The Courtship Road

"You little bastard! This is it for you, an' no more of your fucking fairy dancing."

It looked like he was going to charge me like a bull. Well, I figured I might as well wave a red flag and end it now.

"Come on, dick lick. Everybody know you're the Fat Fairy Fucker in this town! I'm right here. Come on! Shove some butter between the cheeks of your lard ass so you can move! They tell me your ass takes more cock in a week than your mother's cunt in a year! Think you can hit this?"

I leaned forward pointing to my chin. That ignited him! He roared leaned low for traction and ran full at me with arms and fists wind milling. Mustering my courage, I resolved to take the hits and go down.

"Come on you Queer meat. I'm right..."

My courage failed me when he was upon me. I dropped to the ground instinctively tucking into a ball.

As I collapsed, his fist literally parted my hair. My right shoulder took a hit as his shin slammed into me. A foot hit a glancing blow to my head sliding painfully across my ear. Asshole sailed right over me, his momentum barely checked, but now in a horizontal dive. Had he been less drunk, and not reaching down for me as he passed harmlessly overhead, he might have saved his head from the impact.

The potted plant neither slowed nor cushioned him as he slammed into the steel column right behind it. The sound was that of a hollow gourd hitting a rock, followed by his ass and legs landing on top of me.

Under him was my worst nightmare! As I frantically struggled to get to my feet, the local barroom warrior lay still. Seeing the wrong one emerge, the crowd let out a feeble cheer. They certainly could have been more enthusiastic, even if it was the home team that flopped.

I viewed the crushed plastic plant, Mike's face resting in the dusty plastic moss around the pot. A few faded plastic leaves fluttering down on him. Blood trickled down his forehead into his eye as some more dribbled out of his nose. I hoped he was merely knocked out and not dead.

Fortunately or not, he was neither. He stirred himself without moving much. Opening at least the eye I could see, he roared, "I'll fucking kill you!"

He should know better than to threaten someone when you're lying on your stomach with your back to the subject of your intent. I was circling to find a spot to deliver a couple of good kicks when he conveniently hoisted himself to his hands and knees giving me a clear shot. A place kick to his balls got a bellow out of him before he curled up and passed out. I gave him another hard kick to the ribs and heard something crack.

He wasn't moving, at least for the moment. The crowd was silent. It was then that Jane stepped forward from the crowd.

"You're my hero! You're the winner, and to the winner go the spoils!"

Where the hell did she read that? She means she's the spoils, or she's spoiled, despoiled...the ruined...Shit, I'm thinking too much again.

"You're wrong, Jane. No winners here, just losers. You, me, him, we all have less now than we had a bit ago."

"No, no, no! John, you won. You're the warrior who fought for me and you won me!"

Fucking drivel, I thought. I spotted a couple of the grooms.

"Ahh, Brian, Jordan, You guys played football, didn't you?"

"Of course. What of it?"

"Then you probably got some training in head trauma. Mike needs some medical help. He very likely has a concussion and some broken ribs. You need to get him to the hospital!"

"Geez, John, we had a lot to drink"

"Jane, you're sober enough to drive. You go with them. Brian, get Mike's keys out of his pocket."

"John, I go with you, the winner!"

"Yah, Hon, you said that before, but right now Mike needs your help more than I do. As your actions resulted in his current problems, your actions are gonna help fix the problems. I'll catch up with you later."

I was thinking like maybe never. Never could work for me.

It took four men to carry him out. Frankly, I wanted nothing to do with her fuck her and the horse she rode in on. She headed off with Mike, Gus the groom and two others in the red ump sprung rolling wreck of a Dodge Neon. I said goodbye to Siobhan, expressed my regret for the finale, and headed back to the motel. Oddly Siobhan didn't say much, I shudder to think that this sort of thing was expected or acceptable at parties. I'm glad to leave all this behind my exhaust pipe.

I showered and shaved, collected my stuff in the bag they leave for laundry, and packed her shit into the suitcase. I shut my phone off and closed out the bill. I told the clerk that Jane would come by later and for him to give her a key. I drove home to Wilmington, stranding her in her own home town.

I've always liked driving at night. There's not much traffic, almost no cops, and you can really fly. But tonight I drove sort of legal, cruise control set at ten miles over the speed limit. Well, it was a fun relationship while it lasted. I never saw the blood lust side of her.

I was bone weary, starting to feel the aches and pain from the fight. I bolted the door and slept till noon. When I got up, I saw she had called twice, once at 2 AM and once at 9:45 AM. The wedding was from ten to eleven, followed by the reception at a church. I left the doors bolted from the inside and climbed out through the kitchen window, as she had a key to the front door.

Jane and her cousin were on the porch when I got back at 7 PM. She was livid!

"You son of a bitch! Why did you cut out on me? You left me back in that God forsak..."

She stopped realizing her cousin still lived up in Woodchuckville, where the definition of a 14 year old virgin was a girl that could run faster than her brothers.

"...back home. You made me go the hospital with them, and if Mike hadn't been so drugged up, I'd have had to fight him off."

"Sorry about that, but why would you fight him off? You certainly welcomed his pawing earlier. He squeezed your tits and displayed your naked ass for everyone's entertainment. Weren't fighting him off then, were you? I didn't think it would be an onerous task for you to comfort him in his time of need as you so clearly enjoyed his attentions earlier.

"So, no sex from Big Mike? Did you at least get your underpants back from him?"

"How could you think that? Of course, I didn't have sex with Mike."

"Well, you can get them back next time you see him. Ahh...do I remember correctly you said 'to the winner goes the spoils' meaning I was the winner, and you were the spoiled?"

"Sure, but spoils means like the treasure won by the winner."

"Oh, like the winner in war gets to take the loser's gold, land, women. That sort of thing?"

"Right. You get to take me!"

"Well, that means that by defeating him, I could take you from him. But only if you belonged to him to begin with, right? I thought you were mine to begin with, so how does that work?"

"John, just stop with the clever shit. It was a figure of speech. I didn't mean it so literally."

"You're probably right. You thought two men fought each other over you, and you naturally wanted to give yourself to the winner?"

"Well, sure, as long as you were the winner."

"And what if I was the loser? What then?"

"You weren't, were you?"

"No fucking thanks to you on that. You caused the fight, leading him on in a shameless, public exhibition of slut lust. I have some pictures of it on my phone to prove that. I'll send them to you if you like."

She winced when I called her actions slut lust, but I'm not sure she was following what else I was saying because she had a puzzled look on her face.

"I lost all respect for you right then and there. He attacked me and tried his best to beat the shit out of me, and damn near did! , and I was desperately trying to avoid it. I liked my body to much to get it broken over some dumb shit like this. At that point, other than me asking, no, imploring you to get the bartender and his baseball bat, I hadn't a thought for you...or for that matter, as I now realize, you had no thought for me."

"That's not true, John I was horrified, but I couldn't move!"

"As it happened, to the surprise of the audience, he went down and I was the one who walked away from the fight. And from you as well. So, okay, Jane, I won your affections and your sexual loyalty. They belong to me. You're mine. Have I got that right?"

"Absolutely, John. I'm still really pissed at you leaving me back at home, but I can get by that. I'm yours."

"Good. Now hear this. While I am vicious, valiant and victorious in battle, I am merciful to my enemies."

She started a happy smile thinking all was forgiven.

"And to the vanquished, I hereby, before this witness, cousin Regina, do give you, Jane, to Big Mike whom I bested in single combat."

"What? What are you telling me? What's this valiant stuff?"

"Just being eloquent. In plain English, I am giving you to him. He can fuck you all he wants, whenever and wherever he wants, for all I give a shit. To paraphrase the polka lyrics, 'I don't want you! He can have you! You're a slut to me!' You and Regina can collect your shit and get it out tonight, or I'll bring it all up to your mom's house next weekend."

"You can't throw me out! I don't have anywhere to go! I have work tomorrow."

"Not my problem, I didn't know or care where or with whom you slept with last night. I don't care where you're going nor do I care who you're sleeping with tonight. I'll tell you again, it won't be with me."

"Open that door, John, and let me in. I live here. Now!"

I opened the door, slipped through, and closed it behind me, shouting through the door:

"Nope! I gave you to Mike. Tell you what. You're making a scene and disturbing the neighbors. Go away, I'll pack some boxes and leave them on the porch when I get home tomorrow. When you get settled some place, I'll deliver whatever's left."

"You son of a bitch! I didn't have sex with Mike, I don't even like that idiot. I love you! You love me! We're a couple!"

"Jane, that was before the wedding. I saw you in your element, and I'm telling you, I'm at the other end of the periodic chart. I didn't like what I saw, to say nothing of damn near getting killed as a result of your bad judgment. It's not going to happen to me again. Look, I'll compromise here. I'm out of here, going jogging, and it'll take me an hour. You go get what clothing you need for the week. Just be gone when I get back."

I started at a good lope listening to her fuming in the distance. You're wondering did she cry, beg and plead for me to take her back? No. She was at least smarter than that. She e-mailed me to arrange to pick up her stuff. I had carefully packed and boxed it before setting it just inside the front door.

It was a long week. I missed her and was having second thoughts. Work was mostly uneventful. Well then Janie came to me all upset about something Kathy Kotab did. That was unusual as they got along quite well, I thought. Kathy's a long time employee and Janie's boss.

Kathy had written her up for not doing what she was told, and apparently there had been a lot of drama. Kathy told Janie to run the dough mixer. Janie refused because she's not allowed to use power equipment like slicers, saws and the mixers. But Janie has speech troubles, especially when she's upset, and Kathy didn't understand what Janie was trying to say.

It took a while, but finally Janie agreed that if Miss Keota were to apologize for getting upset and forgetting what Janie was allowed to do she would forgive her. Kathy had gone home at that point, and I didn't want Janie to carry this over night so I called her. When Kathy realized what the problem was, she was mortified.

"John, I am so sorry! Janie could have gotten hurt! Thank God, she had the good sense to refuse! It was my stupidity! Oh, I'm so sorry! Let me talk to her. Oh, the poor woman."

I handed the phone over to Janie. They made up and forgave each other.

That evening I was sitting on the front steps, reading Fine Woodworking and looked up to see Jane standing in front of me. She did look lovely in a simple blouse and skirt, sandals. She had nice feet and legs. She was a good looking woman. Shit, more drama, just what I needed.

"John, I can't believe those photos you sent of me! I had no recollection of doing any of that."

"Well, I suppose I'll remember it well enough for both of us. I dumped my copy of the photos, just so you know. They're nothing I want to look at."

"John, I want you to give me and give us another chance. I really didn't appreciate what I was doing that night, but I do now. John, I am so sorry! You could have gotten badly hurt! Thank God, you weren't. It was my stupidity."

She was unknowingly echoed Kathy Kotab's words. And she was right. Neither woman listened when someone was alarmed. Both could have gotten someone injured. Neither one intended or imagined that their actions could lead to a really bad thing. And Janie, poor Janie found the strength to forgive. And I can't?

"You've got someone else to apologize to as well."

There was a puzzled look on her face, Oh! I already did to Siobhan and Gus. They were cool!

"I mean Mike?"

"Mike? Me call up Mike?"

"Sure, Yah, he shouldn't have done what he did, but then you had a share in what happened. You should have stopped him way earlier, you didn't, and as a result he got hurt. Can't you do that?"

"You don't mine me talking to Mike?"

I shook my head. What was she thinking. "

Look, you own him an apology, and you two should agree that you both made a mistake, and it's not going to happen again. If we stay together, we're going to go back to see your folks, and probably see Mike and his friends around, and I want everybody to be cool.

Look, I've not had my dinner yet. Gimme your hand. Let's walk over to the pub. You keep quiet just now and let me think."

We ignored the issues and chatted about small stuff as we waited for our food order while drinking our way through a pint of beer.

"John, you were right. There was no victor to that...incident and I'm including the whole evening. I thought at the time I was just having fun. My underpants were back at the motel and I thought you'd be really turned on by me being naked down there for you. It wasn't until I saw the pictures that I realized how Mike was exposing me.

"It was childish of him. I'm truly mortified. I was just having a good time dancing with whoever. I didn't realize Mike thought I wanted him! I mean, we never dated or anything. I accept some responsibility for his actions too. As to the fight, it was lose/lose to him. I certainly wasn't having anything to do with him.

"When it started, I was paralyzed. I should have gotten the bartender, or grabbed a bottle and attacked Mike, or something! But I was rooted to the spot, watching in horror. I lost...I lost the only person there that I loved. And you had a horrible experience, and were so let down by the one you loved. I failed you.

"What else is there to say? I made a mistake. Mike made a mistake. And you made a mistake."

"Me? What the hell! I didn't do anything? You were..."

"Exactly! I could say that you didn't do anything when you should have done something. You weren't with me on the dance floor, and you didn't step in when things went outside of your comfort level. You hung back until it was totally out of hand it wasn't like I was at a dance club without you or cheating. I was with you, and you sat there, saw what was happening, and let it happen, thinking the worst of me for it.

"You lost too because you threw away a person who loved you truly. Later, after the shit storm, rather than face me and have it out like a man, you took the coward's way out and ran away. And when I came after you, you hide behind name calling and closed doors. So while I agree you weren't an instigator, you let things drift and your inaction was part of the problem too. As a guess, Mike was 40% of the problem, I was 50% and you were the remaining 15%.

"I was as horrified as you when Mike attacked you! I didn't mean anything by dancing with him. I was just hanging loose. For Christ's sake, you were right there! I didn't sneak way with anyone! "

I didn't insult her by pointing out her arithmetic was wrong or asking if she slept alone that night. No that was stupid. She slept alone. I thought about it a bit.

"Well, I agree I was wrong to, as I thought at the time, cut my losses and run. There's no reason we shouldn't have had it out that night. My feelings were hurt, my pride wounded. I see that from your point of view, you were having a good time, and while perhaps skirting... No! That's not fair, while not having sex with anyone else. You need to know that my pain was real, that I felt that our relationship precluded you from dirty dancing or passionately kissing anyone else.

"Reminds me of a story of Patrick in confession: Not much to tell you this week, father, Well, me and Mary. O'Riley, but I expect Mary told you all about it, so we needn't bother with it, besides nothin happened.

"Patrick, I'm here to listen to your confession, not talking about Mary's. What happened, Pat"

"Well, the wife and I went down to the pub with the O'Rileys to have a pint or two, ya see Mary and I were the only smokers, so we went out side, and suddenly we were kissing on another and hands roaming all over. But we come to our senses; it was a dumb thing to do, and not to be repeated. But really, nothing happened."

"Pat, when the hands were roaming, did they rest on the nasty bits if only for a moment?"

"Aye, Father, I said all over, but the important part is nothin happening."

"Oh Pat, your wrong there, 'twas adultery that happened!"

"Nay, father, you mistake my meaning not having experience in this sort of thing. The hands were outside the cloths, ya hear what I'm saying, nothing went inside!"

"Adultery happened night, and here's you penitence..."

A few months later, Pat and his wife Bridget were leaving church, Bridget slipped pat a few coins for the poor box, and Pat reach out to the box, and palmed the coins.

"Patrick" said the priest, "I saw that, and what's worse for you immortal soul, so did the Lord, and he's not pleased!"

"Surly that's where you're wrong, father, for haven't I heard it from your very own lips, putting your hand on somethin is the self same as puttin somethin init!"

We laughed we plowed that field about three more times, that night, and agreed to put it behind us. We were married a year later, two sons a couple of years after that. I stayed at the hospital for four years, until I was passed over for big job of Director of Food Services; I looked around and got lucky, getting the top job at a neighboring hospital. Add to that, we bought a house and I lost touch with my former employees.

I was just asked back to jointly award six of that first group of 'special' for lack of a better word, employees who were eligible for their 5 year pin, Igor and Ernie, among them. I asked after Janie, and wished I hadn't.

She became erratic in taking her medication, and lost her job. It sounded like the hospital tried, but really there is little that could be done. She also became really disruptive, and lost he place in the group home. Several months later found in an abandoned house, dead "from multiple causes." Nothing more was heard. So the story ends with a downer. I'm sorry, but...

Oh, that marriage we went to? Lasted six months and the Gus and Siobhan got divorced. Months later, the wife and I were at that same bar, when a sober Mike apologized for his behavior that night, and sat down for to visit. The lasting result of the fight was that he lost a nut, and realizing he didn't want to risk loosing the other one, so he cleaned up his act.

"John, I'm 27 and not some fucking kid anymore. Plus I'm short order cook at Millie's Diner, and I'm working like hell during the hours when everybody's parting, so it'd be hard to get in trouble even if I wanted to."