Still Lost in Space Ch. 03byKirk482002©
©2005 All rights reserved
REVENGE OF THE SMITH
"...Last time as you recall, the Jupiter 2 was waiting for the arrival of another ship lost in the void. Major West was in his cubicle recovering from Judy's assault, Professor Robinson was supposed to be making love to his wife for an hour or so, Will and Penny were playing 'rock, paper, scissors' for the loser to clean up Will's goo, while Judy reloaded the staple gun. Smith retired to his cubicle for a nap as the Robot stood vigil on the upper deck. All was quiet as the other ship drew near..."
* * * On the Enterprise * * *
"Captain's log, supplemental. The Enterprise is on route to rendezvous with another ship stuck in this void. They identify their ship as the Jupiter 2, a ship lost in space and assumed destroyed nearly two hundred and fifty years ago. The crew seems more at ease knowing we're no longer alone here. As I headed to the bridge, several crewmembers I passed started laughing uncontrollably. It's good to see such high spirits again."
"It's definitely a Jupiter class ship, Captain, therefore it must be the Jupiter 2," said Spock from the sensor station.
"Are we close enough for a visual?"
"Yes Sir," replied Sulu, smirking over his shoulder at Kirk as he switched on the main view screen.
"Look at that," said Chekov, stifling a guffaw as the image of the Jupiter 2 came on the screen.
"She looks brand new," noted Uhura.
"What do make of that Spock?" asked Kirk.
"Well Sir, if we discussed this in the conference room instead of you canceling the meeting because you weren't done with Ensign Weston, we'd know what to make of it," sneered the First Officer. "Or are you referring to your inability to 'close the deal' with the bimbo?"
"How did you know that?" Kirk asked as his voice trailed off, watching the Jupiter 2 be replaced with a recording of Ensign Weston slapping him hard several times for trying to insert his 'Captain's Log' up her pucker on the view screen. Sulu fell from his chair laughing and Chekov momentarily lost bladder control.
"Can we please stop replaying this?" asked Uhura.
"How many people have seen this, Spock?" asked Kirk, turning red.
"It's been playing on a continuous loop on every screen and computer terminal since this afternoon," the Vulcan replied.
"You know, I really thought she wanted me to do that," Kirk sighed, watching himself being bitch slapped over and over.
"It may have helped if you waited for her to take the data wafer out of her ass first," Chekov managed to get out with tears flowing down his cheeks.
"I want every copy of this tape in my possession by the end of our watch," ordered Kirk.
"That will be very difficult to accomplish Captain, since there must be several hundred in existence at this time," replied Spock.
Kirk sighed and covered his eyes with his hand. "Can we get back to the ship we're about to visit?"
"Oh, if we must," Sulu said, making a big deal out of pushing a button to replace the image of Kirk's face being slapped with the pristine Jupiter 2.
"We know that they said they'd been lost in space for a dozen years, but that's inconsistent with two things, one, they've been missing two hundred and fifty years and two, the ship looks like it lifted off yesterday," said Kirk.
"There is a high concentration of chronotomic particles in this void. It is possible that they have only been out here for a dozen years but that wouldn't explain the condition of their ship," reported Spock.
"So either we're in the early twenty first century or they're in the late twenty third," mumbled the Captain.
"Maybe neither," chimed in Chekov.
"Let's not go down that road yet," said Kirk.
"Let's make contact first."
"They tried to do that before, Sir," Uhura reminded him.
"Okay, okay, I get it. Open a hailing frequency," Kirk snapped at her.
She pushed a button and nodded her head.
"Jupiter 2, this is Captain James T. Kirk representing the United Federation of Planets. Do you read us?"
"Yes, this is Professor John Robinson, Commander of the Jupiter 2. Has your crew had its rest time, Captain?"
Sulu and Chekov were snickering in front of him.
"Yes, thank you Professor Robinson. We are moments away from your craft. Would you, your family, and the pilot mind being our guests aboard the Enterprise?"
"I'm not sure how that can be arranged, Captain."
"Your ship is too large for our shuttle bay, so I suggest you power down your engines, set them to station keeping and we will beam you over."
"Beam us over?"
"Trust us, just group your family and the pilot together and let us do the rest," said Kirk.
"There are two other members of our crew, Captain. We'd like them to come along as well."
Spock looked back down his computer view screen. After a moment he shook his head at the Captain.
"Who would they be?" asked Kirk.
"One is our B9 Robot. It's as much a member of the crew as any of us. The other is an unfortunate addition, having been caught onboard at the time of liftoff."
"Of course Professor," answered Kirk.
"Sir, we are in transporter range," reported Chekov.
"Jupiter 2, we will transport you aboard as soon as you indicate you're ready, Enterprise out." Kirk looked at his First Officer. "Spock?"
"The B9 Robot is listed on their cargo manifest. As far as the other individual, we will need to wait and see."
* * * On the Jupiter 2 * * *
"Take a look at that son of a bitch!" West exclaimed, looking out the bay windows and holding an ice bag on his crotch.
"That is one big ship," said Will gawking at the Enterprise as it grew near.
"Look, the lettering is in English," said Penny, as she waited for Will to snap back some kind of insult. There wasn't any. She sighed as a wave of relief swept over her.
"They spoke English as well," said Judy.
"Everybody we meet speaks English," Maureen reminded them.
"Yeah, you're right. Is that possible?" asked Robinson.
Just then, the Robot came up the lift and came to stand with the others at the bay windows.
"Where's Smith?" asked Robinson.
"I just woke him and he will be here shortly," the metal man replied.
"What do you think Robot? Is it an Earth ship?" asked Robinson.
"If it is, it's not from our time," it replied.
"That's what I was thinking," said West.
"Oh, my oh my. Look at that beautiful vessel," said Smith as he exited the lift. "There must be hundreds of different individuals aboard," he muttered, looking in the direction of the Robot.
"My scanners are picking up over four hundred life forms," it said.
"Splendid, how are we getting there?" asked Smith.
"We're going to find out in a second," said Robinson. "Everyone ready?" he asked, looking around the room.
All nodded their heads except the Robot who simply said, "Affirmative."
Robinson flipped a switch and said, "Enterprise, the crew of the Jupiter 2 is ready to transport."
A shimmering sound was heard as all seven individuals and the Robot's atoms were converted to energy and they ceased to exist.
* * * In Transporter Room 2 * * *
"All eight individuals are in our transporter beam, Captain," reported Mr. Kyle.
Kirk adjusted his and McCoy's dress tunic and gave Spock a 'here we go' look. "Okay Kyle, start bringing them in."
The transporter chief started punching buttons and pushed the levers up. Six figures began to form on the transporter pad. When the cycle was complete, the entire Robinson family and Major West (with ice pack still on his crotch) stood on the platform.
"That was fun! Can we do it again?" asked Will.
"On the return trip," said Kirk.
"I'm John Robinson," said the Professor as he walked off the transporter pad and extending his hand to Kirk.
Kirk met him half way. "I'm James Kirk. This is my First Officer, Spock and my Chief Medical Officer, Leonard McCoy."
Robinson introduced his family and all shook hands with the exception of Spock, who bowed at every introduction.
"Mr. Kyle, bring the other two in please," said Kirk.
"Aye Sir," he replied.
Another round of shimmering and there stood Smith and the Robot. Spock visibly twitched at the sight of the B9 whirring and clacking in front of him.
"Well, hello, hello, I'm Doctor Zachary Smith," he said, walking down from the platform and grabbing McCoy's hand first. "And hello to you my fine young fellow," he said, jerking Kirk's arm up and down. Smith then stood face to face with the Vulcan. "Greetings, my Devilish friend," he said offering his hand to shake Spock's.
"I'm sorry, Doctor Smith, my First Officer is Vulcan and they do not wish to be touched by other individuals," explained Kirk.
Smith snatched his hand back and said, "I perfectly understand," as he then held his hand up and said, "Greetings."
Spock, still looking at the B9 was surprised by Smith's change in introduction and offered the Vulcan Salute. "Live long and prosper."
"Goodness, what a wonderful greeting," bubbled Smith. "You too as well."
Spock nodded at Smith and returned his gaze at the transporter pad. "Captain, we will need a ramp to bring down the B9 unit."
"See to it Spock," said Kirk as he turned to join his guests in the hallway.
"So you're the Captain?" asked Smith, surprised.
"Yes, does that come as a shock to you?" replied Kirk.
"I just didn't know that the military now promotes people still young enough to get acne," quipped Smith.
"I'm not a teenager Doctor, but I am the youngest person ever to be promoted to Captain of a Starship."
"Good for you young man and remember, scrubbing your face three times a day will keep the blackheads away."
Kirk ushered everyone out into the hallway. Just as he stepped to the door, McCoy stopped him.
"What's with him?" McCoy asked.
"Who?" replied Kirk.
"Spock. Have you ever seen him react like that before about an antique corn popper on treads?" asked McCoy hooking a thumb in Spock's direction.
Kirk looked back into the room and noticed that Spock was still gawking at the Robot as the engineering crew assembled a ramp. "You know how he gets about machines or computers with self motivating logic circuits. The B9 was about as far advanced as it could be with late 20th century engineering."
"Jim, I think he's got a woody," whispered the doctor into his ear.
Kirk glanced back and wasn't sure if his First Officer did or didn't. "Let's leave the two alone," he replied as he turned his attention to his guests. "Come right this way and I'll give you the grand tour."
* * * Several hours later at the Captain's dinner table * * *
From the left of head of the table, which was the Captains chair, there was Professor Robinson, Maureen, Major West, Judy, Penny, and Will. Smith sat at the opposite end of the table facing the Captain's seat. Continuing around the table was Scotty, Chekov, Sulu, Uhura, McCoy and Spock seated on Kirk's right hand side. The Robot stood off against the wall. All were making small talk as the door opened and in strolled Kirk.
"Please be seated. I trust everyone has been introduced," Kirk asked, as he sat at the head of the table.
"Yes, Mr. Spock has been giving us his thoughts as to how two ships from different times are here in the same space," replied The Professor.
"I'm glad this is an Earth ship," said Penny.
"Vell, actually ve aren't," said Chekov, eyeing up the younger Robinson daughter.
"You're not?" asked Judy.
"Many of the crew members are from Earth, but we are sanctioned by the United Federation of Planets," explained Sulu, smiling back at the older daughter.
"And what is that exactly?" asked Will.
"Think of it as a galactic United Nations," replied Spock, glancing occasionally at the B9.
"But you folks are military," said West.
Uhura jumped up from her seat. "You're the one that wanted to know what I was wearing earlier, aren't you?"
West looked down at his place setting.
"Shame on you, Mister," she snapped, glaring at him for a few seconds before she sat back down.
"She's a feisty one," West mumbled under his breath.
"Knock it off," Judy whispered back.
"Yes we are military. The Enterprise is one of hundreds of various ships under the authority of Star Fleet Command, based on Earth, and is under control of the Federation," Kirk explained.
"Things have really changed in two hundred and fifty years," Maureen remarked.
"Not from where I'm sittin'," slurred Scott.
Kirk pulled McCoy over to him and whispered, "I thought I told you to sober him up before dinner."
"He pulled the slip on me. I couldn't find him till he showed up here," McCoy whispered back.
"The way I see it, men are still men and women are still women. The only difference is that the skirts are higher. Makes it easier to bend down and look up," Scott continued.
Uhura covered her eyes, Penny and Judy blushed, and Maureen stared at the drunken engineer. Robinson, West, and Will all looked under the table toward Uhura.
"Gentleman please. Everyone keep their heads above the table," said Smith with fork and knife in hand. "What's for dinner?"
Uhura removed her hands from her face in time to see the three men pulling their heads back up.
"Well, I ordered up a feast for us tonight," Kirk started to answer Smith.
"This is what I can't stand about some women," continued Scott. "Uhura runs around all day wearing that uniform as high as she can, showing the universe what she's got, but can't stand it when someone takes a look."
Uhura threw her napkin in Scotty's face.
"First, we have a Vulcan delicacy, Plomeek Soup, and then..."
"Now, Mrs. Robinson, you just saw the way Miss Uhura reacted. I'll bet if you ran around with a skirt that short you wouldn't mind someone looking. Of course I'm assuming the rug matches the carpet," asked Scott, giving her his best-drunken smile.
Maureen finally blushed, patted at her hair, and said, "Why, yes Mr. Scott, they do."
"Really?" asked McCoy, with a huge grin on his face.
"I'm sorry we can't provide a fresh salad as the stasis rooms are getting low but we stocked up on..."
"Call me Scotty. Would you like a tour of Engineering after dinner?" Scott asked, pulling a flask out of his boot and taking a swig.
"That would be most kind, Scotty. What are you drinking there?" Maureen asked.
"Ah," he said, holding the flask up. "Some of my better stuff, would you care for some?"
"Sure. I haven't had a snort since we left Earth," she replied. Scott wobbled his way over to her and poured a bit in her glass.
"Scotty don't," said McCoy.
"That's alright Doctor. I've been around the track a few times," she said and raised her glass.
"Mrs. Robinson, I have to warn you that that is pure Engine Room hooch at about 180 proof," warned McCoy. "I would sip it instead of..."
Scotty and Maureen clinked their drinks and up ended them, and then she slammed her glass back down on the table. Her eyes watered and she gave one small cough. "Smooth," she rasped.
"Aye, a good batch it was," Scott agreed with her. "Would anyone else like some?"
"Mr. Scott, we're not here to get drunk," warned Kirk.
"What's wrong Captain? We're all adults here. This is a social occasion and if my wife and family are offered a chance to let their hair down for a change, I'm inclined to agree with it. What do you say?" said Robinson, trying to loosen up the young Starship Commander.
Kirk bit his lip a moment, furious with his engineer. Then he thought better of it. The crew of the Jupiter 2 were his guests and if they wanted to get smashed at dinner, then so be it. In fact, tonight might be their first really great meal in a long time. "You're right Professor. Let's keep things as light hearted as possible. Mr. Scott, I trust you brought enough for everyone that wants it?"
"Aye, do you think I'm stupid?" he asked, headed to a crate in the corner of the room.
"Where did that come from?" asked Kirk.
"I always keep the best of every batch and hide the bottles all over the ship. I went looking for them before dinner. That's how I avoided the Doctor when he was looking for me." Scott placed four clear liter sized bottles on the table. "These four are the oldest, being at least three years old and there's plenty more if needed."
"Thank you, Mr. Scott," said Kirk, giving him the evil eye. He popped the cork of the bottle at the head of the table and began pouring the liquor for those that wanted it within his reach. Other officers stationed around the table did the same for those within their reach as well. The only person to turn down the hooch was Spock and that wasn't unexpected as Vulcans avoided alcohol as much as possible.
Smith took a whiff. "Mr. Engineer is this safe?"
"Aye, 'tis me best stuff."
"I only ask as I'm mainly a wine drinker and don't have much knowledge about hard liquor," Smith said, sniffing the clear liquid again and wrinkling his nose.
"Sorry Doctor Smith. There isn't any wine left on board that we know of," said Uhura.
"Pity," replied Smith.
Kirk tapped his glass a few times. "A toast."
Everyone stood and held out his or her glasses including Spock's filled with water.
"To the crew of the Jupiter 2, lost for twelve years and found by another ship just as lost as themselves. Together may we find our way home," said Kirk, and tapped Robinson's glass.
"Here, here," seconded McCoy, and tapped as many glasses as he could reach.
"Excellent toast, Captain Kirk," answered Robinson.
"Amen," said Uhura, as she noticed West looking at her and twitching an eyebrow. She sipped the hooch, knowing what it was going to do to her. She'd had several bottles of Scott's engineering essence before. She just hoped she didn't get too tipsy as the evening went on. She smiled slightly back at the pilot seated across from her.
Smith gagged a moment and then remarked on its sterilizing possibilities. Robinson flushed, Judy refrained from spitting it back into the glass, Penny whimpered, Will held his breath, and West gritted his teeth as it burned it's way down and smiled back at Uhura. Maureen dabbed her napkin at her lips and smiled.
"Reminds me of my dorm days back at Vassar," she said, glancing back at Scott.
"You didn't go there," said her husband.
"Shut up, don't ruin this for me," she hissed back and flashed a wicked smile at Scott.
"Where did you go to college?" Judy asked Sulu.
"I went to the Academy, and call me Hikaru," Sulu replied.
"How about you?" Penny asked Chekov.
"The same, and the name's Pavel."
"You'll find that all the officers on the Enterprise attended Star Fleet Academy," offered Kirk.
"Are you Russian, Pavel?" asked Penny, sipping her drink again.
"Yes Miss. I'm from a small town just outside Moscow," he replied.
"Wow, I never met someone from Russia before. Is it cold there?" she asked, resting her chin on her hands.
"Only in the winter and only if you don't have anyone to spend it with you," he replied, turning on the ol' Chekov charm.
Penny held her glass out and asked "More please?" Chekov not only uncorked a new bottle, he walked clear around the table to pour it for her. "The name's Penny and I think you're cute."
"Penny, like the old copper coin?" Chekov asked.
"Yes," she answered, giggling.
"Well, Scotty, it seems your hooch is breaking the ice," stated McCoy.
"I hope it's doing more than that," he replied, winking at Maureen. "You know, that's a mighty nice sweater you're wearing. It shows off your green eyes and red hair. I noticed that you don't wear uniforms. I have to wear this little red number all the time."
"Your point Mr. Scott?" asked the Captain.
"Well look at you. You at least have a choice. You can wear gold or green depending on how you feel. I'm always stuck in this one," Scott replied, jabbing his thumb in his mid section.