Ten Things Everyone Should Knowbymisterechik©
This is my version of sexual etiquette. Keep in mind that this is the "Humor and Satire" category, please. My last submission got some negative feedback because I enjoy writing about the battle of the sexes all in good fun and a few people wanted to turn it into a political debate. So just try to have fun with it and don't take life so seriously. Enjoy!
1. Please don't use porn as instructional video on how to sexually satisfy a woman. I know this is absolutely going to crush you, but a lot of women don't like semen in their eyes and nose.
2. Always wait at least 30 minutes after sexual intercourse to ask a woman to make you a sandwich or get you a beer.
3. Holding the back of a woman's head while she is performing fellatio is never a good idea, unless she has no gag reflex or you have a puke fetish.
4. When eating pussy, forget everything you ever learned about dining etiquette. Think pie eating contest.
5. Never refuse to kiss a woman after a blow job if you ever want another one from her. If YOU think you're that nasty, what are we supposed to think?
6. Do not stick things (fingers, dicks, vibrators, dildos, vegetables) in any orifice that is not properly lubricated, either by natural or artificial means. This FUCKING HURTS.
7. The Blue Balls story is no longer effective after the age of 16 or with a woman with an I.Q. higher than that of tupperware.
8. It's not fair to stick things in our ass and not get anything stuck in yours in return. Hell, if we can accommodate an eight inch cock, you can certainly entertain the idea of a finger or two.
9. Please don't ask us to call you "daddy" during sex. It's just gross and evokes thoughts of things we never want to envision during intercourse.
10. NEVER, NEVER, EVER attempt to go from vaginal sex directly to anal sex. Let me put it this way...do you really want to go to the drugstore in the middle of the night, rummaging around the shelves for something that says "vaginal anti-fungal" on it?
LADIES....(and I had to consult some sources on this)
1. Stop worrying if your pussy stinks all the time. If you showered that day, aren't on the rag, or if you don't have any current conditions or diseases, it's more than likely just fine. Men can't smell that good anyway.
2. If your pussy does stink, don't pretend like there's nothing wrong. I've heard way too many men tell stories of going down on a woman and getting assaulted by odors that make a port-a-john smell like lilacs. Don't be THAT bitch.
3. If you're going to give a blow job, do it right. There's more to it than licking the top 1/3 of a dick and saying "mmmm". And don't scrape.
4. Get over yourself. Way too many women ruin good sex by being distracted by things like wondering if your thighs look fat or if your tits look saggy in that position. Trust me, he doesn't care about the cellulite on your ass or your split ends at that particular moment.
5. Doggy style is not "degrading". You're in control, believe me. If you don't believe me, next time count how many times he has to stop or slow down to keep himself from blowing his wad everywhere.
6. You don't have to have three hours of romance and foreplay to have an orgasm, and stop making him believe that you do. Just tell the motherfucker what you want instead of laying there wishing he would do what Antonio Banderas does in your 10 minute masturbation sessions. Speak up, Ladies. Most women don't think that men are even capable of dressing themselves and you expect him to be a mind reader.
7. Don't take sex tips from Cosmopolitan magazine. I once read you could use a hair scrunchie for a cock ring and decided to try it on my ex. I'm not going to get into what happened, but notice I said "ex".
8. Don't decide to try anal sex on a spur of the moment type thing. Butt lovin' could potentially end up really embarrassing if you don't take some precautions. For those of you that are a little slow on the jump, what I mean is making sure Mr. Happy isn't going to have a chance encounter with Mr. Hanky the Christmas Poo.
9. Wait at least 30 minutes after intercourse to ask him if he believes in soulmates or if he's going to get you that tennis bracelet for Valentine's day.
10. Don't withhold sex from men as a punishment. If he's the dickface, why punish yourself? You can still have him attend to your own physical needs and then go back to the silent treatment and refusing to cook or clean afterwards.