Testing Theories - Himbyingarlm©
Note: I've submitted two stories with the his and hers perspectives, so you can read either or both (or neither). The sex scenes here are purely m/f but the characters cross over with my gay male story Going Out.
* * * * * *
I had a day off work and was wandering around the house. I hadn't wanted to take any time off but it had been a case of use it or lose it, and as much as being at work was taking my mind off everything else, I wasn't prepared to lose holiday time. As it was I had been working plenty of overtime as the projects I had to do were keeping me occupied and stopping me moping around like a lovesick puppy. Aside from the abnormal number of hours I was spending in the office, I didn't think my workmates had any idea of what was going on with me. I wished I could say the same about my brother and his boyfriend. They had to live with me, and saw the grumpy side of me when I couldn't keep my mind occupied with other things.
For about the millionth time I wished I had kept my mouth shut. If I hadn't decided to tell her I was in love with her and wanted her to be mine then I wouldn't be in this situation. Mind you, I wasn't coping terribly well with just being friends before I opened my big mouth. I didn't believe in love at first sight, or at least I hadn't, it all seemed a little too convenient that you could meet someone and instantly know they were 'the one'. I had always figured what people described was probably lust rather than anything substantial, but then I met Cassie.
* * * *
It all started because of my twin brother Nick. He had gone out with a bunch of workmates one night and when he came home he told me about this guy James he had met in a pub. He was clearly really happy and he nearly drove me mad going on about him and how cute and funny he was. They had made plans to meet again the following night, and I could remember the crisis when Nick couldn't find anything to wear, despite his extensive wardrobe. It had made me laugh a lot seeing him flapping around getting ready. Nick was generally really masculine, but that night he was being such a girl!
I'd met James for the first time the following morning. I think he was a little surprised when he first saw me as there was confusion on his face when we met in the kitchen.
"Didn't tell you about his identical twin, huh?"
He smiled, "He said he shared with his brother, but not the twin thing, no."
Nick had been right, James was easy to chat to and a nice guy, so I was happy that they were so good together and that Nick was in a proper relationship at last, just what he had wanted. Unfortunately it made it hard for me as I was single, and being around a loved up couple is difficult when you want that sort of thing for yourself and don't have it.
One night not long after I was out in the pub with some mates. I was more than a little surprised when a woman walked over and gave me a huge hug. I didn't know her, but I had an instant reaction to her body against mine, and immediately an urge came over me to put my arms around her and not let her go. She had a cute blonde bob, which wasn't her natural colour judging by her dark eyebrows and amazing dark red-brown eyes. She was looking at me with a slightly glazed look as she had clearly been drinking, but confusion was starting to show in her eyes. I expect my face was showing the same.
She let go of me and said, "Hi Nick, it's good to see you again. Where's James? I thought you guys were going out tonight."
Not the first time I had been mistaken for my twin, but I really wished she had wanted to hug me like that.
"I'm not Nick," was all I managed to say.
"Shit!" was her reaction. "Sorry. You must be John?"
"Yep," I replied. I was taking the opportunity to check her out and I liked what I saw. She was curvy not stick thin, with a decent sized pair of breasts, assuming they weren't helped out by a wonderbra, but I didn't think so.
"It's an easy mistake to make, you're not the first. I'm not complaining if I get a free hug!"
"Perhaps I should start again," she said, and held out her hand for me to shake it. "I'm Cassie, a good friend of James. Pleased to meet you John. As you will have gathered, I've met Nick before. In fact, I introduced him and James, which seems to have worked out rather well."
When she smiled at me I felt my heart and crotch warm. "It's definitely working. I've barely seen my brother, and when I do he always has a daft grin on his face. I suppose I should thank you, although he used to have a few more topics of conversation than how wonderful James is!"
"Sorry about that. I can imagine. After they met all they would do was stare into each other's eyes. It wasn't quite the fun night out with my mate I had imagined, but it was really sweet!"
As she spoke a man came over from the bar with drinks in each hand. He came right over to her, put one of the glasses in her hand, and then slipped his arm around her waist. The look on his face was almost proprietorial, warning me off. She introduced us and I discovered this was her boyfriend, Gary. I managed to act pleased to meet him, but I really wasn't. I had felt an attraction to her from the moment she hugged me and finding out she was off the market actually made me feel a pang of jealousy. After he arrived he clearly wanted to get away and she excused herself, apologising again for the earlier confusion.
* * * *
I didn't see her again for a few weeks, although she had been on my mind. One weekend James asked if his best friend could come over. It turned out he was talking about Cassie. I promised myself I would remember she had a boyfriend already and I would just be myself and normal around her. It went wrong from the moment the doorbell rang. I nearly jumped out of my chair desperate to see her again.
When I opened the door to let her in I was glad that it was dark outside and the light was behind me. Otherwise I was fairly sure she would have seen the immediate look of lust on my face. As it was I think she heard my sharp intake of breath, and I had to cover by saying it was cold outside. As she came in I was able to see her better and that only made matters worse. All the feelings I had in the pub were more intense now I could see and talk to her properly.
Rather than my plan of just being myself that night, I ended up looking like an idiot. I could barely open my mouth to speak to her without getting tongue tied. I was really glad that Nick and James were so into each other that they didn't see my discomfort. My cock had twitched the second I opened the door, and I spent the whole evening trying to keep it under control. Aside from my observations about her face and body, she was also intelligent, kind and funny. A perfect package all round and I had no idea what to do. If I hadn't known she had a boyfriend I think I would have jumped her there and then.
* * * *
Over the following months I had seen a lot of her as James was round all the time, and before long had moved in. Seeing more of her didn't help my obsession but at least I was better able to control myself and act fairly normal when she was about. Usually one night at the weekend we would all get a takeaway, watch a film or two or something on the tv and sit in the front room drinking and chatting. The really hard part would come when Nick and James snuck off to get frisky and I was left with her. She could have left when James went but she didn't seem to mind spending time alone with me. It got my hopes up many times, but when I said anything flirtatious to her there was no reaction.
Every time she left the house I would head up to my room straight away. I would go back over what we had talked about, seeing her smiling and laughing at what I had said. Then my imagination would take over and she would change from the reality and would be responding to my flirting, so that I would be kissing and holding her and soon we would be making love on the sofa, or I would have dragged her upstairs to my bed and be licking her all over. While I had these thoughts I would be stroking my hard dick until I was shooting cum all over myself. Each time I did it, as I was recovering I would tell myself not to let it happen again. She thought of me as a friend and I was using her as a masturbation fantasy, but each time she left I was too horny not to do it and I couldn't seem to stop myself thinking about her.
I suppose I started to convince myself there was something more there. Sometimes I caught her looking at me and thought I saw a glimmer of want in her eyes. Other times I would brush against her and she would shiver as though there was electricity running through her as it did through me when she was near. The amount of time we spent alone together seemed longer each time as though she was reluctant to leave, but she always did and I was always gutted. I knew she was going back home to her boyfriend. When she spoke about him, which actually she didn't do a lot when it was just the two of us, I could feel the bile rising at the thought of him having his hands on her and getting to do the sorts of things I could only do in my imagination. When she spoke about what a nice guy he was the jealousy that rose up in me was initially a surprise, but I kind of got used to it after a while.
In some ways I wish I had spoken to Nick about everything I was feeling, but it didn't seem right because Cassie was such a good friend to James. I sure as hell didn't want him knowing about my feelings in case he told her and things became awkward. Mind you, the advantage of not telling them was that James would talk freely about Cassie and Gary in front of me. Some stuff I didn't really want to know, but I started to get a picture of a relationship that was bumbling along and neither one of them had the guts to end because they were good friends. One time he made some comment in front of her that implied she wasn't getting any good sex. She had looked embarrassed at the comment, and I thought she glanced at me to see my reaction.
Eventually I built all this up in my head and made the decision that next time she came over I would get drunk, tell her how I felt, and ask her to be with me. I figured she would go for it and if it went badly I could at least blame the drink. I didn't want to put myself on the line, but I had become a virtual hermit, living for the next time I saw her and dreaming about her all the time in between. Nick had noticed I wasn't going out much but I just said I was too busy with work and made it look like I was spending time on the computer working on projects, rather than looking at porn to try and relieve the itch like I really was.
* * * *
She stood to leave, and this time I knew I couldn't let her, not without saying what was on my mind. The several vodkas I'd downed during the evening took away most, but not all, of the fear I was feeling, but certainly enough that I could no longer stay silent and let her walk away to leave me frustrated yet again.
She turned back to look at me, clearly surprised by my request.
"Please don't go. Stay here with me."
"What are you on about? I've got to go home, it's late."
"I know that. I also know you don't want to leave. Why go back to him when you can have me?"
"You're drunk," she replied, looking nervous but not angry and that was enough for me to keep going.
"Maybe a little, but I know what I'm saying. I see how you look at me, and how you react to my touches. Why go back to a man you don't love when you can have so much more?"
"What do you know about it? I do love him."
Okay, so now she was starting to get angry, or at least annoyed, but I was on a roll and full of confidence. I knew what she wanted, she just needed a little more persuasion.
"You care about him as a friend. I bet you can barely get through him shagging you, when he bothers to, and even then you have to imagine it's really me. The real thing would be so much better."
"Shut up. Drunk and needy doesn't do it for me."
"And boring and safe, always wanting something better, does? I know you want me, just admit it."
"I want you to shut up and leave me alone. You don't know anything about me."
"I know you want me, and I know I want you. Stay with me. Don't go back to him when you can stay with a man who loves you."
"Fuck off. I don't want anything to do with you. You don't love me, you just want what you can't have."
"You're afraid of me and what you feel. You're only saying this because you don't trust yourself to touch me, because you know you wouldn't want to stop. One touch, one kiss, and you'd forget all about him and be in my bed, I promise."
"I don't want your promises, and I don't want your kisses. I'm leaving, now, before you make even more of a fool of yourself. Stay away from me," she shouted.
* * * *
Now I was wandering around the house again, with nothing keeping my mind off the monumental mistake I had made. I had managed to get drunk and talk to her. Well, I started talking to her, but by the end we were shouting at each other. In my imagination she had never been horrified when I declared my feelings, but when I actually did it the look on her face was not pleasure. She didn't want to kiss me, she wanted to run. I told her that I thought her relationship with Gary was a sham and she would be happy with me. She was quite harsh telling me I knew nothing about it, but to be fair I was probably being quite arrogant thanks to the drink.
It had all gone wrong. We were shouting at each other, which even brought Nick and James back downstairs. I don't know how much of the conversation they had actually heard, but they got down in time to witness Cassie storming out the front door. Nick tried to talk to me but I wasn't keen to relive my humiliation. James hung back as I could see he was torn. I had clearly just really pissed off his best friend. His mobile beeped then and I saw him read a message that must have been from her as he looked at me oddly and then wandered back upstairs.
Since that night I hadn't seen her at all, and had spent over three months reliving the break up of a relationship that had only ever existed in my head. I knew it was ridiculous, but I couldn't seem to get over it. I had thought having her around when she was driving me nuts with lust was bad, but not seeing her at all was a million times worse. She hadn't been over to the house at all, although I knew that James still saw her regularly. I tried to ask him about it once. He told me that she hadn't told him exactly what was said but she felt it would be too difficult to see me. That just confirmed that she didn't feel for me like I did for her and it hurt again. After that I didn't ask him about her again even though I wanted to know how she was doing. I really wanted to be able to go back to how things were before, but that wasn't possible.
That didn't mean that I had entirely given up hope, although every time I imagined meeting her again I mentally kicked myself. She was still the person in my dreams and fantasies. I felt less guilty about that now because at least I knew the truth and wasn't building myself up for another fall, but I felt sad that I was still obsessing over someone I couldn't have.
* * * *
As I was deciding to clean the kitchen for want of something better to take my mind off things, I heard the doorbell. I went to answer the door and was really shocked to see Cassie standing there, wondering if I was actually asleep and imagining it. For a moment I was really pleased and then the instinct to preserve what was left of my dignity and not show her that I was hurting came over me. When I spoke even I was surprised at the cold tone of my voice.
I had dreamed about her coming over and telling me she was wrong and wanted me after all, but I wasn't prepared to let myself think that was why she was here. I realised after a moment that she was talking to me and asking to come in. My mind was racing but I tried to stay calm. I let her in and when she went to sit on the sofa, went across to the chair, as far away as I could to give myself a bit of breathing space and so I hopefully wouldn't react too much to her presence.
Seeing her in reality reminded me of how cute she was. I wasn't relaxed at all, and she looked nervous as well. It must have been quite difficult for her to come here, but I wanted to know why she had. If she was going to crush me again at least she could have the decency to get it over and done with. When she started to talk I listened intently but tried not to let any feelings show on my face.
"I am really sorry. I shouldn't have run away from you like I did. I shouldn't have stayed away all this time either. I.. I missed you."
As she said this she seemed to be avoiding looking at me. My mind was racing and trying to work out if this was good or not. I wanted to be able to spend time with her again, but I wasn't sure I could do that and manage to keep my distance.
I cleared my throat. "I missed you too," I said, almost under my breath.
She looked at me then. I knew that whatever else might be said I did owe her an apology for my comments.
"I shouldn't have said what I did, knowing that you were happy with Gary, but I'd convinced myself that you were interested in me, and I knew what was best for you."
I looked away then. It suddenly occurred to me that this was probably only about an apology and I couldn't let myself start to feel anything for her. The best thing I could think of to save myself from any heartache was to ask how Gary was.
"We broke up," she said, quickly.
My heart leapt at hearing that, but it only took a moment for my head to but in and remind me that this did not mean that she had come over to take me up on my offer. She wasn't interested, she had made that quite clear when we were arguing that night. But I wondered what she did want.
"Not that I mind, but why are you here?" I asked.
"I saw James earlier. We were talking and he persuaded me that I should come and talk to you. I was scared to. I didn't think you would want to talk to me after I did the three minute mile getting out of here."
I wanted to do a hell of a lot more than talk to her, but I couldn't let that show. I wondered exactly what James had said about me, bearing in mind how I had been behaving at home.
"I suppose he told you I have been a wreck since you left," I said.
"Not exactly. But it made it worse thinking that I had hurt you. He convinced me that I should try and make things up with you, at the very least apologise."
So James had told her I had been upset. Maybe not all of it, but she had an idea that I hadn't been coping well. I didn't like the thought that she had only come over to apologise, but it was a start. And she had said 'at the very least'. Was that a good sign?
"So what do you want from me?" I asked.
There was a silence that seemed incredibly long. I was desperate for her to say something, and still hoping despite my head trying to convince me it wasn't a possibility, that she might want more from me than just to talk. Her answer confused me but did raise my hopes again.
"I wanted to see if we could still be friends. I wanted to see you again because I missed you a lot. I hoped that I could test some theories."
That was a bit cryptic, so I asked, "What theories?"
"Mine that you only wanted me because you couldn't have me... and yours that I was pushing you away because I couldn't trust myself to be around you."
Oh God. That was what we had said to each other when we argued. She had been thinking about our conversation as well. Maybe running it over and over in her head just like I had. And if she wanted to test those theories, well, they could only be tested by us actually doing something, couldn't they? And if she'd been thinking like that then she must want to be with me? I could barely contain myself but still didn't want to get too excited. There was still a part of me that thought this must all be a dream. I decided I could afford to get closer to her and stood up to move to sit on the sofa. I didn't want to push anything so I left a decent gap between us. I could still feel my body reacting to having her close though and tried to will my dick to stop hardening.