Sandi's Mistake

"You mentioned divorce papers. Is there any way we can avoid that? I love you Rob and you know I do. I screwed up. I screwed up big time and I know it, but I love you Rob and I don't want to lose you."

I didn't answer her question. I just stared at her for several seconds and then I asked:

"Why Sandi? Why did you do it?

"I didn't mean to do it; it just happened. You were working late all the time and since I knew you wouldn't be home anyway I started stopping after work for drinks with the people I worked with. After a couple of weeks I had loosened up enough to where I was moaning about how your late hours were ruining my sex life. Jason started telling me that it wasn't normal for a guy your age to cut back on sex even if you were working late and coming home tired. He kept hinting that you were probably getting your sex from some one else, that you had a girlfriend on the side. Some of the other girls there were telling me the same thing.

"When I had enough liquor in me it wasn't hard for them to convince me that there could be some truth to what they were saying so I called you at work a couple of times and got no answer. When I put that together with your always telling me no when I tried to get you to make love to me I started believing what they were telling me.

"One night I had a few too many and I wasn't thinking clearly and the next thing I knew Jason had me on the back seat of his car. I knew it was wrong and I made a half-hearted attempt to stop him, but I had been without sex for so long that I didn't fight all that hard and finally I gave in."

She looked at me like she was expecting me to say something, but I just sat there looking at her. I don't know what she saw on my face, but she looked away and then went on with it.

"After that first time it got easier and easier. I kept telling myself that you were cheating so I could too. One night some friends of ours saw me getting out of Jason's car straightening my clothes and Angie asked me what in the hell was I doing. I told her that you were running around on me and that I was just getting even. She laughed at me and told me to get real; that you would no more cheat on me than you would rob a bank. I decided that I had to prove it to myself so I drove over and parked down the street from your office and watched you. I did it for two weeks and every night you worked late and when you did turn the lights out you went straight home. That's when I realized that I had fucked up big time. Excuse me Reverend."

"That's all right my child, I've heard the word before."

"I tried to end it with Jason, but I couldn't. I don't know how to explain it. Jason wasn't that good of a lover, but the illicit nature of what we were doing was a major turn on. I guess you could say I was a "cheating sex" junkie. You were still working late and I still wanted sex so I told myself I would keep seeing Jason until you stopped working late."

"Sandi, I haven't worked late for six months now."

"I know Rob, and I've tried to stop seeing Jason, but even though you and I were back to normal in the bedroom the excitement of cheating kept me seeing Jason. I rationalized it by saying that you would never find out and I was giving you all the love and attention you could handle so as long as I was taking care of you it wouldn't matter. I love you Rob; honest to God I do love you. It was only sex with Jason. Please Rob, we can work it out. You know I love you."

She looked at me expectantly, but what she was hoping for wasn't going to happen; no way, I just wasn't wired that way.

"Sorry Sandi" I said, "But you should have known me well enough to know how I would take your cheating on me. Your argument that it was just sex with Jason and not love cuts no ice with me. You betrayed me. You betrayed my love for you and you kicked what we had into the gutter just so you could get laid when I couldn't do it.

"Did you ever stop to think that I like sex as much as you, but I was doing without while I worked for our future? No you didn't! You didn't even give me a thought as you hurried to fall into bed with Jason. You are used goods now Sandi. You are unclean as far as I'm concerned and I could never bring myself to touch you again. You said that you rationalized it by thinking that I would never know, but I do know now Sandi and the thought that you could do that to me - to us - disgusts me. No Sandi, there is no forgive and forget in me. You and I are over and done. It was over when I saw you pull into the parking lot at the Super 8."

"How did you find out about that? I was so careful."

I told her about the e-mail that led to my being at the motel and I saw her lips tighten and something change in her eyes.

"No chance Rob? No chance at all for us?"

"None."

I saw a tear run down her cheek and then she stood up and left without another word.

++++++++++++++++++++++

There was no divorce. Sandi and I are still man and wife and I see no reason to pay an attorney and all the other costs of a divorce when it doesn't really matter. If I meet someone and like her enough to get serious maybe then I'll go for a divorce.

Sandi won't be going for a divorce either, at least not for about fifteen or twenty years. The night she got up and left our kitchen she went to find Jason. He was in the bar where they had always stopped for drinks after work. Witnesses say that she walked up to him, called him a rotten bastard and then said:

"You just couldn't let it be could you? You just had to ruin my marriage and cost me the man I love. Well fuck you asshole" and she pulled a gun out of her purse and shot him. She put all six shots from the revolver into his chest - the last two when he was already lying dead on the floor - and then she spit on him and walked over and sat down in a booth and waited for the police.

The story that came out was that she and Jason had gotten careless and Sandi had gotten pregnant. She told Jason she was going to have an abortion and then she wasn't going to see him any more. He tried to talk her out of it. He wanted the baby and he wanted her to have the baby and marry him. She told him that she didn't love him and never would; that she loved me and would never leave me. Jason sent me the e-mail expecting me to throw Sandi out and then they could be together. When I told Sandi about the e-mail she knew instantly who "infospreader" was and she went looking for him.

Even though I wouldn't take her back I did get her a very good defense attorney and when it was over she ended up sentenced to twenty years for something that she should have gotten her the death penalty. I'm told she could actually be out in ten to twelve years if she keeps her nose clean in prison.

She had the baby in prison and gave it up for adoption. She sends me a letter a month asking me to come visit her on visiting days. I have never gone and I don't ever intend to. What would be the point?