Sound Mind and Body

"Gray, I can't."

"Oh." Gray stood up, he felt betrayed, let down, humiliated and then as Ben put his hand on his shoulder he was turned to face him.

"I'll stay, but I can't do it for just tonight. If I stay it means we're gonna try and make a go of this. I know you're scared and the last thing I want to do is make things worse, but if it's only a one night stand then you've got the wrong guy."

There were tears in Gray's eyes as Ben finished talking and carefully the older man ran a thumb across his lips before leaning in and tenderly, so tenderly, kissing him.

Gray thought he would collapse in a boneless heap. It had been so long since he'd felt anything other than hopelessness, loneliness and despair that the emotions the kiss released overwhelmed him and he leant into Ben's strong body, letting the other man hold him up.

"Shhh, baby, it's alright, slow and gentle, I'm in no hurry." He ran his fingers into Gray's long hair, twisting it as he did so and causing his companion to gasp.

"Bedroom, we need to be in the bedroom." Gray backed away from Ben but the stronger man didn't relax his grip, instead he moved as if they were one into the only room in the flat he had yet to see and let himself be manoeuvred onto the bed. He saw a picture on the nightstand and knew, instinctively, it was Simon. He said nothing but hoped the presence of the other man wouldn't hinder Gray's recovery.

As Ben's mind processed his thoughts he saw Gray reach out, smile apologetically and turn Simon's face to the wall. Then he leant over Ben's supine figure and hesitantly kissed him back.

"Love me, Ben, it's been so long." The words were almost a plea and Ben nodded, not trusting himself to speak. He pushed himself up on his elbows and carefully moved so that he was able to undo the buttons on Gray's shirt. As he revealed each portion of chest he leant in and kissed the skin. It was a pale golden colour and had a light sprinkling of hair across it. When all the buttons were open he pulled at the material until it came free from the grey trousers before removing it completely and throwing it to the floor.

"Tell me what you like, baby, help me please you."

"Touch, just want you to touch me." Gray looked up into Ben's eyes and the older man could see his face was relaxed and, encouraged by this, he moved over and began to tongue a soft brown nipple. "Ohhhh, yesss, Ben." Gray's body raised from the mattress as his hands grasped the sheets. "Feels so good."

"Can I?" Ben placed a hand on Gray's waistband, he didn't want to go further if it would spoil things but when he received a nod as an answer he quickly got rid of the rest of Gray's clothing. "So beautiful, you are so beautiful, I knew you would be." Ben lapped at Gray's skin; the hairs were soft, silky and tickled his tongue. Gray writhed beneath him, every neglected nerve ending on fire as they received long ago forgotten stimulation.

"Let me see you, Ben, I want to look at you."

Ben needed no more encouragement; he growled his response, almost ripping at his clothes in his haste to remove them. His own body was almost hairless. His chest was bare naturally but he shaved around his cock and balls, liking the feeling of air against his skin as he slept.

"Oh, God, Ben." Gray's words failed him, he was looking at an Adonis, an Adonis who wanted to be with him, and he held his arms out, almost in supplication and pulled Ben close to him.

Their lips met again but this time Ben was granted entry and his tongue danced with Gray's, their bodies rubbing against each other as they kissed and he felt Gray's breathing rate increase. He knew the younger man was close to cumming and that once he had all this would be over. He moved back and then gently kissed him again, this time on his forehead.

"Slowly, it's been a while for me too, let me touch you."

"Yes, Ben, touch me, let me feel you, please. Arghhh." The warm hand was suddenly around his cock, he wasn't that big, maybe six, six and a half inches and Ben's large hands covered almost all of him. Slowly he began to move back and forth, catching the pre-cum, which was leaking copiously from the head of Gray's dick, and lubricating the length with it. Gray was moaning continually, his hands grasping and ungrasping the sheets, his head moving from side to side, almost as if he had no idea what to do with the rest of his body while he was suffused in such pleasure.

"Gonna cum, Ben, can't ... can't ... Nnnnghhh, oh, fuck! BEN!" His load shot from his body in long hot spurts, and splattered across his chest. Gray's body jerked and spasmed as he let go of his inhibitions and as he finally began to slow down he collapsed into the mattress, unaware of anything and everything.

Ben sat back on his haunches, fulfilled but still in need of release. He began to jack himself off, watching Gray's beautiful body as he did so, and then saw his lover's eyes open.

"Cum on me, Ben, let me feel your spunk mix with mine." The sight of Gray naked before him, his cum sparkling on the soft hairs was almost enough on its own, but when Gray invited him to cum it was all he needed. With a cry of his own Ben's hand sped up and only a minute or so later he roared his completion.

"Yeah, baby, yeah, now, on your hot body, baby, ohhhh, God, Gray, urghhh." His own release wasn't as powerful or long as Gray's but it robbed Ben of what strength he had and he flopped down beside Gray, his hand moving to scoop up some of the cum so he could taste it. Gray watched, turned on beyond belief by what Ben was doing.

"Oh, shit, Ben, feed me too, let me taste you." He stuck his tongue out to catch the drips hanging from the older man's fingers and then, when he had sucked them clean, watched Ben finish by licking up the remaining spunk from his chest.

"Come here, baby." Ben moved slightly so that Gray could lie against him and watched with pleasure as the younger man snuggled up, resting his head against Ben's chest before smiling a very satisfied smile and closing his eyes. Ben knew there would be guilt following what they had done, but he'd deal with that in the morning, for now both of them needed to answer the call sleep was making, and he too closed his eyes, wondering as he did so whether Gray felt as complete as he did.

"Simon, please, no, let him go. No!" Ben was suddenly awake, seeing Gray sitting up, shaking, his head in his hands and he reached out to him.

"It's a dream, Gray, just a dream."

"I ... I know and I'm sorry." Gray couldn't look at Ben, couldn't touch him and so instead he turned his back, leaving the older man feeling bereft. He closed his eyes again and hoped sleep would save him.

It was the sound of crying that woke Ben the following morning and he looked over to the empty side of the bed with a curse. He'd meant to wake before Gray. He'd wanted to be there to take him back into his arms and help him deal with the fallout from their lovemaking and then the nightmare of the night before, but it hadn't happened that way at all.

He climbed off the bed, grabbed his boxers from the floor and stepped into them. He then padded into the living room to see Gray, still naked, sitting in one of the armchairs, his legs up against his chest with arms clasped around them, rocking back and forwards as the tears flooded his face.

"Oh, baby, no. It's gonna be ok. Shhh." He reached out and this time took Gray into his arms, his skin rebelling slightly at the chilled, cold body he held.

"Help me, Ben, I feel so guilty. Simon ... how could I do that to him?"

"Come over onto the couch, let me hold you there, ok?" he was relieved to see Gray nod and so he gathered him up and carefully walked him the few steps to the soft, comfy cream sofa that matched the chair. He pulled the throw that was folded across the back down and wrapped it around them both. "Look at me, Gray, and let me talk. I don't want to hurt or upset you, just help. Will you let me?"

"Ok. But ... don't ask, you know, please." Gray looked down at where his hands were, but the blanket hid them and so he stared at that instead.

"I won't." He paused, knowing that he needed to be careful what he said. "Gray, if it had been you who'd died, would you have wanted Simon to stay celibate the rest of his life?"

There was silence for a long while; Ben wasn't worried because he knew Gray was still with him, hadn't retreated to somewhere he couldn't reach him and so he waited.

"Maybe, yes. No. I don't know, Ben. No, I wouldn't want him to feel as alone as I've felt. To dream like I do. I loved him, still love him, how could I want him to suffer that way?

"He wouldn't want you to suffer either. You know that, deep down, don't you?" If he was honest Ben didn't know that himself, but he did know Gray and couldn't see him loving a man heartless enough to wish for him to be alone for the rest of his life.

"I wanted you so bad last night, I couldn't believe you wanted me too, but you did. It all seemed so right, but the dream and then this morning, when I turned his picture back round, I just felt so guilty, so unworthy. I'm sorry."

"Don't be. Gray, I knew you were going to feel bad this morning; I even tried to tell myself to wake up before you so I could be ready, but I failed miserably."

"No, you're here now, you didn't love and leave me, I ... I couldn't have coped with that." The tears came back as Gray spoke, but this time they were for him and Ben, not him and Simon, and Ben smiled.

"I don't cut and run, never have, never will. I told you last night that it wouldn't be a one night stand, and trust me nothing's changed."

"Thank you." Gray snuggled closer to Ben and for a long while they just sat together, each man warming the other as their bond grew. Finally, as the sound of Monday morning traffic reached their ears Ben spoke again.

"I guess I'll take today off then. I think you need the company. Besides, the cricket'll be on soon."

"Yeah, I'd like that. I have my appointment with Marcia though. Will you come with me? Into the building I mean."

Ben nodded and then watched as Gray, relaxing more by the second, tried to cover a yawn.

"Have another half hour, sweetie, I'm gonna grab a shower and put the coffee on. We can leave after that, ok?" He was rewarded with a nod and then Gray closed his eyes again. Ben kissed him tenderly on the lips, slipped out of the blanket and wound it around the sleeping man's body before heading off to do as he'd said.

They'd enjoyed the cricket on the radio in Gray's car on the way into Central London. As they'd anticipated the previous evening England won in the first hour and they'd sung along to the music on Radio 2 on the way home instead of listening to the sport's phone-in that Radio 5 was presenting. Their regular coffee stop had been all the more enjoyable now they were a couple and Mary, who ran the café, had had their orders ready for them as they arrived. Gray had told her the following Monday he would be back in school but they planned to come in on Saturdays instead.

Their routine changed slightly when Gray returned to work but their relationship grew stronger. Ben didn't press his lover to tell him about his past, nor did he pressurise him to take their sexual relationship anywhere he didn't want to. His feelings for Grayling were getting stronger all the time and he knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that it was worth taking everything at Gray's pace.

When the cricket season turned into the football season Gray found himself cheering Ben on from the touchline most Saturday afternoons before they either spent the evening laughing and joking in a local pub or curled up together in one home or the other just enjoying each other's company.

By the time the October half term came round they were talking about taking a holiday, just a day or two, maybe to Paris. They had discussed it all the way home in Gray's car from their latest football defeat with Ben doing his best to convince Gray that he would be able to converse like a native when everything changed.

They were laughing and relaxed without any of the guilt that had so beleaguered Gray at the beginning of their relationship when, cold and in need of hot coffee, they exited the lift in Gray's building and Ben felt his lover's body stiffen.

"No." The one word brought all the fear back into Gray and Ben's lives. Ben had no idea what the problem was, only that there was a man standing at Gray's door, an official looking man, with a very grim look on his face who seemed to be able to bypass the doorman with no trouble.

"Mr. Watson, nice to see you again." The man took two steps forward and shook Gray by the hand before turning to Ben. "And you are?"

"Ben Marsh, I didn't get your name." Ben was immediately on the defensive. This man appeared able to undo all the good that had been done to Gray over the summer and autumn in a minute flat. For that reason alone he instantly disliked him.

"Chief Inspector Nelson. Mr. Watson, we need to talk, privately." The man looked pointedly at Ben but Gray shook his head.

"No, unless you want to go, Ben, I'd like you to stay." Gray grasped hold of Ben's hand as he spoke and sighed in relief as he saw him nod.

"Of course, baby, you know I will." Ben had deliberately used the term of endearment. He wanted this cop to know he and Gray were together, and that he wasn't about to let his lover be pushed around. He was certain Gray wasn't in trouble with the law, but even if he was, he was still staying.

"Very well, could we go in do you think?" The policeman looked anything but happy as he stepped back and let Gray unlock his front door, and then the three of them went inside, all the relaxed happiness of the last few hours gone as if it had never been.

For the first time since the day they had met the atmosphere as Ben sat next to Gray on the sofa was tense. He tried to relax so that he could give his lover the support he needed and put his arm around Grayling as he felt him lean into him.

"I felt it was better to come and see you personally, Sir, rather than phone, but I think you can guess the reason for my visit."

Gray nodded his head but said nothing and after a moment the policeman continued speaking.

"Paul Mayerling was released from jail this morning. We have no idea where he is now."

Again Gray nodded but said nothing. Words didn't seem able to convey the feelings that were coursing through his body. The fear of seeing Mayerling again had disappeared a long while ago, but only because he'd felt safe while he was incarcerated. That safety had now been ripped away by the system supposed to protect him and he knew the man would come after him, would search and find him, and Ben would be the next one to die.

"He doesn't know where you live, does he?" CI Nelson had taken his notebook out and was writing a few lines as he spoke.

"I ... I don't think so. He knows where I work though. He wrote to me there a few times." The memories scared Gray so much that Ben felt him slump against him.

"What?" Chief Inspector Nelson's one word made both men jump with its intensity.

"I didn't tell anyone, I never opened the letters, not after the first one, they stopped in the end." Gray looked down, he knew he should have contacted someone, but he'd been so scared, and ignoring the facts had been the easiest way to deal with the problem.

"I don't suppose you kept any of them?" The tone of voice told Ben and Gray that the policeman expected a negative answer.

"No, I can tell you what the first one said though. He told me I was his, would always be his and it didn't matter whether I thought I was with someone else, I wasn't and never would be." There were tears in Gray's eyes as he finished talking and he turned his head into Ben's body.

"Gray, you have to take time off, a sabbatical, whatever you want to call it and move in with me, or I'll come here. I'm not letting you be alone, not when I can be with you." Ben took Gray's hand into his own, his thumb slowly caressing the back of it in an unconscious gesture of love. "Gray, you told me yourself you don't need to work, so don't, just for a while at least."

Ben remembered the conversation they'd had a month or two earlier. He'd casually mentioned the luxurious home Gray had and been told that an inheritance from a very wealthy grandfather had meant he had money enough to last him his whole life, and he could in fact live far more comfortably than he presently chose to if he wanted. Gray had explained how he could become a total couch potato until he was eighty and still have money to pass on to his heirs when his own time came.

Gray felt everything he had gained slipping away from him. The life he had found with Ben had been everything he thought he'd lost forever and now it looked like he was right. The thought of Ben being hurt or worse was the final straw for him.

"I ... I don't know what to do, I have to think, God, I can't, no, this can't be happening, not again. Ben, I'm sorry." Gray suddenly stood up, pulling away from his lover and then he left the room. The door to his bedroom slammed and Ben and CI Nelson looked at each other in silence, both, in their way, worrying about the younger man.

"So, are you going to tell me what's going on?" Ben finally spoke, unable to bear the stillness any longer.

"You mean Mr. Watson hasn't?" The guards came up in Nelson's mind as soon as he heard the man sitting opposite him speak.

"No, he hasn't. All I know is that Simon died; I'm guessing that he didn't just die, he was killed. Look, it's taken Gray, Grayling, over four years to get to the point where you saw him this morning. I need to know what happened so I can help him."

"Who are you, Mr. Marsh?" Brian Nelson looked intently at the young man he was meeting for the first time. He seemed genuinely concerned about Grayling Watson and for that he was very glad, but he couldn't, wouldn't, tell him anything about what had happened to Simon Preston, that wasn't up to him.

"I'm Gray's boyfriend, we haven't been together very long but I have no plans to be going anywhere. I ..." Ben paused for a moment, aware he was about to make a declaration someone else should be hearing. "I love him, but... well, I haven't told him yet. I don't want to scare him, he's been that way for too long."

"What do you do for a living? Did you know Simon Preston?"

"No, I didn't know him, I didn't even know that was his last name 'til you told me, I'm a taxi driver, black cabs, that's how I met Gray." Ben was aware he was being interrogated and tried to be as helpful as he could.

"I'm not about to tell you anything that Gray wouldn't, but I will say this, Paul Mayerling is an extremely dangerous young man. If you can get Mr. Watson to move out of London you would be doing him an enormous favour." The detective got to his feet as he finished speaking. "My card. Call me, day or night, if you feel there is any danger. I wish I could do more, but until he offends again my hands are tied."

Ben showed Chief Inspector Nelson out of the flat and watched from the doorway until the lift closed and hid him from view, then he turned and went back inside, wondering what if anything he would find out from Gray if he asked.

The silence that had been so awkward between Ben and CI Nelson enveloped him again as he stood alone in the hallway. With a deep sigh he walked towards the bedroom door and slowly opened it.

"Gray, can I come in?" Ben received just a nod and so he made his way over and knelt in front of his lover who was sat on a wicker chair the two of them had bought a fortnight ago from Camden market.

"Talk to me, baby, it's finally time, I need to know what happened." Ben reached up, there were tears on Gray's cheek and he gently brushed them away.

"I can't, Ben, it ... I see it, so clearly, but I can't."