That Damn Red Dress

"I don't blame him. Dad's...He's a lot Uncle."

"Yeah." He turned serious. "Nicole, has he ever...has he touched you like that before?"

"I..." I lowered my eyes. "He's tried to kiss me before, but that's the first time he touched me."

"You sure?"

"Well..." I hesitated.

"Nicole, you can tell me anything; you know that."

"Sometimes to help him sleep I lie down with him. A couple of nights he put his arm around me like I'm mom, but he doesn't you know..." I trailed off.

"Don't do that anymore."

"Dad would never hurt me."

"When he's himself, never. But Nicole, he...he's losing touch, and honey, he's a big strong guy and..."

"I said my dad would never hurt me!" I snapped. "And if I need to be in his bed sometimes for him to sleep, I'll do it! It's all I can do for him."

"You can't keep doing it."

"Mom said to do anything for the people you love and..."

"Do it with love." He nodded. "I know, and honey, I wish I could help."

"I'll try talking to him again tomorrow when he gets up." I sighed. "He doesn't have to go to work until nine, but if I don't start him moving by seven, there's no chance."

"I'm sorry you had to grow up this quick."

"I'm twenty, not twelve," I said defensively.

"And my sister's daughter." He grinned.

"I take that as a compliment." I managed to smile back.

"You better. She was a hell of a woman." He touched my hair. "And your dad is right, honey. You're a dead ringer, especially for her when she was your age." He glanced at his watch. "Well, it's after eleven, and I have to get up at three. My old ass has to get home. Sorry about tonight, hon, but I had to..."

"Don't worry," I told him. "Dad took care of me; I need to take care of him."

"Yeah, well, like I said, take my advice, and don't put yourself in that position, if for no other reason than how he would feel if he ever hurt you. Know what I mean?"

"I promise."

"Alright, and when are you around tomorrow?"

"I don't work until the afternoon. Why?"

"I'm meeting with a woman tomorrow morning that used to work with me. I ran into her at the hospital a couple of days ago. She asked how you were doing, and I told her about your father. She said she was going to swing by so I can give her some details. She says she has an idea of something that could help."

"What?"

"No idea, except whatever it is won't mean anything if we don't get him to buy into it."

He stood up. "I'll call you in the morning. You go get some sleep, kiddo."

"I will."

I walked him to the door, and locking it behind him, went down to my father's bedroom. I listened at the door and breathed a sigh of relief that all I could hear was him snoring. Maybe I would catch a break tonight. I went into the bathroom and turning on the hot water, stripped down. Looking at my nude form in the mirror, I sighed; in a better world I would still be at Josh's; showering with him behind me; running his hands over my soapy body and washing my hair and...

"Yeah, maybe in the movies," I told my image.

I stuck my hand in the shower to test the water and was starting to get in when I heard my uncle warning me about being careful with dad when he was drunk. I closed my eyes and recalled the look on his face when he tried to kiss me and how he had grabbed my breast. I hesitated, then stepping away from the shower, walked over to the door and locked it.

*****

I awoke with start at the sound of something crashing. I sat up and listened, trying to slow the pounding in my chest. I didn't hear anything and was starting to wonder if I'd been dreaming, when I heard the unmistakable sound of breaking glass. I threw myself out of the bed and was almost out my door, before it dawned on me. I was only in a pair of cotton boy-shorts and a skimpy tank top. I started to go back to find my robe when I heard another crash and dad sobbing loudly.

Forgetting the robe, I ran down the hallway and entered his room to see him sitting on the edge of the bed, his head in his hands. He was sobbing loudly, and as I slowly approached, I looked around the room and saw that the mirror over mom's bureau was shattered. I peered through the dim light filtering through the window from the street light and didn't see any blood on his hands.

Turning back to the mirror, I walked closer then saw the pieces of the Jack Daniels bottle mixed in with the shards of glass from the mirror.

"Dad, you okay?"

"N...no, I'm alone! She left me alone!"

"You're not alone, Dad," I said softly as I began to carefully pick up the pieces of glass and drop them in the wastepaper basket next to the bureau. "You have me."

"I...have you?"

"Of course you do," I said. Giving up on finding all the pieces of glass in the dark, I turned to face him. Before I did, I caught a glimpse of the picture of him that had been on the bureau next to the one of mom. It was completely shattered, talk about irony.

I saw dad looking up at me, and I walked over to stand in front of him. "You'll always have me, dad."

He looked confused and wiped at his bleary eyes. He had taken his shirt off, and I took in his broad shoulders and impressive arms. When he wasn't a mess, with his blond hair combed, his blue eyes bright, and flashing that big smile I used to see all the time, my father was a good looking guy. Maybe I would try to talk to him again about meeting someone. He had a lot to offer when he was himself and...

I came back from my thoughts at the feeling of his hand on my hip. I looked down and that's when I was reminded of the fact I was all but in my underwear.

"I like those little shorts, Laura," he whispered, his eyes locked below my waist. "Cute and sexy." He looked up and smiled. "Just like you."

"Dad," I said evenly. "I am not your wife."

He chuckled. "Right, and what game is it tonight Laura? Are you the babysitter?"

If dad was recalling things they used to do, that was a little too much information for me. I began to step back, and my thoughts turned serious once more when he slipped his hand behind my back and wouldn't let me move.

"Are you a bad girl tonight, Laura?"

"No, I'm your daughter, dad. Please..."

"Daughter," he rolled his eyes. "That's kind of sick, don't you think?" He shrugged. "But whatever you want."

"Dad!" I snapped, pushing his arm from around me. "Knock it off."

"You're right," he said softly, his eyes now fixed on my chest. "We don't have to play a silly game. I love my wife, and I love to show you how much. Come here."

I started to step back, but he unexpectedly stood up. I tried to move too fast and almost fell. Dad caught me around my slender waist and easily pulled me against him. He brushed my hair from my face and brought his face to mine. I pushed against his chest, but couldn't budge him. I started to yell at him, but my mouth was smothered by his. He kissed me hard, and I grimaced. Not just at the fact it was my father's lips, but all I could taste was bourbon.

I cried out when his tongue pushed against my lips, and I succeeded in turning my head from his.

"Stop it!" I yelled.

His lips fastened to my neck, and I elbowed him in the ribs. He seemed too far gone to notice and to my dismay I felt his hand slip under my shirt.

"Stop it!"

His hand closed over my breast, and at the same time, I felt his other hand start to reach into the top of my shorts.

"I missed you, Laura," he whispered in my ear.

Releasing my tit, he grabbed my wrist and with no warning, pressed my hand down on his crotch. At the feeling of how hard he was beneath his jeans and his hand beginning to slide between my thighs, I lost control. I brought my arm around as hard as I could, slapping him in the face. The slap sounded like a shot in the room, and dad's head snapped around hard to the side. His hand remained in my shorts, and beyond thought, I swung back handed and hit him even harder.

This time when his head snapped around, there was a look of naked rage on his face, and he grabbed my wrist hard enough to make me yelp.

"Daddy, please!" I sobbed, "Please don't hurt me!"

He blinked at me, and trying to control myself, I whispered, "It's Nikki, daddy. I'm your little girl."

His eyes widened, and letting go of my wrist, he repeated, "Nikki."

"Yeah, daddy," I breathed, my heart pounding. "P...please, move your hand."

His hand was still in my shorts and inches from between my thighs.

"Oh my God!" he exclaimed, yanking his hand away so fast I heard the shorts rip along the waist band. "Nikki!"

"It's okay, dad," I began. "I..."

"Oh, honey!" he reached out for me, and when I stepped backwards, his eyes filled with tears. "D...don't be afraid of me Nikki! I...I promise. I'm okay now!" He put his arms out to me.

Part of me wanted to hesitate, but I could see he was as scared as I was. I stepped up to him and let him hug me. He held me tightly, and I could feel his tears on my cheek. "Honey, I...I'm so sorry, Oh god. What's fucking wrong with me?"

"You need help daddy." I said in his ear, "You have to talk to someone."

"They can't help. They don't understand!"

"They can, and they do, dad. I'll go with you."

"Oh, Nikki." He sobbed and resting his head on my shoulder, moaned, "Oh, God. She's gone. She really is gone."

"She's been gone," I told him. "You just keep reliving it."

"I can't believe I almost hurt you." He said, "I'm so sorry!"

"If you're sorry, you'll get help, dad," I said firmly. "Uncle Ron is coming tomorrow to talk to me about it."

"I...I promise I will."

"You promised before and then told uncle to screw himself," I reminded him.

"No, this time I...I will."

I let myself relax and putting my arms around his shoulders, rubbed his back, "It's okay, dad. I know you wouldn't hurt me." That was not entirely true anymore, but for now he seemed himself.

"I don't ever want to hurt you." He sobbed in my ear, "You're all I have."

"Not true. You have uncle and aunty and friends at work. That's the booze talking. You're a good man."

"A good man would have said goodbye to his wife."

"Dad, why do you get so upset with that?"

I eased away from him and made sure to cross my arms over my breasts.

"Because I..." He looked away. "C...can't talk about it."

"Well you have to." I smiled and kissed his forehead. "But not tonight."

"I broke her mirror," he said sounding like a little kid. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay, I'll clean it up, and we can replace the glass. Now how about you go to sleep. You have to go to work tomorrow."

"Right."

"Go on." I pointed at the pillows. "Get comfy, and I'll fix the sheets."

"Thanks, Nikki," dad said quietly. "You're already an amazing woman."

"I have amazing parents."

"No, you had one, now you..."

"Still have one, now get some rest."

Dad nodded and sliding up the bed, swung his legs up on it.

"You want to get undressed?"

"Why?" he asked, his eyes already closing.

"Okay." I pulled the sheets up to his chest and started to turn around.

"Nikki."

"Dad?"

"Will...will you lay here with me?"

Uncle Ron seemed like a prophet at this point.

"I...I'd rather not, dad. You have to be able to sleep on your own."

He looked at me, his eyes still moist, "Please, honey? I...I need you."

I looked away and saw Mom's picture on the floor. Do what you have to and do it with love. I frowned down at my attire and looked around the room. Seeing one of dad'sT-shirts hung over the chair at the dresser, I grabbed it and slipped it on. I climbed onto the bed and lay on my back next to him. Dad rolled over on his side so he was facing me. He kissed my cheek and whispered, "Thank you Nikki. I'll be better, I promise."

"That would make me happy, dad."

"Then I'll make my little girl happy." He closed his eyes, and within moments he was breathing deeply.

I relaxed onto the bed and stared at the ceiling fan, trying to stop my mind from racing. After a moment I closed my eyes and started to nod off. My eyes snapped open when I felt dad's hand on my arm. I looked over to see his lips moving.

"I love being next to you Laura." His hand moved and rested on my stomach. "I love you."

"I love you too, dad."

He frowned in his sleep. "Laura, you there?"

I could still smell the booze on him and knew between being exhausted and drunk he was more out of it than awake. If I pushed, he would wake up, and it would be off to the races again. I couldn't take anymore.

"Good night, Jim," I said softly.

"I love you, Laura." He smiled in his sleep and pulled me closer to him.

I didn't fight it and slid myself close to him. His hand trailed up to just graze my breasts. I eased his arm down and resting my hand over his, said, "I...I love you too, Jim."

He sighed happily and began snoring softly in my ear. I lay there trying to stay strong, but turning my head, began to cry softly into the pillow.

*****

I lay on the couch, drifting in and out of sleep, when my phone began to ring on the coffee table. The time on the cable box was eleven thirty. Uncle had called at ten to say he was coming over to see me at noon, and he had something that could help dad. I'd hoped to nap until then, but now the phone was ringing. I guess it was too much to ask. It stopped as I reached for it, and picking it up, I slid up into a sitting position on the couch.

I rubbed at my burning eyes and didn't look to see who called right away. Instead I let my head fall back against the back of the couch and tried to clear the cobwebs from my mind. I'd barely slept last night, waking up every time dad twitched, worried about whether or not he would think I was mom again. This morning he didn't want to get up, and it took over three hours to get him in the car for work. He finally left and, to my relief, called me when he had gotten there to say he was okay. He sounded okay except for being tired and had asked if I wanted to go get pizza tonight.

I'd told him I had to work, but was glad to hear him offer to do something besides sit on the couch and drink. Once I got off the phone with him, I started to get ready for class, but once I was dressed realized I was too tired to sit there and listen to a two hour lecture on the mating habits of snakes. I was doing well in zoology and could afford to miss the lecture. Since then I had lain on the couch, zoning.

The phone beeped in my hand telling I had a message and when I looked at it my heart leapt. Josh! I sat up and listened to the message.

"Hey, Nicole, it's me. Listen. Last night was...well it sucked. It sucked and I sucked. I acted like a selfish asshole, and well, I want to say I'm sorry. I know you're in class, but I'm heading to work and won't be able to talk until after five. Leave me a message if you want me to call you back." There was a pause then, "I...I do love you, Nicole."

"I love you too," I said out loud.

Feeling like a huge weight had been lifted from me, I called him back and waited for it to go to voicemail.

"Hey, Selfish Asshole, it's the high-strung, defensive bitch from last night. Calling you back to..." I was trying to keep it light, but began to choke up, "I love you too. I...I'm working tonight, but break is at six. Please call me!"

I hung up before I made a fool out of myself by breaking down on a voice message. I put the phone down and wiping at my eyes, smiled. Josh had called. Dad sounded better, and Uncle Ron said he had something to talk about that might make things better. Maybe today would be a turning point. I heard a car door out front, and glancing out saw Uncle Ron getting out of his black BMW and heading up the stairs.

He was dressed in a black suit and had mirrored sunglasses on. With a grin I recalled dad's favorite joke when Uncle was around.

"So you know the difference between a BMW and a porcupine? The Beamer has the pricks on the inside!"

That was the dad I'd grown up with, not the miserable shell of the last few months. Hopefully we could get that back and soon.

I opened the door and Uncle frowned when he saw me, "Damn Nicole, you sleep at all last night?"

"A little." I said as I stepped aside for him to enter. "But that's why I skipped class so I could try to nap a little."

"Hate to see you miss school, but not a bad idea." He walked over and sat in dad's armchair across from the couch. "He got off to work I take it?"

"Over an hour late, but he got there. You want anything?"

"No, I just had an early lunch," he pointed at the couch. "Just relax. Was he okay?"

"Hung over, but seemed himself." I sighed as I flopped onto the couch. "Well, him for these days, quiet and moping." I smiled. "Josh called though."

"Great! See I told you, your mom would be prodding him from where she is. You going to see him tonight?"

"Work." I shrugged. "Maybe tomorrow night if you and aunty can keep dad out of trouble until maybe nine or so? Give me sometime after I get out of work to..."

"Consider it done. But why not go tonight; make it a complete hooky day?"

"I have to work." I curled my knees beneath me on the couch. "I need the money."

"If you need some help, I can..."

"So what did you want to talk about?" I asked, changing the subject.

He grinned. "Stubborn, but with your parents, you didn't have a chance." He nodded towards me. "Your mom sat like that all the time."

"Yeah, no blood test needed."

"It really is uncanny." He pointed at me. "It's not the typical mother-daughter resemblance. It's more like sisters, and close to twins. No surprise your father confuses you with her when he's drunk."

"Oh, it was a surprise the first time." I sighed.

"You avoid him last night?"

"Yes." I lied.

"You lying?"

"Nope."

He frowned then sat back in the chair. "Okay, well, I'll pretend I believe you and just go on to telling you what I came up with."

"Good call." I grinned.

"Honestly, Nicole. It was good I saw your father act like that with you because it made me think of something last night."

"What's that?"

"Well,it's not really my area of expertise, so I talked to a colleague this morning and ran it by her to see if it was a good situation for it and..."

"For what, Uncle?"

"Nicole, have you ever heard of a sexual surrogate?"

I nodded. "Sure. They're hookers who take Blue Cross."

"You're your dad's kid too when you open your mouth." He rolled his eyes. "Seriously, you know what they do?"

"They have sex with guys who can't get it up." I shrugged. "Hookers."

"It's more than that Nicole. A sexual surrogate is a professional who..."

"I go to school with a girl who's a professional," I interrupted. "She advertises on Craig's List. Makes a thousand a week."

"These women are for more than sex. Sex is mental and emotional, not just physical. Yes, they help guys who have ED or for whatever reason have issues being intimate with their spouse. But it's more than the act of sex. It's healing the problem."

"Okay," I told him, "but I don't think my father's problem is he's horny."

I kept it to myself that I had discovered last night he had no issues getting it up. He'd been damn hard, and as gross as it sounded, it hadn't escaped my attention that he wasn't exactly small. I blinked and rubbed my eyes again. Wow. I was getting loopy; that wasn't a normal thought to have. Then again, most fathers didn't stick their daughter's hand in their crotch.

"Not in those terms, but when he thought you were Laura, he wanted to...well, I think it could have gone well-past a kiss."

"He wouldn't..."

"Nicole, it's not about intentionally hurting you. What I'm saying is, I have no doubt that if he continued to see you as your mother, he would have kept going. Of course, in your case that couldn't happen, but..." He raised his finger as if he were teaching a class. "What if there was a woman who would let him keep thinking she was his wife? Let him be with her..."