The Answer To My Problem

"She's been crying like this all night," Jenna sighed. "I feel so helpless."

She was my best friend of years, and I hated when I let her down; but sometimes you just can't fake a smile, right? Sometimes you have to be real. If I had to be real- as I was- Jenna was the friend I trusted most. And the male friend I trusted most was . . .

Benji leaned into me and whispered sympathetically, "What's wrong, beautiful?"

Him. Benji. My crush since before I could remember. Alright, maybe not that long but it sure felt it.

"Everything," I sniffled.

"Well," Benji smiled. "Could you elaborate so that I might possibly understand your plight, fair damsel?"

This forced a small grin onto my face. Alright, a large grin. If I threw myself onto his crotch, I knew I'd feel better. But alas, we're friends, nothing more, and I don't think being weird will help my situation, right? Cause I am hurting and I do need Jenna and Ben right now. Very much.

"Yeah," Jenna frowned. "You've not been yourself for the past week and I'd like to know why! And please, Lee, spare me the 'I'm fine'. I'm your best friend- we're your best friends! We know you're not fine."

"Family, life, this shithole..." I sobbed. "Everything!"

Jenna wrapped me in her arms as I continued to cry, while Benji sat down beside us. "Look, Lee," he frowned. "I want to understand but you're not really giving me much here, kid."

"Benj?" Jenna inquired softly. His eyes met hers and, somehow, they had always understood each other. That's probably why I always said they reminded me of one another, though they weren't related, had never dated, and weren't even the closest of friends. They just had some connection. I was jealous of that, at times; though I loved them both very much.

Benji left the room, Jenna never loosening her grip on me. She ran her hands through my hair and smiled softly. "What's wrong, Lee? I love you, so just tell me what's wrong?"

I nodded. "Do you know that Wednesday is my birthday?" I sobbed. "Five days away. I'm still just as fat as I was last year, still ugly. I have nothing. My family hates me, my-"

"Wait!" she demanded and sat me back up beside her. "You are not ugly, Lilliana. You are gorgeous. You've never been fat a day in your life. On top of all of that, your family loves you very much! What are you talking about?"

"And I have no one," I finished, the tears continuing to course down my cheeks. "I'm not like you, Jen, I don't have a husband, a beautiful house on the lake, two dogs. I have no one to dream of having kids with. I have nothing."

Jenna smiled. I loved her smile. She was beautiful, and my best friend. I never really understood that, but that was Jen. You just loved her. Fuck, her husband was batty over her. Paul. Her husband was Paul. Benji's band mate. That meant I got to sit home like a fat stepsister while Jenna went on tour. Oh sure, I got the phone calls and the road reports and the e-mails. It's all great, but I was still the one sitting at home with no job, no male attention, and a big fat, fucking lame excuse for a family.

"Lee?" Jenna snapped my attention back. "You have a lot to be thankful for; don't tell me you have nothing!"

"What do I have?" I challenged.

Jenna grinned and began tugging her long, black hair from its ponytail. "You have me, for starters! I think I'm pretty fucking cool."

I laughed at this, though it was slight. Fuck her for making me laugh.

"You have Paul! Paul loves you. I mean, I even let him sniff your pudding cups!" Jenna smirked. She erupted into laughter right about the same time I did, and I wanted to smack her. Physically, smack her. Why'd she have to make a joke at a time like this?

"That's not funny," I laughed. "I hate you!"

Jenna nodded her head. "And Joel adores you!"

"I adore Joel," I smiled.

"Chris thinks you're great. Fuck, Chris has been trying to get into your pants since the first day he met you!" Jenna winked.

"I don't like Chris like that," I pointed out with a twisted frown. "I want-"

"Benji," Jenna sighed. "Don't we all know."

"Well, why can't he like me, Jen?" I whined. "Don't answer that, cause I know the answer as well as you do. It's because I'm fat and ugly, and I'm not whatever it is he's looking for."

"A pulse?" Jenna snorted. "You have a pulse, Lee!"

"Whatever!" I snapped and crossed my arms over my chest. "I'll spend this birthday the same as every fucking birthday! I'll be sitting on this bed, eating a fucking Wendy's salad that I had to buy FOR MYSELF and watching cartoons. And you'll be in some strange town in Illinois, with Good Charlotte, partying till you puke!"

"I prefer not to puke, it's not attractive," Jenna quipped with a grin.

"You know what I mean!" I growled. Dammit, I was angry. I was hurt and angry, and I knew this year's birthday would suck. They all fucking suck. Why can't anyone sympathize with me? Let me be right! I know I'm right.

"Lee?" Jenna finally sighed, with a large exhalation. "I love you and I really hate seeing you like this. You do this every year! You get down on yourself, and doom yourself. You're a beautiful girl, Lee. You're very intelligent and you have your entire life ahead of you. Your birthday isn't worth condemning yourself to eternal Hell over. It's just not. Fuck, look at me! I'm eight years older than you and I'm still breathing! Trust me on this one, you will survive to see many more birthdays."

"I didn't write my obituary," I hissed. "I just said I was unhappy."

"Well, what if I knew what would make you happy?" came a familiar voice from the doorway. Fuck! How long had he been listening to us?

Jenna nodded and began to grin. Fuck!

"What if I knew the best thing you could be doing on your birthday this year?" Benji beamed.

"What's that?" I groaned. He was taunting me. For sure.

He shrugged. "Me?"

"BENJI!" Jenna shrieked and nearly fell off the bed. This only made him giggle like the little schoolgirl that he is. God, why do I love this man?

"Happy Birthday, kiddo," he grinned and handed me an envelope. I stared from Benji's blushed, amused expression, to Jenna's expectant eyes.

"Well?" Jenna laughed. "Open the envelope, Lee!"

I did as I was told, and out fell a pile of crap. Confetti. Happy Birthday confetti. Great. This was going to be a banner birthday. Now I can spend the day eating myself into oblivion, watching cartoons, and vacuuming.

"GIRL!" Jenna shrieked, her New York accent evident. "Would you open the damn envelope already?"

Benji nodded as I reached inside and pulled out a piece of plastic. At first, it didn't register to me what that plastic was, because it was upside down. I flipped it over quickly, though, and the emblazoned logo brought recognition to my face. A pass. A laminate. The Queen Mother of all backstage passes. I was going on tour? With Good Charlotte?

"Yes," Benji smiled as he kneeled on the floor beside me. "We know that you get bummed sitting home, and Jenna said that you'd always dreamed of joining her on the road. We were going to invite you out for the shows in February, but that seemed so-"

"Premature?" Jenna shrugged. "It made more sense to wait for the April run and bring you, for your birthday. That way, you'll be with us on your special day and we can throw cake all over you, champagne you, and be totally evil to you IN PERSON!" She erupted into squeals, and so did I. We hugged, climbed to our feet, and began jumping up and down on my bed.

Benji stood up and glared at us, then rolled his eyes. "Girls are so weird!"

We only laughed more.

* * *

"We want to send this one out to someone very special tonight," Benji beamed to the assembled crowd of several thousand screaming fans.

"It's her birthday!" Joel quipped and began doing some strange dance on the drum riser.

Billy and Paul stopped walking back and forth on-stage, and just stood staring at their band mate.

Side-stage, I was laughing my ass off, and so was Jenna. Our friends are freaks, ya know? Total freaks. God, I love them!

"Anyhow," Benji shouted over his band mates. "Tonight is Lilliana's birthday, and we want everyone to help us sing her Happy Birthday. I know you can do it! Make them hear you in Paducah!" The crowd gave a collective sigh. A few girls threw up their middle fingers as they were listening to Benji's dedication and plea for a sing along. Other members of the crowd just played along. They sang, though; because Benji fucking Madden had told them to. They would have tossed their spleens up onstage, had he asked. It was still a nice gesture, and I couldn't help but tear up.

"Happy Birthday, Lee!" Jenna shrieked and grabbed me at the end of the song.

"This one's all you tonight, Lee!" Benji smiled and glanced in our direction. "I know things haven't been all roses, but hang in there kiddo!"

"Yeah, hold on!" Joel echoed his brother's sentiment. "Because we love you."

The band then launched delicately into their current radio smash, "Hold On". It was a song that always held special meaning for me, one I had prayed they would not release as a single. But they had, and that was okay. No radio play, no MTV awards could ever take away what this band and this song meant to me. I balled my eyes out as they played it, though I laughed when Joel accidentally spit on Jenna and she ran backstage screaming, "GROSS COOTIES!"

And I repeat: my friends are all crazy.

She returned long before the end of the set, and we danced like a fools as the boys rocked their last song of the night and then, slowly but surely, exited the stage and ran for their dressing room. We waited patiently for them to dry off, and I just kept wondering to myself why it was I was so ecstatic and yet, still feeling so empty. When Paul's head appeared from their private room to peck at Jenna's cheek, I was reminded why I felt so empty.

I had no one.

Oh sure, I had tons of friends; some of the best friend a girl could have. But I had no one to keep me warm at night. No one to pull the covers over me before bed, and kiss my cheek goodnight. Jenna had Paul, Paul had Jenna. I had someone I wanted, and he didn't want me.

Oh, the conundrums of life.

I snapped back to reality as Jenna began waving her hand in front of my face. "Lee?" she laughed. "Lee, you there?"

I nodded.

"Paul and I are going to go for a walk. Joel said he wants to talk to you, okay? He'll be out in a sec," she smiled, and then pulled me into a hug. "Happy Birthday, hon! Paul and I will give you your gift later on, k?"

I nodded, and watched them disappear hand in hand. They were nuts about each other. I wanted that. Wanted it bad.

"So, you ready?" Joel asked softly as he stepped out of the room and closed the door behind him. I tried to observe him in that moment: the twin to my fantasies and one of my closest friends of the past few years. How was it that I could fall so deafeningly head over heels for his brother, and yet, I felt so much more of a spiritual connection with Joel?

"You okay?" he asked and I nodded slowly. He grabbed my hand and we began to walk down the large, concrete hallways of the coliseum. "I heard you've been kind of down lately, or...That you were, before the shows," he smiled assuringly. "What's up?"

I shrugged. "Lots of things."

"Care to enlighten me?" he smiled, and this was the guy I had trusted my everything to for so many years. I wanted to tell him just then, but most of all, I wanted to be in his hotel room, in my PJs, laying my head in his lap as he channel surfed himself to sleep during a fit of insomnia. I wanted what the past, because it was safe and happy.

I clearly my throat, smiled up at Joel, squeezed his hands in mine, and laughed. "You know I love you, don't you?" He nodded. "And I can't lie to you." He nodded again. "So I'm going to leave it at....life has been very hard lately. I've been down on myself, down on my situation, and down on the future. The past makes sense to me, because I've lived it. The future is boundless and full of mystery, and I hate that."

Joel laughed at this, his complexion blushing and the tips of his ears turning a cherry pink. "I love you, Lee, you know that?"

"Why?" I giggled.

"Because only you could state your problem and solve it, all in one sentence," he smiled. "You're nuts."

* * *

"So, Lee," Benji grinned. "Are you rooming with the studmuffin tonight?" He pointed to himself for emphasis, then continued. "Or you could room with my mutant twin, if that's your thing." Joel made a face that caused Benji and I to erupt into laughter.

"If you want to return home clean and disease free, I suggest you choose my room," Joel winked. This only sent Benji into a great fit of giggles.

"What about my room?" I inquired, already having a damn good guess about what the answer would be.

"Oh, you could go to your room," Benji winked.

"If you want to see Paul and Jenna shoot a porno," Joel winked.

The twins erupted into giggles as I grimaced. "Ewe, why they gotta do that in my hotel room?"

"Probably because I threw them out of my room," Billy quipped as he passed through the open doorway and disappeared into his room. "You're better off! Chris said that he's seen things that have rendered him sterile for life!"

"GROSS!" I shrieked and tossed my hands up in defeat. Alright, so my best friend was married and had a right to fuck her husband; but why did lust always call the two of them together when they were in close proximity to my bed? Fuck that. My clothing is in that room!

"It's her hotel room too," Benji pointed out, as though he were reading my thoughts.

"She probably figured that since Paul rooms with Chris, it made more sense for them to fuck in your room!" Joel added, as though his statement were somehow truly enlightening.

"Why do Paul and Chris room together, by the way?" I inquired, because that was one of the true mysteries of Good Charlotte. The twins each had their own room, Billy had his own room, but Chris and Paul always shared. I never understood that, they certainly weren't hurting for cash.

Joel shrugged. "Logistics?"

"They pocket more per diem that way," Benji stated simply. "They get a bigger paycheck in their pocket if they split a room, versus having their own private room."

I nodded. That made some sort of sense. Somehow.

"So," Benji cleared his throat and smirked. "I repeat: who are you rooming with tonight? Moi or Toadstool?"

"I object to being called a toadstool," Joel called as he disappeared into his adjoining room.

"I object to having shared a womb with you," Benji called back and I snickered. Cruel way to joke.

"I object to all the yelling," Billy hollered and then his door slammed shut.

Benji ran over to the adjoining door and pounded his fist several times. "I object to cranky guitar players who own 127 hamsters!"

Benji and I were in tears of laughter when the door opened, and a very peeved Billy glared in at us. "I do not, nor have I ever owned 127 hamsters. Where the fuck do these people come up with this shit?"

"Potty mouth!" Benji taunted and again began giggling like a schoolgirl.

"Just be glad it's not 127 gerbils!" Joel pointed out as he returned to the room. "Then there'd be rumors about your where you keep your pets!"

Billy turned bright red. "GROSS! Dude, that's so wrong. So wrong. Gross. I'm leaving you now. Good night, Lee. Happy Birthday," he smiled then shut his door slowly.

"Remember, my friend," Benji hollered into the closed door. "Two words: Richard and Gere!"

"Dude," Joel snickered. "That's low."

"I have no idea what he's talking about," I laughed. "But it's gotta be good."

"You don't want to know," Joel winced and shrugged. "You're better off that way. So, any decisions?"

I smiled, sighed deeply and laid back onto the bed. "Yeah, I'm going to stay here, Joely. No offense and I hope you're not hurt."

"Nah," Joel smiled as he kissed leaned forward and kissed my forehead. "I figured you'd choose the Kid over me. No biggie, they all do."

"That's not true," I smiled, wanting Joel to understand that- though he was joking- he wasn't and I knew. "I love you, Joely."

He smiled and bowed his head slowly. "I love you too, Lee. Happy Birthday, kay? Get some sleep, tomorrow's another sold out show."

I nodded, and blew Joel a kiss goodnight as he shut his door softly behind him. When the room had fallen silent, I sat up and met eyes with Benji. He was standing in the door to the bathroom, clad in only his boxers. He smiled, then blushed slightly.

"You know," he offered, stepping into the room and diving onto the bed beside me. "It's gross that you love Joel. Joel is toadstool."

"Oh stop!" I laughed and nudged his brightly inked arm roughly. "You love Joel too, and you know it!"

He grinned like a fool and nodded. His hair was matted to his forehead, and he looked like a little kid in that moment. "I love Joel more than words could ever say."

"I love you for loving Joel," I laughed.

"And I love you for loving me for loving Joel," he quipped, then rolled over onto his back. "Lee, did you ever think about love?"

I rolled onto my back and sighed. "Did I ever?"

"Do you ever?" he corrected himself. In that moment, I wanted to scoop him up into my arms and hold him forever. Sure, he was the poster boy for thousands of wayward teens and he'd been my friend for countless years, but my heart had always skipped beats for that lopsided grin of his. When he'd laugh, I felt my heart flutter and I knew that, for better or worse, I was fooling myself to say that all I ever wanted from Benjamin was friendship. I wanted so much more, and yet, I had lived the past years afraid to make my move. So when he asked if I thought about love, I was unable to process thoughts.

"Lee?," he sighed, so close to my skin that my IQ points began to drop rapidly. His breath was on my right ear now.

"Yeah, Ben?" I smiled. Tried to get my IQ points back up to par.

"Have you ever thought about me?," he asked, his face becoming very serious, sucking his pierced bottom lip between his teeth in a pondering frown.

I shook my head, slowly. "What, exactly, are you asking me, Ben?"

He grinned and rolled back onto his back, beside me. "I think about you a lot, Lee. I meet a lot of girls, and none of them...are you."

I laughed at this, and raised up onto my elbow to gaze down at his sensual brown eyes. "Of course they're not, dumbass!"

He laughed at this, and placed his right hand across his tattooed chest. "What I mean is that, I love you, Lee. I love what you have to say, and hearing about your life. I love that you'll take on a Rancid pit with me, and the next day, go to the dog park and have just as much fun."

"Ben," I couldn't help but snort. "I hate dogs!"

Benji laughed at this, then moved his legs across the bottom of the bed. "You know what I mean. Besides, you like Cash!"

"Do I have a choice?" I grinned. "You take that stupid dog everywhere with you!"

"See!" he laughed. "You can diss me, and make it fun! You can laugh at me, and make it feel like you're laughing with me. When I start to get an ego, you're there to backhand me and bring me back to reality. You're just always there, Lee."

"I'm stalking you," I snorted and removed my Dickies and tossed them over the back of a chair. "You might not have realized, but I'm stalking you."

"I like you stalking me," he blushed. "I like you, Lee."

"Ben, you're crazy," I laughed as I climbed under the covers and turned to face him again. "Totally bonkers, in fact."

"Lee, I'm being very serious here. In fact, let me ask you a question. Have you ever been sitting alone, on a rainy day, staring out your window, wondering where I am, what I'm doing, who I'm with. Maybe you think of memories from the past, at first; then you start to dream about the future. Somewhere in there, it turns sensual, and maybe your mind starts to think about the curves of my body, my skin on yours, my lips touching yours..."