That Damn Red Dress

"He's supposed to!" He shook his head. "And now you're leaving."

"Well I was going to stay awhile, but you're yelling at me!" I pulled my jeans on, and unable to spot my bra, pulled my T-shirt on without it.

"Because I don't want an hour. I want the night you've been promising me!" He came around the bed, and stopping in front of me, put his hands out, "You haven't spent the night in over a month."

"I...I can't leave him alone. Tonight uncle was going to drop him off late and make sure there was no booze in the house. I have his car and hid the keys to mine."

"I even offered to stay at yours, but you said..."

"I can't have you there, he gets..." I sighed. "He loses track of where and when he is. He wouldn't know you and might get stupid."

"And how long before he gets stupid with you?" Josh asked.

"He would never." I tried to sound convincing because the sad fact was, dad was beginning to get funny around me. Not in a violent way though. In fact in a way his behavior was worse than that. It... "Are you not telling me something?"

"Huh?"

"You just got a look on your face." His eyes narrowed. "Your old man isn't hitting you, is he? Because I'll go over there and..."

"My dad would never hurt me, and you won't hurt him." I yelled in his face, "I'm sorry you're mad at me! I'm sorry you didn't get to blow a fucking load, okay? And I'm sorry my dad is having problems!"

"Blow a load?" He waved his hand disgustedly. "That's what you think I care about? Guess you don't know me. You mean a lot to me Nicole, and tonight was a big night for us.

"We said we loved each other."

"And we do!" I told him, trying to calm down. "And if you love me you'll...."

"Don't even try that!" he pointed in my face. "Don't you dare try a guilt trip! Nicole your mother passed a year ago tomorrow. Your father has issues, and I've understood and dealt with it. But he's been out of control for two months, and it's to the point we barely see each other. I wanted one fucking night!" he walked away shaking his head. Then nodding, as if to his own thoughts, turned back to face me. "Tell me, Nicole, am I worth one night?"

"Of course you are! You're worth every night! Right now is hard, and it's because the anniversary is coming and...."

"Right now? Okay what about after Valentine's? You think he'll snap out of it?" He lowered his voice. "My dad was a drunk. Lost his job, lost me and my mom and eventually died of liver poisoning. He never stopped. Know what? Good riddance. If he didn't love us enough to straighten out, who cares? Your mom's brother is a shrink; he's offered your dad all kinds of help and for free. He doesn't fucking want it."

"It's not that easy," I countered. "He's..."

"Going downhill, and I am sorry, Nicole. But because he is going downhill, you need someone. I want to be that someone, but I'm twenty years old, and I don't need this kind of drama."

"What does that mean?" I asked, my stomach starting to turn.

"Stay tonight, like you promised."

"That's not fair!"

"Bullshit. If it was the first time sure, or the second or the fifth." He grunted.

"I've lost track of how many nights you've cancelled or had to fuck and run," he sighed. "If we even got that much time together. You've proved you'll do anything you can for a sinking ship that doesn't care. Now prove you'll do something for me. Stay tonight."

"If I don't?" I crossed my arms as if daring him to say it.

"Then..." He looked away for a momen,t and when he looked back at me I was surprised to see tears in his eyes. "Then find someone who understands. I don't need all of you during this, Nicole, but I'm not going to feel like a prick for wanting some of you, and I'm not going to hang around and wait for it to the end the way I know it's going to."

"You think my father will kill himself?" I asked, my tears flowing harder now.

"I...I don't know. What I know is he's pretty much killed us, and I'm sorry. If you can't stay, I understand, but understand that you don't need to come back."

"Josh, please don't do this to me!" I started to sob. "I...I need you!"

"I need you too. Difference is I am here, and you never can be." He wiped at his eyes. "Just go, Nicole. I already know you're going to."

"Please?" I whimpered. "Please don't talk like that."

"Please go, Nicole." he said softly. "Your heart's with him right now, not me."

He sat on the bed and stared at the floor. I stood there crying softly, but he wouldn't look up. I took a deep breath and squared my shoulders. I'd been through too much to fall apart for anyone.

"Fine. I wish I'd answered the phone earlier. Then you wouldn't have said what you don't mean."

"I...do...I did mean it," he said, "But I'm too young for a one way street."

I started to say something, but instead, I put my head down and grabbing my purse, walked past him. I made my way slowly to the door, waiting for him to stop me, but when he spoke, it was to say, "I hope for both your sakes your dad gets help, Nicole. Good luck."

From I love you to good luck. I was leading some kind of life right now. I grabbed the knob then recalled the earrings.

"I'll leave the earrings here." I said, starting to remove one.

"Keep them," he said without looking up. "I bought them for you."

"You sure?"

"Why not? Trust me. They're not the only hearts you're taking from me tonight."

*****

I sat on the couch waiting for Uncle Ron to show up with my father. At first, he had texted me to say that the police said it was too late to post bail, but uncle called in a favor, and was waiting for someone to call the sergeant. When I'd first gotten home, I'd seen that dad had stopped in at some point and made a couple of sandwiches. He left the mess on the coffee table along with four empty Budweiser bottles.

Still sniveling and trying to hold back tears from the argument with Josh, I mechanically washed the table, did the few dishes in the sink and tossed out the beer bottles. It did not escape my notice that the recycling bin was already overflowing with empties, and it had just been picked up three days ago. I wandered into Dad's room and looked sadly at the bed. On it was that goddamn red dress that I was dying to throw away.

Instead, I hung it back up in mom's closet. Everything was still there just as it had been the morning she had driven off to work and never came home. Instead she was killed in a head on collision caused by the other driver having heart attack behind the wheel. Quite appropriately, it had been Friday the thirteenth. The next day was Valentine's and would have been the twenty fifth anniversary of the night they met.

Because it fell on the most romantic day of the year, well maybe not in my case, I added dryly, they always made a bigger deal of it than their actual wedding anniversary. They were supposed to go to a fairly upscale party, and mom had bought a new dress. Dad had always loved mom in red, and she had picked out an elegant but sexy dress with the hem falling far below her knee, but with a slit almost up to her hip.

I'd seen her in it that night. She'd been so excited, she had to try it on for me. All she had talked about was how blown away dad was going to be. Mom had teased dad by showing it to him on the hanger. He had declared it his favorite without ever seeing mom in it and added that he would be thinking of it all the next day. As it turned out, the last dress dad had seen mom in was a black one we had picked to bury her in. Not that it mattered what she wore, the accident had been so horrific, it was a closed casket.

My eyes filled up, and after staring at the rows of dresses and shoes neatly lined up, as if awaiting her return, I slammed the closet door shut. I went out to the living room, where I sat and sobbed until all that was coming out were painful heaves. The crying was a mixture of old grief for mom and new pain from Josh. I held out hope he would call after tonight, but he was right; what the hell was going to change? Nothing that's what. At least not for the better. Not unless me or uncle could finally get it through to him to go get some therapy.

At this point I didn't care that uncle was taking a long time to get dad. I needed the time to bawl like a baby and try to get myself together to deal with him. Hopefully, he would be in that state to just want to go to bed and alone. Several nights in the last month he wouldn't let himself fall asleep unless I stayed with him, and let's face it. It really wasn't me he was thinking of.

I took a deep breath and wondered how much longer uncle and I could handle dad and keep him from either real trouble or doing real harm to himself. There was a part of me that wanted to just haul off and smack him for what tonight had cost me. I'd known Josh for a few months before we started dating, and with a smile, mom had predicted he would ask me out, that she could see it in how he looked at me.

I know she would have loved to see me with him. Dad thought he was great too, but it was dad causing the problems. Tomorrow when he was sober, maybe I would point blank tell him what he had cost me. Maybe that would get through to him. Then again it could make him worse, the usual rock and a hard place. Looking over at the mantle, I stared at the picture of mom. Her big, brown eyes, looked as calm in the photo as they had been in real life. Mom rarely got upset, but when she did...

But the one thing she always said about dealing with someone you loved was "do what you have to and do it with love." She would sometimes add "no matter how bad you want to smack them." Well, in reality I couldn't smack my father, although the other night I had come close. Leaning back, I closed my stinging eyes and thought about the last few months.

Josh had been right; dad hadn't seemed too bad off immediately following mom's passing. But then again, Uncle Ron had taken some time off, and I did online courses that semester. One of us was always with him. Dad went back to work after a couple of months and looked as if he was getting into a good routine.

I knew the exact day dad had begun the downhill trend. He asked me to help him pack mom's clothes to give to a women's shelter. He felt it was time, and there were a lot of nice things that women who were down on their luck could use. Mom would like that. It was about that time I had hinted mom might like him to not be alone, but he had looked at me like I was nuts, trying to claim that he would never. I made a comment that he was only forty five, but when he started talking about never being able to bring another woman into the house, I let it go.

When we opened the closet, the first thing we saw was that stupid dress hanging on the back of the door. I took it down, thinking that I might keep it for myself if I ever had a chance to go somewhere upscale enough. Dad took it from me and at first seemed okay. He took it over to lay it out on the bed. The next thing I knew, he was crying about how they never had that last night and he never said goodbye. All he wanted was just one more anniversary with her.

He then said to leave everything as it was. Even my mother's dresser was the same, all her clothes in the drawers and her makeup and perfume lined up as neat as her clothes. At this point it was like an unhealthy shrine, but dad freaked at any suggestion of getting rid of it. I did try to toss the dress after the third time I had caught him crying over it, but he caught me. He was so angry, there was a moment I thought he might hit me.

He was drunk at the time and for the most part had been since that night. A night didn't go by that he didn't drink at least a six pack and chase it down with a couple of shots while half paying attention to whatever was on TV. He said it was the only way he could sleep, and even then I would peek into his room and see him staring at the ceiling at all hours of the night. The last couple of months the drinking had increased, and he was missing time from work. I felt it was a matter of time before they ran out of patience, and he ended up fired.

Mom had insurance, but dad paid my last two years of school upfront, and things were a little tight. I worked thirty or so hours at the bookstore in addition to a full course load at school. If he lost his job it wouldn't take more than couple of months for us to really be hurting, especially seeing he now seemed to own stock at the liquor store.

I jumped at the sound of a car door then a moment later heard a second. I peeked out of the blinds to see my father leaning on Uncle Ron, who was trying to guide him up the porch stairs. I got up, and opening the door for them, stepped back as they staggered in.

"I'm telling you, the assholes were lying; Laura was there."

"No, Jim, she's not there anymore," my uncle answered in that even tone I knew must come from his years as a therapist.

"Then where is she?" Is had come out "ish," and from several feet away I picked up the distinct scent of Jack Daniels.

"You know where she is, Jim," Uncle replied calmly.

"Bullshit!" Dad snapped. He roughly slung his arm from around Uncle's shoulders and gave him a push. "You people are fucking with me."

My dad was a big guy; He stood just over six feet, and he carried an easy two hundred pounds. Although his days of working on the docks were over a decade ago when they gave him a shot at inside sales, he was as strong as a bull. Uncle was tall, almost dad's height, but like his sister and his niece, he was on the thin side. Uncle staggered, but caught his balance.

Uncle gave me an exasperated look, and I shrugged. I was just getting ready to speak when dad's eyes widened, and he exclaimed, "There she is! There's my girl!"

He walked unevenly over to me and caught me in a hug that came close to crushing the breath from me.

"Here's my beautiful baby!" he laughed.

"Easy!" I forced a laugh. "Your baby's delicate!"

"Yeah." Dad released me from the bear hug, but kept his hands on my shoulders. Smiling down at me he said, "Always were a skinny little thing."

"Yup, hey dad you..."

"Nikki takes after you like that; kid eats like a bird and she's all legs."

Oh, no here we go.

"Dad, it's me."

I looked into his once-bright, blue eyes, which lately had a dull, lifeless look in them, and were surrounded by dark circles. As they were most of the time these days, they were bloodshot and glazed over.

"I know it's you my love." He smiled and cradled my cheek in the palm of his large hand. "See, Ronnie? Your pretty little sister is right here!"

"Jim, are you okay?" Uncle Ron stepped closer, his dark brown eyes narrowed in concern. I felt my nerves flutter. I'd never told him that recently when he was drunk, Dad thought I was...

"Fine, Ronnie. I'll tell you, you got some brains, but your baby sister got the looks, didn't you honey?"

Dad leaned forward and tried to kiss me. I turned my head quickly so his lips only grazed my cheek, and he laughed, "Oh, come on, don't be shy, Laura. We're married; your brother knows what we do."

"Dad, I...hey!" I exclaimed when his hand cupped my breast over my T-shirt. I shoved his hand down, and he grinned.

"Oh, that game?"

He slipped his hand behind my head, and this time held it still as his lips descended towards me.

"Hey!" Uncle called out. "That's your goddamn daughter!"

He grabbed dad by the shoulder and yanked hard enough to spin him around to face him. Dad was too drunk to resist, and he would have fallen had I not got my hands on the back of his shirt to steady him.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" he asked. "I can't touch my wife?"

"Jim, listen to me," Uncle said, once more speaking calmly. "That's not Laura, its Nicole. It's your little girl."

Dad turned back around so quickly, he almost fell again and stared at me. This time his eyes seemed to focus, and he gave me a weak smile, "Hey, kiddo. How was school?"

"It was good, dad," I told him.

"Good." He leaned forward and I flinched, but this time he gave my cheek a harmless peck. "Gotta get that education so you can make good money like your mom and your uncle." He sighed, "I wish I went to college."

"You did. You quit, remember?" Uncle reminded him.

"I did, didn't I?" He shrugged. "Well, that's okay. How smart you are ain't what you're worth right?"

"Right," I said. "You feeling okay?"

"I am," he said. "You look pretty tonight." He peered at me through his drunken haze. "I like those earrings."

"Josh gave them to me tonight."

"Oh." He nodded. "I like that kid." His smile faded. "So today's Valentine's Day?"

"No!" Uncle and I snapped in unison.

"It..." He began to sway on his feet, and uncle stepped up behind him. "No, it's the twelfth. Tomorrow is...the thirteenth."

His eyes immediately filled up and stared helplessly as he began to cry. "Oh my god, I...I know where Laura is! She's gone, she..."

"Jimmy, calm down." Uncle said.

"It's okay, dad," I said, fighting back my own tears. "She's at peace and..."

"She left me!" he moaned. "And I couldn't say goodbye!"

"That's okay, she knows you would have," Uncle told him coming around next to me and taking his arm. "How about we get you to bed?"

He stared at Uncle then looking at me closely, wiped his eyes. "My god, you look like your mother." He gently caressed my cheek. "You're so beautiful, Nikki. Just like her."

"Thanks, dad," I said, keeping my voice steady. "I'm how you can remember her every day."

"It shouldn't be that way."

"No, it shouldn't," Uncle said. He succeeded in pulling him away from me and towards the corridor that led to the bedroom. "But it is, and even though we're sad, Laura's happy, and that's what we should think of."

"I want to be happy." Dad said softly.

"You can be buddy, we just have to get you someone to talk to that's all."

"I ain't talking to no shrink," Dad told him. "They're all fucking assholes."

"Thanks," Uncle said. Looking over his shoulder, he gave me a wink.

"Night, dad." I called out.

"Goodnight, Nikki." He turned and blew me a kiss. "You tell Josh, he better watch out or I'll take care of him."

"You already did, dad," I muttered as I watched Uncle half-drag him into the bedroom.

I sat on the couch, and few minutes later, Uncle Ron came down the hall and came over to sit next to me.

"He sleeping?"

"Yeah." He nodded. "He should be out for the night. The cops said he had quite a bit."

"He'll wake up," I told him. "I don't care how much he's had."

"Nicole, are you okay?"

"I...I don't know." I shrugged.

"It doesn't seem to be getting easier." He put his arm around me. "But he'll come around. Your dad was the toughest son of a bitch I knew. That guy is in there somewhere."

"I hope so. I'm worried about the fourteenth."

"It's Saturday. I'll be here in the morning with Aunt Kathy, and we'll take him out for the day. You can get some rest."

"I'm working ten to four."

"Well, after that you can go see Josh and have some fun." He touched the red heart in my ear. "Those are nice; I think someone is getting..."

"We broke up tonight."

"What? But he gave you the..." He stopped when I started to cry. "Nicole, what happened?"

Haltingly, in between my tears, I told him about the fight. I left out exactly what we were doing, but I was pretty sure he could read between the lines. When I was finished, he hugged me close to him, and stroking my hair, he said, "Josh is gung ho for you honey. He'll call."

"I...I don't know."

"Know what I know?" He leaned back and pulling out a handkerchief, wiped at my cheeks, "I know that my sister told me before Josh asked you out that he was going to be her son-in-law."

"No. She...Did she really?" I asked.

"Yes, she did." He laughed, "Years ago, she told me I would marry Kathy, and at the time she was dating some dumb jock. But I had a thing for her, and he dumped her." He smiled. "My sister had a knack for that stuff. And she's watching over us, and she's probably whispering in that kid's ear he better not let you go."