Tantalus in Chains Ch. 04

CHAPTER FOUR: DANCE, DANCE

Christmas came and went, and still no one knew where Zack's father had gone. I was constantly amazed by Zack's nonchalance. There was almost no difference in his behavior even though he was now working nearly forty hours a week and also making sure his younger brother and sisters made it to school on time since his mother worked the night shift. Of course, we all did what we could for him, but any form of help made him uncomfortable, so it wasn't much.

I wish I could say that the problems he had to face ended my fascinated with him. If anything, it was worse now than ever. The sheer intensity of his physical presence drew me inexorably.

Today was no exception. The class was working on an independent writing assignment, and Zack was staring absently at the wall. He toyed with the class ring dangling from a chain around his neck, and the unconscious movements of his fingers entranced me. It seemed grossly unfair that he could have that kind of power over me, especially since it had been a long time since he had even jokingly made a pass at me. I sighed.

He detected my gaze and looked at me, then shook himself and returned to the work at hand. And speaking of hands, I abruptly realized that he wasn't wearing his class ring on his finger. The one around his neck wasn't his either. It was a girl's.

I was mortified by the pang of jealousy that stabbed through me. To my own annoyance, I spent the rest of the class period asking myself ridiculous questions, questions about who she was and how long he had been seeing her. I halfway hoped it would be someone I approved of, although I doubted that was remotely possible.

I didn't have to wonder for long. He stopped by after class especially to inform me that he had a girlfriend named Jenn, and they had gotten together that weekend. I couldn't repress a smile at his innocent excitement, and it occurred to me that she might actually be his first girlfriend. His happiness was contagious, and even though my jealousy was far from nonexistent, I was glad that he had something to be happy about.

**********

That gladness evaporated almost instantly a few weeks later when he announced to Chuck, "Jenn and I had a REALLY good time last night."

Zack's hair was rumpled and his eyes wore that drowsy expression that always sped my pulse up. There was a languor over him mixed with an arrogant swagger that told me exactly what kind of good time he and Jenn must have had. It was ridiculous, but I felt an insane urge to find Jenn, whoever she was, and beat the hell out of her.

Chuck listened to Zack, but it was with a kind of amused indulgence. Chuck's sense of humor, friendliness, and good looks made him popular with the girls his age, and Zack wasn't telling him anything Chuck hadn't already known for years.

Zack caught me staring at him, and he grinned with that spark of mischief. "Don't worry, Miss Martin, there's plenty to go around."

A vivid image of him on top of me took possession of my senses. I found myself staring at Imaginary Naked Zack, a flush creeping over my body. It was at that exact moment that I happened to notice that Actual Zack had a new hole in his jeans, a huge one right in the middle of his crotch. "I'm sure there is," I muttered before I could stop myself.

He raised an eyebrow, but I tried to cover for myself before he could call me on what I said. "If by 'around' you mean around to doing your work so that you can graduate."

I could tell the battle wasn't really over. I gave the class a group assignment and gave them time to work as I floated between groups to help when they needed it. My back was to Zack and Chuck's group when I heard Zack's maddening voice. "I heard this woman on TV last night who got arrested for sleeping with one of her students. I wish I was that lucky."

For once, Zack's sexual discussion didn't fill me with desire. Actually, I knew what he was talking about because I'd seen it, too. She hadn't impressed me favorably. Having an obsession with a student, I could understand; even to some degree actually sleeping with a student. A lot of people underestimate the emotional intimacy of teaching. What I couldn't understand was the woman's repeated insistence that she had no idea it was illegal. The kid was not only her student, he was fourteen. That's double illegal. She sounded like a dumb bimbo to me, and I felt an overpowering urge to turn around and shake Zack for thinking she was appealing.

Instead, I finished helping the group I was with and then naturally drifted to Zack's group. He was watching me, probably looking to see what I thought about his not-so-subtle attempt to tease me. I looked at him with level eyes and asked about his assignment. I deserved extra points for not even dipping my eyes to that tempting hole in his jeans, which he seemed to be flaunting at me. I kept my eyes where they should be, and I watched his suspicion drain away.

**********

The spring semester always seems to fly by. I couldn't believe it when Prom arrived and Zack was still dating Jenn. I resigned myself to the inevitability of meeting her. In my mental preparation, though, I completely forgot that I would also be seeing him in a tux. When he walked in the door, I almost forgot to look at Jenn. The broad shoulders that had filled out his football jersey also made his tux look incredible. To me, nothing will ever be as sexy as Zack in his jeans and t-shirt, but this tux was definitely a close second.

When I regained my senses, I turned my attention to Jenn. She was petite, tanned, and blonde with sparkling green eyes. There didn't seem to be anything extraordinary about her besides her beauty, and I was a little disappointed that Zack hadn't chosen someone with more layers. Well, he was a teenage boy, I reminded myself, and I can't really blame him for being superficial at that age.

I watched them dance for a few minutes. It was a slow dance, and she twined her arms around his neck and rested her head on his chest. The look of peace on her face and the answering rapture on his was genuinely touching. He buried his hand in her hair, stroking it softly. More than any other couple, they seemed lost in the moment.

But I couldn't help being afraid for him. It was obvious he was in love with her, and it was equally obvious that she was in love with herself, too.

The dance ended, and they drifted to the punch bowl (it wasn't spiked, believe it or not). They stood talking for a moment, and then she excused herself. Zack stared after her, and I suddenly wished that he, that ANYONE, would notice me the way he was noticing her. I sighed, realizing that my fantasy of him actually seeing me at all was completely ridiculous.

So I was a little surprised when he did glance over and see me, then head towards me. Butterflies began dancing inside me in ways they hadn't done for a long time. "Bring Me to Life" suddenly blared through the speakers, and even though it was now an old song, the students greeted it with a cheer.

Zack was standing right in front of me, his eyes blazing into mine, like he was waiting for something.

"She's beautiful," I said, my voice sounding detached.

"Yeah. I don't really know why she's with me sometimes."

I laughed in disbelief. "You did look in the mirror before you came here tonight, right?"

He blushed. "I want to burn these shoes."

"Join the club," I said, gesturing toward my own six-inch heels. As a rule, I wore flats, but I made an exception for prom.

"You look pretty tonight, Miss Martin."

I swallowed, hoping that he couldn't see how much his compliment meant to me. "Not as pretty as the two of you," I joked.

"No one is as pretty as me." His easy smile faltered. "So... umm... all the other teachers have danced with someone... You should, too."

My heart was hammering. I tried to appear casual. "Not sure I should try to compete with your overwhelming beauty and uncomfortable shoes."

He grinned and took my hand, putting his other arm lightly around my lower back. "So don't try to compete."

His sudden nearness rendered me incapable of protesting, and I swayed with him in stunned silence. I shielded myself desperately, frustrated that I couldn't just enjoy the moment. I suddenly remembered the legend of Tantalus's punishment, how he was forced to stand in a river with a tree just over his head--whenever he was thirsty, the river would recede, and whenever he was hungry, the branch would rise out of his reach. That, I realized as I looked into his eyes, was how it would always be with Zack. No matter how close I came to fulfilling my fantasies with him, they would never be a reality.

He opened his mouth to say something, but just then, Chuck's astonished voice came from behind me. "Oh my God. It's a miracle. No one else could get her to do that all night."

Zack laughed. "I've got the gift, man."

I smiled back at Chuck. "Yeah, the gift of ignoring me when I said no."

Zack frowned. "You didn't say no."

The song ended and I reluctantly tried to disentangle myself from Zack's arms. Even though he wasn't holding me close to him, it wasn't easy to step away from him, and I actually tripped over my own feet. He steadied me, saving me from falling on my face.

I was thanking him when Chuck laughed, "Maybe she SHOULD have said no if that's how she moves."

"Careful, mister," I said. "You still have a few weeks left till graduation."

Jenn arrived at that moment, pulling Zack away to the strains of "Dance, Dance." Its insistent beat poured into me and became like my own pulse as I let it wash over me. It was some time before I realized Chuck was still standing next to me, frowning at Zack and Jenn.

"I don't like her," he said at last.

I wholeheartedly agreed with him. But I let the moment pass, the moment I knew would be the last time everyone would be together and happy, the last real high school rite of passage. Graduation would be a pointless ceremony in which no one really talked to anyone else and everyone got fake diplomas until the real ones could be printed. This would be the last time I would see Zack really be Zack, or Chuck really be Chuck, or any of them really be themselves. The energy that flowed between Zack and Jenn seemed to summarize the moment in all its beauty and fragility. I let go of my worries and joined Chuck on the dance floor.