Tempted

"You promised Jenay. You promised Jenay." I told myself, over and over again.

I had promised my girlfriend, Jenay that I wouldn't cheat again. She was my first "real" relationship in a while, and I'd had a little trouble keeping my skirt down in the past.

I'd cheated over and over. Each time, Jenay caught me. She'd spot hickey she hadn't made, or wonder why I smelled like peaches when my perfume smells like plums. Just small things like that would tip her off. I'd beg and grovel, and she'd take me back. It was a viscous cycle.

"I know I don't deserve it, Jenay, but please forgive me baby. I'll never do it again." I would say.

"You said that before Rissa!" she'd say, and I'd beg some more

"But baby, this time is different. That girl didn't mean anything to me. You're the one I love baby, I swear. I'll be good this time, please, one more chance." I get on my knees in front of her, begging in earnest. And each time, she'd give me another chance.

"You better not break my heart again." she'd say, and I'd jump up and hug her. Then we'd live happily ever after, that is until I fucked up again.

The first time was with a new temp at my office, Christy. I could almost argue that she wasn't my fault. It had been Christy that put just a little more swish in her hips when she'd see me passing by. It had been Christy that bent over my desk so that I could see her beautiful round breasts in her blouse. It'd had been Christy that pushed me up against the wall in the copier room that day. And it had been Christy that left the door unlocked for Jenay's best friend to walk in and catch us. So really, it was Christy's fault, not mine.

The second was with a saleslady at a shoe store in the mall. I admit, she was completely my fault. I saw the way she looked at me when I asked for her help. But, I had been the one to lure her into that restroom with me. I had actually been buying something for Jenay, but that didn't stop me from smiling my best smiles and saying my best words. It hadn't stopped me from bending her over the sink, or from making her scream beneath her breath. I even bought the shoes I had been looking at for Jenay. It was when she hugged me, and noticed the bite marks on my neck that she threw the shoes at my face.

The third time was a friend of a friend. It didn't really see that one coming. We had all been hanging out and laughing, a little drunk. Then, she just kinda jumped me in the bathroom. No, I hadn't planned it, but I didn't object to it either. When the girl showed up at my house crying and talking about how I'd done her wrong, I thought I'd lost Jenay forever.

But this time was different. This time, I meant what I'd promised.

I had been good for a while. Almost a year. But one day, I had a bad day for faithfulness. That day was the most trying day I'd had in a while, or maybe in my life.

*

I was in the mall, on my way back from picking up some new shoes. I had just seen a pair that would be perfect with a new dress I had, and I had to have them. I was walking, thinking about how good they'd look when I heard someone call my name.

"Clarissa Wilkins!" a familiar voice said from behind me. I knew instantly who it was. It was Shana, the girl that ruled my thoughts all through high school. She'd known how I felt about her. She'd always put on a little show for me when I was near: she'd drop something and bend over to pick it up, come by track practice with skin tight volleyball shorts on, lean into me when she laughed at a joke, things like that. Yes, she always made sure I looked, but she never let me touch. It drove me insane for almost four years, and she knew it.

I turned around, knowing that the woman I was about to look at was one of the most beautiful girls I'd ever known in my life. I knew that when I did turn around, she'd knock me off my feet all over again, bat her eyelashes a couple times, and have me melting into a puddle on the floor in no time. I knew that she'd flirt and toy with me, just like she had before. I knew all this, but I turned anyway.

I watched as her hips swayed from side to side. She had such a confident demeanor; a quality I thought was so sexy. She flowed gracefully as she walked. At first glance, she seemed small, and almost weak. But one look at the calve muscles that rippled as she strode toward me in her high heels, and the flat of her stomach that just barely peaked out of her top as she waved, and there was no mistaking her strength. She smiled broadly at me, her face glowing. Her hair flowed behind her as she made her way over. I remembered loving to just watch her move; I could do that all day. She finally reached me and gave me a hug. And just as I had expected, I melted.

"Hey!" She squealed. I could feel her breast press up against mine. Her waist felt wonderful in my hands.

"How've you been? You look great." she said, looking me up and down.

"I've been good, and you...you look wonderful." I said, feeling like I was 17 again.

"I'm good." She smiled, then licked her lips and paused a second.

"C'mon, let's go get some lunch. We have to catch up." she said, grabbing my hand and dragging me.

We decided to go to a restaurant inside the mall. We sat down and looked at each other. She smiled at me.

"So! What have you been up to? Still can't get enough shoes can you?" She said, pointing at my shoe box.

"Yeah." I said, but all I could think of was how good she looked. The years had been good, no wonderful, to her. She was sexier than she'd been before. But, soon I placed that aside. I was committed, and I was sure she would be too. I mean, a beautiful smart girl like her had to be taken.

"What brings you to Atlanta?" I asked.

We'd both grown up in Louisiana. She'd moved to Alabama just before we'd graduated and I hadn't seen her since. I'd moved out to Atlanta for work. Turns out she had too.

"I'm the new columnist for the Digest." she said.

"Oh, well congratulations. I'll be reading it more often." I said, happy that she'd be here for a while.

We chatted and talked for a bit longer. I told her about Jenay and showed her a picture of the two of us. She seemed a little disappointed, but smiled anyway.

"She's beautiful" she said, "You two look cute together."

She told me that she was single, and had left her long time girlfriend about six months before moving. And even though she told me it had been hard, she seemed much less sad than I'd expect. I guessed she had taken the breakup well.

We talked and talked. She seemed different from the Shana I knew in high school. Back then, I'd thought she was untouchable, and that's the way she presented herself: as something unattainable, out of my league. She had almost been snobby in high school, but I'd loved it anyway. Now, she was much more down to earth, much easier to talk to. I could tell that the years had matured her mind as well as her body. We had a blast talking about everything.

After lunch, I suggested that she come over to meet Jenay. I was excited to show her the woman I loved. We were becoming such good friends now, even though we hadn't seen each other in years, and I wanted her to be included in that part of my life. So we left for my house. I knew Jenay was off of work and would probably be home.

We got into the house and Jenay wasn't there. I walked in and Shana followed.

"Jenay... baby? Where are you?" I called. Then, I looked at the coffee table and noticed the little note Jenay had left me.

It read:

"Rissa,

I'm not going to be home until late tonight. I'm going to my mother's house to help her with some things..."

It basically said that her mother called her, and that she'd be over at her house. I finished reading the note and looked at Shana, a little disappointed.

"Oh. She's not here," I told Shana, "Sorry, looks like it's just you and me."

"That's fine" she said

"You want some coffee or something?" I asked

"That would be great," she said, sitting on my couch

"Well, make yourself at home. I'll be right back."

I ran off to the kitchen and started the coffee. A few minutes later, Shana came in behind me and I poured us two mugs. We stood at the counter for a moment and sipped at our drinks.

"I wish you could have met Jenay." I said.

"I'm sure I will some day." she said

We sipped for a little longer. Then, she put her coffee mug down on the counter and looked me squarely in the eyes.

"Look, I'm just gonna be straight with you." she said, "I want to kiss you...I have since I first saw you in the mall today."

She said that, and just looked at me, waiting for my response. I was suddenly aware of just how close she was to me. There was about two feet of space between us, but it felt like inches.

"I, I, I, can't" was all I could stammer out

"Yes you can." She said, closing what little space there was between us, making it harder for me to escape.

I scolded myself in my head... "You promised Jenay! You promised her! If you do this, she's gone forever!"

I backed up a little until I felt the counter behind me; she had me cornered.

"I promised Jenay." I said feebly to Shana, who was now breathing on my neck.

"She doesn't have to know." she said, just inches away from me now. I could feel her breathing, smell her perfume.

I couldn't believe this! Here I was, trying to be a good girl, trying to keep my promise to Jenay. I was trying to keep my hands to myself, and I had been doing just that. But then Shana had to come and try to seduce me! And by the looks - and feel - of things, she knew what she was doing. No, this was not a good day to be faithful.

All of these thoughts rushed through my head, as I saw Shana inching closer and closer to me. I saw her moving in slow motion. I knew that any second she would kiss me and my resolve would wear thin. I should have pushed her away and kindly asked her to leave. I should have showed her that picture of Jenay and me that she thought was "cute" again. I should have picked her up and put her outside my damn self. I should have done anything but just stand there and let her kiss me. But, that's just what I did. I stood there, and I let her kiss me.

"I can't...I can't" I said, but all the strength was gone from my voice. She just ignored it.

And then, she did it. She kissed me. Suddenly, my mind was blank, save the thought of how good her lips felt against mine.

The kiss was so soft and inviting, like I'd imagined it would be in high school. She pressed into me, and I lost all the resolve I had before. But even while my hands grabbed her behind, I thought of what I was doing to Jenay. Even with her tongue in my ear, I thought about how it would break her heart. But still, I couldn't break myself from the woman in front of me. I would be simple to just say "Get off of me, and leave my house." It would be simple to just say, "I can't do this to my girlfriend, and this has to stop." I would be so simple to say those things, but somehow it wasn't. I wasn't simple at all.

I felt Shana's hand tugging at my shirt, trying to get to the skin underneath. I could feel the way she was pressing her knee between my legs, and I knew that what was going to happen would be so wrong. Yet still, I let it happen.

By now, Shana had my shirt and bra off, and was doing a number on my breasts. She had unbuckled my pants, and her hand felt heavenly between my legs. I gently pushed down on her hand in rhythm to her movements. Then, she just stopped. She kind of picked me up, and put me on the counter. She was on her knees in no time, and ripped my short off my legs. Then her face dropped onto my wetness. I couldn't help but give in to what she was doing. It felt wonderful.

She expertly glided her tongue over me, making me grab the edge of the counter just to stay balanced. She lapped at me hungrily. I was completely awash in the sensations she was creating. She grabbed my hips and slid me closer to the edge of the counter as she went to town.

"Yess...right there Shana. Oh fuck!" I gasped, my mind in a blur

"Mmmm...is it good baby?" she said into me. I could feel the vibrations from her voice on my skin

"Yes...it's (gasp) so good...don't stop." I said as I grabbed her head to keep her in place

"I'm not going anywhere, honey." she said between licks, "You taste too good."

Just a few more minutes of that, and I was crashing over the edge of a massive orgasm. I grabbed a handful of her hair as she sucked my clit into her mouth and flicked it with her tongue.

"Oh my GOOOOODDDDD!" I said, as wave after wave crashed over me.

I purred softly as Shana lightly licked at me, still making me shiver. I stroked her hair gently and just enjoyed the glow that comes after a climax as I slumped against the cabinet. I opened my eyes, expecting to see Shana smiling up at me, and I did see her. It was what else I saw that made my world crash.

Jenay was standing there, tears in her eyes. She was trembling with anger. I hadn't heard her come in.

I made a move to cover myself, but it didn't help much. Shana saw my reaction and turned to see what I was looking at. She gasped Jenay's name loudly as she recognized her from the pictures. I could see Jenay's face grow even angrier knowing that Shana already knew who she was. That meant that both of us had consciously done wrong, we were both despicable.

"Baby..." I started to say, but I knew that there would be no more chances. I didn't deserve any.

I quietly got off of the counter and went to pack a bag. I'd have to sleep at a friend's house for the night and get my things in the morning. Jenay didn't even look at me as I passed her on my way to the bedroom. She just stared coldly at Shana.

I could see Shana from the corner of my eye as I made my way to leave the kitchen. She had straightened herself up and was walking toward the front door. She was almost out of the kitchen when Jenay's voice broke the silence.

"No, wait." I heard Jenay say, but I knew it wasn't directed at me.

I looked to see what would happen next. There was a tone in Jenay's voice that I only heard on occasion. It was of complete disgust and anger. She was indignant. I questioned for a moment how safe Shana would be alone with Jenay, so I lingered a little, just in case things took a worse turn.

Jenay looked Shana up and down. It was then, with them standing so closely, that I was struck by how much alike the two women looked. They had the same athletic build, same shapely figure, the same long dark hair in similar styles, the same caramel colored skin, and same coal black eyes. Both were beautiful women, but Jenay had Shana beat in the looks department. I thought about how alike their personalities were. And though they were both wonderful to talk to, Jenay was much more entertaining. They would have made wonderful friends under different circumstances. The thought made me even sadder.

I had thrown everything away with Jenay for an imitation of the woman I'd intended to build my life with. Why hadn't I just said no? Jenay was everything I wanted, but I just couldn't stop Shana. Now, my life was turned upside down, and I knew I couldn't fix it this time. And now I was left with no one.

Jenay spoke and brought me from my thoughts.

"Who are you?" Jenay asked, her voice sounding serene. The question surprised me with its simplicity.

"My name is Shana Carlson," she said evenly, "I know Rissa from high school."

I winced when Shana called me Rissa. No one calls me Rissa anymore, except Jenay. It was a right reserved for her and only her. I knew that she wouldn't like the woman she'd just caught between my legs using it, and I saw her flinch a little when she heard it.

"Why the hell are you in my house, fucking my girlfriend?" Jenay asked, her voice still calm, but with an undeniable anger in it. I wasn't sure where she was going with this.

"I...I..." Shana stammered, suddenly seeing the anger that seethed under Jenay's soft features.

"You can't even be woman enough to answer my questions, but you can stick your tongue anywhere you please?" she said, her voice raising, "Now I asked you, 'what the hell are you doing in MY house, fucking MY girlfriend?'"

"Well..." Shana started, trying to find something to say, but Jenay didn't really want an answer.

"Don't even try to answer me. There's nothing you can say that'll make me any less pissed than I am right now."

She spat the words out as if Shana weren't good enough to hear them. Then, she turned to me, and pointed toward Shana.

"I hope that shit was good." she said, her voice still venomous. "Because this is over."

Then she seemed to give way to her emotions. Her body sagged a little, and she was no longer so intimidating. I could see the hurt in her very posture. I wanted to rush over and hold her; she just seemed so small and frail. I just wanted to kiss her and tell her it would be alright. I took a step toward her, and reached my hand out to touch her, but she pushed it away, and looked at me with a fury I'd never seen before.

"Get the hell out of my house," she said through clenched teeth, and I knew it would be the last time she ever spoke to me.

I went to the bedroom and grabbed a few things, then walked out of the front door.

I could hear Jenay crying quietly in the kitchen on my way out. I knew that the pain I had put that woman through was more than anyone should have to put up with, and as sad as I was to lose her, I knew she would be happier without me. If I had never cheated again, she would have still had to deal with the suspicion, the doubt. She would still have to worry about what I was doing, where I was going, and who I was going with. That's not a good way to live. I hoped that she would be able to trust again, that I hadn't done too much harm.

The next day, I came over while Jenay was at work and got the rest of my things. I left a note that said to call me if she could find it in her heart. I haven't heard from her.

Shana and I didn't really talk much after that. I really couldn't be around her without being reminded of the wonderful woman I had lost. I couldn't even look at her without seeing the way Jenay's eyes looked when she last spoke to me. Needless to say, we don't keep in touch.

It's been three years. I heard that Jenay found someone new, and that they've got a baby girl. I hope they're happy together, and that they stay that way. I've got a steady girlfriend, and I've remained faithful to her. I couldn't put someone else through the pain I put Jenay through. And though Paula is a wonderful woman, she could never compare to my Jenay. I don't think any woman ever will. It's a shame that it took me losing her to realize it.