The 109th Rule of Acquisition

The Ferengi have an instrument called an OoPok. It's a bit like a zither. As a human, I'll probably never be taken seriously as an OoPok musician, but it won't be for lack of trying. I follow all of the traditions of my craft religiously, even if it isn't immediately obvious why every one is important. Why do we whisper the seventh rule of acquisition into the sounding board? Why do we remind the bow how cheaply it might be replaced? Who knows? But I'm sure that my diligence will pay off someday.

At only nineteen, I am known as the greatest human Oopok player ever. Before long their cultural ministry invites me to play on Ferenginar. Of course, as a human woman I'm afforded freedoms that the native females don't enjoy. No one suggests I should go naked. In fact, the capital city is very cosmopolitan and there are a lot of different intelligent species doing business there.

Native females still don't leave the house that often. The few I see are usually modern, liberated types that dress like males. When you see a naked female she's usually with a male escort.

A famous native composer named Lok offers to let me stay at his palace for the duration of the tour for 10% less than what a comparable hotel would charge. Lok tells me that his wife is a hoo-mon like me so they have plenty of Earth food. I'm glad to hear that as I'm not fond of live worms.

I arrive at the front door and meet the family. Lok introduces his children from a previous marriage, and his wife, an athletic, thirty-something Italian woman named Katerina. She's naked. I pretend not to be shocked. We eat an excellent dinner and retire to the garden, where in the midst of a steady downpour we discuss who was the best Ragtime Composer of all time. Lok says Scott Joplin, but Katerina prefers Storek. I say Storek is more clever and inventive, but Joplin is more fun. All the time I'm getting signals from Katerina that she'd like to have sex with me. She keeps touching me affectionately and making slightly off-color jokes and cleverly veiled propositions. Her husband seems oblivious. He excuses himself and goes to bed early, leaving me alone with Katerina.

I finally have the chance to ask her why Lok doesn't let her wear clothes. She should let him know that human women don't let themselves be treated as if they were property. She says it isn't like that at all. Lok respects her right to self determination and she goes naked out of respect for the traditions of her adopted homeland.

Katerina says that her relationship with Lok is mostly platonic, but he likes to watch while she has sex with other women. "Human women?" I ask. "Sometimes," she says. I'm much too weirded out to take her up on it, and anyway, I have space lag.

The next morning she apologizes for coming on so strong. I tell her that I'm actually pretty flattered, and that I hadn't realized until this morning how much the space lag and the constant rain had made me tired and irritable. Actually, now that I've had some sleep I feel very comfortable talking to her. We stay indoors and talk about sex and gender politics and music and how human culture is starting to dominate the entire quadrant, and how much sadder the Federation will be if the less populous species forget their cultural heritage.

I put on an obscenely expensive black gown from Rigel and a shuttle arrives to take me to the concert hall. Katrina assures me that she and Lok will be there.

I'm backstage, preparing my OoPok for the concert in the traditional way. Some modern players think most of these rituals are a waste of time. As long as the Oopok looks and sounds its best, what difference do the rituals make? Where is the profit in whispering the seventh rule of acquisition into its sound chamber? Why bother reminding the bow how cheaply it can be replaced? Even many of the native Oopok players cut corners now and then. Not me.

The preparations are finished, the patrons are all seated and it's time for me to earn my fee. The lights come up. I'm alone on stage with my Oopok, in front of hundreds. Most of them are natives of either sex, but there are plenty of humans in the audience too, as well as a smattering of other species. Lok and Katrina are sitting on the front row, almost close enough to touch. The crowd applauds in the human fashion. I haven't played a note yet, and it is the loudest ovation I've ever received. Lok and Katrina stand and everyone else follows Lok's lead. It is the first standing ovation a human woman has ever received in this hall, and I haven't even started.

I'm glad I decided to perform naked.

It isn't my body they're applauding. Well, maybe Lok and Katrina have ulterior motives, but the other natives are showing their appreciation for the gesture I had made. I'm showing them that I respect their traditions enough to risk the censure of my own people.

I give the best performance of my life. After the show I give a short speech saying that we have much to learn from each other and that the new ways are good but many of the old traditions are worth preserving, yada yada. I don't know how well my words are translated, but my music and my nudity have already said everything worth saying.

After the performance, Lok invites me to a reception at the ministry. I consider putting the dress from Rigel back on, but by now I've realized that I really like being naked. There's a bed in the back of Lok's shuttle. On the way to the reception I have sex with Katrina while Lok watches.

At the reception I meet a lot of native dignitaries. One of them is a brilliant and controversial finance minister named Zalak. Zalak believes that sexual inequality is crippling the planet's economy and stifling innovation. Philosophically he wants to see women gain their freedom, but he's conservative by temperament. He appreciates my dedication to his people's traditions.

Before the year is over, Zalak and I announce our plans to get married. My friends arrive to participate in the ceremony. At first they think I've lost my mind, but when they meet Zalak they realize he's the man of my dreams. I always thought nothing is as sexy as genius, and Zalak is the smartest person I've ever met. I don't ask my friends to attend the ceremony naked. They volunteer.

Every week now, Zalak and Lok get together and have brilliant discussions about the economics of the music industry while they watch Katrina and I have sex.