Seasons

Growing up as much as any bit of life in this world, I found roots to call my own and drew sustenance. I began to find a taste for certain things, certain joys and ran after them with a zealous glee. I remember the wind flowing through my hair as I started to learn what it meant to truly chase after a goal, a dream.

Laughter came first, then the crash of bodies and the smell of grass all over my clothes. The sun always seemed to rise and shower me with its' warmth as I toss and turned under its' radiance. What more could a young child as I, could want for more? Yet more, did I learn to seek and again, did so joyously.

I was but a nurtured bud, eagerly reaching for the skies, reaching for life. I grew in fits and starts that often left me awkward, but never sheepish. I could never fathom what it meant to give up, or be denied the sense of right that a firm embrace would bring.

Now I don't remember the first time I smiled, but I remember the first time I smiled at him and again, it was with the sun shining overhead. Forever after, would I dream of blue skies and the kissing warmth of that mid-summer breeze. I close my eyes and still, I can remember what it felt to be cradled by such arms.

Nature pushed me onwards and I grew tall, taller still and lean. My frame blossomed from the bud it had been and the shape I was to be, slowly formed. My hair was often a mess and my grin, just as unabashedly splayed over one cheek to the other. I grew to dance and weave in the breeze, testing the strength I was recently discovering.

I can remember reaching out to him, holding him so very tightly to me and feeling him whisper into my ear, that there could be a no better time for us to be together. I could barely contain my joy at the agreement from the bottom most depths of my soul, that it bubbled out into a chorus of giggles. Still I sang our joys, clutching to him ever so tightly, ever so lovingly.

Near completely firm in my growth, I am at last able to fully stand on my own and yet, it is not without holding his hand that I face the first of my trials. My father is a thunderous voice of disapproval and his anger shakes me to my core. My knees shake and my body threatens to collapse, to fall apart under the relentless assault of his words.. Tears slowly come to eye, then steadily run down to kiss my chin, but still I clutch his hand.

Looking aside, I'm desperate in seeking out comfort to my mother, but she can't bear to face me. She looks forlorn out the window, already damning as lost and beyond her acknowledgement. I think this is the first time I truly broke and the first time he ever put me back together. There was the sun leaking through the laced curtains then, accenting his smile and showing me what hope there still was in this world..

I learnt to hold his hand firmly whenever possible, walking and growing alongside him throughout life. I followed his lead and happily supported him in all the things that would break that grin out onto the corner of his mouth, or the spark of joy to his eyes. I'm sure I lost myself in them each time he did it and always, would I seek more to give up, to offer him. Always did he accept graciously, showing the greatest concern for my gifts and of me.

Others could never be so trusted to be so kind and it was through them, that I learned what more I would have to go through. Physical pain was so much easier to deal with than the stabbings my soul would suffer, but whenever he could, he was there to balm my wounds. There were times when I felt broken and little by little, he taught me to pick myself up and to crawl if need be, in order to just keep moving, keep living. The sun may have defined how I lived, but it was him that defined how I truly would grow. My blood stained his clothes and hands a few times, from the mess I left on them, but never did it taint the way he would continue to smile privately to me.

There were a few times, that I would forget how to smile, how to live and he always seemed to find a way to let me remember. Simple joys at first: when I was a child running through the tall grass chasing butterflies, when I was blowing bubbles and watching them bob through the air, when I laughed just to laugh with others. He let me remember, what it meant to laugh and play with him and to my credit, I was shamed to have let myself go so far astray beforehand. He told me that there was no shame in losing one's way, that by merely trusting in one's self you'd find yourself on the right track again.

So I emerged from the dark, chasing after him through the forest of this world. We ran together, sometimes racing, but more often just enjoying the feel of the wind running through our hair as we would often do to each other. The warmth of the days kissed our bodies, as our lips were prone to do. Nature caressed us all around, but we couldn't for the love of us, notice from how fiercely we held onto each other.

His eyes, would be all that I'd see on the dark nights alone. I'd dream of them breaking through the gloom, of rushing madly to them and of leaping faithfully onwards. I would break out into the dark of the night, only to settle after hearing his steady breathing. It was then, that the first signs of a wracking became visible.

A hand clutched his chest, trying to claw out the pain that his coughs would sound. It was horrible, but there was nothing I could do but fret, worry and uselessly fiddle at the corner of his shirt. Had he the voice to name an act to relieve him, I would have dashed to it, and if only it could have been ended so soon.

Night became day, over and again, but still his smile would lose time on his eyes to make way for the tired haze that the pains would leave in him. My hand clutched his so tightly and desperately sought to his every need. Doctors came and went, healers of all names, races and creeds. All came hesitantly and all left in disappointment. I would feel worried and frayed at all ends, like I had been gnawed on the entirety of such visits. No sooner did I return to his side, that he would pat my shoulder and smile. He would tell me to keep faith; "Every seed you plant grows something, my love. Make me something of your love and I'm sure, hope will spring from it."

He could say such sweet things in between the coughs and as much as I wanted to ease him, still the wind grew colder around us. The dying of the season, ran its' claws over us while raking him far more menacingly. Snow fell at first white and fluffy, to which he dropped something of his own, red and wet. Fluttering slowly, dripping heavily. I can't seem to remember what came first, but now it was his blood staining my clothes, my hands. They shook so hard too, dabbling at his lips. I prayed to everything and anything, to just make him grow better, stronger.

My words would fall on deaf ears, but he would only choose to hear of kindler things, of gentler words. As my heart twisted and wrung dry, I poured it all into him and watched him still grow weaker at being showered under my essence, under my care. Oh, how I clung to him and felt the stirrings of a cold snap settle in. His smiles grew less and less, his pallor lighter and lighter, yet I was there to bundle what warmth I could onto him. He was not left wanting for anything, but of more days to spend.

As the dead of winter approached, I was by his bedside when he spoke to me out of the most weariest of earnestness. "Don't let my love with me. Don't let the seed I've planted with you, wither and die. Smile again and remember the days when we ran together. Grow for me, my love. Keep growing and live for me. When you're strong enough, share it with another as I have you."

I broke again, when his hand no longer clutched at mine, when his eyes would no longer smiled. I would always remember his words, but couldn't believe how I could ever do them justice. His eyes would haunt me through my dreams and when I would startle back into the depth of night, I would mourn for the lost I would suffer all over again. Oh how the wind howled and battered all around me. I wished it would claim me too, but still I remained where I had been. Where I now was without him.

When the earth reclaimed him, I was there to water his resting place with my tears, for I found I had a limitless supply of them for him. There were few others there to join me and fewer still who could bear to be near me, when I so ached in raw misery. I felt truly torn from my precious garden, truly plucked out of my life.

I was lost for a good many days. Too many for me to count, that all seemed to blur that I was once suddenly surprised by the grey I was beginning to sprout. By now, my pain was still acute, but I lived with it more comfortably, as much as I lived with his memory. I've tried to do my best to spread his teaching and found to have a green-thumb. I grow all sorts of things now, but mostly hope and understanding.

My fingers furrow the warm soil and I remember how it felt to have his hair run through them. I water the seeds and remember how sometimes, I would weep over his shoulder. I would carefully tend, each and every one of my newfound children as I recalled how he would pat and sooth my worries through his gentle touch. Other people join me for awhile, here and there and I tell them of our smiles. I tell them of the sun glowing over your shoulder. I tell them of how simple our love was. Not too many understand, but I plant as many seeds as I can.

I've grown so much for you and so much because of you. I could not keep you living by my side, but I would hope that all I have grown in your name, will live on to smile for us. My dreams are no longer haunted by you, but in my weathered mind, are more of a softer remembrance of the yesteryear.

I feel the wind growing chill all around me, but as you had just me, now it seems I've more than a few well-wishers how fret so earnestly on my behalf. I tell them all the things you had told me with the few words left to me. I don't hurry, but calmly tell them to keep growing, keep planting, keep life alive amongst themselves, for each other.

Ah, if only you could see their faces, you would have been so proud of me, my love. If only I had more time, to love more for you, I would have. As it is, I think I've a mind to join you at long last, for I hunger to know your arms once more. To feel your smile wrap me up whole and cocoon me again as it had before.

Man to man, my beloved, you were my whole life for even when life left you, I never could...