Spaceship, Spacemen, and Sex

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Alien visit inspires Freddie to write funnier stories.
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It was a coincidental occasion that I found myself alone one night last week and sitting out on my back porch enjoying the evening air while sipping my favorite drink, 21-year-old Glenlevit single malt scotch. Ah, life is good when you are getting relaxed with a buzz while listening to the Red Sox beat the Minnesota Twins on the radio.

My girlfriend was at the mall testing the limit of her credit card in the new shoe store there. I convinced her to wear a very short skirt that flashed her white panties every time she sat and/or crossed and uncrossed her shapely legs while being helped to try on shoes and a loose top that showed her curvaceous B cup tits each time she leaned forward to adjust her shoes. Then, when she came home, I told her that I would reimburse her shoe purchase if she told me what happened when she continually flashed the shoe salesman her panty clad pussy and her set of knockers.

A full moon gave eeriness to an otherwise pleasant evening. It was one of those big, bright yellow moons. It looked like a Harvest moon. That is, at least, I thought it was a full moon until it started moving at a high rate of speed across the blackness of the night sky. As I watched this strangely historical occurrence, I had a difficult time wrapping my mind around the full moon flying sideways through the sky at a speed of a shooting star or a comet. Everything went through my mind just as fast as the moon flew past my line of vision.

What if there is something wrong with gravity? What if the moon crashes and explodes? What if we no longer have a moon? How will not having a moon affect life on Earth? No more tides? Weather? Seasons? No more songs about the moon? Where would the man in the moon live? Romance in a parked car by the light of a full moon will vanish. Werewolves will have to live their lives as normal men? Is Halloween suddenly a holiday no longer celebrated? Witches will have nothing as a backdrop as they fly by on their broomsticks. Mood changes can no longer be attributed to and blamed on a full moon and moody people will now have to take full responsibility for their own insanity. Further, I even suspected without a moon, life on Earth may be in peril.

"God help us!"

Then, when I turned my head to look the other way, there high up in the sky was the moon, the real moon, a full, yellow, harvest moon.

"WTF! Two moons?"

There was only one explanation. It had to be a flying saucer and I am witness to an unidentified flying object, a UFO. Certainly, this is proof that there is life elsewhere in the vast universe. I wonder what they look like. I wonder if they are friendly. I wonder what their women look like. I wonder if they are friendly, if you know what I mean. You know what I mean. It is one thing to nail a Black woman or an Asian woman when you are a Caucasian man, but an Alien woman, wow! Now, that's, well...out of this world.

"Yeah, so I met this space girl, an Alien female being, from the other side of Venus," I said imagining having a conversation with my friend. "She's is not much to look at being green and all but she has a rack of six tits and she can't get enough of my cock."

"Six tits? She sounds like my kind of woman, Freddie."

"Yeah, so she told me that her kind no longer have physical sex. Whenever they get horny, they just imagine copulating with someone from the opposite sex or the same sex and it is like having real sex."

"No kidding. It's kind of like the Woody Allen movie, Everything You Wanted To Know About Sex."

"Woody Allen? Yeah, kind of, but not really. Anyway, if they want to get pregnant and have a baby, they go to the store like a CVS or something and buy a sperm shot that list the type of baby that they will have."

"So," asked my friend, "how is she different from having sex with a human?"

"Well, when I am done using her to satisfy my every sexual need, I tell her to imagine herself getting off and she does. It is excitingly weird to watch her wiggling her green alien ass all over the bed having orgasm after orgasm, as I get dressed."

"Now, that's my kind of perfect woman," said my friend, "she does you and then does herself."

Then, I figured it was something the military was testing. There's an Air Force base not very far from my house and who knows what they are working with there. They have a bunch of hot shot pilots who routinely buzz my house and/or fly beneath the bridge. Boy if they were ever caught doing that, they'd be booted out of the military. Yeah, it's probably an experimental Air Force aircraft that they test at night hoping no one will see it.

I decided against having another scotch and rubbed my eyes figuring that I was hallucinating or that I was drunk. I mean, I've never seen a flying saucer before and, after watching it for a while growing bigger and bigger and glowing brighter and brighter and spinning faster and faster and looming closer and closer, this thing looked like it was coming straight at me. I was too fascinated with its approach to bolt. Where would I go anyway? I figured, if it hit my house, I was a goner. It looked like a Frisbee only much bigger and thicker and spinning faster with a quiet whizzing sound not unlike a garbage disposal makes when you run it without water. Sure enough, this yellow glowing disc was coming nearer and nearer until it perfectly landed in a cloud of dusty dirt in my backyard.

I was frozen in place. I didn't know what to do. I was scared shitless. I didn't even have time to run in the house and get my camera. There it was parked in my backyard smoking and glowing. The sleek design of it did nothing for the character of my house, a 1915 Tudor. It was all so surreal.

I watched as the lights outside of the spacecraft illuminated everything within a hundred yards like it was daylight. Suddenly, the door to the flying saucer opened with a whoosh and a ramp eased itself out from underneath. I felt like I was watching Star Trek, only I did not have Spock beside me to help me to communicate with the aliens. A couple of guys emerged, one wearing a Red Sox t-shirt and the other wearing a shirt of the universe that read, you are here with an arrow pointing down his belly to his pecker.

"How you guys doin?" I waved and stood wondering if I had time to make a mad dash for the shotgun before they vaporized me with a laser. "Peace," I said giving them the universal, I hoped, peace sign.

"Good," said the one in the Sox shirt. He looked around my backyard. "Yeah, we're doing alright." He got down on the ground and kissed it. "I mean, anytime you land one of these saucers is a crapshoot. Aerodynamically, they are not very stable." He turned and looked back at the saucer. "They should have stayed with the wing instead of the disc, if you ask me but hey, what do I know, I just fly the craft. Don't ask the pilot for his suggestion."

"Yeah, Victoria's Secrets to you, too, buddy," said the other making the V sign with his fingers. He looked at his friend. "Knock it off. You're going to give this guy the wrong impression of us." He looked at me. "He's just having a bit of fun with you." They both laughed.

"Great night for a flight," I said looking up at the cloudless sky still wondering if I had time to make it to the shotgun. I'd never load the thing in time. Besides, I don't remember where I put the shells, that is, if I even have any left after scaring off those crows.

"Yeah, there are plenty of stars out to help guide our way," said the other guy wearing the shirt of the universe.

"Are you guys with the Air Force?"

"Air Force? United States Air force?"

"Yeah."

"Nah," he looked to the guy wearing the Sox shirt, "we're aliens."

"Aliens? You don't look like aliens. You like regular guys."

"It is your descriptive perception of us that is myopically mirrored back as to how we should look. If you thought of us as looking like little, green men, they we would appear as little, green men."

"I see. Interesting. So, you guys lost?"

"Nope," said the first guy, "we are here to see you."

"You are?" I rubbed my chin. "Why me?"

"We know who you are," said the other guy, "We've been reading all of your stories on Literotica."

"No, shit," I said pouring myself a scotch. "You get Literotica in deep space?"

"Your stories are out of this world?"

"Literally or figuratively?"

"Both."

"Really? No kiddin'. Well, thank you, thank you very much. It's gratifying to know that I am read and enjoyed in other languages."

"You are a big hit on Pluto and Neptune," said the guy wearing the Sox t-shirt.

"Pluto? Neptune? No kidding. I'm just glad there is no planet Goofy. I'm sure I'd be a smash there," I said with a laugh.

"Ha! Ha! Ha! Goofy, that's funny Freddie," said the guy in the Sox shirt. He nudged the other guy. "See, I told you he was a funny bastard."

"Yeah, that was funny making the leap from Pluto to Goofy as a planet. I get it."

They both continued laughing. Actually, I didn't think it was that funny but they did.

"So, judging by you two standing here before me, there's other life in this galaxy?"

The looked at one another and laughed again.

"Life? Well, yeah, in a manner of speaking," said the guy wearing the Universe t-shirt. "Still, whatever form of life source that they are and, of course, we are, they and we all love reading your work."

"I had no idea my fan base spread throughout the universe." I removed my baseball cap to scratch my head and put it back on before continuing. "Now, that would explain some of the comments I've been getting, especially from this one guy, Jimbo. I thought he was from the United Kingdom. I had no idea he was from another world. His sense of humor makes sense, now. Definitely, this guy is an alien life form. He's way out there."

"Jimbo?" He looked to his friend. "We know Jimbo. Yeah, he's one of us, a space alien," said Universe guy.

"Yeah," said the Sox guy, "your humor fits right in with how we aliens think."

"Seriously? Well, thank you." I looked them over before making the invitation. "You guys wanna drink?"

"Nah, we still have some flying to do tonight," said the Universe guy.

"Yeah, I wanna fly to New York and tease a couple of Yankees fans about the Red Sox winning the division," laughed the Sox guy. "Besides, I want to buzz Roger Clemens's house and A-Rod's house. It will be fun to scare the shit out of them.

"So, where you guys from?"

The one with the shirt of the universe turned around and pointed to a spot on his ass. Then, he turned back around.

"We are from another galaxy far away. Our universe has two suns. As you continue past Pluto through the next solar system, we are just to the right of the first sun."

"We are from Planet Tralfamadore," said the Sox fan smiling and knowing my reaction, as soon as he told me. "We are Tralfamadorians."

"No way! Kurt Vonnegut's Tralfamadore?"

"Yes," said Universe guy smiling ear to ear.

"So, you really do exist?"

"We are standing here, aren't we?"

"No way! And you came all this way just to see me?"

"Yeah, unfortunately, we read some of your recent stories and they are not as good as your earlier submissions," said the Universe guy.

"No kidding," I said feeling blue that now I had bashers bashing me from another planet. "Gee, I'm sorry you feel that way. I thought the new stories were better than the first submissions. Did you read Muse?"

"Yeah, Muse was funny, only not as funny as some of your others."

"The previous ones were funnier," said the Sox fan. "That Green E story was pretty funny."

"Yeah, well, I've filled my humor category in the Survivor Contest and figured that there's no sense wasting material this year on writing more humorous stories that I could post next year to the 2008 Survivor Contest."

"You have a point there but we figured, since we know that you write by inspiration..." said Mr. Universe.

"We figured we would give you some inspiration," said the Sox fan.

Then, it struck me, which would explain his references to their sense of humors.

"Did you help Kurt Vonnegut write, I mean, did you inspire him to write, too?"

"Obviously. Although we were not happy that he put us in several of his books," said Universe guy. "Still, we figured no one would take him seriously."

"Yeah," said Sox guy, "he was a real drinker."

"We don't feel the need to imbibe," said Universe guy.

"Oh," I said putting down my scotch and hiding it beneath my chair.

"So, tell me, who else have you inspired?"

"Let's see, Kurt Vonnegut, Charles Schultz the creator of the Peanuts comic strip, Stephen King, Jerry Seinfeld the comedian, J. K. Rowling of Harry Potter fame, and now you."

"Wow! I am in an elite list."

"We see much potential in your skills as a writer, which is why we are here to inspire you to write more of what you write well, specifically, humor."

"Well, the landing of your spaceship in my backyard has inspired me to write this story." I looked over at the two aliens not believing my eyes. "Are you saying that you are going to give me even more inspiration to write other stories?"

"Here's the thing, Freddie," said the guy wearing the Universe t-shirt. "We want you to pick 3 women, no make it 5 women who you have always wanted to have sex with and we will make it happen."

"Nah, as much as I would like to do five women of my dreams, I can't. I'm in a committed relationship. I can't cheat on my girlfriend. I mean, if she was sitting here instead of me and you made her the offer of naming five men that she would like to do, I would hope that she would turn you down, too."

"Freddie, it is not cheating," said Sox guy.

"It's not? How so?"

"Well, what we do is to take your memories of these women and create them into an image of from that," said Universe guy. "It is not like you are having sex with the real person physically, just with their image. Think of it as jerking off to the thoughts that are stored in your mind, only it is more vivid than your best dream."

"Okay, I see where you are going with this."

"Now, when you jerk off..." said Sox guy. "You do masturbate do you?"

"Do I? If Guinness had kept count of the times I jerked off over the course of my life, I'd have the record."

"Okay," said Sox guy, "so, you don't consider jerking off as cheating, do you?"

"No, of course not. Use it or lose it has always been my motto."

"Then, we can supply you with the five women of your dreams," said Sox guy.

"Are you serious?"

"Yep, we're serious," said Sox guy.

"Five women?"

"Yeah, five," said Sox guy.

"You can do that?"

"As soon as we get your list," said Universe guy.

"Any women?"

"Yep, you give us the names and it is done," said Universe.

"Only, if we do this for you, you have to do something for us," said Sox guy.

"Anything," I said. I was so excited already thinking about which women I wanted to add to my list. "Just ask."

"You must write a story about your experience and inject some humor in it. We Tralfamadorians like a good laugh," said Sox guy.

There are not too many things that are funny when you are flying around space trying to avoid meteor showers, asteroids, gravity from other planets and moons, and black holes," said Universe guy.

"If all that I have to do to sleep with five of the hottest women of my dreams is to write about it, then I can do that."

"So, do you want to take a few minutes and think about who you want to have sex with? We still have time until are crystal cells recharge enough to launch us back up beyond your gravity field and into outer space," said Sox guy.

"Nah, all I need is a paper and pen." I stood. "Just let me go inside and them. You fellas want to come inside and sit? The game is still on. The Sox are playing the Twins."

"Nah, we've been sitting for light years. Besides, we already know who wins the game," said Sox guy. They looked at one another and laughed.

"We know who will win the World Series for the next few centuries," said Universe guy.

"You do? Are you kidding me? Wait, don't tell me. Knowing who wins will ruin the fun of watching it." I rubbed my chin reconsidering asking them who the winner of the World Series is. With that kind of advance information, if I made a bet in Vegas, I could clean up. Nah, that's cheating, I can't do that, definitely, maybe, not really. "Uhm, leave me the name of the World Series winner, just in case, I, uhm, don't get a chance to watch the game."

"You're thinking about making a bet, aren't you?"

"Nah, of course not, not really, well, kind of, maybe, just a friendly wager of every dollar I can scrap up." I looked at them baffled by the information. "How do you know what happens in our future?"

"Well, what happens in your future is already our past," the Sox fan said writing down the name of the winning world series team on a piece of paper, folding it in fours, and handing it to me. "We are way ahead of you."

"Hmm, so can you tell me a couple good stocks to buy?"

"We can, but they are not on the market yet and won't be for a few hundred years."

"Okay, I'll be right back."

I returned and handed Universe the list of women who I wanted to get to know better in the Biblical sense.

"Let's see..."

"It's in random order. I didn't list it by who I wanted to do first."

"You must really like Angelina Jolie..."

"I do. Why? How can you possibly know that from that list? That is amazing."

"...because you have her name down here twice."

"Oh, I do? Sorry, cross one of her names out, then."

"Then, you have Heather Locklear, Cameron Diaz, Carmen Elektra, and Nicole Kidman, and Kate Beckinsale."

"You have six names here, Freddie."

"I was horny and hoping you wouldn't notice the sixth name."

The Universe guy looked at the Sox guy and laughed.

"I guess we should have been more specific," said the Universe guy.

"More specific, what do you mean?"

"Well, these are a list of celebrities," said the Sox guy. "Unless, you know them personally, these are not women who you know or who know you, for that matter."

"Yeah, unfortunately, we can only recall women who you actually know and who know you," said the Universe guy. "Matter of fact, it works better if you have had conversation with them and/or if you have touched them or they have touched you. Definitely, it works the best if there was touching between parties in the past."

"Yeah, past touching really brings it all together for a more pleasurable experience" said the Sox guy.

"Oh, I see, so you mean that you wanted me to list women from my circle of friends, women from the neighborhood or in my past."

"Yeah, that is where we are going with this," said Sox guy.

"I'm just curious, why does it have to be women who I know?"

"Because we take them from your memory and transformed them into a real live breathing holographic clone of the women as they are in real life," said Universe guy.

"Although we would like to fulfill this list of hot celebrities, we would have to kidnap them and fly them here for you to meet, talk to, and touch. Flying a spaceship over Beverly Hills would be noticed," said Sox guy with a laugh.

"Actually, maybe not, everyone out there is, well, out there," I said.

"Yeah, you have a point there," said Universe guy.

"Wait a second," said Sox guy. "We can return next month and maybe we can do something with this list for you. I have some ideas. Can we hang onto this?"

"Sure."

"Meanwhile, can you write us a new list?"

"A new list? Yeah, sure, okay." I scribbled five names off the top of my head and put who they were beside them.

"Okay, let's see what you have. Jana, your hairdresser, good, that's more like it, Rosie, the bartender at the nightclub downtown, good, that's another good choice, Sheila, the crossing guard, okay, Maureen, the receptionist at work, alright, and Mrs. Bushy, your second grade teacher."

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