe next time?" She invited, and then slipped away, leaving Paul to wrestle with something that felt a lot like jealously.

*****

"Hi." Jake said, slipping into the chair across from his.

Paul looked at him, found himself offering the smaller man a smile. "Hi." He said. Jake was being friendly to him. More, Jake had chosen to sit with him in the lunchroom.

"Busy week?" Jake asked, opening his lunch.

"Yeah, something like that." Paul agreed. "Just not managing my time well the last few days."

Jake's smile was amused. Paul doubted he had that problem.

"So I heard you were the one Cresswick wanted to work with?" An innocent enough question, Paul supposed as he nodded. He hoped it was, anyway.

"Yeah." He agreed. "He'll be in in a few days."

"What a coup." Jake said with a smile. "Hot shot author changes publishing house... and you get picked to be the one to work with him."

Paul shrugged and smiled. He was good at what he did. But he was still pleased, Jake was right.

"How about you?" he asked. "Anything exciting going on?"

Jake laughed. "Not really. You know."

"No?" Paul asked, half surprised, half hopeful. "I thought... I thought you might be interested in that promotion that's going."

"What, me?" Jake's voice had risen. "Oh no. No, I'm not applying."

"No? Why not? You're not interested?"

Jake blinked, looking a bit confused. Stunned. "Well. I'm not... I mean, I don't have the experience."

Paul shrugged. "You're qualified. People really respect the work you do."

Jake looked down at his lunch. "I don't know that excessive organisation is something they're looking for in a candidate." He finally said softly.

"No." Paul wasn't going to lie to him, but he wasn't going to let Jake keep thinking that was an issue, either. "But organisation in general, and time management skills, and details; they're all really important. You're better at all that than anyone else around here. And you work hard, Jake. Don't think no one ever noticed all the extra hours you pull."

Jake went pink. "All that time off though... I- I don't know."

Paul smiled and shrugged. "It was sick leave, Jake. I don't think anything more has been said about it. Officially? It's just sick leave."

Jake let out a short breath and shot Paul a half smile. "Maybe." he agreed. But he still looked wary.

"Definitely." Paul said more sincerely. "Jake, honestly. People ask you for your advice, they take their problems to you. They respect your work. I really think you could have a chance at it."

"I don't know." Jake shook his head and looked away, then smiled and gave a small shrug. Paul thought that was enough for now.

*****

Paul sat at the bar and tried to look at his drink and keep his eyes away from the smaller man on the other side of the room. Jake was tucked into a booth with a whole lot of people Paul hadn't thought he'd even known before. Jake was being friendly to him now, and he suspected he'd be able to go and join in and be welcome, but he just couldn't bring himself to move.

Some Christmas party this had turned out to be. Paul's heart wasn't in it.

"Want some company?" Hillary took the stool next to him.

He shrugged. He didn't really want to answer yes or no.

"I thought you and Jake were friends." She said after a moment.

"Yeah. I guess." Paul answered, unable to keep some of the bitterness from his tone. He'd gone so far out of his way for Jake, and to be pushed away and avoided had really hurt. This strange 'friendship' that had sprung up between them didn't salve the wound either. It just made him uneasy and regretful.

"Oh." Hillary sounded surprised. "Oh!" She looked at him with big eyes.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Paul growled, tearing his eyes away from Jake's smiling face.

"You and he..." Hillary said suggestively, gesturing. Paul sighed and shook his head.

"No." He didn't really want to go into it.

"Why not?" She demanded loudly. He winced. "Is he gay?" Paul nodded. "How do you know? And do not tell me you 'just know' or I'll hurt you."

He sighed and gave her a look. Raised his eyebrows briefly.

"You mean you- oh. Oh." Hillary was catching on. Paul shook his head and sighed. "Well," she tried. "What happened? That's it? Come on, Paul! Did you ask him out?" Paul didn't want to talk about it, but at the same time...

He hadn't ever asked Jake out.

He wondered if he should. He could ask him out, make one last effort. Give Jake one more opportunity to wound him and then accept defeat if Jake said no. When Jake said no.

But then... Jake had been friendly again recently.

The thing was that Jake had ignored his calls and had been so stand-offish when he'd got back to work. Paul just didn't know what to think.

One more try.

And then finally accept that Jake wasn't interested in him.

The evening dragged. How was he supposed to ask Jake out, to even speak to him, when he never seemed to be alone? Not even for a moment.

He was always talking to people, surrounded by his new friends. Paul couldn't help the bitter hurt he felt. It didn't go away, no matter how much he told himself that Jake deserved friends, that it was a good thing. The fact was that he'd been Jake's friend before anyone else, and yet he was the one here who wasn't spending any time at all with Jake.

Paul wondered if he shouldn't leave, if he shouldn't just go home. It seemed so pointless to keep hanging out here when he wasn't enjoying it at all.

He stood up from the bar and went to the men's room.

It wasn't empty. It never was at the moments when he'd have liked it to be.

He ignored the two other occupants and went about his business.

The door opened as one of them left, and a smaller figure moved through the door right after him.

Paul's heart sped up.

He'd never seen Jake in a bathroom before- which meant nothing, granted. But now he was here and Paul couldn't stop overanalysing. Because Jake had been shy before. But not just shy; he'd been shy and obsessive compulsive about cleaning. And bathrooms-

The other occupant left the room too, leaving Paul alone with Jake.

He turned, intending to walk straight out of there. The bathroom was not the place to confront Jake or to try and engage him in conversation. Even just being in there with him was... weird.

Jake was standing at the sinks though, his hands full of paper towel.

Paul couldn't help but look.

"Hey, what happened?" He found the words leaving his mouth without any thought.

Jake shot him an amused look in the spotted mirror. "My drink decided it wanted to make the intimate acquaintance of my shirt." He said dryly.

The stain Paul eyed wasn't a small one, either. It looked pretty much like a whole drink had found its way onto Jake.

"Ah well." Jake said with a grin, examining how wet the fabric of his shirt was. "Not my favourite shirt, anyway."