Susan Apple Pie Ala Mode

copyright 2003 Clemstra

"I'm an apple pie," she said to us.

"You don't look like an apple pie," I point out.

"Well I am, I'm just packaged to look like a woman."

I look at the others in the kitchen.

"Packaging now a days is remarkable," says another.

"Okay, well should you go in the oven to bake then," I ask?

"Sure, just remove some of the outer packaging and preservatives," she tells us.

"How do we do this," says I taking the lead here.

"Oh, remove the hair, get the preservatives out by giving me an enema and douching".

"Are you certain your not a real woman then," I ask again?

"No, I'm a pie for baking," she says.

So we removed the hair, gave her an enema, then the pie gave us further instructions.

"Now you have to have your way with me in every way possible," she says.

She hands me printed instructions for Susan Apple Pie Ala Mode. The instructions do say, to have our way with her in every way possible.

We all have sex with the pie. Strange food they have now a days, that you have to have sex with it first.

We followed the further instructions and put her in a big pan. Then put apples, sugar and cinnamon on her, followed by pie crust. Why is it, that the pies do not come with all the ingredients they need, I tell you.

"So Susan Apple Pie Ala Mode," I ask. "Are there any other instructions we need that are not on this paper?"

"No" says the Susan Apple Pie Ala Mode. So we put the pie crust stuff on her, popped her into the oven and turned it on for the pie to bake.

Now as you can see the pie is done, we put ice cream on it - and let me tell you, five hours for a pie to bake is a long time to wait. So excuse me, but we're hungry and will eat our pie now.

They look at me like I'm some type of slime mold.

"First you ate Mr. Brown, now you've eaten Susan" screams the doctor at me.

"Hey, Brown told me he was beef and to eat him. Susan didn't just tell us she was pie, she gave instructions."

I give him the printed instructions.

As I start to get a pie knife to carve up Susan, they grab me and back in the straight jacket I go. Shsssh, just like with the beef last year. I can see them doing the same with the others. This has GOT to STOP.

Last year they ate my beef - funny name for beef Mr. Brown. Now they have stolen my pie named Susan.

"Susan had a DELUSION, as did MR. BROWN," says the one claiming to be THE doctor. He looks at me with disgust and fear.

"Hey, it's not like I put people in the oven, they said they were food."

I hear the people throwing me back into the cell, claiming I'm just totally looney and violent. Hey, she said she was a pie. I tell you, mental health professionals are all food thieves, everyone one of them. I wonder if there are any other talking foods here in the place.

Modern foods, they look so much like people, what a marketing ploy - eh?