tagHumor & SatireSex In Sixty Seconds

Sex In Sixty Seconds

byandtheend©

Would you rather have sex in sixty seconds or read a less than 2,000 word sexy story in a minute?

It sounds absurd, doesn't it, doing one over the other, and doing either within the time frame of a minute? Yet, this is Literotica.com, an erotic story reading and writing site, where impossible sexual feats are accomplished, the memory of which are recorded and preserved in a story, don't you know? When it comes to sexual content, anything and everything can and does happen here.

Nonetheless, without doubt, the reality of doing either one of those things, having sex or reading a less than 2,000 word sexy story in a minute, would take much longer than a mere minute. Wouldn't you agree? However, if you could do one or the other in sixty seconds, which one would you choose?

To be honest, having sex in sixty seconds is like dancing to the Minute Waltz. Unless you're dancing to the beat of the Flight Of The Bumble Bee, it can't be done in a minute. Was I being literal or rhetorical, when I wrote and named this story? We all know the title to the song, The Minute Waltz, is as misleading as the title of this story, Sex In Sixty Seconds, with both lasting much longer than a minute, but hold on here.

We all know that dancing to the Minute Waltz, whether dancing at the Elks Club, while wearing an Elk costume, dancing with your mother-in-law at her fifth wedding reception, or dancing at the Presidential Ball with Mrs. Obama (What's the protocol? Should I grab the First Lady's ass or not?) takes more than a minute. We all know that having sex, whether having sex with your wife, your sexy sister-in-law, your girlfriend, your girlfriend's hot sister, your significant other and your other significant other, a prostitute, a call girl, or a call boy, the farmer's daughter, Becky, whose father chased you off his land with a shotgun, or your favorite fantasy dream celebrity stars, Angelina Jolie or Kelly Preston, with their perfect breasts, perfect hips, and ever so full lips takes more than sixty seconds.

Sorry, the fantasy of having sex with Angelina Jolie or Kelly Preston has made me digress. Yet, bear with me.

I realize, of course, that most of you would pick having sex in sixty seconds, especially if it was one sided sex with a hot woman, who was as hungry for you as she was horny for your cock, while in the preferred position, on her knees and in front of you. Certainly, you'd pick having sex in sixty seconds with her then, especially if there was a baseball, basketball, hockey, or football playoff game or a Nascar race on television and your cold beer was getting warm. Admit it. Am I right?

Hey, I'm not psychic. You're just transparent. And I know some things about men. Allow me to demonstrate all the knowledge that I need to know about the male species.

Wanna blowjob? Wanna beer? Wanna watch the game on a big screen TV, while getting a blowjob and having a beer? See? What did I tell you? There's no sense denying that I know all your needs, wants, and desires. I see you nodding your head and drooling.

60 sec...A well known writer to this site, I won't mention his or her name to save him or her the embarrassment, made a post to my Andtheend Story Highlight thread, (post #28, on page 2, on the Story Feedback thread, in case you're curious, who it was). I can't believe you twisted that information out of me without even having to water board me. I like being stripped naked and water boarded. Basically, the post read, as below.

55 sec..."I personally feel a short story should be less than two thousand words to be considered a short story per say. I feel like saying that a minute is more than enough time to read a dirty story or to make love but that would just be too embarrassing." End of quote.

Eww. I feel like I stepped in something slimy barefoot. Gross.

Just as I realize the post the writer made was filled, littered, actually with grammatical errors and errors of punctuation, you should read one of this writer's stories or maybe not. If this writer cannot write two grammatically correct sentences, why should I expect him or her to write a story that makes any sense?

The post, especially the diction, word choice, and the way the words are used, is telling. Much like a fingerprint is used at a crime scene to positively identify the criminal, I can distinctly hear the writer's voice and, much like fingerprints, no two voices are alike. It's undeniably to me, who this writer is.

Yet, what does the identity of this writer matter? The identity of this writer is not the theme of this story. What the writer (used loosely) wrote was the inspiration for this story. For the writer to write what he or she wrote, he or she believes that sex can be experienced or an erotic story can be read in a minute. Their words are as disturbing, as they are haunting.

Trust me, I was just as shocked to read what was written, as you are now. It's bad enough to think that but can you believe someone would write that for public consumption, especially on this site? For sure, I couldn't allow this to go unnoticed. For sure, such a comment inspired this story. Moreover, the comment gave me a glimpse in the dark, dirty, and disturbed mind of this writer, a place where I never want to go again.

Eww. Someone turn on a light. That writer's brain is really creepy. Was that a spider web or old, sticky cum that I just walked through? Gross.

50 sec...Allow me to repeat the quote. I'll just let you digest what he or she wrote, while I zap my coffee in the microwave for, I dunno, a minute.

"I personally feel a short story should be less than two thousand words to be considered a short story per say. I feel like saying that a minute is more than enough time to read a dirty story or to make love but that would just be too embarrassing."

45 sec...Except for the obvious mistakes in grammar, punctuation, composition, and style, what do you think? Let me see a show of hands. How many of you think you can read a story that is less than 2,000 words in a minute? Go ahead, time yourself. I'll wait. Again, let me see a show of hands. How many of you can have sex in a minute? Go ahead, time yourself. I'll watch.

40 sec...You, the bald guy in back of the room with his fly down? Sorry, pardon me, madam. I thought you were a man. What's that? No, I don't know if he or she was having sex with someone else or alone with him or herself. He/she did say making love, so I would imagine that is with another person, unless, of course, this person is in love with themselves and was sexually self-abusing themselves. You may return to pleasuring yourself, madam.

"Ding!"

35 sec...Pardon me, there's my coffee. Wow that was a fast minute, wasn't it? Ah, my coffee is hot and strong, just the way I like it.

30 sec...During the time, the one minute, that my coffee was heating, for those of you who read a short story that was less than 2,000 words in a minute, do you remember what you read and what the story was about? Can you even name the title and the author of the story?

For those of you who had sex in the minute that it took for my coffee to heat, did you cum? Did your partner cum? Tell me, was that a worthwhile and enjoyable sexual minute or did you feel rushed and pressured to make the most of those quickly fleeting sixty seconds?

"Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick."

For those who chose having a minute of sex, instead of reading the story, were you frustrated in not having enough time to experience all that you could, would, and should have experienced with Angelina Jolie or with Kelly Preston? Everyone knows Angelina Jolie but for those of you who don't know Kelly Preston, married to John Travolta, she played Marnie, opposite Arnold Schwarzenegger, in Twins. Ah, if only Brad Pitt or John Travolta would allow me to have my way with their wives for say, I dunno, a minute.

20 sec...First of all, let me clarify something. The average person reads between 250-500 words in a minute, unless you're one of those speed readers, who has a finger that moves across a page of words as fast as his eyes can follow, reading a story that is less than 2,000 words in a minute cannot be done. Theoretically, based upon the norm, it would take nearly 4-8 minutes to read a story that was less than 2,000 words and not the overly exaggerated and imaginary minute, as purported by the writer of that post above. Most of us, when reading serious literature, a novel that we're enjoying, will read between 50-100 words a minute, so as to digest what we just read and linger, ponder, and reflect on what we are reading, while we are reading it to allow the images to wash across our minds to more enjoy the story.

Now, I don't know about the rest of you, but when I'm making sensuous, romantic love or having unbridled animal sex it takes about 2 hours minimum, an hour and a half, an hour, okay, okay, 15-20 minutes is all I can stand before I say, "Get off me, you fat fuck."

10 sec...I can't imagine someone making love in a minute. Can you? Hell, it would take most men longer to take off their shoes and socks. Okay, point well taken, you only need to pull down your zipper and pull out your pecker, and you never remove your shoes and socks, in case her husband shows up and you need to make a hasty retreat. Ah, whatever happened to romance? What's that? That is romantic for you. I see.

9 sec...I mean, seriously, unless you're a dog in heat, who would want to spend only a mere sixty seconds making love? Would you? Why bother? Seriously, it takes more time to shake someone's hand and greet them.

Here's my watch. Someone time me.

8 sec...Hi, how are you? Nice to see you again. How have you been? Your wife? The kids? Good.

My wife? My kids? Everyone is well. Thank you for asking.

7 sec...See? How long was that? Hey, where'd that guy go with my watch?

6 sec...Anyway, you get the point.

5 sec...Well, maybe I can't read a sexy story that is less than 2,000 words in a minute. Maybe, I can't make love in a minute. Who would want to only take one minute to do either one of those things?

0 sec...Zero time left. Yet, I'm done writing this story in sixty seconds.

In just sixty seconds, I managed to write this story in a mere minute. Not bad. Maybe there's something to this, sixty second thing, after all. No wonder why he or she writes so many too short stories and leads the 2010 Survivor competition. I get it.

This story is just under 2,000 words. How long did it take you to read it? One may not read a story that is less than 2,000 words or have sex in a minute, but one can write a short, very short story, a story that is nearly twice the length of the stories that the above referred to poster writes.

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byandtheend© 7 comments/ 15328 views/ 1 favorites
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