Saint Barnabas Started It

"Look Mark, I'm not sure what you want of me, but I was twenty six when we last saw each other and you were eighteen. I'm thirty eight now and how old are you, thirty...thirty one?"

"Thirty one, but what has that got to do with..."

"I've built a life, Mark. Roger didn't leave me very much so it been difficult, but I've managed and I don't want anything to step in now and mess it up and you don't need anything to mess up your life. You're a specialist at thirty one, that's wonderful, but you must be still at the beginning of your career. I told you years ago never to see me again and I repeated that yesterday; so say what you want and be done with it."

He stayed silent for a long time, looking at her. When he spoke it was quietly and earnestly. Over the years he had often imagined what it would be like if they ever met, what was happening did not fit the pictures he had built in his mind. Jenny seemed cold and confronting and he was struggling to cope with this.

He made an effort to express his feelings. "Now I've met you again, Jenny, I'd like us to see each other, get to know each other again. I know the years have brought about changes in both of us but whether you believe it or not, I've never stopped thinking of you. If you think that sounds ridiculous, then so be it, that is how it is. I don't want to mess anything up for you, just to get to know you again, and you me."

"You're stopping in the hotel Mark, I've looked up your home address in the register, it's a long way from here and you'll be gone when...tomorrow...the day after? How will we see each other, how get to know each other?"

"I can stay another few days; then I could come back here whenever I can."

"And do what Mark, neglect your work, forget your patients?"

"For God's sake Jenny, give me a chance. You don't hate me, do you, you don't dislike me?"

"No Mark, I don't hate or dislike you," she laughed briefly, "and quite frankly, knowing what I do about the fees charged by medical specialists, and if I was on the make, I'd probably be trying to get my hooks into you right now, but I'm not on the make. I've told you it would be better for you if you walked away from me right now."

"Unless you tell me straight out to get out of your life and stay out, I will not stay away from you. Are you going to tell me that?"

"Mark, I was torn apart when you left on that last day at school. You've briefly walked across my path again and I'm not going to pretend it will be easy to part from you again, but you must know everything about me. I have to go now; if you come with me you'll know the truth."

"What truth; why not just tell me."

"Are you coming Mark?"

She rose and said, "We can use my car; I'll bring you back to the hotel after you've seen for yourself."

"For God's sake, why all the mystery, see what...why can't you...?"

Jenny was moving away from him and he hastened after her.

They drove away from the city centre into the suburbs and stopped at a school. They were just in time as the children were starting to come out. A girl who looked about nine or ten approached the car. She went to get into the front seat but Mark was sitting there.

"Darling, this is Mr. Philips, he's a friend of mummy's from a long time ago. Mark, this is my daughter, Felicity."

The blood seemed to have drained from Mark's face. His first glance at Felicity had already told him the truth that Jenny had spoken of. The complexion; the dark hair; even her eyes and face..."

Felicity saying, "Hello Mr. Philips," shut the front car door and then got into the back seat.

"Hello Felicity," Mark said in a strangled voice.

He felt sick and there was an incipient head ache threatening. His emotions were a tangle; somewhere between anger and guilt.

"Are you coming to our place?" Felicity asked, hanging over the back seat.

"Well Mark," asked Jenny, "are you coming back to our place or shall I drive you to the hotel?"

He turned and looked at Jenny; she was staring straight ahead with a strange and strained smile on her face.

"I'll come back to your place if that's all right," he muttered.

"Put your seat belt on, darling, Jenny called back to Felicity," and drove off.

After about ten minutes they entered a tree lined street in one of the older suburbs, and Jenny swung the car into the drive of a small cottage. They got out and Jenny opened the front door.

They walked down a short passage and into what was obviously the living room.

"Sit down Mark, you don't look too well," Jenny said; then turning to Felicity she said,

"Darling, you didn't clear up your room this morning, so you can do it now, and when you've finished you can take your shower; Mr. Philips and I have got to have a little talk."

Felicity had been looking curiously at Mark, and clearly was about to start asking questions, but Jenny forestalled her saying, "You can talk to Mr. Philips later, darling, and I'm sure he'll want to talk to you." Felicity rather grudgingly left them."

In what passed for an explosive whisper Mark burst out, "How could you...how could you...all these years...not a word...?"

"Would you have wanted to know, Mark? What would you have done if you'd known? Would you have come running? Tell me what would you have done?"

"Mr. Brandon did he...?"

"No he died before it became obvious."

"I would have done something Jenny, for God's sake I loved you, and do you think I'd have..."

"No Mark, it was my responsibility. I offered myself to you and I wasn't going to come begging for charity; I managed, it was a struggle but I managed."

"You didn't have to manage, I would have..."

"You would have what, told your parents that you'd got the housemaster's wife pregnant and got them to make me an offer? No Mark, I gave you that farewell gift because I loved you and I wasn't going to blight your life when you were right on the threshold of it. It was a gift I gave and you don't ask payment for a gift."

Jenny was very close to tears but she went on, "Beside, you gave me a greater gift than I gave you. Can't you see how lovely she is? If you want the truth you can have it. All the years with Felicity have meant I had something of you still with me."

It was all too much for Mark; he was not a man given to tears, but now he was unashamedly crying.

"I didn't know...I didn't know, and I've missed all those years of her growing up; and you trying to manage on your own; God I feel so ashamed."

"No need to feel ashamed, Mark, it was my choice not to let you know but now you do know you can decide whether you want to do anything about her or not. I'm not putting any pressure on you; I can drive you back to the hotel and you need never see anything of either us again. You needn't have met her, but since you were so persistent about getting to know me again, I thought it better you knew the truth."

"We've got to get married Jenny, then I can..."

"Oh no we don't, Mark. What do you think I'm going to do when Felicity walks back in here, say, "Darling, mummy and Mr. Philips are going to get married? How do you think she'd react to that? I've kept men right out of my life for Felicity's sake. There wasn't going to be any uncles or even step-fathers, I wouldn't take that risk; but you're her real father and that makes a difference."

"Well what can I do...what do you want me to do?"

"It depends on how you really feel about me and whether you want to get to know Felicity and let her get to know you. Even if you do want to get to know her there's going to be no rush and no hard and fast decisions in advance."

"One other thing Mark. If you do decide to enter Felicity's life and if she does get attached to you, just think about what it would do to her if you changed your mind. If you've got the slightest doubt, then let me drive you back to the hotel now. We've had a life as stable as I could make it, we don't need any upheavals now."

"I'd like to stay, Jenny; I really would like to get to know Felicity and you again. I promise I'll do my level best not to disrupt your lives; she's a daughter I didn't know I had; I have no other children, let me be part of the one I've got."

"All right Mark, but I must warn you, she's shrewd; I think she's inherited your brains and she'll probably work things out eventually. When she does there's going to be an awful lot of explaining to do. You must understand that a man in her life, a man visiting us here, will be something entirely new for her."

"Do you mean there hasn't been a single man since we...?"

"No there hasn't been, Mark, and that's not because I wouldn't have liked one, but I've seen enough of 'Uncles' and 'Stepfathers' not to take any risk for Felicity's sake; do you understand?"

"Yes, of course I do. If we're going it do this thing we'll do it the right way."

"Another thing for you to think about Mark; I'm older than you and..."

"You've always been older than me and it hasn't stopped me loving you."

"Felicity will be in here in a minute so we'd better stop now, so wipe your eyes and blow your nose, we don't want her to think you've been crying. I'll get some food ready."

At that moment Felicity walked in and Jenny said, "Just going to get dinner ready darling, you talk to Mr. Philips."

Felicity stood looking at Mark for a few moments, and then asked, "How long ago did you know mummy I don't think she's ever mentioned your name?"

"Oh, about eight or nine years ago."

"Where was it?"

"At a school."

"Are you a teacher?"

"No, I'm what's called a vascular surgeon."

"You cut people up?"

He laughed and said, "I try not to if I can make them better without cutting them up."

"If you're surgeon you must be a doctor."

"That's right."

"Mummy says my daddy is a doctor."

Mark did not respond to that statement.

"I've never seen my daddy."

"Haven't you?"

"No, I've asked mummy why he doesn't live with us but she never really tells me." She paused for a moment, and then asked, "Did you ever know my daddy?"

"Er...yes...I...er think so."

"Was it at the school where you knew mummy?"

"Yes."

"What was he like, did he look like me?"

"Yes, very like you."

"That's what mummy says. Was he nice?"

"I don't know, I don't think I knew him very well."

Felicity seemed to lose interest in the subject and asked, "Are you staying to eat dinner with us?"

"I believe so."

"It's funny, but you'll be the only man who has ever had dinner with us."

"Will I?"

"Yes; I don't think mummy likes men."

"Oh?"

Felicity thought for a moment; "She must have liked daddy and I suppose she must like you if she's asked you to stay for dinner."

"Well, perhaps she likes me a little bit."

"Do you like mummy?"

"Yes, as you're mother told you we're old friends."

"Then why haven't you had dinner with us before?"

"Ah, well, you see, I live a long way from here and I'm stopping in the hotel where you're mother works; that's where we met."

"Are you glad you met mummy again?"

"Yes, of course."

Jenny put her head round the door and said, "It's ready, only a cold meal I'm afraid, I put it together in a hurry."

"Jenny to the rescue," thought Mark," "I don't think I could have coped with much more of that."

It wasn't a very good rescue because Felicity began again while they ate.

"Mummy, Mr. Philips said he knew daddy."

"Did he?"

"Yes, he said I look very like him."

"I've always told you that."

"Yes, and you told me daddy is a doctor; Mr. Philips is a doctor, isn't that funny?"

"Well, I never actually told you your daddy was a doctor; I said I thought he became a doctor."

"I wonder if he did, do you know if he became a doctor." She turned to Mark and asked, "Do you know if he became a doctor."

"I...er...yes...I think he did."

A pink faced Jenny said, "Felicity, stop talking and eat your food."

A silence ensued with Mark and Jenny exchanging agonised glances. The silence didn't last for long.

"Do you play chess Mr. Philips?"

The question took Mark by surprise, "Chess?" he queried.

"Yes, do you play?"

Jenny laughed and said, careful how you answer Mark, she's a demon chess player.

Mark, somewhat relieved by the change in the direction of the conversation said, "Yes, I play occasionally."

"Would you play with me after dinner?"

Jenny intervened, "Darling, Mr. Philips may not want to play."

"No, that's all right, Jenny, I'll play a game." He glanced at Jenny who gave a brief nod.

"Your name is Mark," said Felicity, not as a question but a statement.

"Yes."

"That's a nice name."

Jenny intervened saying, "If you've finished eating Felicity you can go and get the chess set out while Mr. Philips and I clear up."

*

Chapter 6. Chess and a Day Out

Felicity disappeared in the direction of the living room and Mark and Jenny breathed sighs of relief.

"My God, I don't know the plans she might have for her future, but she'd make a good police interrogator or barrister; she had me cornered a few times."

"I did try to warn you Mark; actually she says she wants to be a doctor, would you believe."

"It must run in the family."

"I think it's her way of identifying with her unknown father."

"Why did you tell her I was a doctor, you couldn't have known?"

"Well, you always said that was what you wanted to do and she began to ask questions when she got to about five or six, I had to tell her something."

They set about clearing up and Felicity came back to announce that she'd set up the board.

"You go and play, Mark, I'll finish up here."

He followed Felicity into the lounge and ended up playing with the white pieces.

The game lasted less than an hour and Mark lost.

"Will you play another game?" asked Felicity.

"No darling, we've got to take Mr. Philips back to the hotel and then it will be time for bed."

"Can we play another time?"

"I don't know it depends on your mummy."

"Can Mr. Philips play with me again, mummy?"

"I'll have to talk about it with him, dear."

"Can't we talk about it now?"

"No darling, I promise I'll talk about it with Mr. Philips tomorrow." She turned to Mark and said, "I have a half an hour lunch break starting at twelve thirty, Mark, if you available."

"I've got to see my patient in the morning, but twelve thirty will be okay."

On the drive to the hotel Felicity continued her pressure for Mark to return for another game, and it took some rather skilful verbal footwork to avoid giving a definite answer, especially when she said, "Adults are funny, they make such a fuss about things when they only have to say 'yes' or 'no'."

Mark and Jenny saw that an extended philosophical debate might arise out of that statement, so wisely said nothing.

Felicity's last words to Mark as they left him at the hotel were, "You will come and play again, won't you?"

"We'll see," he called back, as he escaped into the hotel foyer.

Neither Mark nor Jenny slept well that night, but Felicity slumbered peacefully, dreaming of games of chess in which she always won, except when she let Mr. Philips win.

Mark met Jenny in the hotel foyer at twelve thirty and they went to a nearby café for a light lunch.

"Well?" asked Jenny, somewhat disconcertingly.

"Well what?"

"What do you think?"

"Of Felicity?"

"Of course, don't be so evasive Mark."

"She seems very intelligent."

"Yes, is that all?"

"She's a lovely looking child."

"Yes, but the point is do you want to see more of her?"

"Of course I do."

"There's no 'of course' about it Mark. Would you like to have dinner with us again tonight?

"If you want me to."

"For God's sake, don't be so obtuse, Mark, I've just invited you haven't I?

"It's just that I don't want to foist myself on you."

"You're not foisting yourself on us, Mark. Why don't you follow Felicity's suggestion and just say 'yes' or 'no', or are you having second thoughts?

"My point is Jenny, you're really asking me to come and be with Felicity again, do you want me to be with you?"

"For a man of your intelligence you're rather insecure, aren't you?"

"Where you're concerned , yes, I am. You know very well I could get very fond of Felicity, but what would be the use if in the end you decide you don't want me around; I'd be like those wretched father's you see at weekends with the children they've got for the day and don't know what to do with them. There are only so many times you can go to the zoo."

"And Felicity might get very fond of you if you're around enough. It's a chance we all have to take. Are you coming tonight or not?

"Yes."

"Thank God for that. Do you want me to drive you again?"

"Yes, thank you."

"Mark, you're being excessively polite."

"Well, you were excessively polite with me when we first met the other day."

"I must get back to work."

Mark spent an unsettling afternoon. He was trying to understand Jenny's behaviour towards him. It seemed to vary between a cool politeness and gentle warmth. His own behaviour also puzzled him. It appeared to follow hers, also ranging between an ardent desire to express the love he had kept in heart for her all those years, and a slight remoteness.

He remembered that last time he saw her at school and their brief sexual encounter. There had been a few women since then, naked women with whom he had been able to have long sessions of foreplay, but oddly those few moments still fully clothed with Jenny stood out as the supreme sexual encounter.

He remembered the wonder of entering a woman for the first time, experiencing the soft, moist warmth of her vagina, and the relaxation of sexual tension after he had ejaculated into her. Nothing had surpassed that for all that it might be considered a less than adequate way of being with a woman for the first time.

It had been that moment with Jenny that had haunted his thoughts and dreams ever since. "Was it always the case with the first ever coupling with a woman?" he wondered, "Or was it something else, some dimension that had not been present with the others."

"Perhaps if he could have Jenny properly; kiss her; enjoy her breasts and experience her female fragrance and the taste of her lubricant, as he had with other women, it would all become as commonplace as it had with those others and Jenny would become no more than a vagina to empty him self into.

Yet in that brief encounter his seed had fertilised her and this strangely interrogative and beautiful child had resulted. He had been complimented many times on his looks but had never seen himself as especially good looking, but from the first moment of meeting Felicity he had seen what his particular colouring could bring forth.

She was a lovely child but he wondered if he wanted to take a chance on loving her. That sort of love was not like the infatuation that we call, "Being in love;" the infatuation that could die with the first dawn awakening to find the sexual partner of the night before lying beside you and no longer desirable.

To love Felicity was a decision not to be based on some momentary emotion. Such a love would carry with it the responsibility for the beloved one, a responsibility that would last a lifetime, or at least until Felicity was of an age to bear the responsibility for her own life, and even then love would not cease.

As he had realised, Jenny and Felicity came, to put it in commercial terms, as a package deal. Jenny's somewhat ambiguous statements about any future he might have with her made him wonder if he might end up with the pain of another loss in the end.

For a moment his sense of humour took over, "If I were to become a proper father to Felicity it would mean getting endlessly beaten at chess, the way she plays."

He could stretch his stay to another couple of days, but after that he had to return to his practice far away. A few more hours with Jenny and Felicity, and what then? He hoped that some supreme power had meant him to meet Jenny again and learn he had a daughter. If that was so that power must also surely see to it that they could find ways to be together.