Susan, Josh and I

Susan is Josh's best friend. She has been for a long time and I guess its fair to say that the friendship is mutual. Or was. I'm not sure where they're at now as I haven't spoken to or seen either of them for nearly four years. The complication with the friendship was my arrival, though none of us realised it until after the event. Until then the three of us got along just peachy. I was in love with Josh who was my boyfriend and I loved Susan, as cliched as it may sound, like a sister.

I know, I can hear you thinking, you let your boyfriend have a female best friend?!! I did and really it was never an issue. I lie a little here, it was an issue for a short time after I realised that I had fallen in love with Josh. And after the event. But over the course of a few days it was an issue I considered, and considered at some length, before deciding that in fact it wasn't and issue. And it wasn't! Really!

You see, Susan and Josh had been best friends since their mid teenage years. When I met them, and in fact I met Susan first, they had known each other for ten years. They acted like, and were often mistaken for, brother and sister. They could be unbelievably cruel to each other, as only siblings and loved ones can be, then show such love and compassion as to reveal the true depth of the bond that existed between them.

Of course their was a bond between them, pent up sexual frustration can be mistaken for that! You are a cynic aren't you, dear reader? You who don't believe that a man and a woman can have a truly platonic friendship. I want to tell you how wrong you are, but as you will see, perhaps your cynicism is not misplaced at all. Though, right now I have to accept full responsibility for what happened. I made it happen, me alone and so I broke the bond of friendship.

Susan wore her hair shoulder length and blonde back then, though she confided in me that her natural colour was somewhere between "mousy blonde and crappy brown." She said it with a smile and I laughed. She was able to make most people laugh or at least smile and the day we met was just one of those days.

I live in Melbourne, Australia's second city, a city of great cultural charm and personality. I was born here and although I have lived in other cities, Melbourne is my home in every sense of the word. I worked for one of our larger cable television providers in their public relations department. As all Australians, and no doubt anyone who has ever visited this great city know, the weather here is somewhat unpredictable, turning from rain to sunshine and back in the course of a few hours. "Four seasons in one day," is the saying.

It was one such day in spring of 1997 when I stepped off the tram and made a bolt for the shop awnings to escape the pouring rain. The weather man had promised no rain today and foolishly I had believed him leaving my umbrella at home. Why would a native of Melbourne believe the weather man? you ask. The week had been glorious and he had promised more of the same, I guess I wanted to believe. As fate would have it, the decision to leave my umbrella at home led directly to me meeting Susan and through her, Josh.

I stood under the awning with a few others, all of us desperately hoping for a break in the rain to allow us to scurry home. We offered each other weak smiles of acknowledgment, but little else, the rain was so loud against the tin shelter that it was almost deafening. Finally, with a sigh, I realised that standing here was a futile waste of time, so I turned to walk into the rain. As I did, the shop behind me caught my eye and I was drawn toward it. It had been a lunch type café, but was now under new management and had trendied itself up and become a licensed premise and offered continental style dinners. As soon as the door slid shut behind me the ambience embraced me, a gentle warmth, some background music and the chatter of the patrons replacing the maelstrom that surrounded the footpath.

Edging through the crowd I was unable to find a seat and eventually made my way back to the door, staring out at the rain which, if anything, seemed to have intensified. I watched as one of my fellow tram travellers dashed into the rain and in a matter of seconds his dark suit was soaked through.

'Do you want to sit with us?' At first I ignored the question, thinking it was to someone else, but I turned when a hand touched my elbow lightly. It was Susan, though I didn't know her name at the time, and she stood there with a slight smile. She turned and indicated with a nod of her head, a square table against the wall where Josh sat, watching us intently. He smiled as our eyes met and I smiled back.

'Oh, thanks, but that's okay, I don't want to intrude on you and your...' I trailed off, unsure as what to refer to the dark eyed man with the tousled dark hair. Boyfriend, husband? I envied her at that moment, he had a look that was just the right combination of boyishly handsome with kind eyes that attracted me intensely.

'He's just a friend,' she smiled. 'Seriously,' Susan added, turning back to me, 'no matter how annoying we are, it has to be better than standing out there!' I laughed and let her lead me to the table.

'I'm Susan,' she held out her hand and I was pleased to feel a firm, but feminine grip. Too many women offer the dead fish, as I call it. 'And this is Josh.' He tried to stand, but the gap between his chair and the wall was too narrow and he sort of half crouched.

'Hi Josh,' I said, accepting his grip and holding it a moment longer than I had with Susan. His eyes seemed to look into me and I was glad that Susan had insisted on me joining them. 'I'm sorry to intrude...'

'Not at all,' he countered, returning to his seat as Susan and I sat on either side of him. As we did a waiter took away the fourth chair without pausing to ask. 'I guess we're not allowed any more guests.'

'I haven't been here before,' I said, looking around.

'Only been a week since it re-opened,' Susan replied, 'and so far we've been here every day. The food's great...'

'As is the service,' Josh interrupted as he successfully signalled a harassed looking waitress. 'Drink?' he asked me.

'Uh, yes,' I said, glancing at theirs, relieved to see that they were drinking the alcoholic variety.

'A merlot,' I said to the waitress.

'A bottle of Grant Burge in fact,' Josh amended my order. 'And we need an extra glass for...'

'Oh, sorry,' I blushed. 'Alexandra.' I recovered my composure as the waitress pushed away through the crowd which seemed to have swelled more since my arrival.

The rest of the evening passed in a comfortable blur of wine, food and conversation. I have no recollection of when the rain stopped, which should have been my cue to depart, but when we stepped into the cool and fresh air, cleaned of it's big city smog by the cold front that had swept through, the streets were drying and only a few puddles remained to remind us of the downpour. It turned out that they lived only a few blocks from the café, as I did, albeit in the opposite direction. We shook hands and parted and during the walk home I reflected on my new found friends.

They both attracted me, but in very different ways. Josh, as I said, appealed to me in looks, but also in personality. I had no idea why he and Susan weren't together, nor had ever been. They liked each other a lot and I knew a few married couples who had made the lifelong commitment based on a lot less. Susan's slim figure and shoulder length blonde hair and hazel eyes (which I've always thought meant a mix of colours too difficult to define), made her an attractive person too, but I've never looked at women that way, except perhaps in the "is she prettier than me?" kind of way. But she was good humoured, compassionate, observant of others without being unkind, (even to strangers, which I admit can be fun at times!). I found myself thinking that had I been a man, she was the kind of woman I'd want to date. Of course, I was only thinking that to try and assess why she and Josh hadn't dated each other.

***

The friendship grew between the three of us, but it was six months before I finally made a move on Josh. I wasn't sure how things would stand with Susan, for despite what she said they appeared to me as a couple would. But it was Susan who gave me the all clear, when she started dating Matt. He was a professional footballer, tall, very handsome, very fit, but as they say, "dumb as a box of hammers." He was fun enough to be able to recognise his intellectual shortcomings and that made me like him.

One Saturday night, at the town house that Susan and Josh shared, the four of us had dinner, a process that I discovered had Susan cooking while Josh entertained. I left Josh and Matt talking sport and wandered into the kitchen to assist Susan who was bustling around, scraping dinner plates clean and readying desert.

'How're things going with Matt?' I asked. As you can gather, I now felt exceptionally comfortable around them and thought nothing of such an intrusive question.

'Okay,' she said, smiling up at me, pausing to use the back of her hand to brush away a lock of hair that had fallen across her eye. 'The sex is great!'

'But he only rates an okay?'

'Yeah.' Susan put down the plate and looked at me. 'I've come to realise that there's a use by date on toy boys.'

'Are you going to break up with him?' I must've looked a little incredulous because she smiled and shook her head.

'Well, I kind of want to, but he's sooo sweet, its going to be hard.'

'Yeah, I know what you mean,' I nodded sympathetically. 'But he's going to realise soon enough if you don't like him.'

'Maybe,' she said. 'I think I'm treating him differently already, but if he does notice, he doesn't let on. He keeps touching me, and I must admit that once we're in bed...' She smiled a little self consciously.

'Lucky you,' I feigned a scowl.

'Well, that's your fault. Why the hell haven't you sent any signals Josh's way? I thought you liked him?'

I stood there stunned. I knew that I liked him, but out of respect for Susan I had fought to keep any sign of that attraction hidden. And believed that I had done a very good job.

'He likes you too, you know,' she added softly.

'He does?' The words came out partly choked. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I was standing here with Susan encouraging me to make a move on her best friend. I was about to argue when I realised that it was what I wanted, and according to Susan, what Josh wanted as well.

Normally our dinners ran into the next morning, but that night, just before twelve, Susan dragged a willing Matt upstairs and Josh and I were left together.

The next ten minutes were perhaps the most awkward I could recall in my adult life. Josh and I attempted to engage in small talk as the sounds of Susan and Matt's sexual activity drifted down the staircase. Matt was a loud man and we could hear his moans of encouragement. Finally we fell into silence, entranced by the sounds above.

'Oh yeah,' came Matt's hoarse whisper. 'Suck it in.' I felt my cheeks flush and looked over at Josh, only to meet his eyes and have him look quickly away. At the same time I felt a sliver of excitement arc through me.

'God Susan, that feels good.' I swallowed and reached for my glass, desperately trying to think of something to say. We heard Susan's giggle turn to a moan, accompanied by the sounds of flesh slapping together.

'Christ, have they got the door open?' Josh muttered. I almost choked on my drink then began to shake with laughter. Josh joined in and suddenly we were in fits. What made it worse was that we knew that if we could hear them having sex, they could hear us laughing. Realising our predicament, Josh stood and grabbed my hand, dragging me into the kitchen and kicking the door shut with his foot. For a minute or two we stood there laughing like children until we were back in control.

We continued to chat and drink and the whole time my mind raced over ways to indicate that I was interested. In the end, as he began to stack the empty glasses into the dish washer, I simply walked up to him and kissed him on the mouth. I felt his body tense against mine, then he relaxed, his mouth opening to permit my tongue access and we stood in the darkened kitchen kissing, with ever increasing urgency. I knew that Josh's room was upstairs at the opposite end of the town house to Susan's and that there was no way that she or Matt would hear us, or us them, but I was reluctant to break the kiss to move to his bedroom in case Josh suddenly decided that this wasn't a good idea. As it transpired, Josh was thinking the same thoughts so we had sex for the first time right there in the kitchen.

I felt like a teenager as my hand rubbed him to full erection through his pants. I stopped moving long enough for him to pull my shirt open and fumble my bra catch undone. His mouth closed on my nipple and I let out a long sigh at the warmth of his tongue. I was naked by the time I had wrestled the buttons on his fly open. He pressed his body against mine, one arm around my shoulders to support my weight as his fingers manipulated my clitoris, snaked inside me, stroked my labia and finally transported me into a climax. I was weightless and his ability to make me come standing up excited me in a way that I hadn't been for a long time.

I had barely recovered when he lifted me onto the cold granite bench and closed his mouth over me. His tongue traced dainty patterns around my clitoris and teased me with small darting excursions inside me. I found myself holding my breath and repeatedly had to release it in an explosive gasp. Finally I grabbed the back of his head, mashed my sex against his face and forced him to make me come under threat of suffocation. My second orgasm was the best, a long series of waves of pleasure that emanated from his tongue and mouth, up through my body. I collapsed back across the bench, my head hanging down the other side as I slowly recovered my equilibrium.

Josh gently took my ankles in his hands, slid me towards the edge of the bench and smoothly entered me. I gasped at the penetration, at the feeling of his heat spearing into me and attempted to clamp my thighs shut. His hands held my legs apart and I writhed in pleasure as he languidly thrust in and out of my compliant and willing body. I looked up to see that he had simply pushed his jeans open and was otherwise fully dressed. I dropped my head onto the bench and savoured this man who was taking me to places of pleasure I had almost forgotten existed.

Feeling my third orgasm approach, I wanted him to release too. I looked at him, flashed my eyes and then looked down along my body to where we were joined.

'Fuck me Josh,' I whispered. He hesitated for a moment and I saw his eyes widen, in surprise at the profanity no doubt. Most men want their women to be sluts in the bedroom but are often surprised the first time they find that she actually can be.

'Faster,' I encouraged. He complied and soon the sound of our bodies slapping wetly together filled the kitchen. We were still both conscious of Matt and Susan's proximity as we came, mine a short sharp climax a moment before Josh. The veins in his neck stood out and he thrust once into me and I felt his hot semen pour into me. Between each spasm he would thrust in and out of me and I watched through my own pleasure as with teeth gritted and narrow eyes, he emptied himself into me.

It was good, as first time sex usually is. It was the first sexual contact with another person that either of us had had for some months. It was the first and last time that I let Josh come inside me without a condom, it isn't something I would normally do but the months of sexual frustration simply overruled common sense. I guess that's why there's more than a few pregnant teenagers out there!

***

It took six more months before I said those three little words to Josh. In the meantime Susan had given Matt the boot, not because she finally overcame her inhibitions about dumping a guy who was "soooo sweet," but because she caught him playing around behind her back with a few adoring fans. It made the dumping so much easier.

***

I was always conscious of Susan and made sure she was included in everything we did. Well almost everything! It came to a head just before I lost my job, when Josh, for our six months anniversary booked us into Mietta's, one of Melbourne's most exclusive and romantic restaurants, with first class tickets to Miss Saigon. That day at work was the second worst day I had, with client complaints mounting over programming changes we had made. I hadn't agreed with the fairness of the changes and had said as much and now felt that the huge volume of complaints vindicated my opposition. The Sydney head office called me just before lunch and ordered me onto a plane for an urgent meeting. From the tone of the call I understood that a "no" was not going to be tolerated.

Flustered, I had to immediately ring Josh and tell him that I wouldn't be back that night.

'Oh, that's a bummer, can't you put the meeting off a day?' He was clearly disappointed at my news, and I felt butterflies in my stomach and the thought that our anniversary meant so much to him too. Such moments are often a girl thing and pass unnoticed by the men in our lives, so I was very happy to know that the man in my life shared such feelings.

'I can't do anything, the situation here is a bit out of control,' I replied.

'Okay,' he replied. 'You'll be home tomorrow though, right?'

'Yes, absolutely,' I promised. An idea struck me. 'Why don't you take Susan tonight, you guys haven't done anything without me for, well I don't know how long its been.'

'You're kidding right?' I could hear genuine disbelief in his voice.

'No, not at all. You guys are best friends and I have no doubt that Susan wants to talk to you about where we're heading and that sort of stuff. She's been single for a while and might be a little lonely.'

'This is our anniversary,' he said slowly as though I had forgotten.

'Yes, I know that silly. But it would be a shame to waste those Miss Saigon tickets and bookings at Mietta's aren't exactly easy to come by.'

'Its my anniversary with you,' he said again. 'I'm starting to think that you're obsessed with Susan, you're not using me to get to her are you?'

'Ha ha,' I replied sarcastically. 'I'm not going to be the one to come between two great friends...'

'And you aren't. If anything you're compromising our relationship for the sake of Susan. And Susan is a grown woman who can take care of herself. We've always known that once one of us ended up in a serious relationship, that things would change, but we also know that our friendship is way too strong to be broken by such a change. Hell our friendship has changed as often as we have, that's why its lasted as long as it has.'

'Oh.' It was all I could think of. 'Its just that...well I don't know what I thought Josh. Its so rare that a man and a woman can be close friends without things eventually...well you know.'

'Yeah, I know,' he agreed. 'And we've discussed it. Often. We've both thought about it. But we know that sex would change our friendship forever. We agreed that we don't want that to happen.'

'Oh God Josh, I'm sorry, its just that Susan and you invited me into your lives and I don't want to be a home wrecker.'

'And you're not! And Susan doesn't think so either.'

'Well take her to dinner tonight and reconfirm that...for me if not for you!'

'I'll think about it,' he said. 'I'm going to miss you,' he said. This time the butterflies were accompanied by my heart skipping.