The Boyfriend

Author's Note: There is special formatting representing an online dialogue and email messages below. The special formatting is in italics and is preceded by '>>'.

The Boyfriend

[Chapter 1]

I needed a break. A break from the mundane, from the everyday, and yes, the responsibility. I love my baby girls, well, they aren't babies anymore, to death, but being a single mom 24/7, 24/7, 24/7, week in and week out without hardly a break or a late night adult conversation, or dare I say more, is maddening. I love my life, but when I'm honest with myself, it isn't what I thought my life was going to be. But, it is what it is, and I came to the conclusion a few months ago that I need to break out of the every day conservative routine I've been in, and start living a little. Get a little crazy. Hey, I don't have to tell anybody how crazy.

So, I signed up on Match.com again, a not too crazy dating web-site. Match has been great for me. I've been on there for several stints over the past few years and have met some of the most wonderful people anybody could ever hope to meet. So now, I'm looking for something really specific, and hopefully really simple.

I want a smart, funny, sexy boyfriend. That's it. No strings, no long-term anything (though it's not out of the question, of course) just a nice connection, great chemistry, and a temporary period of exclusivity.

My old handle 'truelove1967' isn't really reflective of my new objective so I put in for a change. I'm kind of proud of my new handle, Overdu; as in overdue for some passion in my life; and I am.

Turn Ons? How about Boldness / Assertiveness, Brainiacs, Candlelight, Flirting, Power, Thunderstorms, and Skinny dipping.

Turn-offs: Sarcasm. Why don't guys get that?

Have kids? Well, I'd prefer not, but I guess let's cast a wide net and see what we catch.

Discreet Relationship? Weird question. I'm pretty sure I'm not interested in a married guy, but discreet can also mean casual, right? I am just focusing on the now.

I finished filling out the questionnaire...Now, onto the profile.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

>> I'm a fit professional that enjoys the outdoors, movies, dining out, reading,

>> and travel, especially weekend trips to another town. I think I am overdue

>> for a steaming hot, passionate romance, and friendship.

>>

>> I want a smart, funny, sexy boyfriend. That's it. No strings, no long-term anything

>> (though it's not out of the question, of course) just a nice connection, great chemistry,

>> and a temporary period of exclusivity.

>>

>> Have you ever known such a reasonable woman?

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Post!!!!

[Chapter 2]

Ding, Ding, Ding. If I could get a quarter for each response I could make some serious money. I received well over one hundred responses to my personal ad in a matter of days. I was fishing for a no-strings boyfriend and it was like I threw chum in the middle of a pool of sharks. It looks like there is no end to the number of gentlemen, and not so gentlemanly males, that would be happy to accommodate me. Old ones, young ones, tall, short, athletic, and not so athletic.

The responses fell broadly into two categories: First the caring, sensual, and sensitive man persona which includes guys who 'have serious intentions, but really liked my honesty'; ummmm, yeah. Then, there is the sex god whose only interest is to make sure I climax; and I'm having just as hard a time believing that.

Some guys had the audacity to send me explicit pictures of their body. OK, not their entire body. Why did I not expect that? Does that actually get some women excited? I want to send back a note asking if the picture was 'actual size'.

Delete, delete, delete, delete, delete, delete. And there it was, the one response that stood out. I hadn't even read the note, just opened the attachment to see what he looked like and it opened up Microsoft Word. It was a text file; a story. The title: 'The Boyfriend'. This man sent me a short story starring me, and my fantasy relationship.

I'm a little taken aback by the effort this guy put into this story. How long did he spend on this thing. Of course, I'm flattered. How many people could he have possibly spent so much time, just to make a first impression? But, what if he's some kind of weird obsessive stalker type?

I am also intrigued. Instead of introducing himself and trying to cast himself as the caring, sensual, and sensitive type he shined a light on his imagination and the intensity of his personality through the telling of his story, or my story that is. His name is Stan; or at least that's the first part of his handle.

I clicked on his profile.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

>> Wanna walk, run, blade or golf?

>>

>> Height: 5'9"

>> Body Type: Athletic

>> Status: Divorced

>> Age: 42

>>

>> Looking for an athletic/fit female for walks, runs, blading, or golf.

>>
>> I just moved into a house near Lake Nokomis. I've been spending

>> all of my time fixing it up, and exercising around the lakes. If you exercise in and

>> around Nokomis say hi and we'll go for a walk, a run, a ride, a blade; you name it.
>>
>> I'm also learning to Salsa dance. A recent tip... "Try to get in sync with the music."

>> Ummm ... thanks.
>>
>> I have two stunningly cute daughters who have taught this introvert so many things

>> like ... saying I love you everyday won't actually kill you.

>>

>> Someone stumped me the other day when they asked me: What do you do for fun?

>> I said...I run, walk the lakes, blade. And they said..."No, I mean for fun."

>> 'I work on my house. Design new ways to redo my kitchen, master bath, or the living

>> room.' And she said. "No, I mean for fun."

>>
>>Then, I was stumped. WHO ACTUALLY HAS TIME TO HAVE FUN?

>> I'm busy doing stuff.

>>

>> So, probably the most fun I have is 'having leisurely conversation'. Although, it may

>> also be animated, challenging, philosophical, layered with inuendo, intense,

>> flirtatious, loud, full of swear words, empathetic, drawing tears, and/or about

>> absolutely nothing.
>>
>>The second most fun I have is to write witty, flirtatious, silly, and outrageous

>> emails...which invariably go unanswered. I'm not totally sure, but I think I must

>> scare people.

>>

>> The third most fun I have ... never mind ... no it's not what you are thinking,

>> but probably just as disturbing.
>>
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Hmmm, I'm certainly athletic, but I didn't exactly say that I wanted to work out all the time; he sounds like a bit of a fitness freak. Perhaps, like all of the others, the no-strings caught his fancy? Do guys have a fancy?

Accch. He has two kids. I wasn't sure if I wanted a guy with kids and I'm even less sure now. It's hard enough for me to get away for a little while, but coordinating two schedules can be a bear.

I do like his sensitivity, or I should say seeming sensitivity. Talking about how his girls have opened new doors and admitting that he struggled with I love you's takes some guts. If that's true, I bet he struggled with hugs and other affection. Now that I think about it, he's probably making a broader statement about his ability to exhibit affection. Formerly standoffish Mr. Stan? But now there's a whole new you? Interesting parallel in the name.

So, the most fun he has is 'having leisurely conversation' ehhh? I guess I did say in my profile that I really love nothing more than talking with smart, funny people. He wouldn't have customized his profile just to snare me would he?

And the second most fun is flirtatious and outrageous emails? Well, I'll give him that. Although I'd say the emails with the suggestive statements and the X-rated body parts are also outrageous in an incredibly unoriginal way.

Over the next couple of days I found myself drawn back to the story he sent again and again. I'd be at work and pull up the copy I had emailed myself. I'd be at home online and instead of looking through more profiles of the 'sensitive' guys I'd bring up the story and read parts again and again.

I knew I got something bad when I printed it out and carried it with me.

I couldn't put my finger on my fascination with it. It's not like he nailed who I am and my life; how could he from a half-dozen concise and precise sentences in my profile. And, it's not like he was a really beautiful writer. His prose was fair, but a little too linear and lacked the flowery detail and ability to tap my emotions that I prefer in my favorite authors, as well as, frankly me; I'm an author and writer myself after all. His sentence structure is awkward, and his overuse of semi-colons and quotes is a bit maddening. I should talk to him just to straighten out his writing. I found myself fixing the errors and sprucing up the dialogue.

I'd guess he probably always fantasized about being a writer but then ended up in a very different profession. Is he a laborer, an executive, an engineer, or a full-time loser? Probably not the first or the last, there's sophistication in the way he thinks that says "I have a job and it's not pouring cement." Not that there's anything wrong with that. I smiled, remembering the Jerry Seinfeld line. Of course that made me remember that part in his profile that said we could talk about 'absolutely nothing'. Another Seinfeld fan perhaps?

I kept coming back to asking myself the question: Why did he end the story after our first meeting? And, why did he have me coming on to him in such a tawdry way? I would think that a guy that thinks he's so smart would want to show how sensitive and caring he is. Instead, he stops after one of the strangest 'conversations' in a coffee shop ever and turns my whole 'relationship' into a cheap fling.

Maybe I should write the next chapter and get the thing back on track? My track.

In my mind, and my mind is working overtime...writing a more indepth, and real relationship could be fun, eroticly charged, inventive, and a titilating experience in and of itself. And, it could be a great way to learn more about this guy. Accch! This thing is in my head.

Time to make contact. The first email from me to him in his story was much too fawning and complimentary. Mr. Stan may be creative, but it's pretty clear he's not short on ego. Time to make this real for him.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

>> To: Stan97

>> From: Overdu

>>

>> Subject: Hi.

>>

>> Thanks for taking the time to write the story you shared with me...starring...

>> me and my no-strings fantasy relationship. I'm flattered. Most of the letters I get are either:

>> 'Look at me I'm caring and sensitive' or 'You want me. I'll blow you away in bed.'

>> Your letter said "I want your mind too!"

>>

>> Well, to be honest, since you didn't finish what you started, I'm left more than

>> a little unsatisfied. Is that what I can expect from you in all things?

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I was pleased with myself. I acknowledged that he was different than the pack, but my teasing comment at the end is telling him not to get too full of himself; he's still going to have to show me more.

[Chapter 3]

Over the next three days I checked my e-mail something like forty or fifty times. It kind of felt like sitting by the phone only worse. When you are sitting by the phone you can read a book, a magazine, or watch TV. When you are going on line and checking your email you really aren't doing anything else. It's taking up the front part of your brain. I longed for the typical movie scenario where the computer talks to you and says beetly-beep "You've got mail!"

I have to keep logging on and checking, logging on and checking, logging on and checking. I started to get paranoid that the network geeks where I work will bust me for using the computer for personal use.

It's not like I wasn't receiving e-mail. I was still getting a steady stream of e-mails from the same cardboard cut-out 'caring and sensitive guys' that really want to fuck me or egomaniac Don Juans that will show me a great time (wink). Delete. Delete. Delete. Delete. Delete. Delete.

Beetley-beep. "You've got mail." Did I hear that or did it just go off in my head? My heart didn't stop...it ran...full speed. The rush of adrenaline was like the time I did speed in college. Sensors were on high alert. Maybe I can't hear my heart but I can definitely feel it pounding through my chest.

Silly! It's just an e-mail. From a guy you know is trying to manipulate you, and get you into bed. Don't get so caught up in it. It's just a game.

I opened the note.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

>> To: Overdu

>> From: Stan97

>>

>> Subject: Were you really left unsatisfied or voraciously desiring MORE?

>> There's a distinction.

>>

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

No body to the note? That's it?

[Chapter 4]

I was pissed. OK, maybe pissed is too strong. But, I was annoyed. I wasted three days, waited countless hours logging on, for 12 cocky words? Hell, I didn't go out that first night, Friday night, thinking he'd write back right away. What am I, 15?

I searched for him on the site. I had looked for him over the past 3 days and it seemed he was never online. Now he is online, or at least he's letting me see that he's online. Would he be that manipulative that he'd block me from seeing him just to mess with my head?

Oh my! I'm coming up with stories. I thought I was over all that story building. Why did I do all that counseling during and after the divorce? A lot of good it did me. I've had two e-mails, from clearly a strong personality, and I'm already attributing all kinds of manipulative and nefarious motives to his actions.

I got my head back in the game. He had the little Instant Messenger icon by his name meaning he was in the chat room, but there was no "I'm chatting" indicator. Is he just waiting for me? Big sigh. There I go again.

I clicked on the IM icon and the instant messenger chat box popped up indicating I was requesting to chat with him. I waited. And waited. And waited. How long do I wait? Damn, it's already been too long. I'm showing him that he's got me. Does he?

Is that bastard just sitting their laughing about how he's reeled me in and he's going to let out some line and play with me some more?

>> Stan97: Hi

>> Stan97: I hope you haven't been waiting long. I was in the shower.

Yeah, right. Painting a visualization in my brain. Did the geek take a couple of neural linguistic programming psychology classes and now he uses it transparently to seduce women?

>> Overdu: It was a few minutes. I used the time to answer some of my mail.

She shoots...she scores!!! I was very satisfied with myself.

>> Stan97: How many did you actually ANSWER versus DELETE?

>> Overdu: A few. There are a lot of men out there.

>> Stan97: So, there ARE a few good men? I've been wondering.

>> Overdu: A few.

>> Stan97: How can you tell? Do you just go on LOOKS or can they capture your interest in the way they ENGAGE you?

Trapped! Just tell it like it is girl.

>> Overdu: I kind of have an expectation of being with an attractive guy. But, if they are just crude and rude that's not gonna fly.

No response.

>> Overdu: You don't have a picture online. Do you want to share a picture with me?

>> Stan97: I can.

Long pause.

>> Overdu: Are you uploading it?

>> Stan97: Nope. Not yet.

Need a new topic.

>> Overdu: I thought you were only interested in workout fanatics. Sure, I workout, but probably not at your level.

>> Stan97: Your ad stood out from the crowd. It was UNIQUE. I want a smart, funny, sexy boyfriend. That's it. No strings, no long-term anything."I thought 'COOL', somebody that knows that the beginning part of any relationship is fraught with so many pitfalls about what the other person wants and comparisons to all of their baggage...let's fast forward past the jousting and checklists and let's HAVE FUN and we'll find out if we have more going on along the way.

Waiting.

He capitalizes words that he wants to emphasize. I hadn't noticed that before. I don't think I've ever seen anybody do that online. I can almost hear the cadence of his speech and the passion embedded in the emphasis of his words.

I reread what he wrote. Yes, VERY COOL!

>> Overdu: Are you uploading that picture yet.

>> Stan97: Nope.

This guy can be maddening. Is he going to upload it or not? He keeps making me chase him.

>> Overdu: Are you playing with me?

>> Stan97: Yup.

Pause.

>> Stan97: Would you like to meet for coffee?

>> Overdu: How did I know you were going to ask me that?

>> Stan97: Foreshadowing?

Pause.

>> Stan97: You're thinking, but I don't even know what he looks like.

>> Overdu: How'd you guess?

>> Stan97: I'm 5'9", 162lbs. I'd say I'm athletic/fit, not muscular. I've lost 25lbs in the last year, 5 inches in my waist, getting down to a pretty respectable 32 inch waist.

>> Stan97: I've been lifting weights recently and put on about 5lbs or more of muscle in my upper body and I'm pretty pleased with how I look, but I could look better.

>> Stan97: People tell me I've got a nice smile, and that I should smile more often. I also have a mischievous smile that I reserve for special people.

>> Stan97: Finally, I don't think I'm particularly photogenic. I look better in person.

>> Overdu: So, you aren't going to send me your picture?

>> Stan97: I didn't say that.

>> Stan97: Would you like to meet for coffee?

>> Overdu: I don't really feel comfortable meeting a man that I don't know without leaving behind some kind of evidence as to who you are, you know, in case I disappear.

Pause.

>> Stan97: You can leave yourself an email with my handle and the Match.com web-site and when you turn up missing the FBI will be able to trace my TCP-IP address back to my typical locations in a matter of minutes.