tagReviews & EssaysSo, Have You Lived Your Whole Life...

So, Have You Lived Your Whole Life...

byPultoy©

So, have you lived your Whole life in Colorado, Then?

No, not yet.

This is the end. From dust you've come; to dust you shall return. But, what about awareness, awakeness? What about those memories without foundational experiences; that sense that I've been here, something is familiar, but...what?

My stomach burns with hunger. Every time I ejaculate I have to eat shortly afterwards. It takes a lot of protein to keep my big, heavy balls full, and I'm too addicted to ejaculation to ever ignore them.

The internet ends here...this is the last page on the internet. Shut it off when you have finished this page, it is all over, there is nothing more for you here.

"Go to sleep now, my child, just go to sleep... "

"But I can't get my head under my wing."

______________________________________

Why, at sixty two years old, am I having such trouble sleeping? My night time thoughts plague me;

"What will become of me?"

"To what purpose am I committed?"

"Shall I fulfill a small part of a greater - than - me plan?"

"Is my assignment being carried out correctly?"

"Don't I need more understanding to be able to fulfill my destiny?"

"Shall I die and not live, indeed?"

"Am I responsible for those weaker ones?"

"Who's responsible for me, then?"

My torments really never subside. From time to time I shove them aside to actually live in some moment, but they are my companions. They dog me, they track me, and they hunt my peace of mind. They always find a way to influence me, to channel my thinking.

Those bitter ones, they say God is dead. They suggest it is weakness to turn to an unknown God when so much hard evidence exists disproving this and proving that.

Then, in a few years, "Oh, coffee IS actually quite good for you, salt is not bad, alcohol is beneficial after all, eggs play an important part in healthy diets," and so on and so forth.

My own baby brother, 5 years my junior told me, "I've learned that I should not eat anything white, and I haven't. I eat no potatoes, no wheat, no cauliflower, no bananas, no pork, and no milk...nothing white." "You should try that."

He was so healthy, thin and fit, when he said that, and I so ill with heart disease, diabetes, kidney failure. He was dead one month to the day later, at 55, suddenly, unexpectedly, undiagnosed. He dropped over dead without warning. What a shock! That was 3 years ago.

So, I have reasoned that science is only guessing. Which is what I'm doing, guessing. I must be a scientist, too.

Ok, based on that premise, what do I know?

I know that sometimes I sense that I am ok, that I am part of a Master Plan and that it is on schedule. But, mostly I worry that I am out of the link. I think I fail to believe.

I sense that my time here, give or take 70 years like everyone else, is really only a tiny fleck in eternity.

I sense that something that happens here, in those 70 years affects eternity for me, that the energy of some understanding that I gain, some knowledge about things unseen carries an energy for me into the everlasting, as part of something grand.

What I don't know is exactly what that is. But it has to do with belief.

Ok, I also know a few other things. I am soothed by the comforting words of Psalms, of Proverbs. I love the stories of Kings and Samuel. I read with passion the words of Genesis and Daniel and Ezekiel, Hebrews and Revelations.

I feel like I'm reading a Holy diary when I read Isaiah, Jeremiah, Exodus and Judges.

In the New Testament, I am knocked over by the sensibility of eternal thinking in the words of Jesus, Paul, Peter, John and others. They whisper a secret into the ears of my soul that soothes the savage beast in me, which vies against me.

Those torments that stalk me, they are kept at bay, they are powerless, I am protected. A wall of protection is built around me as I read those words.

I ask: So, how could such diverse writings be so powerful? It's just a simple question; Sixty six books, written over how many centuries by differing men with differing influences imposed on them?

How could that collection of thoughts, poems, sayings, principals, historical record, be the answer to mankind for that which dogs him from age to age; how could that be, if not authored by One intelligent Being?

For, it had to be written so that men who could fly today would be served as well as men who could barely get from place to place then. It had to serve the ill and the well, the rich and the poor; mostly it had to endure the ages.

It is enriched with enduring Truth that never changes and that feeds men's hungry souls. Emaciated as we are for some morsel of absolute that we can grasp onto and that will keep us afloat in this sea of doubt, derision and fear, I have discovered what I identify as Eternal and I'm hitching my wagon to it.

Thank you for reading my thoughts on this twilight in which we have our being.

-Pultoy

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