- Reviews & Essays
- Sex Harassment, "Mike" and I
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Click hereI think that the feminists were right to point out the problem of sexual harassment. However, one barrier to effectively addressing this problem may be a common perception – and perhaps misperception -- that men are always those making crude sexual remarks or gestures and women are always those embarrassed or offended.
The Kellie Pickler song, "Things That Never Cross A Man's Mind" says "That joke is too dirty" is one of those things that men supposedly just never think.
My good friend Blunner Huzka has worked as a cook for almost all of his life. He presently works at an expensive steak restaurant. He has told me that women working there have flashed their breasts at him, mooned him, and frequently make explicit sexual remarks and jokes. In fact, one of the several reasons he so dislikes his job is that he dislikes the crude behavior of his co-workers, both male and female. When I tell some people about Blunner's dislike of sexual crudity, they have wondered if he is a prude or an extremely religious person. He is neither and enjoys soft-core porn and burlesque. He even gave me a soft-core porn flick for a present. However, he dislikes an abundance of sexual innuendo and behavior in his workplace.
Hollywood Squares may not be a supreme authority. However, one question I recall being asked was: "According to a recent study, who talks about sex more -- men or women?"
The celebrity who had been asked the question mulled it over for a moment and then said, "Women do."
The host said that was the correct answer.
I've asked other people which gender they think talks about sex more and their answers have been divided but at least some of them have said it is women. Blunner Huzka believes that women talk more about it than men do. I once worked with a woman who said that, especially if there are no men around, women's conversation tends to get "rancid." My ex-husband said he thought women tend to "talk dirty" more than men do.
I recently had an experience that may be relevant to this question. I have to give some background for the reader to understand it. About every day, and usually several times a day, I go to a convenience store within walking distance. It is owned by a man I'll call "Muhammad" and often worked by "Abdullah". The two are related.
At this store, I often talk to a construction worker I will call "Mike." We're not flirting or really friends but just acquaintances on friendly terms who make small talk when we see each other. He sometimes calls me "the candy monster" because I buy so much candy from the store.
Anyway, we were outside the store and I was talking to Mike and another man. I mentioned that I had recently read the Bible all the way through. Then I talked about the famous story of Adam and Eve and the Forbidden Fruit. "Everybody always says it was an apple that tempted Eve but the story in Genesis never says it was an apple," I pointed out. "I think the Forbidden Fruit had to be the banana because the banana is the one fruit that resembles something we women often like to put in out mouths."
"Oh, Denise!" Mike exclaimed as he grimaced. "I didn't know you'd go there! You're embarrassing us."
"I'm sorry I embarrassed you," I said. Then I changed the subject to something I'd read about math.
When I told Blunner about this, Blunner said, "Well, you really shouldn't make that type of a joke with someone you don't know well and aren't close to."
"Do you think he really was embarrassed?" I asked. "I mean, he's a construction worker."
"Well, if you assume he's a crude person because he's a construction worker, then you're stereotyping him," Blunner pointed out.
"Do you think I was harassing him?" I asked.
"It doesn't sound like harassment to me," Blunner replied. "It sounds like a gaffe."
Anyway, it was with some trepidation that I saw Mike again when I went to the aforementioned convenience store because I wondered if he would speak to me.
"Hi, Denise," he said. "What are you reading?"
"It's a book on backgammon," I answered, showing him the slim paperback I carried.
"Abdullah, you've got to put a backgammon table up," he said to the man behind the counter.
I have seen both men several times since the Eve and banana joke bombed. They always wave at me, say "hi," and sometimes make chit chat so I guess that neither is holding a grudge over it. However, I have been careful not to make any more sexual types of remarks to either of them.
Your thoughts?
- COMMENTS
bottovarnisalmost 3 years agoActually I probably would have ignored the banana remark but privately I would have been a bit surprised. I am of the opinion that women rarely think about or discuss anything vaguely sexual. It's just not on their considerable agendas
fourthwireabout 15 years agoDenise Noe is one of the most thoughtful writers that I have had the pleasure to read. Her thoughts on sexual harassment (a usually painful subject.... painful to read about, that is) does her credit as a member of the human race.
I found her story about Eve and the banana amusing enough, and I rather doubt that "Mike" sustained much injury from her telling it. Not all men enjoy raunchy jokes, and some men do not enjoy discussing sex with even casual friends.
Yes, it is possible for women to sexually harass men, or at least to behave in the same fashion that women have been castigating men for, especially in business, education, government, and military environments, a point that Denise Noe certainly did not miss.
That written, Denise is pointing out that men's feelings DO matter, a fact that too many members of our society forget.... that is, if they have ever learned that critical point in the first place.
Denise Noe displays her humanity in such musings as this one as unselfconsciously as always. And I give her full credit for her observations about men and women, not to mention how they interact in our society.
I look forward to reading more of her literary works.
Denise Noe, thank you!
Anonymousover 15 years agoI had a close woman friend explain something to me one day that has kept me thinking for years. She said women dont begin to mature sexually and mentally until about 30 and by that time most of them are trapped in a marriage and have kids and cant pursue the life they want. She said most young women confuse love and lust and grow up thinking having wet panties means they are love with the guy when all they really want is sex and sperm biologically. She indicated that around 30 divorces by women multiply becuase they try to find what they really want in life and in many cases this is love. My present wife left her husband at 33 and moved in with me, she loved me and greatly resented what her husband had become. We have a wonderful life and two young children, she wanted children he didnt, lied about it to her early on. Yes women are more sexual in their thoughts and conversation. Many are afraid to show this side of themselves to men and especially their husbands as they want to be respected and not thought of as sluts. Some of this is the natural course of the biological urge to procreate beginnniung at puberty and usually ending around 40 or so. And the rest is hormone driven by the womans own body. The human female animal has instincts to have the largest, strongest man impregnate her to have good offspring. She naturally wants the best provider to live with, marry, to give her offspring a good "nest". Very often those two people are not the same. Thus many marriages have cheating wives that get impregnated outside the loving caring home. Until the woman matures she cant control these biological urges and thereby have a successful marriage. While we are on it the male has a natural tendency to have sex with many females to try and guarantee his sperm produces as many children as possible to guarantee his genetic structure moves forward. Thus women who cheat on their husbands actually betray them by not providing a continuation of the genetic line. One line in cheating wife stories is you get a hard on knowing I had sex with someone else therefore you like it. They forget at male can get a hardone at any sex including dogs in heat or horses mounting a mare. It isnt her committing adultry it is the sex act itself and most writers dont realize this. I really in nonsexual situations dont want to hear woman make sexual comments, it does offend me to some degree and when it happens I tend to walk away. I think your essay is wonderful and I hope I have given you fuel for another. RB
gatorhermitover 15 years agoI agree with this essay. First, however, the joke about the banana <i>is </i>funny and just a little crude. I think "Mike" was not offended - he was just putting the author back up on her pedestal (which is where many men keep women that they respect) and then politely letting her know. Second, there is a double standard. One of my colleagues is very flirty and dresses quite provocatively - deliberately distracting - however heaven help the male who ever even gets close to the line.
