tagHumor & SatireSWM, Dark Hair, Undead

SWM, Dark Hair, Undead

bySoul Janitor©

Count Dracula laughed knowingly as he stood with his new young protege at the top of the driveway of 1746 Maple Pie Avenue, peering through the midnight darkness at the windows of the Gripshaw house.

"Tonight we shall drink, and drink well!" the Prince of Darkness cackled in a thick Transylvanian accent (which was by no means easy for him, since he was actually from Jacksonville). "Within this house resides the toothsome high schooler Mary Fay Gripshaw, whom I have long desired to make one of my many brides!"

Dracula's most recent addition to the vampire family, twenty-four year old Chet Cakeway, looked up at the Count in awe. "Sounds good, Master," he said. He had been bitten by the Count the evening before, between the fourth and fifth frames of his shoe store's Friday night bowl-off against those jerks from the South Street 7-11. He was looking forward to the life of a vampire and already found it far more preferable than working for a living. The only disadvantage he could see was that he would have to sleep during all the daylight hours, and being a huge Eagles fan, that could spell trouble on Sunday afternoons.

On the second floor of the Gripshaw abode, a bedroom light went out. Dracula rubbed his hands together. "It is time for the king of vampires to attack," he said lustily. "Let's go. You're wearing tennis shoes, right?"

"Right," said Chet.

"Now, I'm going to change into a bat and fly to her window. You sneak in the back door, go upstairs, and let me in from above. Do you understand Count Dracula's fiendish instructions?"

"I guess," Chet said. "Except a crowbar cost like fifteen bucks at Home Depot and all I had was seven because I thought we were getting paid this week but then I remembered pay week was last week, so I just brought a screwdriver to get in the door."

"Whatever, whatever," said Dracula, and with that, he mutated into an ugly yet eerily graceful bat before Chet's eyes, lighting upwards into the night sky!

Chet went around the back of the house and pried open the back door. He snuck up the steps and put his ear up to the door of one of the two bedrooms on this level. He heard faint sounds of grunting and panting, and he could make out the voices of a man and woman.

"Don't even think about putting it in there, Pete, not there!" the woman was saying, trying to keep her voice down. "Not until you get the Corolla fixed like you said you would!"

"Oh hell," the man replied, groaning. "If I promise to take it in on Wednesday, will you at least let me go halfway?"

Chet crept away from that door and pushed open the entrance to the other bedroom. Within lay barely-legal Mary Fay Gripshaw, co-captain of the Beevit High cheerleading squad and assistant treasurer-elect of the French Club, soundly asleep. Posters of The Backstreet Boys and the cast of Friends adorned her walls. When Chet laid eyes upon her, he drew in a surprised breath. She was stunningly beautiful, her blonde hair cascading over her pillow as he had always believed hair could cascade given the right mood lighting. Her translucent nightie outlined her nubile body to stunning effect.

Dracula was tapping on her windowpane. "Open up already," he complained. Chet moved across the room and let him in. There was an awkward moment when Chet shut the window on the Count's cape, causing Dracula to be jerked roughly backward when he tried to move toward the bed.

"Sorry about that," Chet said. "Hey, at least now I know another good thing about becoming a vampire. Just look at that hot boot!"

"Show respect for Dracula's future bride!" Dracula hissed, swirling his cape threateningly over the lower half of his face. He swirled it a bit too far and knocked over a candle shaped like Homer Simpson which sat on Mary Fay's bureau. "Now, you shall watch and learn. You are about to receive an education in the black art of vampirism!"

Dracula and Chet moved silently to Mary Fay's bedside. She shifted in her bed a little, the movement drawing the nightie more tautly over her large beams, upon which her nipples were faintly visible.

"Man oh man," Chet whispered.

"Indeed," Dracula said, and crouched down. "And now...to drink!" With that, he exposed his fangs and allowed them to descend hungrily toward the innocent's neck. Poor Mary Fay, unaware of the terror that hovered above her, could do nothing to resist as the vampire pierced the soft flesh of her throat and drank.

"Ewwwwww," Chet noted.

Dracula drank until he was sated, which took several minutes, during which Mary Fay, from the depths of her unconsciousness, moaned and actually drew Dracula closer. Her nightgown rode most of the way up to her hips, and Chet was afforded quite a view of the smooth skin of the girl's fleshy thighs.

"Damn," he said as Dracula completed his task and rose to his feet again.

"Now she is a vampire!" Dracula whispered. "She will do anything I say, kneel to my every bidding!"

Mary Fay opened her eyes, still sleepy and confused, but instinctively looking into Dracula's own and asking him, "What do you command, Master?"

"My child," Dracula told her, "you will go out into the world night after night and create an army of vampires. You shall begin this very evening. Now arise, and while I and my protege Chet go east to the ocean, you shall go west, toward the Otis Town Fashion Mall, and feast on human blood all the way. Good night!" And with that, Dracula spun around intently and began to step toward the window, accidentally slamming his hand against Mary Fay's armoire, which was about twice as painful as it looked.

"That's it?" Chet asked, confused. "That's all you're going to ask her to do?"

"She will faithfully fulfill her duties as a vampire," Dracula told him. "It is as I command!"

"But she'll do anything, dude," Chet said, gawking at Mary Fay's slinky body and freshly washed hair, which continued to cascade most impressively. "She's, like, your willing bride."

"What are you getting at?' Dracula asked, irritated.

Chet shrugged. "Nothing, man, I'm just saying....she's an eighteen-year-old girl, right? You're just going to suck her blood and leave without, like, taking advantage of the situation?"

Dracula peered at Mary Fay, hypnotizing her. "My puny student is correct," he said softly. "Mary Fay Gripshaw....before you venture out into the dark night to spread the disease of vampirism to an unsuspecting world, you shall make us a tray of peanut butter cookies, from scratch!"

"Yes, Master," Mary Kay replied sleepily. "I shall do as you wish."

Chet rolled his eyes. "No, man, I'm talking about, like, sex."

Dracula's eyes widened so much that one of his contacts fell out. "How dare you corrupt the meaning of vampirism with such childish desires of the flesh!" he spat. "You have much to learn, protege!"

"Wouldn't the meaning of vampirism still be uncorrupted if you just, like, felt her mams a little?" Chet asked, honestly befuddled. "I mean, she's totally hot. You are normal, aren't you?"

"Of course," Dracula snapped, resenting the implication and getting really ticked off that this was about the fourteenth time he'd heard it in the past six months. "But this is unthinkable. Now, let us be off, foolish one."

Mary Kay sat up in bed, coming partially out of her undead trance. "That doesn't sound too bad, actually," she said.

"Hush, child," Dracula said to her. "You know not of what you speak."

"Well, I am your bride," she said poutily. "What kind of man would you be if you didn't consummate the marriage?"

Dracula put one hand to his forehead in vexation. "Look, the word 'bride' is just a term we use, all right? Don't take it so literally. Christ!"

"Come on, Count," Mary Fay said, brushing the hair away and lowering the shoulders of her nightie to expose the upper mounds of her bosom. "Be a man, let's get a little motion going on."

"There you go!" Chet said excitedly.

"You are but a girl of eighteen years!" Dracula exclaimed to Mary Fay, re-adjusting the shoulders of her nightgown to cover her cleavage fully. "You know nothing of vampirism, and you know nothing of the sacred joining of human bodies!"

"Oh, my ass," Mary Fay protested. "I've shnazzed three guys already. I'll bet their wangies were bigger than yours is."

"Enough!" Dracula exclaimed. "You have both offended Dracula, and if there is any further pointless gabbing, I shall leave both of you to fend for yourselves without my invaluable tutelage!"

While he was protesting, Mary Fay was busy unzipping his pants and fishing one hand around inside. "Oh, well, maybe I was wrong," she said. "You're pretty well hung after all." She pulled Dracula's flute through the fly of his trousers and gave it a few friendly tugs.

"Oh, you are so doomed, dude," Chet commented to the Count.

Mary Kay opened her mouth and wrapped her teenybopper lips around the Count's foghorn, moving her head back and forth enthusiastically.

"This is a monstrous affront to the vampire's code, which I myself helped to create at the Vampire's Constitutional Congress of 1641!" Dracula persisted even as he got harder and harder inside Mary Fay's mouth.

"Check out this monstrous front, baby," Mary Kay said, temporarily getting some air and pulling her nightgown entirely off. Her blinkers were even a little bigger than Chet had even thought. "Now, you, sweetie, there's no reason you can't be eating my thelma while Drac and I do our thing. How sharp are your fangs?"

"Not too sharp at all yet!" Chet said happily, getting down on his knees.

"Too bad, actually," Mary Kay said, licking the pre-pop off the Count's rooster. The Count, meanwhile, stood rooted in place, seeming greatly displeased at the goings-on but deciding that since the night was pretty much ruined anyway and his credibility had been shot to hell for the moment, he might as well get something out of the situation. For the first time since the onset of Transylvania's Great Depression (which had pretty much begun thirteen hundred years before and showed no signs of letting up anytime soon), he allowed his undead oscar out for a bit of exercise.

Meanwhile, Chet buried his tongue between Mary Fay's legs and inhaled her sweet pepperminty scent, a pleasant preamble to the young, effervescent taste of her rapidly moistening oats. He could not have been happier than he hadn't been made into a Frankenstein!

Five hours later, in the earliest moments before the crack of dawn, the lights of Mary Fay's bedroom were suddenly flipped on, revealing to her worried mother a most shocking scene. Roused from a deep sleep to check on strange noises coming from behind her daughter's door, she discovered her beloved Mary Fay, the world's most famous vampire, and some goofy nerd in a Phish t-shirt engaged in a three-way more twisted than anything she had ever seen on the Fox network. Mary Fay was right in the middle of trying to fit one of her seven dildoes up Count Dracula's butt when she heard her mother scream.

Dracula changed into a bat in the blink of an eye and soared out the window instantly, wondering how the hell he was going to keep this one out of Monster Watch Weekly. Chet was a little slower to rise, his ears having been smooshed between Mary Fay's thighs for the entire night and blissfully unaware of all sound other than the moist squishing of Miss Congeniality. He got one pantleg on and bolted past her mother down the stairs and out of the house, intent on finding a phone book tomorrow to look up the address of one Sally McBibble, a first class hottie from his own high school days who he figured must still live around here somewhere.

"Well, Mary Fay," her mother said, arms folded and indignant, "how many times are we going to have a repeat of this little scene?"

"Oh, leave me alone already, Mom," Mary Fay replied, rolling her eyes.

"Don't you take that attitude with me, young lady," Mrs. Gripshaw said. "If you're going to insist on dragging whatever sorry vampire wangie you can get your hands on into this house, the polite thing to do would be to tell these losers that you already are one. Now for God's sake, the sun will be up any minute, and your father and I are in no mood to be turned into dust because of your antics. So close those blinds and get some sleep!"

And holy crap, this was all before the werewolf and the mummy decided to swing by!

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