Spiteful Loose Cannon Critics

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Oh, there goes EG again!
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[My fair critics are excluded from this 'ranting and raving' piece. --Egmont Grigor.]

*

Edgar Monty Grigg-Noir entered the literature laboratory containing the Class of '08 with trepidation as if facing raucous critics living on unsustainable vegetarian diets or who were victims of over-consumption of red meat.

The red-faced Professor Herring had given Monty a real mix in the class, ranging from thoughtful commentators to self-styled Caesars of literary criticism specializing in writing crap. Prof Herring told the aged teacher with teeth missing, hair resuming growth in density and an unrecognized PhD in Wordsmithing, that no other academic would take them on so it was up to the school janitor to give it his best shot.

The first thing Monty noticed (they didn't notice him) was the class had an unusually high proportion of students with one eye and red necks. Turkeys had red necks didn't they?

A pretty gal with freckles and her lipstick on crooked asked if she could go to the bathroom. Monty asked why (she looked as if she might not wash) and she said she had this urge to slam society, so would write on the walls that teachers were a bunch of tossers and that included the females. Monty said that wasn't polite and she replied she was never polite so Monty told her to return to carving her name on the slender pole holding up the roof. She ignored him and went to the bathroom.

Monty handed each remaining student an identical paragraph and said he'd written the test piece and they faced a huge challenge. He expected them to comment on it constructively and intelligently. The paragraph read:

'Long live the President and may he/she work harmoniously and save the world from itself.'

Not unexpectedly some of the students tried to trigger their comprehension by attempting to read the wording upside down and them from the other side of the paper. Most of that lot scratched their crotch and said, "Huh? Monty marked them as 'Candidates for re-entering the education system at perhaps First Grade'.

Someone called Anon -- as were most of the class -- bellowed, "So let me get this straight, if I don't like your story and I give you a 0 vote then I am a jerk and/or vindictively targeting you? Speak to your doctor, there are lots of treatment options for paranoia which can be cured. Your writing skills unfortunately is beyond repair."

Monty marked that student down as, 'Poorly literate, disruptive, paranoid and requiring treatment for missing the plot'.

A thoughtful student called out the passage read more like the script of a school play. Monty thought fair enough, he'd written the test piece and he was only the janitor, not Eugene O'Neill.

"Boring!" called someone.

Monty jumped to his feet and pulled out a six-gun. "Who thinks that?"

Everyone bravely (or stupidly) raised a hand, so Monty put away his gun under his belt, carried to give himself a larger bulge. He collapsed back into his chair feeling threatened and disillusioned.

Someone called out, "This piece stinks -- it needs to be full of sex with shooting cocks and dripping pussies."

"Yeah," came the chorus.

Monty asked what about the wording in-between. He was ignored.

A cretin asked why should the President want to save the world. Why not just America?

"Yeah," came the chorus, sending Monty pulling out his hair, angry to be landed with a bunch of inward looking self-styled critics who looked at everything their way and many apparently without ability to think expansively or interpretatively. Some were really dumb and wouldn't have a clue about 'author intention'.

Someone goaded, "Who wrote this stupid piece? I've read worse but really -- the author should get him or herself a good editor."

Monty said that person should be more tolerant. He added mildly that critic had taken his eye from the ball and was not responding constructively and intelligently.

"Who are you, Robert Mugabe from Zimbabwe trying to find another occupation?" screamed the critic throwing a paddy. "This country became the greatest because we all cherish our freedom of speech and opinion."

Monty said mildly that was a moot point. He'd always understood the reason was inspired thinking coupled with being armed to the teeth and achieving economic dominance. He got away with that because no one seemed to comprehend what he was talking about. Except for the critic, now back on his feet.

"You can't say that," he screamed.

Monty countered, "Aren't you advocating your right to free speech?"

"Yes, damn right."

"And yet you allege I can't say what I just said?"

"Of course you can't."

Raising an eyebrow, Monty muttered, "What happened to free speech?"

"Nothing, I still have it. Tell me, why are you ranting and raving?"

"Me ranting and raving?"

The ranting critic sat down, defused by his laughing contemporaries and Monty placed that last critic in the 'needs reconditioning and trained to exhibit a little less aggression' column in his marking paper.

Another student named Anon rose and gushed excessively. "The last time I looked we still had freedom of speech and if I don't like your story and say so, that is not a personal attack on you and neither am I self-indulgent -- it is my personal opinion which I am entitled to give. When I come across a good read I will tell the author that I enjoyed the story and vote accordingly. If I don't like the story I still have the right to vote the way I see fit without it being an attack on you or are you really that paranoid like someone suggested?"

"Yes, I'm slightly paranoid -- aren't we all, I mean slightly?" Monty said. The critic looked to have rejected that comment as applying personally and finished without quite frothing at the mouth:

"On the subject of personal attacks...the answer then is quite simple, either grow up or stay the fuck out of the kitchen if you can't take the heat but for Pete's sake STOP WHINING!!"

"Oh dear, I take it that's your critique of the test piece?"

"Sure is."

"And you believe your summary of your thoughts was constructive, intelligent and to the point?

"Damn right."

"I'm afraid that after constructive, intelligent thought and assessing whether your tirade was to the point and being left with no idea the relevance of your reference to the kitchen, I must award you a mark of 00."

"Huh, is that good?"

At the end of the day, his creative brain giving him hell, Monty dismissed the class and went to Prof Herring with his assessments: 69% of the class had completed Monty's comprehensive and exacting test and passed, five scoring very high marks. Of the 31% appearing to be substandard the majority were judged to be tolerable because they were after all unpaid critics but remedial work was recommended for some of them. The other 3% required psychiatric assessment.

"Oh, we can't do that," said the professor, in alarm. "Everyone is entitled to free speech, even loonies."

"Yes of course and I accept that. It's just my inner conscience compelled me to make that recommendation. I'm also aware that 3% is a disturbingly high proportion but perhaps I was given some of the real dregs."

"Are you comfortable about that?"

"Yes Prof, I seem to attract them like flies."

"It's because you empower them by daring to criticized some of the critics and thus over-inflating their feeling of self-importance."

"So I gather. Perhaps I should shut up; in fact I've been advised to do that by friendly colleagues."

The professor asked Monty had he learned anything during his first day with class 101D?

"Yes, I may as well be back cleaning toilets, removing graffiti and stoking boilers. I've learned you can't tell critics anything because they won't listen and some slide into ranting."

"Profound thinking old boy; profound thinking."

THE END

*

Dear Reader: Don't forget to comment. Spitefully too if you find that necessary. EG

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3 Comments
AnonymousAnonymousalmost 16 years ago
Critics, good and bad.

E.G. I think that your writing is really great, some of the stories are below par, but I always enjoy them.

Like all writers good and bad, we the readers have our favourites, and your stories are up in the top ranks in my book. Now that is only my own thought, so others should put in writing what they think, so that we can all read their criticism, good or bad, but I believe that if they do not write at least vote, after every story they read.

Please keep up the good work, with many thanks from a well satisfied reader.

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 16 years ago
look your stories are entertainment

you write i read,some are great and some aren't.so what,tell the critics to get a life.keep writing your stories your way.and thanks for keeping them fun and sexual.

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 16 years ago
Lifes a Bitch

Could be worse, unlike most you have talent.

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