This is a true story which I've never felt able to tell anyone before. Part of me is very comfortable with these events but I understand society's taboos. When would I tell someone? Too soon and it could stop the relationship developing normally; too late and it could undo the building of the relationship already done.
Anyway, having started, I already feel a weight starting to lift so I shall continue.
They sent me off to boarding school aged eight. I was an only child. I won't say what my real name is but let's call me Peter. My parents were wealthy, attractive jetsetters and, whilst I felt very loved and secure, I look back and think I must have cramped their style.
My father died when I was twelve – it was a helicopter crash in Antigua. He left us well provided for because we didn't have to sell our big house near London and I stayed at boarding school. My mother was devastated but I was strangely unmoved – he was a superhero to me, of course, but quite distant. I'm quite shy and not athletic whereas he was gregarious and an accomplished sportsman with loads of cups for golf, tennis, squash and rowing. He hid his disappointment at my lack of ball skills and competitiveness but I felt it nonetheless. In a strange sort of way his death took some pressure off me.
Mum threw her energy into work – she was a high-powered lawyer before she met Dad but after getting married they obviously didn't need her salary so she worked unpaid for several charities. As far as I was aware she had no new love interest for many years after Dad was killed.
Well, that's the background and I'm feeling incredibly nervous about starting the story proper but here goes!
I was in my A-level year and just turned eighteen years old. I was studying hard (there was no option at my school) and had said to Mum at Christmas that I was finding it a strain doing four subjects and was worried about my mocks in March. The next day Mum announced that she'd booked a holiday in Tenerife for the February half-term week for the two of us.
Holidays until then had been with cousins – my Mum had two brothers who each had three children all younger than me and they were like brothers and sisters to me. We'd troop off to a rented villa in France, Spain or Italy for most of the summer and we'd explore, swim, cycle, play board games, cards, visit art galleries and so on. In the winter, the three families would go ski-ing or to the Caribbean and at Easter we'd usually stay with them at one of their houses. I also went on all available school trips. But I'd never been on holiday just with my Mum so I was quite taken aback and wondered how we'd spend our time. When I asked, she reminded me that I had lots of revision and the cousins would be a distraction if we did the usual sort of thing.
Anyway we arrived at a nice hotel – Mum had a huge suite with a large private balcony and I had a nice room next door. At dinner on the first night Mum asked me all about my studies and how many hours every day I felt I should or could revise; we agreed on a schedule – she's very regimented and always organises everyone she meets! She suggested that I would learn more efficiently in the morning and feel very satisfied if I got my work done by 1pm and could then relax for the rest of the day – that sounded very sensible to me.
The next day after lunch, revision done, we agreed to relax and sunbathe by the hotel pool. School life was non-stop; although I've said I'm not athletic, they were very good at finding one's strengths and I turned out to be a fair rifle shot and pretty reasonable swimmer so with those extra-curricular activities and the fearsome amount of academic work I often felt I was on a treadmill. The idea of spending the afternoon doing nothing was brilliant.
We took our stuff down to the pool, found some loungers and lay down. Mum had loads of sun cream and insisted I put some on. She did my back first of all then she lay on her front, undid her bikini and I put cream on her back. Looking round at the other guests, I noticed that at least a third of the women were topless so I spent most of the time looking over the top of my book through my dark glasses at the talent. I suppose I found it quite arousing but didn't get a proper erection.
After about twenty minutes my Mum suddenly announced that if everyone else was doing it, she would sunbathe topless too and she undid her bikini and slipped it off. I think I said earlier that my parents were both attractive people. My Mum's about 5ft 8ins, dark-haired, with big brown eyes, fleshy lips and high cheekbones. Even though she was just over forty, she certainly didn't look it. I had been aware since the age when boys first notice breasts that my Mum had quite a big bust – not enormous but definitely larger than normal. I don't remember ever having seen her naked, certainly not since early childhood, anyway. But when I suddenly saw her topless right next to me I felt a surge of arousal and had to immediately turn over and lie on my front to hide my growing erection. I felt embarrassed and confused because it didn't feel right to find one's own mother sexy.
As we lay there I tried not to look as she rubbed sun cream into her breasts, lifting them and cupping them. Her nipples were large and dark brown and became elongated while she applied the lotion. My penis was rock hard and incredibly uncomfortable so I had to stay lying on my front for ages. Mum didn't seem to notice anything amiss and after she'd finished applying the cream she carried on reading.
Eventually my erection subsided and I was able to turn over again and force myself not to look at Mum. After a while I must have dozed off because the next thing I remember is waking up, lying on my back with an erection. I had shorts rather than trunks on but it was still very obvious and I could even see the top of my bare penis pushing up and out of the waistband of my swimmers.
I know from school that my 'equipment' is larger than average. At boarding school there is no room for modesty – you all get changed and shower together and, by the age of twelve or thirteen there is inevitably mutual masturbation so we all got to see each other's stiffies. Mine wasn't the biggest by any means but it was very noticeable if I got an erection when I shouldn't.
Anyway, hoping that no-one, especially Mum, had noticed, I quickly turned onto my front again and acted as if nothing had happened. Then the trouble started: after about ten minutes, Mum said that we'd both had enough sun on our first day and we should go inside. With my penis still achingly hard, I couldn't possible have stood up so I said why didn't she go ahead and I would follow on when I finished the chapter. You're probably getting the idea of what Mum's like – when she decides something, that's it! She said that I'd already been asleep once and if I fell asleep again I'd get terrible sunburn and she absolutely insisted that I come straight away. I didn't know what to do. There was no way I could get up without my bulge showing. On the other hand my mother wasn't to be argued with. I decided to try anyway and said I wouldn't go back to sleep and I was near the end of the chapter. I should have known what she'd say next; she asked to see how near I was to the end of the chapter and said she'd wait for me.
As I pretended to read I tried to think of anything I could to take my mind off my arousal but the more I tried, the harder it got. It wasn't long before Mum told me that I must have finished the chapter by now and it was time to get into the shade. I stayed put, frozen with embarrassment. Then she said, "If you've still got an erection Peter, just put your shirt on, leave it hanging out over your shorts and no-one will notice." For a moment I couldn't believe my ears! It took just a second or two for the full implication of what she was saying to dawn on me – she must have noticed it when I was asleep. Oh my god, what a catastrophe! "Come on, it's perfectly normal especially at your age; there's nothing to be embarrassed about." Well, what alternative did I have? So I turned gingerly over, trying to remain bent double to hide my swelling but when Mum handed me my shirt and I put it on, the end of my manhood was quite clearly exposed under my waistband and I definitely saw Mum looking at it.
When I got back to my room I was still as hard as a rock and immediately set about relieving the situation. I don't think I've ever ejaculated so quickly and to my shame I found myself visualising my Mum's naked boobs as I came. Even after I came my erection didn't go down at all and I had to masturbate a second time before it finally subsided.
At dinner that night Mum asked me how my revision had gone and I asked her what she'd done that morning. A confirmed workaholic, she had brought loads of files with her and had been attending to those, although she'd been out for a short mid-morning walk. We were drinking wine and had both had a couple of glasses when she asked me whether I'd ever had a girlfriend. Being at a single-sex boarding school where they keep you busy and spending holidays with younger cousins (Sophie and Antonia were younger anyway), girls were a foreign country to me. Of course I was curious and had bought porn magazines so I knew what women looked like naked. And of course I wanted desperately to shag one but the opportunities hadn't been there and I openly admitted to Mum that I had no experience. She explained that there were lots of benefits in going to a single-sex boarding school: developing the work ethic, freedom from the distraction of girls and learning to bond with one's fellows, which would serve one well in the world of work later on. She did acknowledge, however, that there were disadvantages but said, intriguingly, that there were ways one could begin to understand women.
That night after dinner, getting ready for bed I became very aroused again thinking about Mother's breasts and remembering watching her rub oil into them and her long dark nipples and I had to masturbate before I could go to sleep.
The next day after lunch Mum said that perhaps it would be better to sunbathe on her balcony bearing in mind what happened the day before. I couldn't quite see the logic of that since it was my embarrassment at my own mother seeing that I had an erection, which was bothering me! However, arguing was not to be advised so I got my stuff and we settled down on loungers. I was a bit disappointed that there wouldn't be lots of topless women to look at but I consoled myself by the thought that at least I would be able to read without distraction. I remember I was heavily into The Magus by John Fowles.
Once again Mum took off her bikini but this time without any reserve and asked me to rub lotion into her back. By the time I had done this I was hard as a rock and my discomfort was very visible. Mum turned round and did the same for me before applying the lotion very thoroughly into her big boobs. I had done my best to hide my bulge and lay down on my front as soon as I could. I was very embarrassed and I know my Mum looked at it before I lay down.
After a while Mum asked me if I could get a bacardi and coke from the minibar and why didn't I have a beer for myself. Although I was still rock hard, she was lying on her front too so perhaps wouldn't see my bulge when I got up so I did as she asked. When I got back she was sitting up with her big breasts exposed and with a drink in each hand I could do nothing to hide my erection which was tenting out my swimmers outrageously. By this time I thought what the hell – she'd probably seen the exposed end of it yesterday and said it was normal so why worry.
She thanked me when I gave her the drink and I sat down. I'm shaking now thinking about this and the memory is so incredibly vivid – I remember her exact words: "Peter, you look incredibly uncomfortable in those shorts. This balcony is totally secluded; why don't you slip them off and then we can both relax. If it makes you less embarrassed I'll take my bikini bottoms off too so we'll both be naked"
At that, she stood up and removed her bikini bottoms right there in front of me, exposing a very hairy pussy. I was petrified with... I don't know what it was: fear; anticipation of something? "Come on Peter, it's only fair now I'm starkers." Arguing was futile so I pulled my swimmers over my stiff penis and off, sitting forward to hide my embarrassment. "Don't be embarrassed, Peter, I have seen one before, you know. It's totally normal for boys of your age to be constantly aroused. I had two brothers, remember." I lay tentatively back and my erection stood up flat against my belly, throbbing and absolutely rock hard. The feeling was agonisingly intense as I saw Mum looking at me and, in turn, looked at her nakedness. I'm convinced that if I hadn't masturbated three times the day before I would have ejaculated there and then without even touching it. All I could feel was my intense arousal and it felt like I'd been wanking and was right at the point of no return. Yet I hadn't touched it at all!
Just when I hoped that maybe things would calm down and perhaps my erection would subside, the situation got worse: "Peter, we'd better put suntan oil on quickly – our nether regions aren't used to sunshine and will burn very quickly if we're not careful." She told me to put out my hand and she squirted some lotion onto my palms before standing up and rubbing some into her bum and around her front. I stood up to rub it into my buttocks too and then turned away from her to attend to my penis, which was harder than ever. Even being very careful and rubbing in a non-sexual way I very nearly made myself come from the application of the lotion. When I sat down again there was drop of fluid at the tip of my penis and it felt on fire. Mum sat down too and said, "There, that's better isn't it – instead of having to be all coy and uncomfortable, you can just relax. I've seen your erection now; you've seen me in the altogether so we can just enjoy the holiday." And with that, she started reading and so did I. I tried to concentrate on my book and I guess I did read a bit but all the time I was acutely aware of my arousal and of Mum's nakedness. Whenever she turned over or moved her tits would flop and bounce around, her nipples would sometimes be erect and sometimes not and she would open her legs and I would get a glimpse of her ... details intriguingly half-hidden behind her bush. The net result was that there was no 'relaxation' for me at all. She sent me off for more drinks and I just had to walk off and back with my erection at full mast bobbing and bouncing around as I moved. Mum seemed so unperturbed and at ease with the situation but I was in an almost surreal state with the brilliant sunshine exaggerating our nakedness and me in such a heightened state that there was white noise in my ears and my penis felt like a megawatt beacon. My discomfort was increasing as I started needing to go to the loo so I asked Mum to excuse me. "You'll have trouble weeing out of that, Peter; why don't you relieve yourself first here then it'll go down?" "Mum!" I protested. "What are you worried about? When I was a girl and started to become aware of sex, I insisted that my brothers show me their erections, let me touch them and masturbate in front of me so that I knew what to expect when I had my first boyfriend. So I've seen boys wank before – it's absolutely normal and far nicer surely to do it here in the open than sneakily in the loo. Go on, don't be embarrassed."
So, once again, Mum's authority drove me to sit there in front of her and play with myself. At first, due to sheer shyness, my efforts were very half-hearted but she lay on her side next to me, put down her book and very deliberately watched me, insisting that I got on and did it properly. Because of my growing need for the loo, the desperation for sexual relief, the added arousal of being watched and seeing an extremely womanly naked body just a few feet away, I abandoned all caution and started wanking properly and, what's more, really enjoying it. I was breathing heavily and my penis became bigger and harder, my knob more deeply purple and my eyes fixed on my mother's body. In spite of my intense arousal and possibly because of some residual timidity as well as having wanked three times the day before, I didn't come straight away. I must confess also to wanting to prolong it as I began to stop being embarrassed. After a short while Mum sat up and announced that she needed a top-up of sun-tan oil and proceeded to rub some into her breasts. Needless to say, as soon as she started that, it pushed me over the edge and I started to squirt powerful and massive jets of come all over my chest. Mum watched as she carried on rubbing her tits. "That was spectacular; I expect you feel a bit better now? Here, have some tissues." And she watched as I wiped myself clean. Then I had the same problem as the day before. In spite of a very powerful ejaculation, my erection didn't go away at all but just stayed there throbbing and pulsing very visibly and my embarrassment returned. I felt I had to make some excuse so I said, "Sorry, Mum it sometimes takes a while to get back to normal – I expect it will as I walk to the loo." So I got up with it still poking right up in the air and hurried off to the toilet. Needless to say, it didn't go down but I just managed to bend it down enough to slash. Then I had the embarrassment of walking back with it still stiff and bouncing around. It felt really peculiar as well – sort of numb and almost disconnected but, at the same time, still needing relief. It was red and raw looking too because of all the wanking over the last twenty-four hours. But it felt as if it would never go away. I sat down on the lounger feeling sort of defeated and wondering what humiliation would follow next.
I saw Mum looking at my penis but she didn't say anything and the rest of the afternoon passed without event except that I remained fully erect the whole time. When Mum decided to end the sunbathing session I got up with my penis still upright, put my shorts back on and went back to my room. On my own part of me wondered whether it really had happened and I thought about what Mum had said about seeing her brothers' cocks. Whilst the whole episode had an air of unreality about it, at the same time it seemed sort of healthy, open and almost innocent. I had to admit to myself that it was a fantastic feeling showing myself off to my Mum, and her actually telling me to wank in front of her as I looked at her big tits and hairy fanny. I lay on my bed and wanked again, unashamedly conjuring up vivid memories of her naked body and her rubbing oil into her tits as I came.
At dinner, things couldn't have been more normal. Mum seemed very relaxed and happy and I was too, having finally brought my arousal to rest and feeling healthy from being outside in the sun in the middle of winter. We talked about my revision and her work but as the wine started to take effect Mum referred once or twice to the afternoon's activities: "I hope you're feeling more at ease with our nakedness now Peter. As you've had little experience of girls you may be more comfortable with them if you've spent time with a naked woman, even if it is just your Mum." "Did it help that you'd seen your brothers naked, then?" I asked. "Of course. Having played with my brothers' penises I knew what men looked like and what they enjoyed and most of all, it stopped me being anxious and that enabled me to relax and enjoy my first sexual experience." "I take it that wasn't with Dad?" I asked. "Good heavens no, Peter. And I wasn't his first either. Some people value virginity but I think a good sexual relationship is the glue that binds a marriage and I can't see how you can know whether it's good unless you've tried others." "Yes, but if you haven't tried others you might not know it was bad." I replied "And it would still be bad and you wouldn't have the quality of life you could have." We argued good-naturedly about perception and morality for quite a while after dinner and finally turned in quite late.