Shane and Carmen: The Novelization Ch. 01

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The Girl With the Incredible Ass.
15k words
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21.3k
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Part 1 of the 30 part series

Updated 08/30/2017
Created 12/16/2014
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DISCLAIMER:

The stories in the "Celebrity" section of Literotica are all fictional parodies - none are true, nor are they approved of by the celebrities named in the stories. Authors write these fictitious stories about famous people for the same reason that Larry Flynt made fun of Jerry Falwell, because they can. The Supreme Court of the United States, the country where this site is located, has ruled that parodies involving famous people are perfectly and totally legal under the United States Constitution. The specific case law on this was decided in the case of Hustler Magazine, Inc., et al. v. Jerry Falwell in 1988. No harm is intended toward the celebrities featured in these stories, but they are public figures and in being so, they must accept that they are fair target for parodies by the public. We believe in the first amendment, and more broadly, in the basic principle of free speech and this section may push the boundaries of that principle, but the United States Supreme Court has approved of this type of material. We believe that the Supreme Court was correct in its decision.

Shane and Carmen: The Novelization tells the second- and third-season story line about the Showtime Network's television show The L Word and two of its now-famous characters, Shane McCutcheon and Carmen de la Pica Morales. It can only be fair to credit the people who created those characters and wrote the episodes from those two years. They are creator, writer, and guiding spirit Ilene Chaiken, her co-creators Michele Abbott and Kathy Greenberg, and writers Lara Spotts, Rose Troche, Guinevere Turner, A.M. Homes, David Stenn, Elizabeth Hunter, Cherian Dabis, Adam Rapp, and EZgirl (Elizabeth Ziff), as anyone browsing The L Word fan site and the numerous L Word entries in Wikipedia well knows.

I am also grateful to the Web site called "The L Word fan site," which took pains to announce that it was not an official or authorized L Word site. It was apparently run by two people named Jacky and Ruva, there was someone named Steph involved, and I would be happy to credit them further, but I am unable to glean any other information from their site, which in any event appears to have died six years ago (as I write this).

That said -- and in keeping with the terms of the language and concepts in the Falwell disclaimer above -- their work has been amplified and expanded well beyond what a mere transcript of those 25 episodes would indicate; it is "highly transformative," as the lawyers like to say. A large number of additional scenes have been included, conclusions of scenes cut short or "faded to black" have been brought to further conclusion. Scenes needing preamble or backstory have been created, gaps and lacunae have been filled in, and so on. Accordingly, however, this novelization excludes any and all story lines involving other characters and their travails and relationships except as Shane and Carmen might have been aware of them or participated in them. The story is told principally through the eyes of Shane and Carmen, and to a slightly lesser extent through Jenny Schecter, who figures so prominently between them. Only one major scene (between Shane and Veronica Bloom) has been omitted, because it had nothing to do with the main plot and didn't significantly advance Shane's characterization. A couple of very short and very minor scenes have also been deleted for the same reason; one had virtually no dialogue in it. The dialogue here also differs from the original teleplays because I have eliminated a fair amount of stuttering, "uh" and "er" remarks, repetitions, and numerous pauses that don't translate well on paper or pixels. A few lines have been condensed or otherwise cleaned up.

Prospective readers might be interested to know that new chapters explain how and more interestingly why Shane and Carmen got their two very important and significant tattoos, as well as the story of how Shane came to be transformed from an almost-feral, homeless, unemployable, penniless, semi-literate, drug-abusing prostitute catering to men (yes, men, albeit homosexual men) with a very short life expectancy into a cleaned-up, fixed-up, talented graduate of a hairdressing school capable of not only supporting herself but of becoming socially adept, of sitting down and comfortably sharing a latte or a chardonnay with the likes of a Bette Porter and Tina Kennard. How did Carmen become a DJ? How did Shane get the money to buy into her share of Wax? Did Carmen really cheat on Shane with a girl named Robin, or did Carmen make that story up just to get revenge on Shane? What happened to Jenny immediately after she cut her legs and visited Tina, Bette and new baby Angelica in the hospital? What happened to Shane and Carmen during the six months between the end of Season Two and the start of Season Three? What happened with (and to) Carmen's first lover, Lucia Torres? What happened on Carmen's "silent date" with Jenny? Most important of all, what "really" happened on the day of the wedding that caused Shane to abandon Carmen at the altar? (For those who watched the ending and think you know what happened, you don't. You really don't.) What happened to Carmen afterward?

Finally, everyone who watched The L Word knows Shane and Carmen had close to a dozen sex scenes or scenes of a sexual nature (such as Jenny's striptease, and the nights Shane spent with Phoebe Sparkle) over those 25 episodes, plus flashback scenes of Shane from Season One. Some lasted on screen for only a few seconds (Jenny and Carmen's water sports scene on the toilet: 25 seconds showing nothing but feet walking across the bathroom floor, followed by only 20 seconds of action), while some lasted several minutes. A few were only alluded to or hinted at (Carmen's prom night and her possibly non-existent affair with Robin; Shane's encounter with naked, plexiglass-doodling performance artist Jimmi). As this is also a work of erotica, all of those scenes have not only been included but are amplified and extended to include their beginnings or endings. Further additional scenes of a sexual nature have been added to explain Shane and Carmen's backgrounds and explore their sexual histories, natures, skills and proclivities. And a few have been added just for fun.

Oh, and of course many of the gratuitous product placements from the original show have been included. So go ahead, pop a Dos Equis and enjoy.

Chapter 1 The Girl With the Incredible Ass

As usual, Shane McCutcheon was not only on time but a few minutes early. She signed the guest register book at 9:51 a.m. and the guard at the studio gate told her where to park her Toyota pickup, then to walk down past Studio 5 and then turn left into the next building, where they shot the cable TV interview show. When Shane got there the woman in charge explained that the regular hairdresser had called in sick, but knew Shane and recommended her as a short-notice replacement hairdresser.

"Who am I working on?" Shane asked.

"Arianna Huffington," the woman said. "She's pushing her new book."

Shane nodded, covering the fact she had only the vaguest notion who Arianna Huffington was. Shane did a lot of things, but she didn't do politics and current events. "Sure," Shane said. "Arianna. Cool."

The woman led Shane through a maze of studio hallways to a hair-dressing and makeup room somewhere down a few corridors. "You need anything, holler. And remember, Arianna gets star treatment. Anything she wants, 'kay?"

"Sure, got it," Shane said. She went into the room and laid her bag on the Formica counter in front of the room-wide mirror. No Arianna, but that was expected when dealing with celebrities. Shane went into the bathroom to take care of a little business, and when she came out a minute later Arianna was sitting in the chair glancing through a magazine. A makeup woman was dabbing at Arianna's cheeks, then left the room.

"Hey," Shane said.

"Hey," Arianna said, looking up and putting the magazine down.

"I'm Shane," Shane said, extending her hand.

"Hi, Shane, I'm Arianna," Arianna said, shaking Shane's hand. "I like what you're wearing."

Shane looked down at herself, mystified. She was wearing what she always wore, had been wearing for over a decade: The Shane Look, waif-like, androgynous and half a step from Grunge. She wore granny glasses, which she needed when she was working up close and sometimes for reading. A white necklace. Man's white dress shirt, clean but unpressed, with the collar sticking straight up. Frayed, faded low-rider jeans (where there any other kind?) ... and of course a man's black tuxedo jacket.

"Uh ... thank you," Shane said.

"Who do you dress for?"

Shane laughed, unpacking her gear and laying out the combs, brushes, picks and scissors on the counter. "Uh, um ... myself. And the girlies, sometimes, but mostly me."

"So, you're gay?"

Shane looked into the mirror and into Arianna Huffington's eyes. Am I gay? Shane thought with a laugh. Well, from birth to about age eight I pretty much didn't give a shit one way or the other. So yeah, I'm gay, but only for the past twenty years. "Totally," Shane said, "yes."

"You know, I was at a dinner the other night," Arianna said, "and someone said that dykes are the new fags. What do you think about that?"

Shane pretended to give the question serious thought, then said, "I think people like to categorize things too much."

Arianna nodded and smiled as Shane came up behind her and started working on her hair.

"So what's your book about?" Shane asked while she worked.

"This country, politics ... "

"Yeah?"

" ... my ideas about how to make the world better."

"Good for you."

"What about you, Shane? What do you want?"

"Um ... well, I haven't really thought about it. Um."

"What about love?"

What about love? Shane thought. Lady, you have no fucking idea what I know about love. Love will break you. Love will kill you. Love is a one-way ticket to hurt.

"No. Love's a bitch. I'd rather just have a good time and move on."

Arianna nodded and smiled again. Just then the answer to the question of what Shane wanted walked into the room with a tray full of paper coffee cups.

"All right, Miss Huffington, here's your soy latte," said a young production assistant in a bright red T-shirt, putting a cup down on the counter. Carmen de la Pica Morales looked up at the boy/girl man/woman hairdresser person with the dark shaggy hairdo going in fifteen directions, and felt her heart skip a beat. "Um, can I get you anything?" she asked Shane.

Holy shit, Shane thought. Yes, you can get me something, something I haven't had in the last forty-eight hours: a Class A, mind-blistering orgasm, a cum so sweet they make a diet version with Splenda. You can get me a double latte pussy cream with extra foam. Shane took in the girl's big, wide, dark eyes, the infectious wide smile, the flawless, oh-so-light-caramel-colored complexion, the curious, not-quite-perfect nose that made the rest of her face even more perfect around it. Latina or Middle Eastern, though in LA most likely Latina. Shane had done her share of Latinas. Looked like nice tits under that red T-shirt, not big, but ... nice. Cute little denim skirt to mid-thigh, long socks to the middle of her shapely calves, cute work boots. Great figure. Friendly. Outgoing. Fuckable. Oh yes, this one was fuckable. This one was prime, government-inspected, Grade A edible.

"No, thanks," Shane said. Be cool, Shane, don't show anything. Don't let this girl know your clit's already twitching. Not that it took all that much to make Shane's clit twitch. But this twitch was off the hook.

"Just let me know if you change your mind. I'm Carmen," the Latina fuckvision said.

"Hey, Carmen," Shane said.

"Hey," Carmen said. In her head she heard a voice murmuring, "Quiero, quiero, quiero ... ."

"I'm Shane."

Arianna looked in the mirror at Shane and at Carmen. Wow, she thought. I'm going to have to throw a bucket of cold water on these two in about ten more seconds.

Carmen suddenly remembered the cups on the tray in her hand. She smiled self-consciously and quickly left the room.

"See ya," Shane murmured.

Arianna and Shane watched the girl walk out the door, watched the girl's hips under the tight jeans skirt. They both had the same thought: What a lovely ass on that girl. And Arianna wasn't even gay.

***

Shane followed Arianna and the makeup woman through the maze toward the set where they were going to start taping Arianna's panel show. Halfway there a handcart full of videotapes plunged toward them down the corridor, being pushed by Carmen, and it nearly ran down Shane.

"Hey," Carmen giggled, "Sorry."

"Hi," Shane said, feeling butterflies lifting off inside her chest.

Carmen smiled and continued pushing the cart down the hallway. Shane watched her ass going down the hall. Shane felt her clit give the girl a sad little wave goodbye. Goodbye, sweet little Latina girl, goodbye. Goodbye, wonderful, firm bum cheeks. Goodbye, sweet wonderful mouth that looked like it could lick ...

Arianna stepped up to Shane, "Don't worry, I'll be fine," she said, laughing at Shane's bewitchment.

"But I should be here for you," Shane said, still watching Carmen's fine, fine bottom.

"Go," Arianna said, giving Shane a gentle push down the corridor Carmen just disappeared into. Shane looked at her, and Arianna nodded and grinned. Shane grinned back, and started off down the hallway.

God, young love, Arianna thought. Or young lust. Whatever, who gives a damn. I just wish I had some of that. I wish somebody looked at me that way. Reluctantly she turned away and walked to the set.

***

Carmen pushed her cart of videotapes through a set of double doors, Shane walking beside her, carrying a stack of videotapes that had threatened to fall off the cart.

"So anyway. This is my day job. Um ... last week I PA'd at a Fischerspooner video." PA, noun as well as verb, for production assistant.

"Cool," Shane said. She'd had almost no clue who Arianna Huffington was, but she knew that the retro electropop duo of Warren Fischer and Casey Spooner were widely rumored to be about to release their second full-length album, which the trade papers said was going to be called Odyssey.

"I know," Carmen agreed. "I DJ, too. I do The Little Temple on Fridays and then I do a night of old school, body wave and electro at M/R/X every other Wednesday."

"Very cool," Shane said. They looked at each other. Eye contact. Eye contact was good.

Carmen laughed self-consciously. "So what about you, what do you do when you're not doing hair?"

What do I do? Shane thought to herself. Oh, Carmen, baby, you have no idea what I do. Or rather, I hope to all the goddesses of Lesbos that you know exactly what I do when I'm not doing hair. I do pussy. "What do I do ... nothin' much. Hang out," Shane said.

"Yeah," Carmen said.

"Whatever," Shane said. She put her stack of videotapes back onto Carmen's cart.

Just then a loudspeaker blared throughout the complex: "We need final touches on Miss Huffington."

Carmen giggled. Shane's heart melted a little further. Shane didn't understand why she was so flummoxed, so ... stalled. What the fuck was going on?

"Uh ... Catch ya later," Shane said. Her clit screamed, "Noooooooooooooo!"

"All right," Carmen said. Her clit screamed, "Por favorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!"

Shane turned and slowly walked back down the hallway, her hands in her pockets.

Carmen and her clit, both deep in thought, watched Shane go. Then Carmen grabbed a tape from the cart. "Hey, Shane?"

Shane turned.

"Uh ... do you wanna listen to something really cool?"

Shane nodded, and Carmen gave her a follow-me sign. She led Shane down another corridor and soon they were in a control room of an unused studio not far from Arianna's TV set. Carmen pushed the cart to the far corner of the room and went back and shut the door to the room. Shane slouched against the door and the soundboard, watching Carmen load the tape into a player unit and pick up a set of headphones. Carmen held one phone to her ear as she expertly played with dials and switches. Shane was impressed with the girl's easy familiarity with the equipment. Music started coming out of speakers in the room, a drum-and bass beat, a little techno, a little retro. Not bad, something about chicks driving fast on bikes with long lashes.

"So I heard this mix at the Knitting Factory last weekend," Carmen said. "I mean, this is exactly where I wanna be in, like, five years from now."

"I like a girl with ambition," Shane said.

"Fuck you!" Carmen shot back, laughing and still playing with dials. Talking, laughing,
loving, breathing, fighting
, the song lyrics crooned.

"Okay," Shane said. "If you want."

Carmen looked at her. What did she just say? She put the headphones down, her heart beating fast. She moved slowly toward Shane. Shane moved toward Carmen. Inside Carmen's head a voice was murmuring, "Quiero, quiero, oh, quiero!" Carmen felt her pulse quickening. Oh, yes, Carmen thought, this is gonna happen.

Their lips came together, a kiss that started off soft but that had desire buried in it. Such longing. Such heat. Carmen put her arms around Shane and likewise found herself enfolded by Shane, too, who lifted her up to sit her on the edge of the soundboard. Somewhere the tape was playing, women's voices singing something about kissing ... fucking ... crying ... cheating ... girls ... the way that we li-ive, but Carmen and Shane never heard it. All Shane heard was a low moan in Carmen's throat as she kissed Carmen, felt the heat coming from the girl's warm mouth, her taste, a slight coffee taste, good. Oh so very good. She bent Carmen back over the sound board, still kissing, Shane's tongue searching, licking, probing, feeling Carmen's teeth, Carmen's mouth open and sucking on Shane's tongue. Shane struggled to free herself of her tuxedo jacket and tossed her reading glasses on the control board, never losing contact with this wonderful girl's wonderful mouth even for a second.

Shane's hands reached down, grasped the bottom of Carmen's T-shirt, pulled away from Carmen's mouth, started pulling the T-shirt up over the girl's head, Carmen not resisting, raising her arms. Carmen gasped inside the T-shirt as it came over her head, felt her pussy getting wet, knew the little thong-like panties she wore were rapidly moistening with her juice. God, this man/woman was making her hot. Carmen had never fucked a man in her life, not ever, not even once, never even jacked a boy off or sucked his cock. She was a Gold Star, and perfectly happy about it. She didn't hate men; she was merely indifferent to them, at least as lovers. She had fucked only girls, only women, and been fucked by them, most of them femmes, only a few tops, a dom or two, even a nun, once upon a time. But she was drawn to Shane's androgyny, not Shane's boy thing but her boi thing. Shane was androgynous but without being dykey or butch, not ... masculine. Shane was a girl, no doubt about it, and she was exciting. It was different, different for Carmen, anyway, who usually made love to women who were more girly than Shane. But Carmen liked this one, oh yes she did. This one had made her nipples stiffen from the very first moment she'd laid eyes on her in Arianna's dressing room. And yes, the truth was Carmen hadn't made love with anyone in a couple of months. She was a healthy girl with healthy appetites, and she was overdue. Christ, was she overdue.

The T-shirt came off and there was Shane again, hot Shane, Shane looking at her chest, at her black brassiere and the warm breasts, imagining the hard nipples underneath. Shane's hungry mouth, just an inch away from her own.