The Dummy's Guide to Masturbation

INTRODUCTION

Masturbation infers the absence of contact from others. In fact, involvement by others in the process can completely destroy the harmony and rhythm of the act, not to mention making any reference to the act as masturbation technically incorrect.

Therefore, faithfulness to one’s self is critical in masturbation, to the exclusion of all others. It is, of course, possible to enjoy masturbation in the company of others. However, the temptations intrinsic in such a setting make this the path toward failure and carnal weakness.

PART I AVOIDING TEMPTATION
Enjoying an evening of self-loving can present challenges, especially if one will be out for the evening. Studies have shown that, when aroused, 99 out of 100 people would rather be with another person rather than love themselves; a sobering statistic for true monogamy. Therefore it is important to keep amorous possibilities from flaring up.

POINT 1—JUST FOR MEN
Males in this situation should immediately go on the offensive. The most common mistake leading to sex with another person is to assume that doing and saying nothing is the best course to a night alone. Women love shy men either as a challenge or curiosity or, more commonly, as someone who will listen to them without interrupting them.

However, males can preemptively strike with such long-held traditions as the inane pick-up line. With just a few words, it is possible to alienate all of the female population of any bar with almost guaranteed results. In fact, barring the untimely revelation of your manhood from below your knee-length shorts, one is almost assured of a night alone after uttering the phrase, “Do you come here often?”

Poor hygiene, grammar and seemingly spontaneous social gaffes—flagellation, discussion of past or current venereal diseases, etc.—should be used in combination to improve one’s demotion in desirability as a male.

POINT 2—JUST FOR WOMEN
Obviously, the above suggestions do not apply to women since men are truly omnivorous. One has merely to reflect on the sexual act of necrophilia to understand that men can and do want to have sex with anything. For women, however, distraction is the best solution. Only hang out with beautiful women who are “easy.” Do not just discuss venereal diseases you have had but be capable of producing a notarized copy of you health records.

Finally, should these fail, make sure that any prospective suitors understand that you have a cliff and some very friendly sheep in your backyard and wading boots in multiple sizes in the garage. While they may not be swayed from wanting sex, they are truly lazy and will often opt for the easiest path to fulfillment.

PART II—SETTING THE STAGE
POINT 1—A WARNING ABOUT ROOMMATES
If you are staying home for the evening, a little one-one-one-minus-one is a lot less likely to be derailed by others. However, if you have roommates, get good locks. Intrusions invariable end in one of two ways; humiliation or amorous interest by the other party. In either case, they are the leading cause for bad unisex.

Do not believe you are safe because your roommates are the same sex. In fact, accidental discovery of a roommate masturbating is a leading cause to those “experimental” phases people, especially women, seem to go through. And, for God’s sakes, be particularly careful in college since this seems to be the time when all women have lesbian sex.

POINT 2—LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION
The two most likely setting for masturbation are the bedroom and the bathroom. Both offer the privacy and security that is so crucial in finger-induced fun. However, the cold sterility of the bathroom should make this a retreat of last resort. There is simply no room to stretch out and really be with one’s self. Instead, the act tends to be a frenetic moment of shamed release, praying that someone doesn’t need to use the facility for its intended purposes.

A bed is undeniably better suited for the act since the best position for masturbating is nearly identical to that of sleeping: studies are ongoing regarding a possible connection between the two. Comfort is important. However, decoration in the room is of no consequence since eyes will invariably be closed or all attention will be focused on the task at hand.

PART III—ACHIEVING ORGASM
POINT 1—VISUAL, MENTAL OR PHYSICAL
There are several stimuli for arousal where no other party is involved. They include both still and motion pornographic imagery or erotica fro those stimulated by sight or the written word. For others, artificial stimuli—vibrators, dildos, etc.—may be desirable. It is important to find one’s personal path towards personal gratification. It is also important to have those items on hand. To this end, it is recommended that these items not be shared since they may be inaccessible at critical junctures (not to mention the sanitary issues involved in sharing of some items).

It is also recommended that one be completely honest with one’s self and one’s sexual interests. While many people find themselves unable to confess what arouses them due to embarrassment, this will not apply here, except for the truly self-deluded and those suffering from multiple personality disorders.

POINT 2—HONESTY IS THE BEST POSSIBLE
While self-gratification will optimally occur without interruption, one must always acknowledge that interruptions may occur. Obvious precautions should be taken such as taking the phone off the hook. However, some disturbances, such as a roommate or spouse knocking at the door, are unavoidable. At these times, there is a tendency to curtail activity and often be embarrassed at getting “caught.”

However, rapid cessation of activity can have disastrous physical effects and the emotional effects of this can be horrible as well; Feeling dirty, wrong, embarrassed, etc. Instead, one should be honest with one’s self and others. If someone should knock at the door, an innocuous “I’m busy” should suffice. For the more curious who want to know what you are busy doing, tell them. Bluntness will, in most cases, ensure a hasty retreat and a return to blissful aloneness. The phrase “I’m masturbating” seems to cut through the air and will almost always end all subsequent conversation.

Of course, if the intruder continues to distract, be more graphic in your description of the act you are performing or the fantasy you are using to excite yourself, whichever you feel would be more disturbing to the listener.

POINT 3—THE ACT
There are many techniques for pleasuring one’s self. However, discussion is of little value once one has become honest with one’s self. If you like putting a finger or another object in your to increase your excitement, you do not need to see this suggestion in a book or read about how to do it. The desire to do so and the way to do it already exist with you. It merely requires being open enough to admit that you like anal stimulation and have access to plenty of soap afterwards.

Therefore, there is now reason to belabor that act itself. In fact, having created the right environment and the right mindset, the act will invariably take care of itself. Like eastern philosophy, one must simply have the patience to let it happen.

POINT 4—HAVING FUN
Once the act is complete, there is always the question as to what to do with the residue. For many, this seems and embarrassing part of the act. Having achieved bliss, the return to reality is filled with the sticky evidence. There is often the urge to simply clean it up with a towel or Kleenex and try to hide this act of self appreciation.

However, one should always consider this time as an opportunity. Since successful completion of the act will always involve such liquid traces, one should consider it to be a happy memento…and one with so many enjoyable uses. For instance, the liquid can make a great party mix and increase one’s enjoyment as the host of a party. Why, with each sip…well, you get the picture. Similarly, one can find all kinds of uses, even taking advantage of its lubricating qualities for home improvement. The possibilities are literally endless and, once more, enjoyment of this aspect will reinforce the correct mindset of openness so important to enjoying one’s self.

CLOSING
While many may consider the above to be humorous and misguided, consider the heart of the message; admit who you are and seek what you enjoy. While the discussion has pertained to masturbation, this ideal carries through into all of sexuality. Few find satisfaction in the act and most are riddled with guilt and disappointment. However, such shame is misplaced unless one should feel shame for something that everyone has done. Even more frustrating, such an attitude creates a mindset for conformity over enjoyment that denies pleasure by not exploring and refining the mechanisms for enjoyment.