Swapped Ch. 02

Kristina wasn't certain how she'd managed to go the entire day without saying anything rude to that piece of human excrement but she'd managed it. Managed it after cleaning the ladies room, emptying all of the trash bins, tidying up the break room, retrieving shopping carts from the parking lot and then dressing down all the shelves in the store. She'd ignored through sheer force of will the fact that Peter was drooling over her and probably had her emptying trash cans and dressing down shelves so she'd have to lean over.

It didn't matter that she'd gotten through the day by fantasizing that her boyfriend, Ryan, would accidently tip a shelf over onto Peter. The idea had crossed her mind a couple times to see if she could move one of the caution signs and watch him slip. The only thing that stopped her from doing it was a nagging feeling that this might not be a crazy dream. It certainly seemed a more realistic than the idea that she was actually a man whose house was broken into by a bullet proof man dressed like an extra from a Michael Jackson video.

She'd stopped to pick up a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup Blizzard and taken the long way home on top of that. Kristina didn't want to admit it but she was really just killing time in the hope that Jacob would call and invite her over. The last thing she wanted to do was spent the night alone. The chances of him calling though were pretty low. The only reason Jacob would call was if he needed a quick fuck, or a long fuck. Either way he wasn't the type who'd call just to talk about his day.

There wasn't anything else to occupy her mind so Kristina let her mind dwell on that for a moment. She was with a man who didn't seem to have much use for anything but her outside of sex. He didn't tell her she was beautiful, he didn't ask her about her day, half the time when she called him to vent he was too busy doing whatever the fuck he was doing to pay any attention to her...and there were here tiny feet skipping along the sidewalk. Jacob was a jerk.

Except for the times that he wasn't one and he managed to make the world seem like it revolved around her. Like when he insisted on being the first person to wish her a happy birthday each year so he'd make sure he spent the night before with her and if he couldn't do that he'd call her just before midnight. Jacob loved to write her long and often lewd letters promising what he was going to do when they went on vacation and he always lived up to his promises of bubble baths, chocolate strawberries and kissing her from head to toe. Growing up with three sisters had given him a excellent eye for women's clothing, shoes in particular and an ability to do women's hair that he swore he kill her if she let out. Only he seemed to accidentally let it slip frequently around her female friends. Kristina was aware that the only reason he bothered doing her hair, nails and dressing her was because he got off on treating her like a real life fetish Barbie doll but that didn't matter. If he was going to take the time to wash her hair and pamper her dressing up like Lara Croft, Chun Li, Sailor Moon or whatever video game, cartoon character had his cock hard that week was an 'equitable transaction' as he'd say. Now if only those days came more than a couple times a year and if he didn't treat her like a cum receptacle most of the days between.

An angry slurping noise alerted Kristina that she was out of shake, out of stupid turns to make to avoid going home in the hopes that he'd call and her mind was coming back around to the certainty that she wasn't supposed to be a she. In fact everything was wrong, she knew the streets but couldn't remember any of the names but she didn't know her address. She knew Kris's though, and a bunch of other very specific things about him where all her personal memories were a little vague.

Instead of going home Kristina pulled into the park and climbed to the top of jungle gym. It was odd, Kristina was having a hard time believing in the delusion that she was a man but she certainly remembered climbing to the top of this being a lot more like jumping and pulling straight to the top instead of weaving between the bars. She also distinctly remembered not being able to navigate the bars like a spider monkey. Both had there advantages but it was an interesting contrast.

Kristina let her eyes drift up to the sky, the sun was just about to set. If she stood up she'd be able to see it set behind the mountains instead of a row of houses. There'd be another tomorrow though and she was more interested in her questions for the moment.

"Why am I a woman?" Kristina asked the sky. Of course the quickly darkening sky offered only stars. "That would be useful if I spoke Twinkle Twinkle."

"Actually the proper term is Celestial." The sudden intrusion startled Kristina sending her tumbling awkwardly down to the bottom of the jungle gym. Somehow she managed to land flat on her back with her legs still caught on the bottom bars, more embarrassed than hurt. "Are you okay?!" The woman who just a moment before had startled Kristina half to death ran over and sank to her knees gently cradling her head. "I didn't mean to frighten you."

Kristina had to close her eyes to keep the world from spinning but she managed a nod. "Just a little disoriented, that would be fun if I did it on purpose." She forced a smile as she opened her eyes. The woman holding Kristina's head was striking. Her red hair was pulled back in a ponytail and she was wearing a suit skirt that looked entirely out of place on a playground.

"Oh good." If Kristina hadn't been certain people could blush at will he would have sworn that was exactly what had happened there. It looked too practiced and she thought the woman's eyes flashed momentarily before she looked away. It was impossible. The woman didn't seem to have any idea what was appropriate to do with her hands though so she fidgeted them back and forth ultimately settling on pressing her index fingers together. "Can you stand?"

Kristina could stand. The fact that Kris was perfectly happy with his head in a woman's lap was another matter entirely. She had a strange, beautiful quality that Kristina had to take an extra second to absorb and it seemed as absurd as her earlier thoughts. The woman's face was entirely too perfect, not too beautiful, she was beautiful but like she'd fallen out of a painting with her high cheekbones, full lips and strong eyes. "Yes." Kristina said after an uncomfortable silence. "So you speak Twinkle Twinkle?"

"Celestial." The rose to her feet in a single smooth motion that looked impossible even in the sensible heels she was wearing. Kristina was certain she didn't look nearly as graceful using the jungle gym as leverage to pull herself upright. "And yes I can speak a little of it. Not much." Kristina started to laugh but the woman's didn't sound like she was joking.

"Okay, I'll bite. What are they saying?"

The woman smiled and turned her gaze up toward the sky. "Right now it's just hello." Kristina rolled her eyes. "They're usually quiet until they're more of them out though and I only understand some of it." The woman was insane. The idea of being alone in the dark with a crazy person wasn't comforting but Kristina would have preferred that to what came next. "They're of course very curious about you Kris."

It was fortunate Kristina was still holding onto the jungle gym because her knees buckled. "What did you just call me?"

"I called you Kris. That's your name." The woman replied.

Kristina steadied herself. "Okay, what makes you say that?"

The woman's eyes narrowed angrily and this time Kristina was certain she'd saw them flicker from emerald to ruby for a second. Tiny angry lines spread around her eyes and mouth but they all faded away and were replaced with a smile so obviously counterfeit it was alarming. "Let's not play stupid Kris. We both know you have above average spiritual awareness." Kristina blinked. "So you can drop the act."

Kristina took a step back slowly backing away from the obvious mental patient and trying to estimate how far she was from her car. The woman was between her and the car running away from the woman would just lead her farther into the park back towards the trees. She didn't want to run towards the trees, the trees were a bad place. "I'm not acting." Kristina's eyes dashed left and right hoping for an out and finding none, none but the trees that suddenly seemed closer, darker and more foreboding than a few moments before.

"Of course you're not. You only instantly realized you were in Dreamscape and hurt That Man before he realized you were control of your space." She took a step forward but the world seemed to shift closing the gap between them far more than her stride. "You could have actually wounded him if you hadn't woken when you did."

"Lady I have no idea what you're talking about." Kristina glanced to her car on final time and made up her mind. She could make it, she turned and sprinted towards her car fumbling then juggling her keys along the way.

She'd covered less than half the distance when the woman sort of shifted into her path, her feet didn't move she just slid and was there. "Really? You intend to run from me?" Kristina gasped and leapt backward covering a lot more ground than she'd expected and skidding a few more feet on the soft grass. There wasn't time to figure out how she'd managed that though, she pivoted on towards the trees and ignored the long shadows as she dashed away from the woman. Kristina didn't know she could run as fast as she was moving. The trees seemed to just be blurs on the edges of her vision. She had no idea how she was dodging them all either but it didn't matter. The only thing that was important was getting away from that woman.

The woman who was out of sight and not following her.

Actually the only things in sight were trees and in a few spots where fences raised up and out of sight. It was impossible. The entire park wasn't big enough to get lost in. The trees were just thick enough to conceal you from and random strangers so drug deals, sex and occasionally worse things happened back here. It wasn't an endless forest!

Kristina spun around hoping to see the way she'd come so she could return back the way she came but every direction looked exactly the same. After spinning around a few times she finally gave up and picking a direction and walking in the hopes that she'd find the edge of the forest.

OoOoO

Martin woke up to the smell of bacon frying and pots clattering. That was certainly an unusual but pleasant way to take up. Except for the fact that last he checked the only food in the house was pizza and liquor and there was nobody around to be cooking anything. He was nude, but that wasn't particularly surprising, he never wore more than his boxers to sleep anyway. The only reason he slipped on a pair of sweat pants was the off chance he was going to need the baseball bat he slipped from under his bed. His father had always insisted on him keeping a weapon encase of rapists. Something that seemed a little silly now that he thought about it. Nobody ever broke into houses and raped men.

I'm actually supposed to be a woman.

Martin shrugged the odd thought aside and stepped out of his room and into the hallway. He hadn't heard it before but there was music playing, irritatingly sweet pop music. Something he wished he hadn't heard because now he'd have that obnoxious tone jaunting around his head for hours if not longer. "Okay, you do know breaking and entering is..."

Whatever Martin had started saying was lost when he stepped into his kitchen and Sheila was there. She'd done something to the island involving flowers, fruits, silverware and plates he had for when his parents came over (so never) and even his actual glass glasses but the actual eye catch was her.

Sheila was wearing a pair of open toed red strap heels and an apron she'd gotten him as a joke years before that said 'F*CK THE CHEF' across the chest. Other than a pair of purple ribbons pulling her hair back into pigtails she that was all she was wearing. "Morning sleepy head!" Martin would have sworn it was her and not the lights illuminating the room from the smile she gave him. She came bounding across the room to wrap him up in a hug. "I thought you might like breakfast but you never keep anything in the fridge."

Martin set the bat down on a counter as inconspicuously as he could manage and wrapped his arms around her. She smelled like bacon, which brought his attention back to the stove. "I totally forgot to make you do the walk of shame last night didn't I?" Being a smart ass earned him a jab in the shoulder with a spatula as Sheila pulled away and practically danced back to the stove.

"Yes you forgot to kick me out." Sheila smiled. "And you got eggs and bacey coming right up." She popped her hips back moving up onto her toes and glancing suggestively over her shoulder. "And if you're good maybe I can squeeze you in before I have to go to work."

There were apparently worse things than forgetting to send your girlfriend home so you could sleep in and eat cold pizza while watching television.

Martin wasn't about to argue with a free breakfast so he politely sat down at the island and remained quiet for almost an entire minute. "Do we have to listen to this crap?" It wasn't just the cheery tone, now that he was closer to it he could hear the lyrics. It was some girl band about how you don't need a man to be happy and any of them could replace a man in a second. You'd think not playing 'I hate men' music at your boyfriend's house would be common sense. Just like it was common fucking sense that he kept his porn hidden in an old shoebox under his bed.

That wasn't what Sheila wanted to hear. She didn't say anything, she silently stalked over to the IPod and jabbed her finger at it a few times before returning to the stove. Martin wasn't an expert on body language but he recognized that tight shoulders, tensed butt cheeks, close elbows look generally preceded her acting like he'd done something wrong. It was too damn early to be dealing with this shit though.

The idea of apologizing crossed Martin's mind but he didn't have anything to be sorry about. So he grabbed the remote and turned on the television drowning out whatever music she had turn to. Sheila maintained her silence, which was better than bitching at him like he'd expected. Martin jumped slightly when she slammed a plate in front of him breaking the delicate yolks of his eggs over easy. "Great, they broke." He thought he'd said that to himself but the angrily huff Sheila stormed off in suggested otherwise.

The last thing he was going to do though was let his, four...why was there so much food on his plate? He wasn't about to let it go cold while she acted unreasonably. There was no point in letting good food get cold though.

"I'll just see if Alex is interested in a nooner!" Sheila thundered as she stormed towards the door.

"Goddamnit." The only reason Martin got up at all was Mary insisting he go after her and apologize. The truth was he didn't want to deal with whatever her petty ten o'clock in the morning bullshit was. If she needed to go fuck Alex or Brad or Jason on the way home to work through whatever that shit was fine. It was just sex.

He caught up to her halfway to her car and hugged her from behind. "Just let me go!" She wriggled but more against him than trying to escape. "You fall asleep after sex and I forgive you, I wake up to cook you breakfast and you complain about my music, I put our food together so I can sit in your lap and feed you and you bitch about broken yolks." Sheila crossed her arms over his.

She could see his expression so she missed both the smile at the idea of being fed and the annoyed eye roll at her attitude in general. "I'm sorry." Martin wasn't certain if he actually meant it or not.

"You mean it?"

"Yeah, c'mon. Let's go back to the apartment, finish eating." Martin pressed his lips right beneath her ear. Right on the sweet spot. It was like an on switch. Martin could feel the difference. Her entire body warmed a few degrees and pressed back against him. "And then we can have a nice nooner of our own."

I'm sorry, lets fuck wasn't the what she wanted to hear.

Sheila elbowed Martin hard in the ribs. "I should have known you weren't sorry! You know I'm gonna let Alex have my ass, just like you always want!" She shouted. Any thoughts Martin had of following her were killed by the accusing stares of his neighbors. That sent him scurrying back to his apartment where his food was cold. The toast and bacon were salvageable so he slid them onto a separate plate and walked over to the couch.

In the moment he took to grab the remote That Man appeared beside him. He was wearing a vibrant blue suit, sporting a goatee and small round orange tinted glasses. "Not so easy being a man is it?" Martin leapt back slamming his head against the wall and sliding back into place. Before he could move again That Man reached out and slapped one hand across his chest holding him down. "Relax. I'm not here to hurt you. You made a wish and one of my associates saw fit to grant it." He smiled and Martin felt like the air had been sucked from the room. "Of course she didn't know at the time you were cursing a boy with the Gift." Knotting Martin's shirt around his fist That Man pulled Martin close and inhaled. "You have a touch of it as well. Figures." Martin was flung across the room landing in a heap beneath his television. "Okay, cute." His eyes shifted to flat gold. "That explains why things are unraveling so quickly." Martin started to fidget. "Stay there. I'll have to talk to my protégé about this in the future. Normally this whole Freaky Friday gimmick just sort of shunts your souls around, gives you a couple days to figure your shit out and despite the Hollywood gooblydegook about you learning an important life lesson, in your case it would be that your boyfriend loves you very much. And you know that which is why you put up with him even when he doesn't feel like dealing with your whiny crybaby bullshit. Oh and it probably wouldn't kill you to at least suggest an activity or two or volunteer to be dressed up since you seem to like that." That Man's smile grew and the room darkened a bit. "Unfortunately with you two it's not doing that and will become permanent in a few hours. I won't bore you with the details though. Just go unfuck this." When That Man snapped his fingers the world went white and Martin found himself lying in the middle of a forest staring up at Kristina.

OoOoO

Kristina hefted the thick branch up overhead and brought it down aiming straight for Martin's skull. She missed by less than an inch because Martin rolled to one side snatching the stick away. "The fuck is the matter with you? You just see someone and try to bash their brains out?" He was on his feet in an instant. Kristina fell and started scooting back away from Martin until a tree blocked her escape route. Stick still in hand Martin marched forward. "I asked you a question!" He reared back like a baseball player and swung the branch as hard as he could. The only thing Kristina was fast enough to was curl into ball and wait for the blow. She heard it crack against the tree showering her with splinters. "I won't miss next time."

"I'm sorry!" Kristina cried out. She hated how terrified she was, hated that she couldn't stop the tears clouding her vision. "Don't hurt me." She whimpered.

"Get up." Martin grumbled. Kristina did as she could as quickly as she could manage. "So you're stuck here too?" Kristina nodded and sobbed. "Stop crying. It's annoying and it's not helping a damn thing."

Kristina glared up Martin angrily. He a foot or more taller than she was, she was barely staring him in his moderately attractive smooth hairless chest. "Shut up!" If she had any control at all over her tears she wouldn't be crying, she would let a single tear flow but she couldn't and him yelling at her holding the remnants of his weapon. "I said shut up."