Sorry Charlie

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leapyearguy
leapyearguy
2,210 Followers

"WHAT DID YOU SAY!" she yelled.

"I said, Bob was a big mouthed son-of-a..."

She interrupted back, "No, the other part"

"He had no right..."

"Goddamn it Charlie, the other, other part."

"I'm dying?" I said, hoping that was the part she kept asking about.

"Oh God No!" the color had drained totally from her face, and she fainted.

I saw no point in continuing this charade, if she wasn't going to stay awake long enough for me to talk with her, I might as well go play golf.

I wasn't interested in playing a full eighteen holes, so I grabbed my Big Bertha driver from my bag. What I really felt like doing was hitting a couple of balls around Bob's office, unfortunately for Bob, the balls I wanted to hit were attached to him.

It was a lucky thing for him that he wasn't at work, but not so lucky for me. When the cops finally found me at the Golf Emporium, I was selecting a new Bigger Big Bertha. My old one didn't hold up to the task of smashing in his office door.

Did you know, the police won't let you take golf equipment into your cell after you've been arrested? Neither did I, it's a stupid rule if you ask me. What did they think I was going to do, hit somebody? They gave me one phone call, so I called Dominos for a pizza.

Before the pizza arrived, Mary showed up. Bob walked in right behind her, this really ticked me off, one pizza is barely enough for two.

The guard opened my cell door, and told me I was free to go. "Go where," I thought.

Bob opened his big mouth first, "Charlie, you have to listen real carefully. I know you're upset, but I have some great news for you. You're not going to die, at least not any time soon. There was a problem at the lab with the computer, you're ok Charlie, you're ok," he said enthusiastically, and waited for my reaction.

I didn't move, that was the worst possible news he could have told me. Now I had to live with the thought of Mary cheating on me for another thirty years, fuck.

Mary chipped in, "Isn't that great news honey?"

"Yeah, fucking swell. Is my pizza here yet?" I asked.

"Didn't you hear Bob, sweetie? You're not going to die," she beamed.

"Yeah, I heard him, but it changes nothing. My life is still over, only now, I get live along time and experience the misery day after day," I grumbled.

Bob looked at Mary and asked, "Has he always talked gibberish, or is this a fairly recent development?"

Mary ignored Bob, grabbed me by the shoulders and started shaking me, "Charlie, Charlie, snap out of it. Why are you acting like such a horse's ass?"

"Mary," I paused, "What did I ever do to cause you to cheat on me, was I such a bad husband?"

"Cheat on you? Bob we've got to get him to a doctor quick, he's losing his mind," she said, as Bob nodded in agreement.

"That may very well be true Mary, but it doesn't explain the condom wrappers I found in your purse."

"Do you mean the ones I used for balloons at your birthday party, those condoms, Charlie? You didn't really think... Oh Charlie, why didn't you just ask me?" she replied, with sadness in her eyes.

I thought back to my party, and Bob paid the pizza guy. There were balloons weren't there? No, they were rubbers, oh shit... This is not good, now that I was going to live, I was so, so dead... "Mary is going to fucking kill me when she finds out about her mother and sister" I thought to myself. Oh Lord, take me now, I've been a bad, bad boy.

Mary hadn't cheated on me after all, and the melon-coma machine was on the fritz, you just can't trust anyone any more. First my doctor, and then my own eyes. The lying bastards, I should sue both of them for mal-cactus.

What would Mary do in this predicament? She'd undoubtedly come straight to me and tell me, I owed her the same. I wasn't about to try and come up with some lame reason, the truth was going to be hard enough for her to swallow.

Plan D, confess to Mary. When we got home from the Iron Bar Hotel, I sat Mary down in my easy chair. I went to the kitchen and poured Mary a Big Gulp Chardonnay, she would probably need it before I finished my confession.

Before I could open my mouth, Mary took the lead, "Charlie, you don't have to say any thing. You are the most important thing in my life, and I love you no matter what. You were under a tremendous amount of stress, it's amazing that you held together as well as you did, considering the pressure you put on yourself. The only thing I'm sorry about is that you didn't come to me and let me in, it hurts Charlie."

"Please believe me Mary, I tried, I really tried. The house was full of people, I never had the opportunity. Then when I found the condom wrappers, I..." Mary stopped me.

"Charlie, I know you did, now. I remember how miserable you were at your own birthday party. I'm so sorry Charlie, how can I ever make that up to you? I was so selfish."

"Mary, for God's sake, stop interrupting. I have to get this off my chest before I have a coronary..."

She did it again, she fuckin' interrupted me, "Which is it Charlie, are you going to tell me about Mom, or Karen?"

I took Mary's cup and swallowed the contents, all thirty-two ounces, "You already know??? Do you want me to pack my things now, or will the morning be soon enough?" I stammered.

Mary reared back and slapped my face, "Look Charlie, I've taken a boat load of crap from you this week, and I've forgiven you for all of it. If you don't start acting like the man I married again, well, you don't want to know what I'll do then."

"You slapped me," I said with surprise.

"Yes I did, and I'll do it again if you ever push me away like that again. Charlie, I think of you with every breath I take. When you told me you were dying, the way you did, I died too. I fully understand now what you did, not that I like it, but I understand it," she stated.

"I'm so ashamed of myself, I don't deserve..." she fuckin' did it again. She interrupted my apology, this was starting to piss me off.

"Yes you do sweetie, and you deserve a whole lot more. Now take me to bed, or do you want me to call Mom... You know, she told me to tell you that you have a cute penis... I think so too," she kissed my forehead.

Cute! I'll show her who's cute. A mans cock is not cute, it's a weapon! I threw Mary over my shoulder, and without thinking carried her out to the garage. You make love in the bedroom, so I fucked Mary in the garage. Let's just see if she thought that was cute. Then I took her in the tool shed too, that one was for her mother's smart assed remark. We tore the shit out of the flower garden next, that was for the humiliation her lesbo sister put me through.

As Mary was trying to pull a geranium out of her butt crack, I asked "Well, have you had enough, or is it still cute?"

"Aren't you still mad at Bob, maybe we could do it in the attic next? That would sure teach him a lesson." she said throwing her arms around my neck.

That turned out to be a bad idea, after the ceiling caved in we ended up in the bedroom anyway. But we sure taught Bob three or four things, and we're going to do it some more if Mary can get me hard again.

So you might ask me, why now am I sitting in this bar? Well, Karen asked me to stand up for her at her wedding this weekend, I don't know whether I'm the best man, or the maid of honor. I'm trying to get enough courage to get my legs waxed, just in case Karen is the bride. I wouldn't want to make a mockery out of the bridesmaid dress they've chosen.

leapyearguy
leapyearguy
2,210 Followers
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AnonymousAnonymous2 months ago

Getting better mate Keep up the good work (jaybee186)

whateverittakeswhateverittakes12 months ago

I love your stories but your humor escapes me. This was too stupid for words.

NitpicNitpicabout 1 year ago
Load

Load of crap.Why would she use condoms for balloons and why would she keep the empty wrappers?.All the same I think he should keep an eye on her.

skruff101skruff101over 1 year ago

Anyone who didn’t find this funny has clearly been brought up on reality TV which isn’t remotely interesting let alone amusing, of course the possibility exists they are lobotomy patients and having part of the frontal lobe removed is going to make the most fun loving individuals a little…off.

AnonymousAnonymousover 1 year ago

There was absolutely nothing even remotely funny or amusing in this story.

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