tagHumor & SatireSurrender, Dorothy

Surrender, Dorothy

byCaptain Blood©

SCENE: Construction site, lunchtime


SET: Scaffold up center to suggest a job site. Pile of lumber, various sizes, including plywood, DR. Trash can with lid DL, along with plastic PVC pipe. Sawhorses UC. Hammers, crowbars, and other tools are scattered about.


DOROTHY, EMILY, GLINDA, and WIZZIE sit on the scaffold, eating lunch and occasionally hooting at male passersby.


Dorothy (has her lunch in a covered basket)
This blows. I mean, this really bites!

Glinda
Make up your mind.

Emily
You kiss your mother with that mouth?

Dorothy
Yeah, and sometimes I give her a little--- (wags tongue at her)

Glinda
I don’t wanna know.

Wizzie
You still bitchin’ ‘bout the party?

Dorothy
Yeah, I’m still bitchin’ ‘bout the party. Gonna keep on bitchin’, too.

Glinda
And this’ll change things exactly--- how?

Emily
Glenda, dear, you simply do not comprehend the gestalt of bitching.

Wizzie (to male passerby)
Woo-hoo! Buns o’ steel!
Glinda
Hey, cupcake, come here and I’ll polish those for ya--- with my ankles!

Dorothy
Gestalt? Do you have any idea what that even means? One community college class and suddenly yer Sigmund Freakin’ Freud?

Emily
No, one fully-functioning brain and I’m a decent human being. You should try it sometime.

Dorothy
You know what, Little Miss Emily, one of these days---

Emily
Why, you can count! Isn’t that sweet?

Dorothy
Bite me.

Glinda
Dorothy, all your whinin’ is gonna do is give you a early heart attack. That’s what happened to my Bert. Nothin’ but negativity mornin’, noon, and night. Now he’s at Beth Israel getting’ a forward pass.

Emily
BYpass, dearie.

Glinda
Huh?

Emily
BY. BY.

Glinda
Where ya goin’?

Dorothy
Yer dumber’ a bag o’ hammers, you know that?

Wizzie
Aw, leave her alone. Just ‘cause you’re pissed off at Frank don’t mean you hafta take it out on us.

Glinda
Yeah! Wasn’t me scheduled a stag party on a workday.
Dorothy
A Friday, no less.

Wizzie
Yeah, yeah. So what? He’s the boss, he can do what he wants.

Glinda (smirking)
Or who he wants.

Dorothy
What’s that s’posed t’ mean?

Glinda (quick glance at Wizzie)
Oh…nothin’.

Emily
Dorothy, dear, you are in need of a refresher course on the Essential Characteristics of the Modern Male.

Dorothy
I know all I need to know--- Frank’s a prick.


(Wizzie giggles, then quickly stifles it)


Emily
That’s the elementary course. This is the advanced. Lesson One--- All men have two brains. And they cannot function simultaneously.

Dorothy
Duh!

Emily
When the more southerly brain is active, the blood supply is re-routed from the upper brain.

Wizzie (spying another male passerby)
Hi, baby! (makes kissing sounds)

Glinda
Honey, a package like that needs a Federal Express truck!

Emily
When the northern brain is engaged, the other one slumbers…but is ever-vigilant.

Wizzie (poking through her lunchbox)
Man, I can never get a good fork.

Glinda (half whisper)
Not what I heard.

Wizzie (glancing at Dorothy)
Ssshh!

Emily
Your darling husband, Frank, our sainted employer, has engaged the clutch—so to speak—on his lower mechanism; thus, he is taking your only begotten son, Ray, out for his 21st birthday party. Predictably, this soiree is occurring, even as we speak, at a neighboring salon of exotique terpsichore.

Dorothy (after a pause)
What in the hell did you just say?

Emily (sighs)
They left us here so they could stuff cash into G-strings at Madame Medusa’s. Jeez!

Dorothy
I know that! No big deal.

Glinda
Then what is your problem?

Dorothy
The problem is that we have to work while they’re off oglin’ implants!

Wizzie
No, the problem is that he picked the strip club where you two met.

Glinda
I think it’s kinda sweet.

Dorothy
Wizzie, spare me the 25-cent analysis.

Emily
Get over it. If you don’t know what to expect from Frank after a quarter-century of wedded bliss---

Dorothy (snorts)
Bliss! Rhymes with---

Wizzie (eyeing male passerby)
---Pistol-Packin’ Peter!

Glinda
Take the safety off that cannon and fire at will, babe!

Dorothy
Will you two put a sock in it! And while yer at it, shut up, too.

Glinda
Quit bein’ such a witch, Dorothy! Just because you can’t keep Frank at home---


(Wizzie punches her in the arm)


Dorothy
What’s that s’posed to mean? (looks at Wizzie) Ah…

Glinda
You know what they say: “There’s no place like home!”

Wizzie
She doesn’t know what she’s talkin’---

Emily
Come on, everyone. Time to get back to work. Grab your tools.

Dorothy
Looks like someone’s already grabbed mine.


(They hop off the scaffold and scatter to their jobs. Wizzie moves DR, Dorothy and Glinda go DL. Emily moves to C to look at blueprints)


Dorothy (low voice, to Glinda)
All right, Glinda, give.

Glinda
What?

Dorothy
You can’t keep a secret to save your Mama’s life. What’s up with Wizzie and Frank?


(Their voices subside, but the conversation continues quietly and intensely)


Emily
Wizzie, we need to get those 2 x 4’s cut.

Wizzie
OK.

Emily
And bring that crowbar when you come.

Wizzie (holding it up— one of the long ones)
This one?

Emily
That’s it.


(Dorothy lets out a roar and grabs Glinda by the hair. She hurls her toward C)


Dorothy
I knew it! (points at Wizzie) I’m gonna fall on you like a two-story house, missy!

Emily
Now, let’s not get---

Dorothy
You stay outta this! (to Wizzie) Yer cover’s blown, honey. Madame Brain-Trust here blabbed the whole thing. (advances to C) I knew that you jumped everything with a fly, but couldn’t you leave my husband alone?

Wizzie
You got it backwards.

Dorothy (laughs)
Oh, I suppose he was all over you, huh?

Wizzie
Like white on rice. At your mama’s wedding.

Dorothy (stops)
That was eight years ago!


Wizzie (shrugs)
Guess ya shoulda had a crystal ball to keep track of him.

Dorothy
I’m gonna break his crystal balls. He never could keep his winkie under control. But first… I’m so gonna mess you up.

Wizzie
Better bring some help. And some bandages.


(They fight at C: Wizzie’s crowbar vs. Dorothy’s hammer and screwdriver. Emily tries to break it up, but is hurled DL. She grabs the trash can lid as a shield and a 3-foot piece of pipe as a weapon. Glinda crawls DR and grabs a 2 x 4 for protection. The fight becomes a vigorous 3-way affair as Emily tries to intervene again. It moves upstage amongst and atop the scaffolding, then moves back to C. Wizzie is flung DR into Glinda. The other pair continues to fight LC)


Wizzie
Thanks a lot, ya little narc!

Glinda
I didn’t mean to!

Wizzie (punches her)
Sorry, I didn’t mean to do that, either.

Glinda
I’m gonna knock yer ass from here to Kansas!

Wizzie (displaying fist)
Not before I show you my white tornado!


(They fight. General melee ensues. Eventually every item on stage—including an oil can and an axe--is used, everyone has fought everyone else, and they are all sprawled about the stage, stunned and exhausted; the last move involves Glinda throwing water in Dorothy’s face)


Dorothy
Thanks a lot, Ding-Dong! (sags; all the fight is out of her now)
Glinda
Aw…isn’t that your pet name for Frank?

Dorothy
‘Pet’ bein’ the operative word. When I get home I’m gonna neuter him.

Emily
I would observe it’s somewhat late in the day to be suddenly so concerned about where his little monkey has been flying.

Wizzie (from the other side of the stage)
Can I come over there now or do I have to take out a restrainin’ order?

Dorothy
Keep away from me!

Emily (chiding)
Dorothy…

Dorothy (starting to cry, but fighting it tooth and nail)
Damn it!


(They all cluster around her. Nothing like tears and misery to make folks forget their differences)


Wizzie
Some friend I am. I’m sorry, Dorothy. (hands her crowbar) Here, you can whack me if you want. Just don’t hit me in the nose. I got two more payments left to go on it yet.

Glinda
I never saw ya cry before.

Dorothy
Yeah. I’m a little rusty at it.

Emily
When I was small and fell into melancholy, my mother would always bring me a treat. Something warm---


(A hunky young lad starts walking past downstage)

Glinda (watching him)
---And sweet.


(She whispers to Wizzie, who whispers to Emily, who nods and approaches the stud muffin; she talks quickly and quietly to him, gesturing toward Dorothy)


Dorothy (almost in a trance)
‘Melancholy’…sounds like a dog that eats cantaloupe.

Glinda
Huh?

Dorothy
‘Cantaloupe’…sounds like what Juliet shoulda said to Romeo.

Glinda
You OK?

Dorothy (wakes herself out of her funk)
Say what? Oh…I’ll live, I guess. More than I can say for Frank.

Wizzie
Aw, he’s a creep. Forget him.

Dorothy
Couldn’t you have had that blazin’ realization about eight years ago? Woulda saved us all this trouble.

Wizzie
Oh, I always knew he was a creep. I’m just a slut. (pause) Hey, that’s where yer all s’posed to jump up and say, “No, no, Wizzie, yer not a slut. Yer just lonely and misunderstood.”

Dorothy/Glinda (robotically, barely keeping a straight face)
“No, no, Wizzie, yer not a slut. Yer just lonely and misunderstood.”

Wizzie
Damn right.

Emily (bringing the young man up to the group)
Dorothy, I’d like to introduce someone to you. This is Gale.

Gale
Hi.

Wizzie (steps forward)
Hi!

Glinda (yanking her back)
Misunderstood, my ass.

Dorothy (adjusting her hair and clothes)
Hi, there. Nice tattoo. What is that?

Gale (flexes bicep)
A rainbow.

Dorothy
Really? I adore rainbows. (Emily hands her something) What’s this?

Emily (whispering)
Key to the trailer, dear. Kindly replace any pictures that get knocked off the walls.

Dorothy (smiles)
Yes’m. (starts walking up right with Gale, arm-in-arm)

Emily
Back to work, ladies.


(Emily, Wizzie, and Glinda scatter about the stage, in the positions they were in before the fight. Dorothy is still walking with Gale)


Dorothy (stroking his butt)
You know, when I was club dancing I used to have a move I called The Rainbow.

Gale
Really?

Dorothy
Used to triple my tips. Maybe I’ll show it to you.


(They are off up right as the lights fade out)
















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