The First Ninety Days Ch. 14

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The Stanfords, separated.
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Part 14 of the 16 part series

Updated 10/08/2022
Created 08/10/2008
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CWatson
CWatson
96 Followers

Day 75

At the sound of the doorbell, Jon jolted from his chair. Was he dreaming? Had he fallen asleep? Or had he simply zoned out somehow? That last was getting more and more common; he would awaken at work with no recollection of what he had been doing. Just today he had found himself in his car, the motor idling, in front of his parents' house, fumbling for a garage-door opener that was no longer there, while his confused parents knocked on his windshield in the twilight. He hoped he wasn't going insane. He had enough problems as it was.

"Good evening," said Meredith Chambers. "I hope we're— Goodness, Jon, you look terrible. Have you been sleeping?"

"Uhh," said Jon, trying to make his voice less gravelly and not particularly succeeding. "Come on in."

She and Brandon did, with Christa and Zach bringing up the rear. There was no sign of Laurelyn; perhaps she'd been left with the friend Sarah Prescott, or maybe even with her grandparents. "So!" said Zach. "Two weeks until the big day, huh?"

"Uhh," said Jon. His brain felt like tar. "What?"

"Your wedding reception," Meredith said patiently. "It's two weeks from tomorrow. Caitlyn asked us to come up because we offered to help with the planning and organization. Where is she, anyway?"

Jon looked at her guileless face; at the equally bland expression on Brandon's. Then he looked at the Cranes. "Who told you."

"Who told us what?" Christa said.

"Hey, man, we're not blind," Zach said. "We've been in practice with you. You're like a walking zombie. But you didn't seem to want to talk about it. So we didn't ask."

"Instead you just showed up?" said Jon.

"Well, wewere invited," said Zach.

"By Caitlyn," Meredith said. "Where is she, anyway? Caitlyn!" She descended into the rest of the apartment. "Caitl— Is she not here?"

"I see her backpack," Christa said. "We saw both of your cars when we came in. Jon, what's going on?"

"Have you been sleeping on thecouch?" Zach exclaimed. "Whatis going on?"

Jon decided to tell them. It was four simple words:Caitlyn has left me. They weren't all that hard to say; in fact, he had said them—each of them individually, of course—many times in his life. He was capable of saying these words. He had never strung them together in quite that order before, of course, but he was sure he was up to the challenge. It was just four words.

He opened his mouth. What came out of it was, "...Oh God."

Then there was no more speech for a while, because he was crying, as the enormity of it all settled over him.Caitlyn has left me.His wife, his light; all his hopes and dreams of the future had walked out the door and never returned. He wasn't even sure she missed him.

When he could look up again, Christa and Brandon were sitting on the couch to either side of him. Meredith had pulled over a chair from the kitchen table, and Zach was on the futon.

"Okay," said Christa. "Let's start from the beginning. What happened?"

"I... We... We had a difference of opinion."

"And that's why she's nothere anymore?"

"...It was a big difference."

Christa gave a cracked smile. "I hadn't noticed."

Slowly, with many fits and starts, they walked him through it. He found himself repeating himself, mis-remembering, having to go back and change his mind. The truth was that he'd been in denial this whole time—he'd even taken to sleeping on the couch, because it was easier than going back to that empty bed. Sometimes, passing through to go to the bathroom, he thought he could still smell her—sometimes the smell of her sex, sometimes her shampoo, sometimes even the faint reddish scent of her skin.

It was easier to avoid the bed.

People knew something was wrong, of course; there was no way to avoid that, what with his zoning out every few minutes in the middle of God-knew-what. His coworkers had asked him about it, and while he'd only said that there were some issues at home, they knew enough to read between the lines. After all, this was the guy who'd had the opera singer sent by his wife; he was regionally famous now, enough for them to have some context. Many of them had stopped to offer their sympathy and support—his fellow trainees, some of the actual medical technicians, even a couple doctors.

One of the other technicians had the unfortunate name of Gretchen Webster, but she brought a lot of spunk to the role; she was slender, with wavy blonde hair and a frequent smile. She had been very solicitous of Jon ever since he'd come in on Wednesday like a zombie, and didn't seem to mind going out of her way to be helpful to him. When Caitlyn had told him about her little adventures with flirting at school, and asked him if there was anyone who caught his eye at work, it had been Gretchen who came to mind: upbeat, charming, never outside the bounds of propriety but always with that twinkle of mischief in her eye. She was Jon's kind of woman, and while she had been completely proper up until now, Jon could read between the lines. She was going to make some man very happy someday, and Jon found himself realizing that, under different circumstances, he might have been that man.Maybe this is who I would've married if it weren't for Caitlyn. Maybe this is what my future was going to look like.

But she was so... Unworldly. He would look at her perfect face and her perfect white teeth and wonder if she had ever worked a day in her life. There was a certain maturity necessary to make relationships work—both a willingness to bend and a willingness to stand up for oneself. He wasn't sure she had either of them; how could she, when it seemed like she'd never so much as stubbed her toe over the course of her life? She had perfect clothes, perfect parents, a perfect job, a perfect car... She wasn't real; there was nothing behind that facade that didn't seem like it would crack at the first blow of the hammer. She didn't have the steel that came from long years of gritting through pain. She wasn't...

She wasn't Caitlyn.

"So, to summarize," Christa was saying. "You said that Caitlyn needs to be more defensive, and less prone to just letting people take advantage of her. AndCaitlyn said thatyou need to be a better Christian—specifically, more open to the presence of God in your life, and to how He manifests through other people."

"That sounds about right," Jon said.

"And you... Didn't want to?"

"...Well, when you put itthat way it soundsreally lame."

"Well, maybe itis really lame," Christa said, giving him a look. "Jon, are youreally saying that it's a good idea to be closed to new experiences?"

"Well... Not all experiences are good," Jon protested.

"Nonsense," Brandon said. "Experiences are what you make of them. Every cloud has a silver lining."

"Yeah, but every silver lining has a cloud," Jon said.

"And there you have it," Brandon said. "Jonathan Stanford, you are officially fucked. No matterwhat you do, there is a cloud associated with it. And since your objective is to avoid the clouds, that means you better not leave this apartment ever again. —Oh, wait: if you stay here, you'll run out of food. But then, if you eat food, you might get cancer, so you might as well not eat. And maybe you shouldn't sleep either, since you could roll out of bed and break your neck."

"What my husband is trying to say," Meredith said, "is that youcan't avoid the clouds. Jonathan,bad things happen. The question isn't whether they do; the question is what you can get out of them."

"Yeah, but... It's hard to do that," Jonathan said. "It's hard to be... I dunno, to be so open-minded that you can see past the cloud to the silver lining. It's not just something I can pick up and suddenly start doing."

"So you're not even going to try?" Christa said.

"Is..." It ended up sounding more plaintive than he'd intended. "Is it worth it?"

"Jon, only you can answer that," Christa said. "But what do you think? Don't you think life might be easier if you can look at it from a positive standpoint? Don't you think things might be better if, when someone comes to you with something, you aren't asking yourself whether you need to protect yourself from them? And what you might be able togain from it?"

"Well, by Caitlyn's example, I might be able to get myself worked to death," Jon said. "I know you guys never see it, and it's a lot better now that she's out of her parents' house, but... It's like she doesn't know how to say No."

"Why not?" Christa said.

"I don't know. I... I think it's just too much in her personality. This need to... To live up to other people's expectations."

"And you find that dangerous?" Meredith said.

"Isn't it?" said Brandon. "How soon before someone comes up and asks you for something you'd rather not give, but you're not used to saying no so you give it?"

"She never had any problems with saying no to Jon when they were dating," Meredith protested. "Remember? They didn't do it until they got married."

"So," Brandon said, turning to Jon. "Something that caused you 18 months of celibacy, and you want toreinforce it?"

Jon grimaced. "What is this, Tell Jon He's Stupid Day?"

"Yes," Brandon said.

Jon turned away, helpless. He wasn't sure what to say to that.

"And while we're at it, what's wrong with Christianity," Christa said. "It's about calling people to a higher standard of behavior. I'd think you of all people would support that."

"Yes, but... I'm not sure Ilike this standard," Jon said.

"What's wrong with it," Christa said, but Meredith asked, "Why not?"

Jon looked at her. "Well, just... There's so much stuff piled on. I mean, I'm okay with Christ..."

"Well, what's wrong with that?" Brandon said. "You don't get into Christianity because you're a fan of the Pope or something. You do it because you generally believe in God and specifically believe in Jesus. You think he had the right idea."

Jon felt a chill at hearing his own words given back to him.

"If you think Jesus had the right idea, then what's holding you back," Brandon asked him.

"Well... Because of the other stuff piled on. Okay, so I admire Jesus, so I think his is the right way to live. That doesn't make me Christian enough for the other Christians."

"Yeah, but what does that have to do with your faith?" Zach said. "Your faith isn't something you wear on your sleeve so others can judge you for it. Your faith is between you and God."

"And, while thereare people who think youshould wear your faith on your sleeve, so theycan judge you for it," Meredith said, "you can safely tell them to jump off a cliff. In a respectful and Christ-like manner, of course."

"You know, we neverdid work out how that phrase applies," Zach remarked.

"It's like a relationship," Christa said. "Only three people ever know the truth about what goes on in a relationship: the two people in it, and God. And sometimes one of the people in it is behind the times. Well, faith is your relationship with God. And this time there's onlytwo people in it."

"And sometimes one of them isstill behind the times," Zach said.

"So, yes, there are people who will judge you," Christa said. "But weren't you just talking about how important it is to say No to people? If theydo judge you, you can say No to them."

"No what?" Jon said.

"No, you can't judge me. No, you don't know the whole story. And no, it isn't your business anyway."

"Then how come Caitlyn gets to judge me on it," Jon said. It was a little more bitter than he'd intended.

"No one said Caitlyn was doing the right thing," Meredith said. "Ideally, she would be loving and supportive, and accept you as you are. That would certainly be the Christlike thing to do. But an ideal is exactly that—something to strive for, butnot necessarily something one ever achieves."

"And while she may be going about it the wrong way, but that doesn't mean she's wrong," Zach said. "Jon, do you think it's worth it to become more in touch with God?—so that you can be a good influence on the world?"

Obviously, there was no way Jon could have saidNo to that; but even if there was, he wouldn't have said it anyway.

"Then why don't you?" Zach said.

"Especially if it'll bring Caitlyn back," Christa said. "Do you want this split to become permanent, Jon? Would youlike to separate from her?"

"How can you evenask me that," Jon retorted. "If Zach left you, how would you feel?"

"Then why don't you?" Christa asked.

"I... Be... Because..."

They were silent, listening.

"Because I just don't believe," Jon said quietly.

They said nothing.

"The idea of someone, of... Of some force, some benevolent character who will always love you, who... Who is always there for you... I just don't believe that. I try tobe it, but God only knows that I don't succeed, and... And the one person who, who I thought might be it..." He sniffed to clear his nose. "She's gone. And when I look at... Well, I mean, look at my life. I never had that kind of love growing up; my parents were like Caitlyn's. Maybe not quite as bad, but... They still used their love for me to manipulate me, to control me. The idea of unconditional love... Of someone who loves me without having an agenda... I'm just not sure I can believe in it."

"I can understand that," said Meredith. "My parents were the same way."

"As were mine," said Brandon.

Zach and Christa looked at each other. "Sheesh," said Zach, "we sure lucked out!"

"I think parents may be one of the most powerful influences in forming a child's faith," Meredith said. "Because, you're right: theydo seem to... I dunno, to almostpersonify God to a young child. They're who we look to for proof that these values work. And if we don't see it..."

"Though that isn't to say that you're crippled," Brandon said. "Isn't that the whole point of the evangelical experience? People being brought into their faith during their maturity. From which we learn that faith isn't limited to being taught; it can also be learned."

"Assuming you're open to it, of course," Christa said. "'Lead a horse to water' and all that."

"Yeah, but, just... That's exactly my point," Jon said. "About parents being one of the most powerful representations of God in a person's life. That's important to me. I don't think there's anything more important than, than being a good parent, then raising your kids well. It's what I live for. It's why I married Caitlyn. Whatever else happens, Iwant to do a good job. ...And, I thought she did too."

"So, let me get this straight," Brandon said. "It's important to you to be a good and positive presence-of-God in the lives of your hypothetical children... And, with that in mind, you refuse to know God, and get better at living out His presence in others' lives. Okay. That willtotally help you achieve your stated goal of being a good father."

"It's not God I have a problem with, it's religion," Jon said.

"Then don't catch it," Brandon said.

"You make it sound like a disease," Meredith said, amused.

"It is if you believe Neal Stephenson'sSnow Crash," Brandon said.

"Honey, I've caught the religion," Zach quipped.

Christa slapped him on the leg. "Wear a condom next time!"

"What precisely are you scared of?" Brandon said. "What's holding you back? Are you worried about being a Christian... Or are you worried about not beingenough Christian to please Caitlyn?"

"Or are you worried about beingtoo much Christian and turning out like your parents," Meredith said. "Because you don't have to worry about that. Haven't we just been talking about how good you are at saying No?"

"I think that's why you're so insistent that Caitlyn learn to say it," Christa said. "Because she's so willing to say Yes to things, and because she gets so... Caught up. In just sayingYes, yes, yes all the time."

"Which, I'm sure, is good in the bedroom," Meredith said with a completely straight face.

"Except for when she wants me to tie her up," Jon grumbled.

"You want her to be able to say No," Christa said, "because, to you, that's important to being a good parent: knowing how to judge for yourself. Not just doing things because you're expected to or because someone tells you it's the right thing to do. Knowing how to think for yourself."

"Do youreally think she just follows blindly?" Brandon said. "Because I don't mind telling you, Caitlyn has always struck me as a very free-thinking, independent woman. I don't think she has any trouble turning outside ideas down."

"Yes, but what if Christianity is 'outside ideas'?" Jon said. "What if Christianreligion is, I mean, since we've evidently agreed that faith in God would be for the best."

"Have we, now," said Christa, smiling.

"Then that's what you're there for," Meredith said. "As long as the two of you are able to discuss it, you know, objectively. I don't know how important her faith is to her—"

"It's very important," Jon said.

"—but as long as you guys can keep the discussion limited to—how do I say this—personal practices and practical applications, as opposed to yelling at each other about disagreements in belief, you should probably be able to work it out. Caitlyn's a reasonable person. You wouldn't've married her otherwise."

"And," said Brandon, "if it's important to you to become a better person, and a better father... Well, you know what to do."

"Do you ever pray?" Christa asked.

"Not... Not really," Jon said. He'd been taught to kneel and put his hands together; it seemed so childish now.

"Maybe you should try it," Christa said. "It's like meditation, almost. And it's also like saying No," she added, smiling. "You tell all the other distractions to shove off and just focus on what's important to you. And you bring those things to God and listen to what He says."

"And what if He doesn't say anything?"

"Then listen to your ownself," Christa said. "God created you; He loves you. You have at least alittle of His Divine Wisdom, Jon. (Heck, knowing you, you probably have quite a lot.) Sometimes God doesn't answer when you pray to Him... But sometimes, He doesn't need to."

"Can Itrust Him?" Jon said. "Every other person I've ever trusted... My parents, my friends... They've all let me down. They've all—"

"Even us?" said Christa, surprised.

Meredith touched her gently on the arm. "It happens. Maybe it's inevitable. You know you've hurt me before, and I you, and we're closer to each other than we are to him. It's nothing personal."

"No, it isn't," Jon agreed, "but... It's not a good track record. I just... I just don't know if I can believe," Jon said. "In a God that loves me. Everyone I've ever trusted... I don't know if I can rely on anyone except myself."

Brandon gave him a calm, direct look. "Have you tried?"

They asked him if there was anything in the apartment Caitlyn might need, and he gave them her backpack and a few other things—toiletries, toothbrush, the like. Then they left. The apartment was empty again. They had given him a great deal to think about, though, so while Jon was alone with his thoughts, those thoughts were more than enough of a crowd.

Almost everything that had been said had been a new idea to him, or at least a new angle on an old idea. He realized he had probably become stuck in his ways; he had lost touch with what other people were thinking, and begun to drift further and further into more radical territory. That was prone to happen, of course, in isolation; it was proven psychology. But Jon had never really thought it might happen tohim.

CWatson
CWatson
96 Followers