tagHumor & SatireThe Dubious Dictionary: Cd-Cz

The Dubious Dictionary: Cd-Cz

byMathGirl©

A collection of arcane and under-appreciated words. Definitions are included, along with clarification. Also, the word is used in a sentence, where appropriate, to indicate its proper usage in everyday language.

NOTE: An asterisk (*) following a definition indicates that the word and definition are factual and may be found in any good 40 pound dictionary.

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CEPHALONOMANCY: Divination by boiling an ass head.* The possible comments are virtually endless, so the word and definition are included here as a homework subject for the reader. Please save all work until requested. (Ed.)

CERNUOUS: Drooping; hanging.* E.g. "Goddammit, Harold, why'd yer johnson go all cernuous on me just when I was gettin' in the mood?"

CERUMEN: Ear wax.* Huh. Attentive readers of the Dubious Dictionary learned that word long ago. Didn't we? Hmmmmm? (Ed.)

CETACEAN: Type of aquatic mammal; whales and dolphins.* Includes Moby Grape, the brobdingnagian (q.v.) abyssopelagic (q.v.) cetacean. See how attentive reading of the Dubious Dictionary broadens one's vocabulary and enables one to impress one's friends? (Ed.).

CHALASTIC: Laxative.* E.g. "Oh, Dear, Mr Foyt. I'm terribly sorry I put that chalastic in your Wheaties this morning. And just before the Indy 500, too."

CHANTER: Part of bagpipes on which the melody is played.* The chanter produces the characteristic sound of a dozen cats undergoing rectal examination.

CHANTICLEER: A rooster.* A word necessary for the expression, "Worthless as nipples on a chanticleer."

CHIRAPSIA: Massage.* E.g. "Herro, Mr Cosglove, wercome. You rike chilapsia with or without numba one lubbalubb on wiwi today?"

CHILOPOD: Multi-legged insect.* One might reflect on the definition and consider how many one-legged insects one has encountered. Having done this, one will realize that all insects are, in fact, chilipods, and the word should never have been coined in the first place. (Ed.).

CHELONIAN: Pertaining to turtles and tortoises.* This includes the great A-Tuin, the vast astrochelonian who carries four enormous elephants and Diskworld on his back as he swims through the galaxy. An aside for Terry Pratchett fans. (Ed.).

CHIONABLEPSIA: Snow blindness.* E.g. "About your disability claim, Mr Fosberg. You assert that you contracted chionablepsia on the job in San Diego?"

CHIROMANCY: Divination by study of the palm.* E.g. "Well, Dave, I've completed my chiromancy using the date tree in my yard. The good news is that it's gonna be quick and painless."

CHRONOSYNCHRONICITY: Representation of all stages of a person's life in a single piece of art.* E.g. "Gosh, that's a wonderful painting of your chronosynchronicity, Granny Fosdick. You certainly were an attractive heifer."

"COMITTEE, THE" - COMMITTEE to ORGANIZE and REGULATE NOMENCLATURE of the HALLOWED OLD ENGLISH LANGUAGE. (C.O.R.N.H.O.E.L.). A little-publicized but all-powerful body which makes decisions on the addition, deletion, or alteration in usage of words. The Committee's actions are final and not subject to judicial review. It is expected that publication of the Dubious Dictionary will result in a flurry of appeals by irate readers. These will be forwarded to the Subcommittee On Language (S.O.L.) and ignored.

CIMICIDE: Something used to kill bedbugs (cimax).* The most common cimicide currently in use is the Motel 6 ashtray.

CINGULUM: Priest's belt.* E.g. "I've finished your new cingulum, Father Ginsburg. It's cleverly designed so that the altar boy can be tied to it during those ... intimate moments."

CLAVIGEROUS: Club-bearing.* E.g. "Oh, shit, Arnie. Here comes Suzie's daddy. He looks plenty pissed off, an' he's clavigerous. Looks like a Looieville Slugger. Y'all better haul ass outa here."

CITTOSIS: Abnormal desire for strange foods.* E.g. "Yeah, Jack, my cittosis is much better, thanks. Gimme extra salza on that banana split, please."

CLINOMETER: Instrument to measure slopes.* Device used extensively in the Orient.

CLOACA: Sewer; cesspit of moral filth.* The Author's Hangout at Literotica.com.

CLUPELOID: Resembling a herring. Herring-like.* E.g. "Damn, Sylvia, ya really otta warsh that thang. The smell is gettin' clupeloid."

COADUNATE: To unite; to join.* E.g. "And so, Ralph and Ewegenia, by the authority vested in me, I pronounce you man and sheep."

COCCINEOUS: Bright red.* E.g. "That big zit on your chin is really coccineous, Joyce. Can I take a pitcure for the school paper?"

COLUBRIFORM: Shaped like a snake.* E.g. "Hello, little girl. Would you like to meet Mr Johnson? He's my colubriform cyclopean pant python."

COMIPHOROUS: Bearing hair.* E.g. "Wanda is so lucky. That huge comiphorous wart on her nose gives her face a wonderful air of dignity. ."

COLLACTATE: To place things together.* E.g. "Miss Farquahr, might I collactate my throbbing pole of manhood and your nectar-rich passage of passion? I have five bucks."

COLLUVIES: Accumulated filth. Foul discharge.* E.g. "Well, it may jist be colluvies to you folks here in Minneapolis, but back home in Arkansas we spread it on toast."

COLONOSCOPE: Instrument for viewing the colon.* E.g. "Y'know, Herb, when you use a colonoscope, all these Miss America contestants look the same."

CONCUPISCENCE: Strong desire, appetite, or lust.* E.g. "I must confess, Charlene, this isn't a submarine sandwich in my pants. It's concupiscence. For that little ewe over there."

CONSUETUDINARY: Book of customs, traditions, and principles.* E.g. "I don't care if you spread colluvies (q.v) on toast back home in Arkansas, Chester. Around here, our consuetitudinary says we flush it down the shitter. Okay, you can take some home in your luggage."

COANINHIDENSENCE: General worthlessness; uselessness. E.g. A mermaid in a chorus line.

CONVESPURATION: The sound of a cat attempting a bowel movement through a sewn up bunghole.

CONIFICATE: Conical or pyramidal in shape.* E.g. "Egad, Cosgrove, call the media! Our research has produced the first perfectly conificate turd. It must have been all the linoleum you ate. Ahhh, the wonders of modern science!"

CONTRADISTINGUISH: To tell apart by contrasting qualities.* E.g. "The exam for admittance to the University of Arkansas is short but challenging, Jimmy. Our state public schools, though, prepare students admirably. Now, using only smell, sight, feel, and taste, please contradistinguish and tell us whether this jar contains 1). shit, or 2). Shinola. You have one hour. Good luck."

CONTREDANSE: Folk dance in which two lines of couples face each other.* After screaming obscenities and throwing rotten fruit, the contredanse traditionally devolves into a general melee. The end of the dance is signaled by the arrival of the police.


CONTUBERNAL: Living together in the same tent.* E.g. "Asama, if you wish us to remain contubernal, there are two conditions: You must wash your armpits on at least an annual basis. Also, you must not wipe your disgusting tonker on my curtains after you sodomize your goat."

COPROLALIA: Pathological use of obscene language.* E.g. "Darn you to heck, Bob, you old poopie!"

COPROSTASIS: Constipation.* E.g. "Doc, I ain't hed me a good dump since September. Rolla Charmin lasts 'bout a month. I cain't even fart no more, an' thet was the major source of entertainment fer me an' the wife. Ya reckon mebbe I got coprostasis?"


CORRIGENDUM: Something which requires correction.* E.g. "Madame, I am an accomplished plastic surgeon, but you are simply butt ugly. I'm afraid your corrigendum is beyond hope. I can only suggest that you try a No. 7 brown grocery bag."

CORSETIER: Corset maker.* E.g. "Wally, being a corsetier is just too much stress. I spend all my time trying to put ten pounds of shit in five pound bags, and I don't think I can take it much longer."

COSCINOMANCY: Divination using a sieve and shears.* E.g. "Okay Mrs Cosgrove, you're here for a coscinomancy, right? Let me just chop up this cow flop with these shears, then I'll run it through a sieve. Won't take a minute, then we'll see what the future holds for you."

CORNUTE: One who is cuckolded.* E.g. "Congratulations, Mr Fosdick. You have been named to received the "Colon County Cornute of the Year" award. The newspaper will want a photo of you and your lovely wife for tomorrow's front page. Your children must be very proud."

COUCHANT: In heraldry, an animal lying on its belly with head lifted.* E.g. "A flaming sword, the scales of justice, lion rampant, and hippo couchant."

COUNTERBLAST: Reverse flatus. Air which passes inwards through the anus, resulting in a characteristic wet sucking sound. Usually the prelude to a flutterblast (q.v.) which occurs when the gas makes a U-turn in the colon. This process serves to confirm the Eighth Law of Thermodynamics (The total amount of intestinal gas in the universe remains constant, whether in the gut or out amongst the populace.)

COTHURNAL: Of or pertaining to tragedy.* E.g. "By Gad, what a cothurnal ending for good old Fenstermacher. Imagine, the poor devil being trampled into roadkill by a pack of enraged cocker spaniels."

COWCAT: Person whose function is to occcupy space.* The job description of two-thirds of workers on any CalTrans project.

COUVADE: Symptoms of pregnancy experienced by the father.* E.g. "Damn, George, I'm sorry I threw up all over you. I have the covade, and this morning sickness sure makes it hard bein' a barber. More off the sides? Oh, gosh ... Raallllllllllllffffff."

COURGETTE: Zucchini.* A green vegetable usually served en cul(q.v.) in Europe.

CREPITATION: Farting.* E.g. "Melvin, if you and Sam have another crepitation contest at the hot tub party tonight, you'll be sleeping in the garage for a while."

CREDENCE: Small table for holding sacred vessels.* E.g. "Just bend over that credence, my son, and Brother Snake will make a priestly visitation to your brown eye."

CRIOPHORE: Sculpture of a man carrying a ram.* It is generally assumed that the man is asking the ram where his sister is.

CRITHOMANCY: Divination by strewing meal over sacrifices.* See below.

CRITOMANCY: Divination using viands and cakes.* See below.

CROMNYOMANCY: Divination using onions.* It is hoped that the reader has come to terms with the idea that people have tried virtually everything to foretell the future. Just a list of "mancys" would fill a sizeable tome. Now that everyone has the idea, their mention in the Dubious Dictionary will be sharply curtailed henceforth. It's all so silly, too. Everyone knows that careful inspection of the morning toilet bowl gives one all the information needed for the next 72 hours. (Ed.).

CRYPTADIOUS: Thing to be kept hidden.* E.g. "Goddamn it, Cletus, put that thang back in yer pants. Yer eighteen year old now, an' yer dingus is 'posed ta be cryptadious."

CUCUMIFORM: Shaped like a cucumber.* E.g. "Hello, missy. Would you like to meet Mister Petey? He's my cucumiform one-eyed trouser tuber, and he really likes little girls."

CUBICA: Fabric resembling shaloon.* See "Shaloon;" A fabric resembling cubica. (Ed.)

CULPIFEROUS: Bearing culps.* A side effect of female-to-male sex change procedures. The culps can sometimes become quite enlarged and itchy.

CUMULOSE: Containing numerous heaps.* E.g. The back yard of the average beagle owner.

CUSTREL: Attendant to a knight.* E.g. "I'm sorry, Sir Leonard, but my custrel duties do not include hauling your tonker out of your armor so you can take a whiz."

CYANTHROPY: Pathological belief that one is a dog.* E.g. "Your wife tells me you've been digging in the yard again, Mr Cosgrove. Please try to be more obedient. Here's a rubber bone for being such a good patient. Good boy."

CYNOID: Dog like; canine.* E.g. "No, I'm not saying that Helen is cynoid. Have you noticed that she drives with her head out of the car window?"

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To be continued.

Thank you for your attention.

Reader's comments always welcome.

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