Sex Prep 101

Sex Prep 101

Readers often ask me why I haven't written in a while. The truth is, I haven't felt passionate about adding anything to what I've already written; nothing that would be useful to the good people on this site.

I do now, though. And I'm excited about it, because this is by request. Yes, I've been asked to cover a topic.

If you haven't had sex in a while, or perhaps have never had sex, it's natural to feel some anxiety. Maybe a lot of anxiety. With all the expectations out there, all the readily accessible porn, all the stories, all the sex in movies, on television, cable TV and radio, it's easy to feel like you have to be an expert to please your lover. In fact, the media make it seem as though everyone is a great lover. A sex scene may take 30 seconds on screen, but the smiling faces afterwards always communicate that something epic just happened, and it's the most natural thing in the world. That it's always that way. And it can be, don't get me wrong. The right chemistry, the right people, the right mood and feelings and desire...it's rocking and rolling and the best feeling in the world. Beyond.

But what if, as I began to say, it's been a while. You feel unprepared. You're out of practice, out of rhythm and feeling more than a little self conscious about it. Then this article is for you. I'm going to break down what some of the typical fears or issues are, and what you can do to overcome them. If you follow my advice, there's no way you won't be a better lover. And isn't that what we all want? To rock somebody's world? To make them long for more of what you have to give? And to be pleasured in ways you've always wanted to be? I thought so.

Let's get started.

Take the Pressure Off

Some things don't seem to end well before they even begin. You know what I mean. When you're predicting disaster, it seems to follow that disaster will find you. When you think about it, it makes perfect sense. When you feel that something, whether it's sex, a date, or a job interview (they're kind of the same thing, one is just wetter), is going to go poorly, you simply cannot be at your best or close to it. You're predicting awkwardness, discomfort, failure or at least a lack of success.

Well, the Universe has a bad habit of giving you exactly what you ask for. If you predict a bad, uncomfortable experience, what are the chances it will be awesome and inspiring? But if, instead, you predict an amazing experience, it will far more likely be just that. I speak from personal experience here. If you feel or even somehow know that the sex you're about to have will be something to remember, something that will make you hot all over again just thinking about, it usually will be. You'll somehow move differently, act differently, and feel more intuitive and natural about what you do. Take it easy on yourself. You can do this. It's not that hard. Pardon my pun.

Feel Good About Yourself

Again, this is where the media and perhaps your own expectations can be your enemy. Women come in all shapes and sizes. Thank God they come in all shapes and sizes. Maybe the shape and size you are isn't what it was when you were younger (or if you ARE younger, maybe your body just isn't what you were hoping it would be). Here's the good news: so what? Just as every guy doesn't have eye-popping muscles and washboard abs (but enough about my attributes), not every woman is a size 2 with huge, perfect tits and a body that would make Barbie hot for you. If you have those attributes, wonderful. You lucked out. But they are far from what will make you a good lover.

You do have to learn to feel good in your own skin. Comfortable with the way you look. I don't mean you shouldn't strive to look your best and be healthy. Wear makeup, dress nicely and make the best of what you have. Of course you should. But if you're waiting to look perfect, stop waiting now. It's not great beauty that is a long-term or even short-term turn on. Plenty of great beauties fail at relationship after relationship. The secret is something more primal, and we'll get to it. Just know that feeling good about yourself, and displaying that feeling, is the biggest turn on there is. I know that for me, when I'm with people, my wit and intelligence are more attractive than just having a nice body or looking like a movie star. If those looks aren't backed up by personality, the whole package is an empty shell. Personality makes or breaks attraction.

Kiss Me, Baby

The first sensual impression you'll make with someone is the kiss. That kiss, that first meaningful kiss, can really set you up as a woman who knows what sexuality really is. Sometimes a kiss can be so hot that nothing else compares. Do you want to kiss like that? You can.

The most important thing to do when kissing is keep your lips soft. This means pressing lightly. I know you've seen kisses that appear to be like acts of assault. Passion is one thing. Technique is another. When you kiss someone "hard," you lose the most sensual thing about your lips—their softness. Why are guys attracted to women with large, full lips, like Angelina Jolie's (well, other than the thought of those lips wrapped around our cock...but I digress)? Because they look so soft and inviting. Keep them soft. Hold his face in your hands, so you can control the pressure, and kiss him passionately, but lightly, keeping your lips soft. Use your tongue slowly and deliberately, not like an iguana searching for food. When you give a soft, sensual, arousing kiss, it's a sure bet that he's wondering what else you're SO good at. Kiss him softly. You'll make him crazy for you.

Be Interactive

Everything in our world is interactive today, right? iPads, smartphones, videogames; you name it. It's all about the user experience. Why should people be any different? And yet there are plenty of women who somehow cling to the old-fashioned notion that just "being there" naked and willing is enough.

It's not.

Be there in body, yes, but also in mind, heart and spirit. Present yourself (or at least your pussy) to him in all different ways. Instead of him—if he knows what he's doing—putting your body into doggie, scissors, side or missionary position, you do it. Is there anything hotter than a girl who says "Wait, give it to me from behind, baby"? That's July in Phoenix, Arizona hot. The physical benefit for you is your pussy being stimulated from different angles, which will feel amazing. The psychological benefit is that he'll think, "Wow, she knows what she likes," which is both hot and cool at the same time. Now, I'm not suggesting you currently lie there waiting for him to do what he wants to you and thinking that he loves it. He'll probably like it, sure. But he'll love a girl who gets on all fours, practically shoves her pussy in his face and says, "Pull my hair and fuck me hard." Sizzling.

Shout it Out Loud

Good sex isn't silent sex, and silent sex isn't good sex. It works that way. Let me clarify. You watch a porn and get the idea that someone is in the process of being murdered. She's screaming like someone just stole her dog. It's ridiculous. But imagine for a minute that it was like a silent movie. You could hear her breathing but there were no words, no sound, nothing to convey the passion she's feeling. You'd turn it off after a minute. In real life, it will turn him off after a minute, too.

Moaning is nice; moaning is good. Words of passion are even better. I'm not suggesting you put on a show and say things like "your cock feels so good, you feel so good inside of me," the entire time. Frankly, it's distracting. But when you moan and say things like "Oh yeah, oh God, oh my God, that feels so fucking good...," and it's genuine, it makes your lover feel that's he's doing a great job in satisfying you and, believe me, we all want that reinforcement.

I clearly remember rimming my lover (for those of you who aren't familiar with giving and receiving this bliss, it means licking around her asshole) when she turned her head to me and said in the most seductive of voices, "That's hot, baby." Boom. I was there. And speaking of which...

The Voice

No, not the television show. Yes, I know you think Adam Levine is hot. You've heard the term "bedroom voice." It's true. When you switch from your office, talking to your friends, talking to the kids, talking to your parents' voice and flip into passion mode, your voice should flip, too. Try and make it a little lower, a little softer, a little slower. Just try and say the words, "That's hot, baby," in your regular everyday voice. I'll wait. Okay fine, now let me hear you say it in your throws of passion, half pleading, half choked with desire voice. Did you do it? Can you hear the difference? Your lover sure will. When you change from mother, daughter, student, office voice into sex-crazed, passionate lover voice, not only do you sound different, you feel different as well. It's all part of how acting the way want to feel will make you feel the way you act. Act confident, walk confidently, and speak, when the moment is right, with the tone of voice that says, "I've never felt hotter for anyone," and you can melt a polar icecap.

Keep Your Eye on the Ball(s)

I'm sorry, I couldn't resist the pun. You can keep your eyes wherever you want, but keep them open and preferably looking into his. It helps cement the connection between you. When your eyes are closed when you're fucking, who knows what you're thinking? Maybe you wish you weren't there. Maybe you wish you were with Leonardo Dicaprio. Maybe you're thinking about what you have to do at work tomorrow. Not hot.

What is hot is when you look your lover in the eyes as much as possible. I must again allude to porn. I swear I'm not a porn addict ("Really, ma!") but one of the key things you can take from porn is the amount of eye contact the women make. They look into his eyes when they're sucking his cock. They'll stare through him as he's fucking her (Let's combine a technique here—while looking at him, tell him how good it feels, tell him when you're getting close to cumming; tell him everything but your social security number.), they'll even turn their head and look behind them, into his eyes, when he's fucking her doggie style. Incredibly hot. It means you're laser focused on pleasing him, and totally into the moment. Many girls won't follow this advice. That's fine. Because when you do, it will set you apart.

  Desire—The Key Ingredient

Desire is your secret weapon, the ultimate ingredient in having not good sex, but great sex. Indeed, it IS the difference between the two. You can't fake it, manufacture it, or turn it off. I would rather be with a girl with strong desire—a strong sex drive—who wants to please and be pleased in every way and is open minded, than the most beautiful supermodel in the world, if that is the choice.

Desire, to me, doesn't come and go or wear out over time. If you're with the right person, who loves sex as much as you do, who wants and NEEDS to please and be pleased, the feeling may never end. What I'm telling you is that if you have the desire—and I'm assuming you do if you're reading these words—then all the remaining tips will fall naturally into place.

How will you know? If you've ever stood an inch from your lover, both of you literally trembling to touch each other, that's desire. When you wake up in the middle of the night, or first thing in the morning and it's Go Time, that's desire. When you feel like you just have to make it through day so you be together again...you get the picture. When it's real, it's amazing. Breathtaking.

Afterglow

The end of a sexual encounter, whether you're with a boyfriend, spouse, or new lover, can be very telling. Do they practically get up and run away? Do you? I'm not judging one way or the other, believe me. I think that when you lay there in each other's arms for a little while, it could be 5 minutes or it could be all night, it's a very nice way to come down. I hope you've enjoyed it. Please remember there is no right or wrong, unless someone's bleeding or on the way to the hospital. Being good is very nice. Being bad is even better. Best wishes.