The Game Ch. 05

A man raped my body as memories raped my mind.

The illusion of control that I held on to tightly was gone. My life flashed across the screen of my mind. All of my experiences good and bad, painful and pleasurable, happy and sad, were all there in an instant.

Deep regret filled me as I reacted to the images of spending my time with emotions that were the product of an illusion of control I built for myself. I saw my own psychological pathology and the stupidity of my illusions. I saw the pain my blindness to reality caused myself and in some cases others. I saw the stupidity of all those pointless human emotions that I had invented to convince myself I was the "good one".

Guilt was the biggest. And in my epiphany I let go of it. I let go of it all. Guilt, worry, fear, all left me. I let go and for the first time found freedom in my own heart. I no longer needed control, and to find that remarkable gift was the most important moment of my life.

My eyes were wet with joy of being able to let go of it all. The irony was that I knew I may be living the last moments of my life, and I was filled not with fear or regret, but with joy. The joy of being able to finally let it all go was overwhelming. The joy of being able to see the beauty and joy of my own life, of all life even the most dark and painful was stunningly wonderful. All of my struggles, triumphs, and failures all a part of life was there in that moment and the context of life had changed for me. It was the most spiritually uplifting moment in my life that came at what most people would find the darkest, violent violation. There was even beauty in that.

I was rolled over onto my back by the man on top of me. Strong hands found my throat and I let go relaxing; allowing my arms to fall to my sides as I prostrated myself to him and myself. I spread my legs widely and let him take me. A hand found my pussy and smeared me with wet lubrication.

The feeling of his touch was incredibly unexpected and gentle given the reality of the situation. Fleetingly I thought 'what kind of rapist lubes his victim so as to not hurt her?' and then I was lost in the feeling of freedom. I was no longer in control. I was never in control. This was happening and I had given myself the freedom to just experience this without trying to think or feel or judge or evaluate the "rightness" of it. I completely let go and submitted to life, both the good and bad.

I lay spread open before this man who would take me regardless of how I felt about it. My arms flat against the bed. I could not see him, but I could see for the first time in my life and nothing could destroy the sanctity of that.

He entered me hard and fast, and I groaned at the sudden and forceful intrusion of him into me. My body reacted and my pussy flooded with my own lubrication as I was able to experience this moment fully. I came as he entered me and cried out my pleasure. I gave into him, the moment, and life, all in this act of violent contrition.

He fucked me like an animal. Thrusting inside me, he slammed his cock in and out of my wet pussy, but it was no longer rape. Rape could not happen to my body in this moment for I had given myself completely over to the situation and willingly submitted to the experience without the guilt I had carried with me for years.

My mind was raped, but that was not an act of sex, but an act of control from which I was finally able to set myself free. The rape had ended with my epiphany. This was about my submission and acceptance of reality. It was no longer about what I let happen or what was forced on me. It was about accepting reality. I now not only accepted the reality, but bathed in its freedom. I submitted to both the man inside me and the woman I was without guilt or fear.

I wrapped my legs around the man fucking me and pushed hard against him. Feeling him inside me and loving it. I came again harder this time. I could not stop. Orgasm after orgasm washed through my body. Each time I came I erupted in a geyser of fluid and cried out over and over again. My body flailed on the bed. My pussy sprayed like a hose uncontrollably.

I felt him cum then. Deep inside me he came, filling me with hot cum. I came again knowing my experience was reaching conclusion. The man above me was panting as he finished using my body. He was inches away from my face and I pulled forward slightly and kissed his mouth passionately.

He seemed shocked, but then kissed me back. There was something familiar there as our tongues passionately caressed each other's mouths. In that moment I loved him more deeply than anyone I had ever known for he had given me freedom by destroying my own illusions and opening my mind to a deeper reality. I no longer needed the control that I had clung to for more than half my lifetime. It was like waking up for the first time and discovering a world of beauty so intense that it is indescribable.

Now the man who had fucked me reached over and clicked on the bedside lamp, and I stared into Ron's face...

************************************

...I came awake immediately with a scream and sat up in my bed with my dream dissolving around me.

I sat naked and alone in my own room. It was all a dream. I was naked and sweaty. My nipples stood like erasers and my bed sheets were soaked with my own secretions. I had cum more than once in my sleep.

I took deep calming breaths and lay back in my bed. The intensity of that dream was incredible and it left me singularly out of phase with my waking reality.

I was crying softly. The moment when I was twelve was still printed upon my mind. How could I have forgotten that and the guilt? The overwhelming guilt that I had carried with me like a burden across the years seemed so heavy now that I wondered how I had managed it for so long. But it was no longer there. I was free.

I felt cleansed. The guilt was gone as I understood why I was afraid of The Game. I was losing the control I needed for so long. The fear was gone with the guilt and for the first time in a long, long time I was able to enjoy the passion and intensity of my own sexuality without guilt.

I felt I could finally have my cake and eat it too. The Game could continue and it would continue, and I would allow myself to drink in every new and unique experience it brought without fear, regret, or guilt.

And in that moment I was happier than I had ever been in my life. I did not know where Ron and I were heading. I did not know if I would lose him. But although I cared what happened, I no longer feared the possibilities.

I had found myself somehow, and I was in awe beauty of my life that I had been blind to.

I had found a new context for my life, and I chose to live in it, not in fear from it.

Life is wonderful.

*********************************

Rachel knocked on my door and I threw my sheet over my naked body an instant before the door cracked. "Are you okay, Aunt Sara?" she asked with genuine concern on her face.

I smiled as best I could and said, "Yeah, just had a bad dream. I'll be out in a minute. Make some coffee would ya."

She looked at me uncertainly and said, "Sure thing." And then she was gone.

I got out of bed and showered quickly. The dream and its intensity faded quickly, but not my resulting view on reality. Something about me had fundamentally changed. I felt very peaceful about my life and everything about and around me. I know it sounds strange, but even though it was only a dream, the transformation of my reality was very real.

After I showered I felt refreshed and alive. I put on a robe over my naked body and met my niece in the kitchen for a cup of coffee. Rachel was wearing a pair of white cotton panties and a t-shirt she had obviously slept in.

She handed me a cup of coffee and sat at the table across from me.

"Are you really okay, Aunt Sara?" she asked.

"I am absolutely wonderful, hun. Really. I just had a dream that scared me a little bit." I said truthfully.

"Oh okay, it sounded like someone was killing you in there." she said still concerned.

I did not realize that I was actually screaming in my sleep, but it did not surprise me. I reached across the table and took her hand, "It's okay really. I just had a dream. I am fine. Sorry if I scared you."

Rachel smiled as she saw the sincerity in my eyes and accepted that I really was okay. She smiled and said, "What was the dream about?"

I stared at her and said, "Well that is kind of personal." I could not lie to her, but I was not sure she would want to hear that I dreamed of being raped. It might scare her and I was not sure she was mature enough to understand the context of my dream without more background than I was ready to give.

Rachel smiled interpreting my answer incorrectly, "Well I hope he was good. It sounded like you were sure enjoying it. I was afraid of what I might see when I opened the door." Her eyes twinkled at the innuendo.

She thought I was masturbating. I laughed at the thought of her sitting out listening to me pleasuring myself. I decided to let her have her illusion for the moment. "Well you know a girl's gotta be able to take care of herself when she has to. I must have forgotten I don't live alone anymore."

Rachel turned crimson at my acknowledgement of her hearing me cum. The fact was she probably had even though the context was wrong. I was sure this is the first time she had ever talked about such a taboo subject and I was enjoying watching her squirm a little in her obvious discomfort. Where she came from good girls didn't talk about such things, even though they all did them.

I laughed again and said, "Lighten up Rachel, everyone does it so why pretend it's not true? There are only two types of people in the world: Those who masturbate and those who lie."

She laughed at that and caused coffee to spray from her nose. I laughed at her as she coughed and wiped coffee from her face also laughing.

When the laughing stopped, I told her seriously, "I am sorry if I embarrassed you. It really was a dream. I can't promise it won't happen again, but it was the first time it has ever happened. I doubt there will be a repeat anytime soon."

"You didn't embarrass me, its just I have never heard anyone else, well you know, do 'that' before." Rachel admitted flushed. "I thought you would be embarrassed."

"Well, maybe I should be, but I have a new outlook on life today and things like that don't bother me anymore." I said.

"That's cool. I would be really embarrassed. I wish I was more like you." Rachel said smiling.

"Well be careful what you wish for young lady." I replied jokingly.

We then spent the rest of the morning having coffee and chatting. This became our daily tradition on the weekends. We started calling it girl chat, but it quickly became renamed "panty chat" because neither one of us was big on wearing clothes early in the morning on the weekends.

Ron and I had not been spending as much time as we usually do together since Rachel had moved in so he called early on the second Saturday of "Panty Chat" and invited both of us to his house for a barbeque.

After Rachel found out he had a pool, she would have gone without me. What a day that turned out to be...

To Be Continued...

PLEASE SEND FEEDBACK OR COMMENT ON THE PUBLIC BOARD.