tagHumor & SatireThe Bitter Pill Ch. 02

The Bitter Pill Ch. 02

byeightballbum©

Old court room doors squeak. Although Evie SinClear tried to sneak into the family court of Judge Richard Carmack the noise actually seemed deafening. Mark Straitners ears perked up when he heard the squeak. It was no surprise to him that she would show up to support her friend DeeDee. Taking a seat towards the middle of the near empty courtroom Evie placed her tacky plastic purse on the chair next to her. It was evident from the bags under her eyes that she'd slept little in the last several weeks.

"All rise, court is now is session." Announced the now bored bailiff.

Judge Carmack still had muffin crumbs on his cheeks as he took his seat on the bench.

"Welcome back everyone. Counselor is this going to take longer than half an hour?"

Plaintiffs counsel Sally Forth-Width looking up from her notes said "I don't believe so your honor."

"Very well let the games begin. Mrs Straitner you make take your place on the stand."

With that, the now composed Dee Dee Straitner, plaintiff in Straitner vs Straitner ambled her way over to the witness stand. Her eyes were full of purpose and her posture inflated as she situated herself on the stand. The smell of stale tobacco could be smelt as far away as next Thursday.

Sally grabbed her note pad and approached DeeDee placing her half glasses above her forehead and into her bleached blonde hair. "Mrs. Straitner do you consider yourself to be an alcoholic?"

"To be honest with you I do not."

"And do you believe that you are an abusive person?"

"To be honest with you I do not."

"Then let us hear your side of the story. If you have a disagreement with your husbands testimony feel free to elaborate and give the court your version."

"To be honest with you I disagree totally with how Mark has characterized me. I am just not that person at all. Ask any of my five friends and they will tell you."

Sally motioned over to the defendants table to see if Tom McCloud had any objections. "Tom do you have any questions." Tom rose from his seated position but stayed behind the desk. "Mrs. Straitner have you ever been to magicians school?"

"No I have not."

"Then perhaps you can explain to the court how you made all that wine disappear."

DeeDee just glared for a moment then glanced back to Sally searching for help.

Sally looked to the judge and exclaimed "Objection you honor. Leading question and rather crass at that."

"Sustained. Counselor lets keep the courts decorum if you please. Witness does not have to answer that question."

Tom snickered a little then referred back to his note pad. "Mrs. Straitner would you explain for the court your relationship with Evie SinClear."

"To be honest with you, we are just friends nothing more."

"And then am I to assume that the video you made and sent to your husband titled Nipple Golf was just something that two friends normally do?"

"OK that may have been a bit of a stretch, but people shouldn't read anything into that. It was a one time thing."

"And when your son-in-law, a law enforcement officer found a double ended vibrating dildo in your luggage on a recent visit" Tom paused for effect. "That also was a bit of a stretch and people shouldn't read anything into it?"

"Exactly. That was in our luggage as a joke. We knew all along he would poke through our luggage. We just placed that in there for fun. A novelty is all it is. We certainly wouldn't use it."

"And what was your reaction when upon finding the double ended vibrating dildo you and miss SinClear were thrown out of your son-in-laws house."

"Anger pure and simple. He had no authority to ask us to leave. Were were there to support my daughter and he had no right. We were guests. We were cooking and cleaning and running errands in support of my daughter. He even stole my car for a few hours. He had no right to do any of those things."

Tom took a quick step to the side of the desk and headed out more towards DeeDee. "Mrs. Straitner did it ever once occur to you or Ms. SinClear that these actions might cause some embarrassment to your husband or even your daughter?"

"My daughter never found out about the sex toys and as for Mark he always seemed to like it before."

"I see. Mark enjoyed it eh? Did I hear you correctly when you put sex toys in the plural context?"

"I ah. I ah. To be perfectly honest with you I ah. The double ended vibrating dildo is actually several toys in one. Adjustable, detachable, and multi speed. Several toys in one. Yeah, that's what I meant."

"Mrs. Straitner I'm going to leave this line of questioning for a moment so bear with me OK. Mark tells me that you are a very proficient on-line game player. Could you explain that for the court please.

"Well I don't see the point in bothering the courts time with this, but yes I am rather proud of my accomplishments on a certain popular gaming site. I have over 6 billion points and 735 badges. Also, I've managed to keep five farms going all at the same time and still have plenty of eggs left over to give to my friends."

Judge Carmacks jaw dropped. He was suddenly and totally lost by the woman's testimony. As his expression turned from confusion to recognition, the jaw worked its way back to its usual position even taking on a bit of a grin. He jotted down a note before placing an errant paperclip on the end of his pencil and then began a twirling motion. When the paperclip slipped off and fell on the floor at Tom's feet, he then placed the pencil down and returned his attention to DeeDees testimony.

"And I am to assume that all those points and eggs are somewhat of an accomplishment?"

"Let me put it this way, only four gamers in the world have more points than me."

"Wow, all those points and still consumed two bottles of wine a night." Tom stated.

"Yep. All that wine never bothered me at all. See"

It wasn't until Sally Forth-Widths head hit the plaintiffs table that DeeDee realized what she had admitted to under oath. At first it seemed like a flash of anger, then a sudden and subtle biting of her lower lip. But the time had passed. It was in record. There were no objections made. It became a part of history.

And so it ended. This excersise in futility. A judge who listened but didn't care. Lawyers that collected their wages and went down to the corner bar to rub elbows with the rest of their ilk. A bailiff that was one day closer to retirement. Mark and DeeDee divorced. Neither one got what they wanted but still told all of their friends they did.

Authors note. The term bitter pill is used in corporate take overs. A company not wishing to be the victim of a hostile takeover will often times adopt a "bitter pill" such as an underfunded retirement plan for their employees. It keeps the wolves away from the door

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