Score Checkers AnonymousbyRumple Foreskin©
Just before he climbed into his bi-plane and flew away, the great DreamPilot and I knocked out the following piece of pitiful prose in recognition of the mental anguish many otherwise semi-sane writers experience during the last few days of a Literotica contest.
SCORE CHECKERS ANONYMOUS: affecting the afflicted
A shadow of despair, despondency, depression, and a whole bunch of other "de" things has (what else?) descended over many Literotica Valentine Day Contest entrants. No, it's not the curse of troll one-bombs, but their growing addiction to checking and rechecking the contest scores.
Score Checkers Anonymous, a fine, non-profit, tax-exempt WD-40 foundation is now available to help those who have fallen under the spell of this affliction.
Here is a FAQ for those who feel you may need to explore the services offered by this charitable organization, either for themselves or some other writer sinking into the pit of (what else?) dependency.
Q: What should writers do when colleagues confront them with the grim reality that they've become a contest score checking addict?
A: Turn to Score Checkers Anonymous. Often, the addict's initial response is, "Who, me, a score checking addict? I mean, just cuz twice a day I check the leaders.... and I can't stop myself... does that make me an addict?" Then after reflections that can run the gamut from sober to shit-faced drunk, most SC addicts face the reality of their condition.
Q: So, like where does Score Checkers Anonymous meet?"
A: There are nightly meetings of Score Checkers Anonymous in the basement of the First Church of the Burning Bush and Discount House of Lickers. These begin at 7:00 pm or whenever two or more members come dragging in the door.
Q: So we all get together and check scores?
A: Oh, you poor pathetic prose pusher. No way. You sit in uncomfortable folding chairs and listen to other people admit what low-life, score checking, losers they are and how many days, hours, minutes its been since they last checked on a contest score. Sooner or later, usually later, it'll be your turn to stand up and tell everyone else what a low-life, score checking, loser you are.
Q: Let me guess, I'll have to stand up and admit to being a score checking looser as the first step, right?
A: Not necessarily. This chapter is very progressive. Getting a new member off their sorry ass and standing is considered step one. Their confession, make that admission, to being a compulsive score-checker is the second step. The loser part is sort of a natural progression.
Q. Is anything else expected of me?
A: Only that you turn over 50% of your worldly wealth or $500, whichever is greater, to the Score Checker Anonymous Foundation Discretionary Fund.
Q: And after all that, I'll be cured of my score checking addiction?
A: Of course. At least until the next contest begins. Please try to understand that a permanent cure would put a big hurt on the SCA Foundation Discretionary Fund which, in turn, would cramp the style of those of us on the board of directors who administer the funds.
Q: So, like, how can a Literotica writer with no real life or friends know if they need help?
A: In the interest of helping those who think they might have a problem with addiction to score checking, we offer the following test to determine if you should become a member of Score Checkers Anonymous (that is after you pay your dues which are, as I may have already mentioned, all your worldly wealth or $500 whichever is higher.
This simple two question test should determine if you need to join.
1. After posting a story, how often do you check your scores?
A. I forget about it and might remember to check once a day.
B. I begin checking as soon as I have submitted and then once a day after the story posts.
C. I check religiously every hour or two.
D. I put the submissions page in a second window and press the refresh button every five minutes to check on voting.
2. I check the scores of other stories:
A. Never, I'm simply not interested.
B. I keep checking the support thread for any mention of leaders.
C. If I hear of a particularly good story I might try and check the top list.
D. I have to check the top list at least daily to determine where the leaders stand.
For each A answer give yourself 0 points
For each B answer give yourself 5 points
For each C answer give yourself 10 points
For each D answer give yourself 100 points.
If your score is:
0-5 You have no need to join Score Checkers Anonymous. In fact, we wonder if you aren't watching the flowers grow from the root side up.
10-99 You should consider membership immediately.
100-199 You definitely belong in the club. Do not pass go, just stop to collect all your worldly goods or $500, whichever is more, and report directly to the basement of the First Church of the Burning Bush and Discount House of Lickers for help
200 (or more) Proceed as directed above, turn over your dues, and then wait for transportation to a facility filled with friendly folks who can perform the electric shock and partial lobotomies so often recommended for those with your acute condition.
We look forward to helping you, once all dues have been collected and stashed away in the church vaults.
The Right Rev. Rumple Foreskin