That Damn Dog

Carol brightened considerably. Ohhh fuck! When will I ever learn to keep my big mouth shut?

"Ohhh in that case there's something I just have to show you." I groaned to myself as Carol took me by the hand and almost dragged me inside the house. "Benny and I went skiing with Frank and Ivy last summer. I have photos of us in the boat. Would you like to see them?"

I cursed inwardly, "Good one James, your IQ just plummeted below Beth's!" But agreed to Carol's request.

"Sure! I'd love to check out the boat."

As Carol opened the photo album, she sidled in close, rubbing her shoulder on my arm while flipping through the pages. I, for my part was trying to keep my distance without making it too obvious and with damn little success. I was looking every now and then out of the sliding glass door to see if I could catch Kelly's attention.

She and the others weren't looking in this direction, but chatting animatedly between themselves. Every now and then Carol would bring her hand up and play with the lining of her bodice, drawing my eyes to her cleavage or touch my arm to bring my attention to a photo she was showing me.

Okay, so she's a sexy vulture, with a great set of tits, so sue me!

Carol made more comment on Ivy and her bikinis or lack thereof, than on the boat, they were sitting in. "Like what you see Jimmy? We had a wonderful time that weekend, skiing and lazing around getting suntanned. Maybe we can make it a weekend with all of us when Frank gets his boat back in the water?"

That's when I finally backed off. Carol had her back to the glass slider as she put the album down on the coffee table, which allowed her top to fall open just a smidgeon more and giving me a little more to look at than my undies felt comfortable with. Holy shit, she's not wearing a bra! I told you how great her tits looked, didn't I? Well she was giving me the front row seat here.

Now I don't care what women say about men looking at their chests instead of their faces. If they put it on display, then they can't get uppity over us staring. I know I've chipped Kelly on a couple of occasions for showing more than I felt comfortable with while out in public. Her standard response to that is, "Ohhh, I didn't know!"

"Ahhhkarbullshit!" No, I don't have a cold! If I was wearing shorts and my dick was hanging out one side and my balls out the other of my pants leg. I'd---fucking---know it!

When she straightened up, her left hand slid up her leg and nestled invitingly on her inner thigh making her skirt ride up ever so slightly. Her right hand was playing with the bow between her tits. "See anything else you like Jimmy? Anything you want to check out further?"

Okay, what do you think I was thinking fellas? Well you're wrong! I suddenly felt like I was food! Mental note to self, "Apologise to every woman I ever gave that look to." While it might be great if you're interested, it certainly is intimidating, almost terrifying if you have no intentions of going down that road.

I actually caught myself looking at Carol's cleavage and as good as it looked, I felt beads of sweat form on my forehead. I shot a glance back out the door. Kelly and the others still weren't looking this way.

God damn it, never a cop around when you want one, but like women, do one god damn thing wrong and they're sitting right on your fucking arse, ready to tear you a new one! I had a distinct feeling that this was a set up, that they were waiting for something to happen.

I had to admit that Carol was good at the seduction game. Nothing really overt, just subtle little movement with her hands to draw my attention. Her perfume was one I recognised; one Kelly uses all the time to drive me insane. Now that was overt! And I suddenly had to wonder if she'd got some off Kelly for this specific purpose. If it wasn't for her last remark, I could have ignored the come on and gone on with enjoying the show, but that one tore it.

"Do you do this with all your guests Caroline?"

Carol's face paled slightly as she dropped her hand, not expecting this particular reaction. My tone didn't sound questioning, because it was definitely wasn't, so it made her fidget with the sash around her waist. "What's that supposed to mean?"

I had finally come to the end of my tether, "Don't play dumb with me Caroline, you're not Elizabeth. It seems to me that every time Kelly and I come to one of these little soirees of yours, I'm fending off advances from one or other of you women. First, it was Pam, then Sue and Liz, and now you? You all seem to think that I'm the sort of husband that will cheat on his wife. Well let me put you straight Caroline. I have no intention of dishonouring my marriage vows!"

Carol seemed to shrink. "I will not cheat of my wife for anyone! That includes you and your friends, Caroline. I don't know how you interact with each other, and I don't want to know either. If you and the others truly loved your husbands, then you and they wouldn't be trying to get me to play house with them and you certainly wouldn't be doing what you did just this minute." My face was now a mask of the disgust I felt, and I strode to the sliding door and called out to my wife, "Kelly! We're leaving! NOW!"

Kelly whirled around from chatting with Chad and Ben, "What? You're joking? What's the matter, it's still early sweetie! Why do we have to leave so soon?" Carol got out of the house fast and as she got up to Kelly, she shrugged. I can read lips fairly well and I saw Kelly ask, "What the hell happened?" To which, all I could tell, Caroline just shook her head and kept walking.

Kelly came into the lounge and looked expectantly at me. "We're leaving, and I don't want any angst from you about it either." I growled.

Kelly looked worriedly back over her shoulder out the door, and then turned back to me, "What the hell has gotten into you James! What did you say to her? Carol looked as though she was going to cry."

"I doubt that very much!" I stated flatly. "I've had enough of these Stepford wives. Consider your group of adulterous affiliates off limits as far as I'm concerned! Now let's go! They make me sick."

Kelly regrouped and snapped back, "James Barrymore! You take that back! They're good people, and our friends. If you've upset Carol then you better go back out there and apologise!"

I looked at her with that, 'Who the fuck does she think she is' look, and then I just sneered, "Friends don't hit on their friend's husband. Good people don't act the way your so called friends are acting. I'm leaving in five! If you're not in the car by then, you can damn well walk home; ALONE!"

Not that she has that far to walk, only a mile or so, but with the heels she's wearing, you can multiply that by ten, and her feet are so tender that she wouldn't even contemplate taking them off.

Kelly had never seen me as angry; don't get me wrong, I can get a damn sight angrier than I was at that moment, not that she knew that, and tried a little conciliation, "Please James, there must have been a mistake. I'm sure we can work it out."

I just glared at her and could hear her voice fading as strode off out the front. "James? Wait a minute...I have to get my purse and shawl. Don't go anywhere!"

Kelly must have gone out back and over to her group again. Jeessus H Christ! What the hell happened to having a nice quite social evening, followed be a loving romp in the bedroom? I sat in the car and looked at my watch, two minutes twenty seven and counting.

~...~

The atmosphere in the car on the drive home was so cold there could have been icicles hanging off the rear view mirror. Neither of us said anything with my white knuckle brooding and Kelly scowling out the window deep in her own thoughts.

No sooner had we stepped into our house then Kelly open fired. "Damn you James, you embarrassed me back there tonight. I can't see what all the fuss was about?"

I was heading to the bedroom and stopped halfway up the staircase. "For your information my dear wife, I take a very dim view of infidelity, and I happen to value my marital vows. Carol and her cronies have tried their utmost to try and have me renege on my vows of...to forsake all others." I was starting to lose my rag and threw my arms up in disgust, "I give up. I'm going to bed before I say something that we'll both regret. Are you coming?"

Shut up! I know what you're thinking. The eternal optimist right? It's a man thing, okay! Just because the party turned to shit, doesn't mean that the rest of the evening had to follow acquiescently in its wake.

Kelly had other ideas though, and seemed more than a little miffed, because now her mood was severely embittered. "If you're going to bed with that attitude then you can kiss your chance of getting lucky good bye for tonight, or until you can be civil, Jimmie boy!"

Okay, so I was a little unrealistic in my optimism! Have you ever seen a dog going after a bitch in heat? He keeps trying, and that bitch keeps biting his head off until she's ready. Stupid huh, and I'd be feeling just as stupid if it weren't for me being just a tad pissed at Kelly's gang for ruining my night. God must be a woman! I mean, who in their right mind gives all the appeal and bugger all drive to one and a massive drive but fuck all appeal to the other. Pretty piss poor design if you ask me.

What is it about women that they just don't understand the statement, "The one you miss out on, is the one you'll never get? It's a fucking axiom for Christ sake, think about it for a second and you'll have to agree.

Maybe here it might be prudent to give you a little background on my loving wife. I met Kelly about seven years ago at the races, and after a twelve-month courtship, we married, to the concern of both our parents. You see that on both sides, there'd been one or two divorces. My father caught his first wife bumping hips with their next-door neighbour, she summarily took him to the cleaners, she got a good solicitor and he got screwed.

Kelly's mother Marcie has had two husbands, but unlike my father's first wife, she wasn't the one screwing around. She also got screwed over by both of them. The first managed to drink and gamble the family finances away before slithering off into the night, leaving her working three jobs to pay off debts incurred. While the second, with whom she had a son, took off with his secretary draining the bank account to pay for his getaway and never paid a cent in maintenance. One of those deadbeat dads I suppose! Kelly is the daughter of Conroy, husband number three; talk about glutton for punishment, reminds me of that damn dog!

So you see, they didn't have a whole bunch of faith in love conquering all. Which makes you wonder why they went back for additional goes at it? What they did do though, was to have us sign a prenuptial, so in case the marriage did go south for one reason or another, then both sides would be protected. Neither of us wanted to think that way, being in the clutches of wondrous love and romance.

All was going swimmingly right up until Kelly met up with her gang again, and I do mean, again. It appears that these cronies of hers went to school together with her; well the female ones at any rate. Kind of puts me on the outer right from the start, doesn't it. I went to school in WA, that's Western Australia for those that don't know.

I got into a little altercation with know-it-all Norman, when he tried to tell me that things were big in Texas, even bigger than Queensland. What a dipshit! I asked him, "Does Texas have a coal train that's two mile long, and that's just one that only has two engines at the front, it's at Port Augusta S.A? I've seen some in Queensland that have two locos up front and two in the middle, fucking miles apart." I told him that England can fit into Queensland twelve times when it comes to land mass, and is only the second biggest state in Australia, second to WA. Kind of makes big old Texas look like nothing more than a suburban backyard!

I won't bother telling you about the kerfuffle we had over our Germany v Australia roads dispute. They wanna have forty lanes on that fucking autobahn ... in both directions! If Texas is the backyard, then Germany is the veggie patch in the back corner ... with ants running amuck on it. Fucking idiot!

Now before you go getting all huffy, I'm not saying that Texan's don't have the right to be proud of their lone state, or beat their own drum. They have plenty to be proud of; hell Texas produces more oil on its own, than all of Australia's oil fields combined. I just wish the moron would get his facts right!

Okay, so there's not much you can do with seventy percent of WA. On the Nullarbor Plain, a dingo has to pack a cut lunch, just so he can go for a piss, but that's beside the point. WA has some spectacular scenery, great crayfishing, and mountains full of iron ore, not to mention Bondie. That's Allan Bond ... still don't know, Google America's Cup 83, you'll get the picture. Just don't mention to anyone about his business practices and you'll be okay.

Kelly had to throw herself between us after that comment about Texas. I have to admit that the beer had been flowing, and I had a few self-control issues. Another smartarse comment out of him and he would have been spitting teeth for the next week.

What? Ohhh sorry, got off the subject again, didn't I. Well, he fucking annoys me with his constant big notin himself.

International fucking tourist be fucked! Ask him anything about Australia and all he could tell is what his fucking house looks like. The prick wouldn't have his shoes on the right feet if it weren't for the L and R he must have written on the heels. Where was I? Right Kelly! She and I were rolling along like a grassfire in a stiff breeze, right up until they showed up, and things haven't been the same since.

Kelly gets bitchy when she doesn't get her own way! I know, I've been on the end of her acid tongue many a time, but that's not the big weapon in her arsenal, no sir! If her tongue can be described as a switchblade that verbally slices and dices, then sex is the A bomb, and she can wield that with the precision and dexterity of a weapon's master!

So what happened next won't surprise you in the least then will it?

I heard her comment about getting lucky, which reminds me. Why does a wife always make you feel like you're paying for a little loving? Moreover, why should I be the one to be getting lucky? Fuck me dead, I can get lucky, if I buy her a pearl necklace, or a new outfit, but has she ever bought me a fucking toolbox or fishing rod in the hope that she might get luck; damn right she hasn't.

My father tells me all the time, the only difference between wives and hookers is that you know up front what you're paying for when you take on a hooker, and if she doesn't give you what you want, then you're free to go down the road find one that will. Once you're married, that's it, you're fucked ... or not, as the case maybe.

Damn, does dad sprout off once he gets started on wives. He says, that not only are you paying for it while you're not getting what you want, but you're paying for the bitch to screw someone else after she leaves with half your stuff. You should see Marcie and dad go at it; Holy hell, we have to keep them separated for the sake of peace and harmony in the family. I know I almost got stuck on my arse when I asked him, "Then why did you get married the second time?" I got out of there real quick, I don't think he had an answer for that one. I fucking did it again; sorry...back to the story.

Damn, I've forgotten where I was, ohhh I know, about getting so damn lucky huh, piffle, but made no indication that I had. Bitter experience had taught me that once Kelly got into one of her moods, it was generally days before she had cooled down enough to warm up and converse rationally. "I'm tired Kelly, if you want to come to bed then I'm not stopping you, but if you think I'm going to sleep in the spare room or on the fucking couch just because you have a bug up your arse, then think again." With that, I trudged up the stairs.

Kelly was now way past miffed and well on the way to downright angry. I know it was my fault, and I fully accept responsibility for that last statement, but there comes a time when you just have to say, fuck it!

I could see Kelly hesitate ever so slightly, and it gave me pause for confidence in, if not winning this argument then going for the draw.

What? I'm insane, not stupid; there is no win/win situation here, we're dealing with a female remember.

"I have no intention of sleeping with an inconsiderate high almighty arsehole like you!" With that, she swooped up the stairs into the room. Damn that woman can move when she wants too. She gathered up her nightgown and marched off to the spare bedroom slamming the door behind her. This did surprise me a bit, because I half expected to have our door slammed in my face. See what I mean, I win the argument and lose the night of passion. I call that a draw.

Now don't go thinking that if you throw the match, then you can catch the action on the other end, no way. I fell for that one early in our marriage, threw the argument and all that happened was her gloating that she had won, big time, and me getting irritated because I knew why she'd won. And then getting into it for round two, me losing that one by default, or was that my fault? Fucked if I know, I just know I lost both ways, lose/lose to me, all over bar the shouting. So no, I don't throw fights anymore; the best you can aim for is a draw, one way or another.

As far as I was concerned the whole incident was finished. I know, the perpetual optimist. Remember the dog, yeah well it's instinctual, born and bred into us men, bit like credit cards and shopping are for women, so if men weren't perpetual optimists, the whole damn human race would come to a fuckin grinding halt.

The temperature around the house was still cool for the next couple of days, but Kelly had other ideas and brought it all back up Saturday morning over breakfast. "James we have to talk sweetheart! This is stupid the way we've been skirting each other."

"I don't have a problem Kelly! It's you and your friends who have the problem; they just won't leave it alone, and you keep backing them up. Until you can get them to back off, then I can only see this winter chill in the air lasting a while longer."

Kelly visibly shook with distress. "You're making a mountain out of a molehill! All our friends like you and just want to get to know you better, that's all! It's like the thing with your name! Why is it so damn important for everyone to call you James, instead of Jim, or Jimmy? You shorten their names, so why so stodgy about yours."

"Like me? You have got be joking! Okay Kelly! It's like this! I'm not into hypocorism. I happen to like my name the way my parents meant it to be. If my mum and dad wanted me being called Jim, or Jimmy, or some stupid pet gibberish then they would have christened me that, but they christened me James. I don't know why, but they just did and I have no wish to bastardise it. As far as me shortening their name goes, I wouldn't normally, it's just that they seem to like their pet-names so I go with the flow and try to make them feel comfortable; something they don't have any inclination of wanting to do for me ... I might add!"

Remember, I've already lost one, and I'm not in the least bit interested in a two nil score board. My dander was up now and I fired off again, "And that's not all. You weren't there when Caroline just about dropped her tits out for my supposed viewing pleasure." I could see Kelly almost giggling behind her hand when she heard that, and it pissed me off more.

"Now you are over reacting sweetie. How about I have a talk with them and see if I can't work out a compromise?"