Starting Over

I was thirty years old, working at a job that I hated with a passion and now I was single to. Things could not get any worse than they were; that's' what I thought when Cheryl first left me anyway. I found out a few months later they could get so much worse when my landlord told me that I had to move out because I was having trouble paying the rent on my own; where else would I go? Back to my mother's house' unfortunately. I was anything but happy, I was pissed that this had happened to me and it was all Cheryl's fault too. I mean hell, I gave that girl everything I had to make her happy, we were together for seven years and she repaid me like this. By running off with some jerk off' she just met and acting as though what we had had never meant a damn thing.

That was six months ago, and now the day to move had rolled around; it was about 9:30am when the U-Haul truck pulled up outside my apartment with my two friends Jay and Bill waiting outside for me. I unlocked the door downstairs and we started the three' hour process of moving everything down three flights of stairs and out into the truck. We were done by about 12:30pm and from there we took a trip straight to the nearest McDonalds to get lunch before driving to my mother's house. We got there by about 2:00 and she was waiting out in the driveway for me.

"Hi mom," I said as I walked over to greet her with a hug. We went inside, opening the garage and she gave me the key to the basement door, which was going to serve as my bedroom. That was where I had lived four years ago before I moved out with Cheryl and that was where I would be staying again. Opening the door, I stepped inside; the room did not look much different than it had four years ago when I moved out.

The only difference was my mother and step-father' Jim had renovated the room after I left, painting the walls a fresh coat of white and tearing up the carpets replacing them with hard wooden floors. They re-did the bathroom too and even installed a new sliding glass door and screen door to replace the old ones, which had been falling apart. I had helped them with all of this of course, I felt like I owed it to them since I had lived there long after I turned eighteen, but I also knew a lot about that kind of work and felt like I could offer my knowledge. We went about the process of moving all my stuff from the truck and back into my old bedroom, setting everything up and stacking up the boxes for me to go through on my own once' I had the chance. Once we were done unloading the truck, Jay and Bill' wished me luck and we set up a time to meet up that coming Friday and go have a few beers, before they got back in the truck and took off. I started unpacking some of the boxes of clothes, hanging them up in the closet and getting' myself, just partially situated; around 7:30, my mother called me upstairs for dinner. She had cooked a roast and I was happy to at least be having a well' cooked meal. I missed my mother's cooking a lot, so at least I could say that was one good thing about being home again.

Once we had all finished eating, my step-father' went to drop my sister off at the mall since it was a Friday night, and that left just me and my mother to clean up the dining room and catch up with each other.

"So how does it feel to be home?"

I laughed as I slid a few of the dishes into the dishwasher. "I don't know," I replied. "I guess it's alright; I just feel like at thirty years old, I shouldn't really be here."

"Look, I know your upset about all of this. I just want you to know you are not a burden or anything like that at all; we're' happy to have you here and it's' not like you will be stuck here forever. You'll be back on your feet in no time."

Mom always had a way of making me feel a little better, but I could tell by the look on her face she was concerned for me. I knew why too; since the breakup with Cheryl, I had been pretty' depressed. I had been drinking frequently and barely went out anywhere anymore except to work and occasionally to a bar with some of my friends. My self-esteem had gone down drastically to; back in the day, I had been the kind of guy' who did not take anything from anyone. I had grown up listening to punk rock music and I believed heavily in anarchism; I went to shows and parties and got drunk all the time and got into fights and I did not take shit from no one. Until, I moved in with Cheryl. She was a bitch and I was in love with her but she put her finger in my face and told me what to do and because I was so ridiculously in love with her, I fell for all of that nonsense. Now that our relationship was over, the damage she had created was still evident; I had no self-esteem and it was not hard for someone to put me down and make me feel like garbage. Especially my boss at work; I worked at a warehouse loading trucks Monday through Friday and I had been there six years now and my boss liked to treat me as though I did not know what I was doing.

"I just worry sometimes," my mother said breaking my train of thought. "I mean...you use to be so confident in yourself, you use to believe in yourself and that was one of many things people loved. Cheryl ruined that and I just would really like to see you get that attitude back."

"Mom, I'm thirty years old; my punk rock days are over."

"Oh please, I'm forty seven years old and I still have that attitude, I still listen to the music. I may not dress like a punk but you don't' have to dress punk to be one...mostly I just wish you would move on. It's been six months and you are still so lonely."

I laughed silently and shook my head. My mother was the one who raised me on punk rock music and taught me not to take anything from anyone. Even at close to fifty years old she still had that belief system and I admired that about her; I wished I could have that attitude back. I do not know why, but I just felt so worthless; like I wasn't' supposed to be happy or something. I hated being alone, and I knew that Cheryl did not miss me so I should probably try to move on; but it still hurt to think about what she had done. I did not think there was even anyone else out there in this' crazy fucked up world that would want anything to do with someone like me. Our conversation ended and I was about to head downstairs and finish unpacking when she handed me an old crate that she said had some of my old stuff inside. I took it downstairs with me, and opened it up and started shuffling through it; it was all of my old punk stuff.

I found my old doc martins, some of my DIY t-shirts, old band shirts and all kinds of stuff I had forgotten all about. Then there was my leather jacket; plastered with studs and spikes and on the back written in big bold letters with red paint marker was the band name "RANCID"

I use to love this jacket and I laughed as I stood up and tried it on. To my surprise it still fit perfectly; I was not about to go and start wearing all these crazy clothes again at thirty years old but I did find myself wondering why I had stopped listening to the music. That was partially Cheryl's fault to; she fed me all her preppy bullshit and told me that she did not want to hear any of my punk music and I listened. I cursed silently at myself for' ever letting her change who I was. I pulled out a stack of my old CDs and started putting them in the stereo; it had been so long since I heard the sweet sounds of NOFX or Rancid, Black Flag or the Circle Jerks.

After a while, I started to feel a little tired; it had been a long day and I was' worn out. I decided a hot shower would do me some good but first I wanted to unpack my computer and get that set up. I pulled out all the equipment and stacked it up on my desk in the corner of the room, hooked everything up and turned it on waiting for it to warm up. Once it was on, I checked my mail and facebook account before getting off, stripping naked and heading towards the bathroom. I turned on the hot shower water and climbed in allowing it to run down my body and soothe my muscles. I leaned back against the wall and stared up at the ceiling as the hot water created a thick white fog that clouded the bathroom and shower stall.

I slipped into my own little world as my cock started to get hard; it had been so long since I had gotten' laid'. After Cheryl left' I could have easily gone off and fucked any girl that was interested in me; but that wasn't' my style, not anymore anyway. I grabbed the washrag and my bottle of Irish Spring body wash and lathered up the rag before covering myself in the soap. I rinsed off and as I did, my hand made it's' way down to my erect cock. I gripped it tight and started stroking, leaning back against the wall again; I slipped into a sort of daydream state in which I imagined myself with a hot punk rock chick. She would suck my cock and run her hands up and down my chest teasing my nipples; I would fuck her against the shower wall and she would rack her fingernails across my back as we both moaned and came together. My fantasy ended when I shot my load, a few globs of semen landing on the shower floor and I relaxed against the wall as the hot water continued to relax my body.

I washed off again then washed my hair before getting out and drying myself off and slipping into a pair of boxers and a plain white t-shirt. I sat down at the computer chair and leaned back staring up at the ceiling fan for a few long moments. I thought about what my mother had said, about how I should try to move on now; I decided it wouldn't' hurt to at least make a few friends. I logged onto my AOL account while still listening to the aggressive fast sounds of the punk blasting from the stereo across the room. It felt good to be back in my old room listening to the old music that I had loved; it was music, why give up on it just because of your age right? Feeling a little bored, I decided to check out some of the AOL chat rooms.

There was a wide variety of them for different topics such as video games, music, TV shows and even just to make friends. The problem was it seemed as though most of these rooms were all either empty or they were full and for some reason none of the people in them had anything to say. I was getting a little annoyed; I had tried to initiate a few conversations in a couple of the rooms but it seemed like people were ignoring me and not even talking. Why bother being in a chat room full of people if none of them are even going to talk?

I was about to give up and call it a night, but I was starting to feel kind' of depressed. I knew from experience it was a bad idea to sit and just deal with my depression especially at night; it was better to talk to someone and that usually kept me in a good mood. My mother was asleep by now and so was Jim, my sister was staying over at a friend's house so everyone in the house was out of the question as far as conversations were concerned. My eyes stumbled across the Relationship boards and I decided what the hell; I clicked the link and started scanning through some of the rooms to find nothing really' going on to much. Then I clicked on the "30s" room for people in their thirties and it seemed to be full of people having a lively conversation. After a few moments of watching them talk, I noticed one person talking under the screen name "SexxyBaby." I was feeling a bit unsure of myself and was about to back out of the room when the chime went off indicating that someone had said something; I looked at the screen and it was "SexxyBaby" and to my surprise she was talking to me.

"Hey," she said. I took a deep breath to calm my nerves and wrote back. "Hi."

"What's your name?" she asked.

"I'm Chris; and you are?"

A few moments went by but it said at the bottom of the screen that she was typing so I waited a few moments. "Carley; I'm thirty years old. It's nice to meet you, how old are you?"

"I'm actually the same age as you are."

"That's great I was hoping to meet someone the same age as me. Everyone else in here is in their mid-30s."

We continued talking and I quickly started to realize Carley was a pretty interesting, girl. She came off innocent at first but as our conversation progressed, she started flirting with me and I realized that she was actually a very wild sounding girl. More like the kind of woman, I would have sought out years ago, during my days of going to parties before I had met Cheryl. I wondered if I could even keep up with a girl like Carley the way I was nowadays. I tried not to let my anxiety get the best of me, and I continued talking to her and getting to know her. She asked about my dating history and I told her a little about Cheryl; she ended up not liking what I told her. She referred to Cheryl as a bitch at least a number of times. I laughed and asked her if she was seeing anyone, and it turned out we had a lot more in common than I thought. She had just ended a relationship with a guy' she had been with for two years; he was an unemployed pothead who treated her like crap and refused to try and' look for a job.

She had loved him though, so she put up with it for a while until she couldn't' anymore. Before I knew it we had been talking for three hours, it was 1:00 in the morning now and even though I was having so much fun talking to her, I was exhausted and still had more unpacking to do in the morning. I told her I had to go and promised her I would IM her the following day so we could talk more. I was just about to log off when I got one last message from her asking the one thing I had not expected her to ask.

"Can I see a picture of you?"

I hesitated for a moment then pulled up my picture file and looked for the best one I could find of myself. I found one of me sitting in the recliner at the old apartment, wearing my Flyers hat. I had my beard grown full out and I was wearing a muscle shirt so she could see my big arms. I sent the picture to her, my heart pounding in my chest as I waited for her to say something back; I feared the worse even though I knew I was probably over reacting. A few seconds passed by and finally, I got a response.

"Your' really cute; Cheryl is a bitch, she had no idea what she was giving up."

A few moments later, the computer chimed again and I noticed she had sent me a link. I clicked on it and realized it must have been a picture of her. She was pretty' attractive, she had blue eyes and shoulder length black hair.

There was also something, I could not quite place about her but I shrugged it off and wrote back. "Thanks; you are really pretty." I hoped that did not sound to cheesy or anything but she did not seem to mind judging by her reply which told me she was really looking forward to talking to me again tomorrow. We finished up and I logged off and made my way towards my mattress; I lay' down and simply lay there for a while staring up at the ceiling my thoughts consumed by the beautiful woman I had met online. I could not wait for tomorrow to come around.



Carley and I spent the rest of the weekend flirting and talking online and exchanging photos back and forth and by Sunday night I was starting to get the feeling that maybe this was going in a different direction then the one I originally thought it would go. I was stupid for thinking nothing would come out of this, I was after all in a dating chat room, of' course people in here were going to be looking for something more than friendship. That was alright' though, because the more I talked with her the more I started to feel free and I started feeling like I use to feel before I met Cheryl. There was something about Carley that made me feel, like' I could be myself instead of having to be fake and act like someone I knew I was not. It was Sunday night and I had to go to bed, I had work in the morning but Carley had asked that I send her one more picture of myself via e-mail. I told her goodnight and logged out of the chat room before opening an e-mail and typing in her address.

I pulled up my photo album and started looking for a good photo; she asked me to show off some of my muscles if possible. So' I settled for one of me at a gym I use to go to without a shirt; it showed a good view of my chest and I figured she would be satisfied with the picture. I double clicked and my computer froze; I clicked again three more times and it unfroze, but started spazzing out. My heart sank when the e-mail went out but I realized quickly it had clicked and sent the wrong picture. I had just sent Carley a picture of myself completely naked; Cheryl had taken it about two years ago and I never deleted it because she told me she wanted it to stay on the computer for her to see.

I panicked and attempted to un-send the e-mail but the address she had given me was not an AOL address and apparently, you could not un-send messages sent to none-AOL users. I was screwed; we had been flirting pretty' heavily yes, but I did not think she would want to jump that far ahead at least not yet anyway. I went to bed that night with a massive anxiety attack I was up the whole night tossing and turning, sweating and freaking out. The following morning I went to work and could barely focus on what I had to do, loading trucks all day long, I skipped my lunch because I knew my nerves were so out of whack I would not be able to hold food down anyway.

I got home at five o'clock and went straight for the computer hoping she had sent some sort of reply so I could get this over with; I knew what was going to happen, but I was not excited in the least bit. Sure enough, there was an e-mail waiting for me and sure enough, it was from Carley. I took a deep breath and tried to relax myself, it would all be over soon and then I could walk over to the beer store and drown my sorrows in alcohol. An incredible weekend' ruined because my computer decided to spazz out and send' the wrong photo. I opened the e-mail and braced myself but was shocked when I read the message she had sent me.

"Lol, okay then; was not expecting that one, when I said send me one that shows off a bit but it's' okay really. Listen, I like you a lot and I kind' of want to meet you if your' feeling up to that I mean. How about we meet up at Neshaminy Mall next Friday when you get' done work; we can have dinner and maybe go see a movie. It would be really' nice to talk in person. Here is my phone number-267-885-9121. Call me when you can; oh and down the bottom there's a link to a few nice pictures of myself that I'm sure your' going to love."

I could not believe it; I didn't' take her as this sort of girl, but just because she was okay with this did not make her that sort of girl I guessed. She was just adventurous or something like' that. I shouldn't be worried about it I realized, I had just scored myself a date with a pretty attractive woman my age who really liked me and seemed to have a LOT in common with me. What was there to complain about? I smiled and my eyes shifted to the link down below; I moved the mouse down to it and clicked on it waiting for the picture to download and when it did, I was not surprised to see a full body nude of her. The picture moved down before I could get a good view of it though and two others popped up above that one. There was one that showed a perfect view of her tits, they were absolutely' perfect; probably not that big but her nipples were perky and they were still beautiful to me. The second photo was of her bent over showing off her ass; my cock stirred in my pants as I took in what I saw.

I moved down to the third photo and there she was laying sprawled out on a mattress with her legs spread open and my cock was throbbing by now. When my eyes scanned over the part of her body where there should have been a wet, shaved pussy I froze when I realized in its place was a set of big balls and a hard cock that looked to be about six or seven inches long. That was completely out of place; what the' hell was I looking at? I knew what it was obviously, but I could not believe my eyes. This had to be a joke.