So Far From Yesterday

Philip Johnson

Prologue

Sam and Holly were like most couples in their early thirties and living in South Bend, Indiana. Five days a week it was work, eat and sleep, with the occasional dinner out with friends. Weekends amounted to the typical home owner syndrome of chores here and there, and again, the occasional out for dinner and drinks with friends: Nothing exciting as a rule. Sam's work had him worn out by the weekend so he was quite content to slow down and recoup from his long hours.

Then their lives changed forever when Deidra was born. A beautiful blue eyed copy of her mother with hair so fine and blond it defied description, and Deidra was the personification of pure innocence and perfection.

This was a new world for Sam, but he was soon into the role of father. If they lived carefully, they would be okay on one income and Deidra would grow up happy and protected because Holly didn't return to work after Deidra was born.

Sam talked to Holly over after breakfast coffee and made plans for Saturday to go down and see her parents in Kokomo, and then he was off to Indianapolis to give a speech. It was also the beginning of his nightmare.

Chapter One

His ninety minute speech about perception and reality in advertising was well received. After leaving the podium, he spent the next half hour talking to different people that had approached him, and then made his way to the hotel restaurant to have lunch with his old friend Noah Dailey. They smiled at each other when Sam found Noah, but saved their talking until the hostess had seated them. "Nice talk, Sam."

"Thanks, Noah. How is life treating you?"

"Can't complain and business is okay."

"How is your baby?" Deidra was one of Sam's favorite topics.

He smiled and said, "Five months old tomorrow, and she gets more beautiful everyday."

"I'm sure she is, and how is Holly?"

"Doing well and enjoying staying home with Deidra."

"You have a good life, Sam."

"That I have. You still have the apartment in South Bend?"

"Sure. As much as I'm in South Bend, it's worth having the extra expense."

"I'm sure it is."

They talked about the business climate as they ate and had after dinner coffee before Sam started his two hour drive north and home to his family. He was still smiling to himself when he got a call from Stan, his neighbor on the south side of him. "Sam, where are you?"

"North of Carmel and headed north, why?"

"Just get home soon."

"Stan, what's going on?"

"Just get home. Doreen and I will be waiting for you," and he hung up.

Sam all but threw the phone down saying aloud, "Damn it Stan, at least you could have told me what the hell is going on," and he sped up as much as he dared. The stretch of U.S. thirty one between Carmel and South Bend wasn't heavily patrolled, but every so often they would concentrate on it and nail the speeders.

As always, the drive through Kokomo was agonizing with the many stoplights, and it was now half past three, so traffic was really picking up which further slowed him down. It's known as stoplight city, and for a very good reason.

Whenever he hit the U.S. six intersection as he headed north, he always felt like he was getting close to home, but in reality, he still had almost twenty miles of frustrating driving before he would arrive.

South Bend and adjacent Mishawaka combined couldn't be considered large, but traffic could become quite an issue at times, but just before five Sam made the turn down his street. His first indication of trouble was the fire truck sitting in front of his house. With his driveway blocked by the fire truck, he pulled over to the curb and he saw Stan and Angeline along with his best friend Jeff standing there bundled in their warm coats.

Jeff was first to his feet and was several feet ahead of the neighbors as Sam approached with his eyes on his house. "What the hell happened?" Even with the two hours to think and talk about it while waiting for Sam to get home, they didn't know how to tell him. Sam saw the tears in Jeff's eyes and was getting a sick feeling. Why weren't Holly and Deidra there?

Jeff wiped his eyes with the back of his hands and told him, "Holly and Deidra are gone, Sam. They didn't make it." There was no easy or less painful way to tell him. He had to just spit it out like that. Sam didn't respond. His eyes were on what was left of his house. The firemen were still stirring the debris with the fire hose and there were still wisps of smoke and steam lazily rising in long drifting threads. There was only the lightest trace of a breeze, but it carried the heavy acrid odor of the dying fire to them and that just added to the horror of the moment.

Sam dropped to his knees on the cold ground and stared at his house and sobbed. Angeline knelt next to him and Sam held onto her as they cried together. There were no words that could be said right then. No words of comfort would mean anything and in fact it wasn't likely that Sam would have heard them anyway. The next few days would be a hole in Sam's life. In time, he would look back and not remember how he reacted or what he was thinking.

Sam stayed with Jeff for the next several days. In fact, it was Jeff that helped Sam deal with the insurance company, his office and what few friends he wanted notified about the tragedy. Monday came and still all Sam could do was sit in the living room and look out through the front window. He stared without seeing and he formed no productive thought.

Monday morning he called and left word for the fire marshal to focus on the furnace, because it was a new installation, and in fact, they were still doing the final odds and ends, and to check the alarm system, because that too was new. Along with agony, anger was now his companion.

Monday afternoon, the medical examiner called Sam and told him, "Mr. Anderson, from all indications it appears that Holly and Deidra were unconscious before the fire reached them. Almost certainly, carbon monoxide overtook them at least enough to confuse them, and then the smoke and toxic gases took over before the fire touched them." It was a gruesome image, but Sam took a little solace in the thought that they didn't suffer. Even if the doctor was wrong or was lying, that's what he chose to believe; what he had to believe.

After closing his cell phone, he slammed his hand on the kitchen counter making Jeff jump as he half screamed, "Damn it," and he started to cry again.

It was some time before Sam could tell Jeff what the medical examiner had shared with him.

Still staying with Jeff, Sam picked a realtor at random. Garrett Ludeck's add was large enough to catch his eye and that was good enough. Sam told Mr. Ludeck the essentials of his story and neither of them made mention of it again. Sam was like a robot completing his programmed task: Emotionless and detached, if somewhat less than thorough. He had to have his own place to live. He asked the most relevant questions, walked through the house as though it mattered what the rooms were like or even where they were. The only thing he knew for sure going into the task was he wanted a house. Not a condo or an apartment, but a house. He had to have room to pace. He chose the fourth house he looked at and agreed on the asking price. It was more important to him to have the task behind him than to hassle over a few thousand dollars. It was in his price range, and it was large enough and seemed in good condition. Anything else could be dealt with at some point in the future.

Chapter Two

Sam's robotic efficiency continued on Friday when he hired Anna Ruggles. It would be her task to extract decorating information from distracted and withdrawn Sam, and then apply that information as she decorated and furnished his new house. She'd never worked with a client before that really didn't care what she did, but at the same time, whenever she was working with Sam, she felt like she was playing with fire, like he could lose his self control at any minute. She could almost taste his anger and hurt. Even with the liberties she had been given, this was going to be hard work for her. She liked him and her heart broke for him, but there was little she could do or say to help him. With the real estate agent tagging along, Anna studied, measured, and wrote copious notes as they went from room to room. She had been warned that would be the last time she would see the inside of the house until after the closing.

With that business taken care of, Sam moved into an extended stay motel. Then when Jeff got home from work, Sam told him what he had done. "What's the matter Sam, am I getting on your nerves?"

All he offered was a one word answer, "No."

"Oh, well okay, I understand now."

"Oh fuck off man, I know what I'm doing," and he headed for his car as Jeff gave Sam the finger behind his back. He knew Sam was operating on the edge, but it still pissed him off to have Sam react like that. Four hours later, Jeff's doorbell rang and he found a more or less attractive young woman at his door with a small portable audio player. She handed him a note and stood there smiling and waited while Jeff read the note. "Sorry man, I know I've been an ass, but that was really out of line. Enjoy your sleazy gift and tell me about her later," and he signed it.

Jeff looked up at the still smiling woman and asked her, "How old are you?"

"Twenty. Why, does that make a difference?"

"Only if you're under eighteen. Well, come on in honey, but give me a minute to get a beer and get comfortable." She followed him in and he pointed to the living room and continued on to get his beer. When he returned, she was standing there patiently waiting, but as soon as he was settled in his chair and had tasted his beer, she started the music and for the next four minutes did the bump and grind and rolled and shook her ass as she slowly undressed for him. She smiled and kept her eyes on him as her clothes slowly disappeared. She stopped at her tiny G string so he asked her, "So that stays on?"

"It's against the law for me to get naked."

"Oh. You and I both know I'm not a cop, so...ten bucks for the G string."

Rather than answer she teasingly took it off and let it dangle from her finger as she slowly posed and then turned around until she was smiling at him again.

"Nice, thanks. If you have a card or tell me how to contact you, maybe I'll hire you some day."

She dug into her shorts pocket and still naked handed him a slightly damaged card as she said, "Of course, it's just possible that I could be talked into doing more."

"I thought all of that was against the law."

"So?"

"Thanks hon, but I'm good with how it is now. You do have a nice ass though."

"Thank you."

He slipped her a twenty and watched her dress. She really wasn't bad. No rotting teeth or complexion problems and she did have the firmness of youth on her side. Jeff walked her to the door and patted and felt her ass before letting her out, "Like I said, very nice ass, take care of it."

"I'll do that. Bye Jeff."

"Bye sexy," and he closed the door and went to his phone. As soon as Sam answered Jeff said, "Thanks, very nice way to apologize."

"Yeah, sorry about earlier, and I know I've been a real jerk all along. That's why I had to get out. You don't have to deal with my attitude."

"You doing okay?"

"Who the hell knows, I've never been through anything like this before. I just know I don't really give a shit about anything right now...or anybody it would seem."

"Well, you know where to find me if I can help."

"I'll be in touch," and he hung up.

Sam stayed hidden in his small quarters through the weekend, going out to eat and picking up a few groceries for snacks and coffee to drink. The last thing he needed was alcohol and caffeine, but that didn't stop him from drinking both. Alcohol, being a depressant, mellowed him out to the point that he would sit in the chair and cry. But then, if he was loading up on caffeine, he'd get wired and pace and his anger would crank up to dangerous levels. His anger was fueled even more late Monday morning when he got a call from the fire marshal. Sam closed his office door and listened as he was told, "There's very little doubt the fire started in your furnace. We're still working out the fine details, but that's more a formality at this point. Also, your alarm system wasn't working, did you know that?"

"The same company that was installing the new furnace was supposed to check and upgrade the alarm system. In fact, they were to finish things up this morning."

"Well, that's interesting to know. We'll keep you informed, but the fact the furnace is at fault won't change."

"Thanks for calling." Sam hung up and just sat there as his anger grew even more and all but replaced his heartache, and he was on the phone within the hour talking to Attorney Gerald Hancock's secretary. That was followed with an appointment with Mr. Hancock where he told his story and Sam had do stop a couple of times to collect himself. When he came to the part about Garland Mechanical and specifically Vic Gregory, the guy Sam had worked with and was the boss, Sam's barely controlled anger surfaced. Questions and answers followed and Sam produced the paper work for the furnace installation. It was Sam's good fortune that Jeff had salvaged the fireproof file box a couple of days after the fire. The attorney told Sam that he would talk to the fire marshal and then start to gather information, but Sam could expect an update within a week or so. There was nothing more that could be done, at least for the time being.

Anna called a few days later, so he invited her over where they sat at the kitchen table and went over what she was doing for him as they sipped coffee. She had a calming affect on him for some reason. His rage was still there just under the surface, but he was a perfect gentleman and he even smiled a couple of times as she showed him some of her suggestions. As expected, he rubber stamped whatever she came up with, but he complimented her and even said, "Holly would have enjoyed working with you. She would have liked your style and your taste." That was the first time he had mentioned her name without breaking down.

"I'm glad you approve, and I'm very glad that you think Holly would have approved. Sam, if at any time you change your mind about something, we'll work it out."

"You're doing great Anna and I know I haven't been very involved in any of it, but..."

"I really do understand, Sam. You focus on the things you need to think about, and let me worry about the decorating. Just go with me when we pick out things like the sofa, and the springs and mattress. Nobody can guess what you will think is comfortable, but I'll make it as simple and painless as possible."

"Okay, let me know when." They finished their coffee and then he walked her to the door. Taking her hand in his he said, "Thanks for taking over on all of this. Maybe someday I'll be able to tell you how much you are helping me."

"I'm glad I can help." They traded smiles and he watched her get into her Explorer and drive off.

Chapter Three

Sam finally had the date set for closing on the house. November 8th, so that gave him just ten days to get with Anna again and finish the furnishing and decorating issues. Anna took him to three different furniture stores as they evaluated sofas, and at one point, Sam became a little testy, so Anna put her arm through his and said, "Okay, I'm taking you home. We'll have to do this another time."

He stopped her and told her, "I'm sorry Anna, I'll be okay."

"Will you behave?"

"I'll behave." Then it was on to mattresses, and then they went back to Sam's for coffee. They had become good friends. At work, Sam just managed to be tolerant of others and would retreat to his office and close the door as soon as possible. But with Anna, if something got him mad, he found a way to bury it and move on, or she would call him on it and he'd back down.

It was over coffee at his studio apartment where she said, "I'm asking this as a friend and not your decorator. Sam, why is it you're so full of anger or hate or whatever it is? I could understand if you cried, but why the urge to lash out?"

It was like his nostrils flared and his eyes widened, but he caught himself before saying anything. Anna just watched him in silence letting him know that wasn't a rhetorical question. "I don't know, Anna. I've done a lot of crying, but you're right, I've replaced it with something worse. My temper is just so damn short now and as often as not, I just don't give a damn what other's think of me."

"I can see that."

"Anna, thanks for being so understanding and for standing up to me."

"You're welcome. Now I'm going home and work on the last details so you'll be ready for your new house."

"That's it, a house, not a home."

She stood up and told him, "Sam, you bought a house and I'm helping you furnish the house, and it's my job to make it as homey and comfortable as I can, but only you can make it your home, and that just may take a little time." He walked her to the door again as she said, "Call me after you've signed the papers, and I'll get started on getting things delivered and put in the right place."

"I'll do that, and then I'll take you out for a very fancy dinner," and he patted her ass as he smiled at her. Then he realized what he'd just done.

"Shit," and he jerked his hand back, turned back and started to walk away from her.

She caught up with him and stopped him saying, "Sam, settle down, what you did wasn't a crime."

"God damn it Anna, what the hell was I thinking?" His face was red, but not from embarrassment as he half shouted, "I'm sorry, damn it what the hell is wrong with me anyway?"

"Sam, now just stop and be quiet for a minute. Take a deep breath, my god you're overreacting."

"Where the hell...oh shit, maybe I need a shrink."

"Sam, damn it, sit down because we're going to talk for a minute. We, as in both of us, are going to talk. Not shout, not fall apart, we are going to talk about this, because if we don't you and I won't be able to work together anymore." She all but pushed him down onto the couch and then she sat next to him.

"Damn it Anna, I patted your ass. Where the hell did that come from?"

"I'm going to throw out a wild guess or two. You like me. Okay, so maybe not, but I'm going to say you do." He started to say something, but she cut him off. "Shut up, I'm not done. We've spent quite a few hours together and we get along great. You yourself said that we're friends. I'm not just working for you, we're friends too. Don't look now, but that's a good thing. Now, I'm going out on a limb here, but if you get mad at me, start to shout or have a temper tantrum I'm leaving understand?"

"Yes," and as he started to say more she put her hand on his mouth and said, "Quiet, that's all you need to say for the moment. You are so damn afraid that you're going to forget about Holly. If not forget her, you're afraid that you'll say or do something to disrespect her memory. Okay, so you touched my ass, and yes, technically, that was inappropriate. Don't look now, but I didn't object."

"I didn't give you time."

"It only takes a second to push your hand away or at least give you a disapproving look. I will however, admit you surprised...no, you shocked me. But think about this. Why did that really bother you? Because you were afraid of how I would respond? I don't think so based on how you've been acting, but what do you think. Talk to me Sam, and damn it, be honest with me and yourself."

He was looking down rather than at her as he said, "I don't know why I thought that was appropriate so how am I supposed to know why I even did it?"