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Heaving, gasping at the night air he stayed inside her a few moments. Thoroughly enjoying the feel of her muscles clenching every so often in the wake of her release. With his head resting atop hers in the darkness he caught his breath and looked back towards the distant lights of the ball. Suddenly realizing he was lost to this woman...
- COMMENTS
Anonymousover 11 years agoGood story.
But you are in much need of an editor, my dear friend.
Find an editor friend that can help you fix all the fragments. More than half of your sentences are not actual sentences.
With that help, this story would be wonderful(:
Anonymousalmost 12 years agoI also think this is similar to rouseabout.... Red dress... 2 mates one a red head.....
Aussie_gritsalmost 12 years agoAuthorHey y'all,
I'd just like to thankyou all for taking the time to read my short piece. Yes it is my first story :) and I greatly appreciate those who took the time not only to read but to comment or vote. All comments have been taken on board and I'm now excited about my next piece. I will not be continuing with this story, but I am in the process of working on my next story. (with an appropriate glossary for those not familiar with bns balls, utes, boots and roots lol)
The roustabout is one of my fav books, racheal treasure is a great writer (should I be flattered or offended lol) but with over 50 bns balls running in Australia I guess the theme is similar. My story however is based on the Finley rice strippers bns ball, and written from actual events :)
Thankyou all, I hope you enjoy my next submission also :)
Anonymousalmost 12 years agoHad to throw in my own two cents. I loved the story! Though it would probably helped non-Aussies had you explained what a bns was (but the above comment about google is a good point). Looking forward to your next submission.
Ps. I don't see a strong resemblance to the roustabout. The only similarity I can see is that it takes place at a bns ball, heaven forbid two (or more) authors use a similar theme/setting. Guess someone should tell twilight and true blood that they've ripped eachother off :) I hope you plan to write another Aussie_grits, shall be waiting with bated breath
Anonymousalmost 12 years agoLovely story but can't help but notice the similarities between it and the book the Rouseabout....
