Second Chance For A First Time...

Michael wasn't surprised to find the block packed full of cars when he turned up Warren Avenue. The sun had begun to fade behind copper and yellow leaves of maple and cottonwood trees, and he could spy shadows in the living room window as lamp lights began to come on up and down the block like Christmas lights.

Pulling the jeep up to the curb , he got out and slammed the door following the sounds of soft country music , up a set of cement stairs were mustard seed and ivy spilled over from rock beds. Laughter died to a faint murmur as he approached the front door, waiting a moment before he knocked, contemplating turning around, getting in his Jeep and driving away. As he closed his eyes and thought of the people on the other side , a few he would know well and most he hardly new at all , he realized one of those people cared about him with all of his heart and even though Michael despised what was about to conspire he had to do it for that one person. Finally turning his key in the lock he made quite a show of the simple affair of entering his house, a light flickered on in the living room and at least twenty people yelled surprise, Michael smiled back and played along as a tall broad shouldered man with soft brown hair and eyes to match, came to him and kissed him across the mouth.

"Are you surprised?"

Michael laughed.

"Of course I had absolutely no idea."

"You're horrible you know that."

"I know thank you though."

Michael kissed him back and squeezed past a few people and more than enough congratulations.

"So how does it feel mister big lawyer man?"

Michael nearly jumped out of his skin as he crossed through the kitchen and into the hall that led to his bedroom , belt in one hand he was halfway out of his slacks as he pushed the door open. Terry smiled at him from her seat on the bed.

"Sorry cell was dead Richard said I could use the land line it was more quite in here ..."

Michael shut the door behind him.

"That's fine you just scared the crap out of me ...."

Terry chuckled.

"So a night away from the boys....glad to know I'm good for something?"

Michael smiled and chucked his shirt into a nearby hamper he turned to Terry, she crossed her legs and leaned back on the bed.

"Well go ahead I'm enjoying the show..."

He tossed his belt at her and came over to the bed he sat down and flopped back onto the mattress she touched his forehead in a motherly way.

"You hate all of this don't you....?"

Michael sighed.

"It's just Richard's way...."

"But tonight was not about Richard..."

He looked at her and squeezed her hand.

"I know, but he loves me I know were its coming from."

"You did work hard for this , getting yourself back in and through law school and know the bar , I'm happy for you ... I still miss you on the job but I'm happy if your happy."

"Thanks for the sentiment....want to sneak off and grab a drink somewhere; we can tell Jeff and Richard we were off having a hot dirty affair."

Terry laughed out loud, Michael noticed she was wearing a dress which was a rare occasion with her, it ended at her knee and was cut at the top to show of her gorgeous long neck, the navy color accented her soft brownish blonde hair, her face was freshly scrubbed and makeup less as it always was. They had met on the police force and there had been a time when they had know each other well , some circumstances a couple years back had forced him to resign his position. Michael had opted to finish law school and take the bar an ambition he had put on hold.

"It's a nice thought ... but there's something far more interesting waiting on the back deck for you, so get changed I'll meet u outside."

She flashed him a mischievous grin and left the room , he followed her , shortly after getting into a pair of jeans and a black tee shirt , no shoes no socks the weather was still pleasant enough.

"Hey I was wondering were you wandered off to ...."

Richard met up with him in the kitchen with a glass of wine and a kiss.

"Had enough of being crammed in that suite all day ...."

He kissed him back lightly on the mouth taking a sip off the wine , white and a sweet white at that , he set it back on the counter as Richard led him outside a few more faces he had met only in passing , Richard kept a black book for dinner parties the way people kept black books for lovers. The smell of frying sausages assaulted his senses as he stepped onto the back deck.

"You know me wanted to call the best caters in town, but a friend of yours insisted you would like this better I have to agree he's pretty damn good...."

Michael let go of Richards hand and looked up, behind a thin line of smoke he saw a face that left him cold, a face he had sworn he would keep in contact with, but over the last few years had failed to do so, they had seen each other maybe twice a year talked on the phone maybe four times customary holidays and brief hello's and a lunch or to when he had come to check on a rental property or the weeks Michael had spent at the ocean. It was a failure on both there parts and as Chris's gray green eyes locked with his he new why , that same old feeling he couldn't quite shake, but he was to far past into something else to begin to question it so they did a quite dance around each other the last couple of years both trying to keep the lid on it so to speak, this time had been the longest time almost ten months and only two phone calls.

"Hi Michael ..."

He smiled.

"Didn't know you were back in town ..."

"Sort of a last minute thing , hope you don't mind was in the area stopped by to see if you were home ... "

Chris waved the spatula around.

"One thing led to another...."

"No its fine it looks great, I've been meaning to call you."

A few more tense smiles he felt Richards arm around his waist his soft breath against his neck; Chris's eyes slip across them both.

"I think I'm going to go grab Jackie and pick up another bottle of merlot...."

"Sure ..."

Richard politely asked if anyone wanted anything and then left the balcony , the clouds had shifted over a and the light had begun to fade slowly leaving a chill in the air , the few people on the deck headed inside , Terry smiled and taped his shoulder, she whispered in his ear.

"I'll leave you two alone..."

He gave her a jab to the rib she smiled and snuck away, the deck was so quite they could here the floor board's creek and every bird bug and dog barking three miles off.

"Got some great coronas back here private stash...."

Michael smiled Chris was not a wine drinker by a long shot he popped the top on two closed the lid on the meat and sank down to a lounge chair; Michael sat across from him and took a long pull off the neck.

"Thanks ..."

"For?"

Michael laughed.

"Everything, you always now when to save me ...."

Chris chuckled.

"Was wondering what you had turned into with your new law degree...."

"I just passed the bar, this is Richards idea of fun, sitting around with a bunch of people who like to talk about art openings and grapes and other high society things, Richard had those connections in L.A always invited to some of the best parties it was very fascinating when I was twenty three it lost its charm rather quickly."

"Yet somehow here you are?"

"Yes and here you are ....?"

Chris raised the bottle and took a long swallow off the neck.

"My last renters gone, decided not to look for a new one ..."

Michael chocked on the liquid in his mouth but managed to swallow it before he looked like a complete fool.

"What about the shop..."

Chris shrugged.

"That's gone to, old man finally passed away; some family dispute I just handed the keys over wasn't worth the fight..."

"What about all the work you put into it."

"It's not my way you of all people now me best Michael god has a reason and intention for everything no matter how large or trivial it may be."

"Giving up your only source of income ...."

Chris chuckled.

"Well, there's other reason's not just the fact of having the choice between the cab of my truck and the only property I own...."

A soft knock on the frame of the door interrupted them and they both looked up to a see a man a foot shorter than Chris short muscular build , somewhere within there age bracket , soft dark blonde hair , brown eyes on a square handsome face.

"Hey you found me ..."

Chris smiled that slow curved smile that lit up his whole face and got up, wrapping his arms around the stranger's waist and planting a kiss on his mouth.

"Not that hard, maybe my suspicions were right?"

The man raised an eyebrow and looked in Michael's direction as he stood.

"Michael this is Alex, Alex Michael..."

Michael shook his hand quickly and forced a smile.

"I invited him hope you don't mind..."

"Of course not..."

Michael shrugged.

"The more the merrier,"

Chris headed back for the grill and flipped the top open rescuing the meat before it burned , he offered Alex a beer and he took it sitting were Chris had been five seconds before. Michael felt like the whole world had just gotten to small for him to breath and leaned against the rail, not wanting to dart off to quickly.

"So how long have you to know each other?"

As always Chris read Michaels thoughts.

"I was meaning to mention it last time we talked, but we had only been dating for about a month then..."

And know what it's serious? Michael tried to think quickly about when they had, had that last conversation.

"It's no big deal..."

"Eight months give or take..."

Alex spoke up.

"Ah, and what is it you do?"

"I'm a resident, over at Harbor view ..."

"Wow that's fascinating, guess your covered Chris you know, now a doctor and a lawyer..."

Alex chuckled.

"My specialty is pediatrics..."

Michael suddenly realized what the other thing was and he felt his chest tighten, so they had made the big plunge shouldn't he be happy for Chris? Wasn't this what he wanted when he himself had chosen to be with Richard?

"Listen nice to meet you Alex I'm going to head inside for a bit..."

Michael slipped inside and pressed himself against the hall wall behind the kitchen figuring he was safe when he heard a voice and nearly jumped out of his skin.

"God Terry are you always right behind me ..."

She laughed.

"Well a girls got to pee you must be lost in a good thought..."

He looked at her aggravated and stalked to the kitchen.

"It's nothing like that..."

She followed him and spied Alex and Chris lost kissing and talking against the deck rails.

"I swore I knew nothing about that, but isn't that wonderful....?"

He looked at them then her.

"It should be so why all of a sudden after all this time, does it feel like I can't breathe..."

"Maybe because you were fine with it as long as he wasn't with anybody else, maybe it took that for you to realize how you felt all along."

********************

Somewhere well into the night after the last person had departed Richard and Michael set about picking up paper plates and dishware for a long moment they were silent as they brought there collection into the kitchen. Michael tossed the rest of the paper plates in the trash and started rinsing off wine glasses and setting them in the dishwasher.

"Hey what's up with you tonight ....?"

Richard snuck up behind him and kissed him on the back of the neck.

"You should be thrilled..."

Michael turned around and offered him a smile.

"I am, just been a long day..."

"And that's only the third time you have said that."

Michael tossed in the last glass and shut the door he watched Richard head off to the living room and bit his tongue ready to snap at him, to tell him it hadn't helped to come home to a house full of people, that all he had wanted was a pizza ordered in a couple bottles of beer and a slow conversation on the couch, but in Richards world everything had to be a certain way he loved the man dearly but sometimes, sometimes he was just left riddled with questions.

"I'm sorry ok .... I just..."

Michael sank down on the couch with a long sigh, next to Richard.

"Does this have anything to do with Chris?"

"Why would you say that?"

"Because that look that washes over you whenever he's around ..."

"No ..... "

"He told me he was moving back into town, I thought you to were friends, this should be a good thing ...?"

"I would like to be friends with him but there's something that complicates the matter."

Richard looked at him for a long second.

"What the hell are you not telling me Michael...?"

"Why are you assuming things...?"

Richard let out a sarcastic bit of laughter.

"So you to were hot and heavy lovers once upon a time and I'm supposed to buy there was not one damn look or thought that crossed between the two of you at one point."

"Yes there was, but that was it .... We were never intimante...."

"Honestly ...?"

"We never had sex if that's what you're asking."

Richard shot up off the couch.

"But there was something, recently?"

"No a few years ago, when Ahna passed away, we hadn't seen each other in so long. Old feelings that didn't mean anything, I stopped it before it went to far Richard."

"It meant nothing but it's kept the two of you apart for the last almost two years and the minute he walks through the door you loose it completely that means nothing."

"It doesn't matter what it means Richard, I'm with you and what I have with you means something."

Michael reached for Richard but he pulled back.

"You better sort out how you feel Michael , before you get to deep into what we have , your not going to bury what your two afraid to feel on some obligation to me."

Richard stood up.

"You don't owe me a damn thing Michael, this is about whether you love me or not."

"If I didn't love you why would I be here?"

"There's a million different ways to love someone Michael the question is which way do you love me?"

Michael looked at Richard , they had been friends for a long time and he would always love and care for Richard in that way but when he looked at him know all he could see is another man a man he wondered suddenly why he had worked so hard to forget.

"That answers my question."

Michael stood up.

"It's late were both tired we both have to be up early can we talk about this later..."

There wasn't much of a later they slept on separate sides of the bed that night and something shattered between the two of them, they fumbled through a long work week, they spent the weekend on separate sides of the city. Michael went over some case studies and refused meeting up with Chris , to much fuel to feed the fire , but when Richard came home late the following Friday from work it wasn't just the sky that was about to storm.

"I know you spoke to him twice this past week?"

A light rain had begun to fall and Richard was damp though he didn't seem to notice.

"Richard ...."

"Michael we can't live like this ...?"

Michael sighed and looked at him they had barely touched each other since the night of the party and nearly two weeks had come and gone since then.

"Are you asking me to leave?"

Richard let out a long breath.

"I love you Michael more than you will ever know, but I want most for you to be happy and if your not happy with me then go..."

Michael looked back at Richard for a long second.

"I don't want to hurt you."

Richard suddenly exploded with anger, a rage he had been holding in.

"It's to damn late for that Michael!"

Michael snapped back.

"I don't know what I want I don't know what I feel I don't know if its I'm afraid of the truth or already know it!"

"Well then you need to figure it out!"

Michael closed his eyes for a second sighed and grabbed his keys he didn't want things to end like this he touched Richards shoulder but he pulled back coldly.

"I can't loose you either...."

He stepped away from Richard and felt his hand on his arm.

"Michael I don't know when I will be able to let you back in , but I love you and I want you to be happy and maybe someday I can , but I just don't know, you have to understand that."

"I do..."

Michael shut the door he felt the hurt he had caused Richard rush over him as he climbed in his jeep but he new it was better to be honest with him know. Before he even knew were he was headed he found himself running towards Chris, wondering how lost he was in Alex and if he had just made the worst choice of his life.

******************

Michael drove to Chris's house in a hurry not really knowing at all what he would say , the dark clouds broke halfway there and began to spit rain heavily on the Jeep , causing it to swerve a bit as he hit the curves of the country road. Michael imagined the message on his tomb stone and slowed down taking in a deep breath he pulled over onto the back road far enough away from Chris's house that he couldn't see him, yet close enough to walk , he pressed his head against the steering wheel and tried to compose himself. One final argument between them that had left Richard bitter and him homeless was not a reason to go running to Chris he needed to spend a few nights on Terry's couch rent a new apartment and begin to resolve things between Richard and himself and if anything, if he could not convince himself of that, then he realized he did not need to add logs to the fire did not need to ensure what Richard thought he already new. On the other hand all he could think about was having Chris in the way he ached for down to his heart and soul, but then what, what would a good fuck prove? The idea of it had left things shattered possibly forever between him and Richard, did he need to do that between Chris and Alex? Yes he didn't love Richard he should have admitted that long before he had opted to move in with him and been a friend and saved Richard the heartache, he had caused one mess he didn't need to cause another.

The honking of a horn made him lift his head up, he gazed out the window wondering if he was in someone's way when he saw Chris's truck idling near him his window rolling down and thought oh crap there was no were to run to know. He leaned over and rolled down the passenger window of the jeep and was just a few feet from the man he suddenly new he loved with all his heart and soul; it couldn't just be about a fuck if he felt this way could it. It was cold but he felt every part of him trembling, awake and aching and yet he wasn't even hard in a sexually aroused state.

"Hey I thought that was you are you ok...?"

Chris's eyebrows furrowed he looked confused and for a long second Michael wondered if he was truly happy with Alex what if he didn't want him back at all he forced a smile and said the only thing he could.

"Richard and I broke up...."

"Oh I'm sorry ..."

As if reading his mind Chris said the next logical thing.

"Come up to the house..."

Reluctantly Michael followed him; Chris was unlocking the front door as Michael made his way out of the jeep and inside.

"It's quite a storm out there make yourself at home, Did you call I forgot the cell as well..."

Chris hurried around turning up the heat and heading for the fireplace he added a log and stirred some embers.

"No I .... "

Michael sighed.

"I don't know what I was thinking...."

Chris smiled and headed for the kitchen he began to fire up the coffee pot as Michael dropped his coat on one chair and sank down on the couch.

"That's what friends are for..."

Chris came back in a few minutes with a couple cups of coffee and handed him one he sat nearby in an armchair shifting the logs around with a mettle fireplace poker.

"I really am sorry to hear about you and Richard...."

Michael sighed and sipped the coffee.

"I'm not ..."

Chris looked at him for a long second.