She Walked Away

The minute she turned away from him and walked out the room was the minute that everything changed. The candles he had lit in preparation still flickered on the nightstands but instead of illuminating a fantastic night of lovemaking, they cast their glow on his slumped back as he struggled to process what had just happened. His eyes swept the scene once more; the massage oil, the blindfold, and the massage pillow were still waiting to be of service but the sound of her footsteps upstairs testified to the emptiness of the room. His mood plunged into an abyss of loneliness.

She had turned away from him and walked out of the room. His world contracted to that single fact. The one who hated him when he did the same thing had now done just that. She had rejected his amorous advances, offered a half-hearted substitute which he had rejected out of hand and then just turned without a word and walked away. He couldn't begin to comprehend what had just happened. He had wanted to give her a nice massage and he knew it was one of her favorite things and yet even with that in the mix for tonight it hadn't been enough.

Rejection was not unknown to him. On the contrary, it was a common occurrence brought about by his high libido and her significantly lower one. So why should this rejection be any different? He stood up slowly and blew out the candles. The noises above him indicated that she had settled back into her favorite chair and he sagged back onto the bed. Once again she was surfing the web again and choosing the internet over him. His mood dipped lower.

Why did he bother to try and keep the intimacy between them going. Despite his best efforts she wasn't that interested. As she had turned away that thought had screamed through his brain. Sure she made an effort to keep up her end, every two days like clockwork but even that had ceased to keep things going as every sex act devolved into a scheduled transaction, lacking passion or closeness. Twenty years of trying to make it work and she had dismissed him like an irritating fly. He was still amazed. If he had done what she did, she would have cried and yelled about how he just wanted to hurt her and running away wasn't going to solve anything and now she had done that exact thing.

Their sex life was unworkable. That much was now clearly obvious. Unsalvageable. Two people under one roof with two completely separate ideas of intimacy. How had they lasted this long. He was losing his whole life. She had turned away from him and walked out of the room.

An overwhelming sadness descended over his thoughts as he tossed the massage pillow in the corner and tossed everything else into a nearby drawer. He had to get out of here. He couldn't stand the thought of her creeping down the stairs, hoping against hope that he was already asleep so there wouldn't be any kind of confrontation. He stared at a nearby suitcase. Where would he go? He could go to his parents but then he'd have to wake them up and give them some idea of what was happening and he relished that even less than trying to talk this out with the stranger upstairs.

The clock told him the bars were still open. He could catch some pole-dancing action and have a beer or two while he pondered his next move. Maybe grab a hotel room and just turn off the world for a day or two. That would definitely torque her up. She'll accuse me of overreacting, he thought. Well let her. This isn't working for me and if we can't fix it after 20 years, another night of endless discussions won't be any more helpful.

He was tempted to just brush past her and go out while she demanded that he stay and talk it out. He actually doubted she would stop him. Maybe just go out the kitchen door so that there wouldn't be a scene. What would she do then? Try to call him? Leave him alone until he cooled down? She'd probably try to call him. If she didn't it was probably really over between them.

It would give him a chance to hang up on her, ignore her call, try to hurt her as much as he was hurting inside. He wondered whether it was still possible. He used to be able to do it when they had a fight but now he wasn't so sure. Maybe it had all gotten to be too much for her and she'd welcome the respite.

He pictured various phone conversations

"Why are you doing this?

"What do you care?" **Click**

"You know I hate it when you do this?"

"Well I wasn't too thrilled when you walked away"

"That's not fair, I just didn't want to do that tonight, I would have still stayed up."

"On your terms. Well I'm tired of your terms. **Click**

"We can work this out."

"I'm not so sure. We've worked a lot on this and we're really no closer to making it work."

"Is that all we have? Sex? Is that all I am to you?"

"Yep, it's all about you." **Click**

"Come home and let's talk"

"No, I need some time to just think about where we are and where we are going."

"I was tired and I'm no good when I'm tired, you know that."

"Then shutdown your damn computer and get some sleep. We'll talk when I'm ready."

"I want to talk now."

"It's not going to be a very interesting conversation." **Click**

It would all be hurtful. He knew that but the way he felt right now, it couldn't be more hurtful than that.

He sighed. Just a mind game that wouldn't solve anything. He turned out the light and curled up on his side of the bed. He tossed and turned until she finally crept down the stairs and slid onto her side of the bed without a word. He laid there with his eyes open for what seemed like hours, listening to her breathing and picturing the image seared into his mind. She had turned away from him and walked out of the room.