The Freshman Ch. 17

Cecilia immediately stood up, her eyes full of both apprehension and combativeness. Obviously she was concerned about a continuation of the confrontation from the night before, but she felt trapped by her promise to herself "to take no shit" from either of Jason's parents. Mr. Schmidt's first words calmed her down slightly.

"Cecilia, you can put away your guns. I'd like to talk to you, but let's try to be a bit civilized about it. We'll keep Upper Danubia out of the conversation because right now I'm not interested in that topic."

"So, what do you wanna talk about, Mr. Schmidt?"

"Jason. I want to know what the score is on that. I'm his father, and I think I have a right to know what's going on between you two."

"We're goin' out, Mr. Schmidt. That's what we're doing."

"Yeah...you're going out with him. I think I had that part figured out. What I'd like to know is why."

Cecilia thought for a moment, and then answered as honestly as she could. "I think we're goin' out because, right now, we need each other. I feel...I gotta be with him, and I 'spose he feels the same way about me. I like bein' with him. I...I don't really know what else to say. I like bein' with him."

"OK. Fair enough, you like being with him. So, where do you think you're going with it? What's your next step?"

"My next step is I gotta get my degree, my BA. And Jason's gotta get his. We won't be doing anybody any good if we don't get our degrees. Then we can figure out what we're gonna do next. Graduate school, I suppose. Just a BA isn't much good anymore, 'cause too many people got 'em."

"I suppose you're right. You won't get too far on a BA these days. So you think you're headed straight to graduate school?"

"Yes, Mr. Schmidt, as long as I keep up my grades and keep my scholarship, I'm gonna study. Dr. Burnside told me to start thinkin' about what I might wanna look at for my Master's Thesis, so I can think about how I'm gonna specialize. But then, I think I gotta do a Ph.D. too."

"A Ph.D.? You're already thinking about that?"

"I gotta think about that now. I gotta figure out how I'm gonna specialize and what I'm interested in. Dr. Burnside keeps pushin' me to think about my future and what I wanna do, so yeah, I'm thinkin' about it now."

"So, where does Jason fit into all this?"

"He's gotta think about his future too. I guess I'm helpin' him with that, 'cause, you know, I'm pushin' him to do good in his classes. To me that's important."

"You're pushing him?"

"Yes, I'm pushin' him. I want him to do good so I keep pushin' him."

Mr. Schmidt thought to himself: OK, there's the answer to my question, why Jason's doing so well in school. No, it wasn't because he had any drive of his own. It was because of her.

"So, just how is it that you're pushing him?"

"Well, his biggest problem was Dr. Burnside's freshman economics class. It's a tough class and only about half the people in it pass each semester. Most of 'em flunk 'cause they fall behind. I've been makin' sure Jason doesn't fall behind. Every couple of nights I go into his room and look at his work. I make him talk to me about the class, to make sure he's got everything. Then he helps his friends, and I think that's helpin' him too, you know, havin' to explain it to someone else. And you know...he's done good so far. He's not dumb, and I think he thought he was before I started workin' with him."

"You actually think he's smart?"

"He's OK. He's smart enough. He's just gotta get motivated, and he'll do good."

"Motivated. So, just how did you motivate him?"

Cecilia paused, then decided to tell a portion of the truth.

"Jason, you know, he started out with all these dumb ideas about college back in August. He was gonna party, and run around, and have fun. And I told him, college isn't like that. You gotta work. Then the first week I saw that he and his friends were all scared about the Burnside class and wanted to drop it. So I told him, 'you can't drop that class 'cause you need it for a bunch of other requirements.' So he says to me 'oh I'll just take it later', and I say 'if you take it now, I'll help you. If you take it later, you're not gonna pass 'cause you're not gonna have any help.' So he stayed in, and his friends stayed in. And they're all gonna pass 'cause they did good on their term papers. I saw their grades, and they'll get their papers back next week."

Jason's father paused for a few seconds, as another question came into his mind.

"OK, so now I'm curious. Why? Why'd you spend so much time worried about Jason if you got all your other responsibilities?"

"Because he needed my help. I care about him and I wanna see him do well. And also, 'cause then he was able to help some the others. Not just his friends, but a couple of other students on the floor also. He likes helpin' people. He's not selfish, not at all, and I think helpin' the others made him feel really good about himself."

By now the other members of the household were up. Jason's mother walked by the door and shot a look of pure hatred at Cecilia through the glass panels. Jason came by and peeked through with a worried expression. Mr. Schmidt chased both of them away with a very hostile stare.

This conversation absolutely has to continue, he thought to himself. I've got this girl to open up to me, and if I keep her talking maybe I can finally figure out what's going on with Jason.

"Cecilia, I want to step out with you for a little bit, if you don't mind. Maybe give both of us a chance to stretch our legs."

A few minutes later Cecilia was changed and the strange couple went out the front door into the very spread-out neighborhood for a walk along the cold, deserted sidewalks. Mr. Schmidt, recalling Cecilia's reaction to the area from the day before, posed a question.

"I'm sort of curious. You don't much care for our neighborhood, do you?"

"No, Mr. Schmidt. I don't much care for it."

"Why?"

"It's too empty. It's like...there's nothin' here. This place...it just...it kinda scares me, if you want the truth."

"It's one of the most exclusive neighborhoods north of Chicago. And you find it scary?"

"Yes, Mr. Schmidt. There's somethin' about it...that just doesn't feel right to me. I guess everything's just too big. That's my opinion, since you asked me for it."

"So what is your ideal neighborhood, since it isn't this one?"

Cecilia described Burnside's neighborhood, an ordinary development of ranch-style houses built in the 1960's. The houses, in spite of not being very spread out, were private. Most of the back yards had fences and the houses themselves crouched quietly behind trees and hedges. The modesty of the houses contrasted with the showiness of the houses in the Schmidts' neighborhood, where structures sat out in the open and stuck high into the air, those vaulted ceilings pushing rooftops ever higher.

"I like Dr. Burnside's neighborhood 'cause it's so quiet. I don't like a lot of noise, 'cause there was too much of it when I was growin' up. But there's stuff there, in that neighborhood: trees, animals, kids, people runnin' about...and that's what I'm lookin' for: a place to live, to be comfortable, a place to raise my kids and not have anyone mess with us. Maybe it's not all that much, but it's what I want."

"At age 19 you think you have everything figured out then, career, neighborhood...?"

"I don't have that much figured out, Mr. Schmidt. Right now I'm just figurin' out what I don't want out of life. Later on I'm gonna figure out what I do want."

Mr. Schmidt thought about himself at age 19, when he was playing college football and was convinced the NFL was to be his immediate future. Like Cecilia, he had big ambitions, but not in the same way she did. The order in which they wanted things out of life differed between them. He knew what he wanted, the NFL lifestyle. It had never occurred to Mr. Schmidt to try to figure out what he didn't want out of life until he already was very successful. Among the things he now realized was the reality that he probably shouldn't have married, because marriage placed some restrictions on his personal activities that he hadn't expected.

Other troubling thoughts were forcing their way into his consciousness. Deep down he was beginning, just beginning, to question whether or not he really had managed to buy happiness with his over-sized house. He bought it partly because he wanted to get his wife to shut up and push her off into the country club scene. Now she was about as useless as a person could be, never doing anything she could get a maid to take care of, and definitely not any happier. If anything she was more unpleasant than ever. As for all the fancy stuff they bought, the truth was that if it burned up the next day he really wouldn't care, as long as the insurance company paid for it. There was not a single item in the house to which he had any emotional attachment. Finally Mr. Schmidt responded, and in doing so subconsciously exposed his doubts about his own choices in life.

"Well, maybe you got things in the right order: eliminate what you don't want first, and then you can concentrate on what you do want. Sounds reasonable."

There was another long pause, as the pair watched a maid walk a couple of pure-breed dogs across a frost-covered park. One of the dogs dumped. The maid looked around, and upon noticing Mr. Schmidt and his companion, sighed and picked up the dump with a paper towel and put it in a paper bag. It was obvious she was disgusted having to handle dog poop, and only did so because there were people watching. Cecilia felt very uneasy as the thought of being so close to "cleanin' other people's shit" once again surfaced in her mind. Mr. Schmidt continued.

"Alright, so I'm still curious. What is it that you see in Jason? I mean, you've got a very strong character and it's obvious you've been through some stuff in your life. So what is it that makes you want to share your time with him?"

Cecilia thought about it, trying to figure out how to tell enough of the truth without telling the entire truth. She knew that she had to protect Jason, and thus talk more about herself than him. Finally she offered a partial confession about her own life.

"I care a great deal for Jason 'cause he doesn't give me shit. He's always very nice to me because he loves me, and he doesn't try to boss me around, and he doesn't try to change the way I am. That's very important to me. I gotta be with someone who's not gonna try to boss me around, and he doesn't."

"Why's that so important?"

"I...'cause...when I was growin' up, all of 'em were tryin' to tell me what to do. I took a lot of shit when I was in school, just 'cause I wanted to get my degree and go to college. And they all made fun of me, 'cause I wanted to get good grades, I didn't cause trouble, and the teachers liked me. And now I think I know why, why they were all makin' fun of me. They were jealous, the girls, especially. They knew I wasn't gonna be like 'em...I wasn't gonna be havin' kids and gettin' my ass kicked by my boyfriend every night. They knew I was gonna get away, and that scared 'em. So they gave me shit 'cause it made 'em jealous. And my brother gave me shit 'cause I wouldn't hang out with his friends. And the guys at school gave me shit, 'cause I wouldn't sleep with 'em. And my mom gave me shit 'cause I was at the library instead of helpin' her. So I left, and I'm not going back, 'cause I'm not taking any more shit."

"Yeah, I guess I see your point. I guess I would've been pissed too, had things for me been like they were for you, growing up. But are you so sure that someone like Jason is what you need? I still can't see how...with your background, you'd see anything in someone like my son."

"Why? What's wrong with Jason?"

"If you want the truth, he doesn't have any character. Let's face it, that kid's a wimp. I honestly don't see how you can have any respect for him."

Cecilia paused, deeply offended that Jason's own father would say something like that. It was obvious that he held his son in complete contempt. Now she understood...if Jason's own father had such a low opinion of him, no wonder he was so disoriented when she first met him. There was plenty of anger in her voice when she made her next comment.

"Jason has plenty of character, Mr. Schmidt. He's the best guy I've ever been with. If you can't see that, then the only thing I can say is, I feel real sorry for you."

The fight had returned to Cecilia Sanchez. Clearly she was ready to defend him and her anger appeared genuine. The conversation took a sudden sinister turn when Jason's father responded.

"Well, I think there's some stuff about him that you still don't know. I stand by my comment that he doesn't have any character. I stand by that, and if you don't believe me, then you talk to him. Ask him about Heather Jones."

"Who's Heather Jones?"

"You're an inquisitive person. Ask him and find out."

It was clear to Cecilia that Mr. Schmidt had decided to stop the conversation at that point. Before he spoke with her again, he wanted her to find out about Heather Jones, whoever the hell she was...

They walked in silence back to the house.