The Dubious Dictionary: Ba-Bl

A collection of arcane and under-appreciated words for the edification, education, and entertainment of the reader. Definitions are included, along with clarification. Also, the word is used in a sentence, where appropriate, to indicate its proper usage in everyday language.

NOTE: An asterisk (*) following a definition indicates that the word and definition are factual and may be found in any good 40 pound dictionary. A less formal approach is taken with other words, and notes are included by the editor (Ed.) for clarification. Also, strict alphabetization is avoided to minimize the possibility of apseudoinhedescense

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BACCATE: Having berries.* E.g. "Yeah, Esther, I'm baccate. I got berries; dingleberries. Believe me, they ain't the kind ya want to make into a pie."

BACULIFORM: Rod shaped.* E.g. "Hi, little girl. Would you like to see Mister Willie? He's my baculiform cyclopean trouser trout."

BAGGARA: Swedish pastry made from curtains.

BAISEMAIN: Kiss on the hand.* E.g. "I baisemain your lovely hand, madam. In return, you may osculate my hindquarters."

BALBUTIENT: S... st... st ... studd... s... st ....... hard to t... tal... t...t...ta... aww, fuck it.

BALISAUR: Long tailed badger.* Dull word which is included only to throw a crumb to the horde of the wildlife huggers amongst the readers (Ed.).

BALIZE: Pole mounted on seashore as beacon.* Editor's Note: It must be assumed that said Eastern European would be holding some sort of torch or flashlight. Even the legendary "ten-foot Pole" waving his arms and yelling would be of little use at night.

BALLOTTEMENT: Diagnosis of pregnancy by applying sharp force to the abdomen.* E.g. "Close your eyes and hold your breath, Mrs Cosgrove. Mr Tyson will give you a ballottement in the form of a right fist to the gut, and we'll soon know if a blessed event is in your future. Anytime you're ready, Mike. [i]Whack![/i]

BALMORALITY: Superficial enthusiasm for Scottish culture.* E.g. "Ya know, Claude, I think I have balmorality. I really like the Scottish golf courses, them beanies these guys wear ain't bad, and I love the whiskey. When it comes to wearin' a skirt and listenin' to a band that sounds like 200 cats havin' bunghole surgery, though, I yearn for the good old U S of A."

BANQUETTE: Raised footway above a parapet.* E.g. "Shit, Elmo, it ain't fair. When the Sergeant said I was goin' to a banquette, I expected a fancy dinner. Instead, I got guard duty up on the fuggin' walls."

BARATHRUM: An abyss.* Readers should beware of asking hearing challenged persons in mountainous regions for directions to the bathroom. A mistake could result in a terrible fall. Presented as a public service message. (Ed.)

BALLISTOPHPOBIA: Fear of missles.* A trait considered to be perfectly rational in most cultures.

BALLISTOCARDIOGRAM: 1. Detection of heart beat by body movements.* 2. A cardiogram made while holding the patient at gunpoint. 3. A cardiogram made while a person is being fired from a siege catapult.

BARBIGEROUS: Bearded.* E.g. "Eugene, ya gotta do sumpin' 'bout thet damn beard. Yer so barbigerous, it looks like yer tryin' ta swaller a cat."

BARAGOUIN: Unintelligible language.* A characteristic of some stories posted at Literotica.com and certain definitions in the Dubious Dictionary.

BARDEL: Pack saddle.* E.g. "Naw, I'm not saying that Louise is horse-faced. It's just that every time I see her, I think how natural she'd look wearing a bardel."

BAROGNOSIS: Ability to preceive weight.* "Sheeit, Leon, I can tell who jist entered the room by barognosis. The floor tilted, that means at least 280 pounds, so it gotta be Effie Sue."

BARDOCUCULLUS: Hooded cloak worn by monks.* E.g. "Hello, little girl. Would you like to see Mister Snake? He's right here under Brother Ambrose's bardocucullus?"

BARRATRY: Inciting to riot or violence.* E.g. "Naw, Tyrone, ya didn't hear right. "Go figure" ain't what that redneck mothafucka say."

BARYECOIA: Deafness, hardness of hearing.* E.g. "Huh? What? Dammit, Joanne, I don't need a hearing aid. Whatja say? Stop mumblin'."

BASTINADE: To beat with a stick or baton.* E.g. "Okay, Cosgrove. Tell us where the hideout is, or there's gonna be a bastinade, with you as the guest of honor."

BASIATE: Kiss* E.g. "And you, sir, may basiate my nether regions."

BATHYKOLPIAN: Deep bosomed.* Whooie, Leon! Thet Oleta shore do be bathykolpian. Wouldn't ya love to put yer face betwixt them babies an' go bubbabubbabubba?"

BATHYPELAGIC: Found in the depths of the ocean.* What's huge, purple, and bathypelagic? Moby Grape.

BATRACHIAN: Pertaining to frogs or toads. E.g. "Esther, I thank them warts of yern be batrachian in origin."

BATRAQUOMANCY: Divination using frogs.* E.g. "Emil, I can clearly see your future from batraquomancy using these frog guts. Let me put it this way: Don't subscribe to any magazines or buy green bananas."

BAYADERE: Fabric having horizontal stripes in strongly contrasting colors.* The wearing of bayadere clothing is guaranteed to make the slightly overweight look like Haystack Calhoun.

BEAVER: Hinged face guard on a helmet.* The "split beaver" is a result of the helmet being cleaved by a heavy sword or axe.

BENEFICIATE: To treat ores to remove impurities.* E.g. "And now, the congregation will please rise. Brother Amos will lead us in a prayer to beneficate the streetwalkers and brothel residents of our fair city."

BERSATRIX: Babysitter.* E.g. "Mom, can I please have Julie as my bersatrix again the next time you and Dad go out? She lets me play with her 'little kitty.' It smells funny, but it's really fun. Pleeeease?"

BELONOID: Shaped like a needle.* "Doc, ya gotta hep me! I need some steroids, er fertilizer, er sumpin fer ma dick. It ain't only short, it's belonoid."

BESOM: Broom.* E.g. "I guess I'll never understand girls, Otis. Mary Jo said I could handle her besom all I wanted. When I put my hand up her sweater, though, she slapped the shit outa me with a broom."

BELLARMINE: Large jug with rounded belly.* A graceful shape inspired by Marlon Brando.

BELOMANCY: Divination using arrows.* E.g. "Belomancy clear, Red Bear, arrows never speak with forked tongue. Little sore on tonker picked up from Spotted Fawn put you on fast track to happy hunting grounds."

BEMA: Raised part of an Eastern church containing the altar.* May also refer to the raised part of an Eastern churchman's trousers in response to the altar boy.

BIBLIOPHAGIST: One who devours books.* E.g. "As a bibliophagist, I found "Moby Dick" to be excellent, but a bit more that I could consume at one sitting. I took the last eight chapters home for the dog."

BIDENTICULATE: Having two teeth.* A characteristic of those residents of eastern Arkansas who take great pride in their dental hygeine. Considered elitist in those parts.

BIBLIOPHILLY: Reading a book whilst riding a young female horse.

BICAPITATE: Having two heads.* E.g. "Goddammit, Arnold, I don't care iffen ya got a bicapitate tallywhacker. Ya ain't agetting thet thang nowheres near me."

BICKERN: Anvil pointed at both ends.* Also applied to large turds of a similar shape. Especially those so enormous that both pointed ends stick up out of the toilet water. Such specimens are often photographed by their proud producers, and images appear on tee shirts and coffee mugs.

BIGHT: Coming together of the upper and lower teeth. A male with overbight is called "buck toothed." Of a female with the same malady, it is said that, "She can eat corn off the cob through a picket fence."

BIGGIN: A building.* Also used as part of brilliant Lit.com nicknames such as "Iva Biggin."

BIPENNATE: Having two wings.* One would assume that any alar creature would be bipennate. After all, having only one wing would enable flight only in very tight circles. Such an organism would seem to be on an extremely short evolutionary branch with an abrupt dead end. Ed.

BIOLITH: Rock formed by living creatures.* The two most common examples of bioliths are coral formations and the concretions found between the ears of many residents of eastern Arkansas. Of the two, the creature secreting the coral is believed to be the more intelligent.

BIRETTA: Square, three-ridged cap worn by Catholic clergy.* Traditionally, this is worn backwards whilst blowing the altar boy.

BLASTOGENESIS: Reproduction by budding.* E.g. "Ummmm, Daddy? Errr, y'all ever heard of blastogenesis?"

BIROSTRATE: Double beaked.* E.g. "Egad, Cosgrove! I've had this finger up thousands of arseholes in my career, but you have the first birostrate prostate I've ever felt. Please hold still while I call the newspaper. They will want pictures."

BISCULATE: Cleft in two.* A characteristic of the common domestic hirsute clam. Ed.

BISONTINE: Pertaining to bison; buffalo-like.* E.g. "You have a lovely figure, Eleanor. Your hindquarters are positively bisontine."

BLAIN: A boil or blister.* E.g. "I shouldn't worry about that blain on your privates, Mr Farquahr. It will go away when your tonker falls off."

BIREME: A galley with two banks of oars.* Editor's note: This is apparently a small kitchen staffed by a double shift of ladies of ill-repute.

BLANDELOQUENCE" Complimentary speech; flattery.* E.g. "Miss Cosgrove, let me say that you have the fishiest crotch it has ever been my pleasure to sniff. Do you wear rubber panties?"

BLAUWOK: The quaint Inuit custom observed during fish gutting contests. The umpire blows a walrus tusk whistle, the contestants drop their fish, and they vigorously pick each other's noses for thirty seconds. A second whistle signals the end of the blauwok, and the contest resumes.

BLENDURE: Mixing.* "Professor Smathers, I propose we make a blendure. May I suggest my arse and your face."

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To be continued.

Thank you for your attention.

Reader's comments always welcome.